Grandparents?? What are your thoughts??

[*LovemyKids*]

I am not too sure if this is going to make sense i am just curious.

So do you think that either set of grandparents have more rights to spending time with the grandchildren.

I think that they should treat all of their grandchildren equal. Even if it is their son's children or their daughter gave birth to them!!

Does this make sense??

My MIL treats her daughter's children differently to her son's children!! I think this is wrong!!!! They are still her grandkids and should be treated equally all the time!!

What are you thoughts and experiences??????

[{sarah}]

I agree to an extent, but it's not because of whether they are maternal or paternal grandparents, but more about the people they are.

For example, I will leave my children with my father for a few hours without a second thought, but I won't leave them with my father in law for more than 10 minutes. My dad is ridiculously over protective to the point of being annoying to the kids, but it means that I know they will always be safe. My FIL isn't & the one time he was left alone with both kids, he left my then 15month old DD near three steps that lead to the garage which was open to the road. She fell down the steps & had a nasty head injury.

Both gradmothers are treated equally.

My two are the first grandchildren on both sides so there's no-one else for them to treat differently IYKWIM.

[*LovemyKids*]

I know what you are saying sarah and i agree totally, i would only leave my children with someone i trusted.

I just think that if you have more then one set of grandchildren they should be treated equally!!! If you call one set and see how they are you should make sure you call the others. etc etc....

I know if it was me I would treat them equally just like we treat our own children equally!!

[*LovemyKids*]

MAZ i am feeling you honey and i am glad i am not the only one!!!!!

My mil calls my sil asking to have her kids!!!!! She has NEVER done that and she will make excuses why she can't have them so honestly i dont even bother asking her anymore. My opinion is that why should i force my children on someone who does not want them!!!!

[{sarah}]

Ooooh ok I get ya, I thought you were talking about how the grandparents were treated as well As I said, there's only my two, so no comparison as yet. My ILs only have two sons so I suspect all grandchildren will be treated the same.

[*LovemyKids*]

All good sarah i do see your point as well though!!!!

[maz]

Christmas last year broke my heart.

Inlaws fly up to NSW to spend time with BIL, wife and kids (the fav ones) and fair enough SIL was pg and due February but christmas....but I had to ask if they would come and look after my 3 little ones when I had tank.

Dudie asked if they would spend Christmas up here with us sometime cause we are the ones running to spend time with them in Melbourne. I have always made apoint of trying to get equal time between my parents and J man's but there is only so much running you can do especially when your kids miss out on some of the love

SIL had her son 3 weeks after we had Dudie. Inlaws did eveyrthing for him and her....my kids missed out on alot but kids take not...dont worry its starting to come out now and it really really does break my heart

[Curly]

Well, from my mother's point of view - she's told me this herself - she would feel more comfortable with her daughters' children because of the relationship she has with me and my sister. She would be more hesitant with my brother's children because she'd be worried about treading on SIL's toes and would expect that my SIL would naturally be closer to her own mother. It wouldn't affect the love she had for them - but perhaps her approach would be more reserved, in terms of offering help and support.

Given all the anti-MIL threads I see around here, I hardly think this is surprising, that most women are closer to their mothers rather than their MILs and that would therefore have an effect on the MIL's relationship with the children. It may not be intentional, but I know my Mum feels less welcome in my SIL's house than she does in my house or my sister's.

I should also add that I don't have a MIL - she died when DH was 18 and I never met her. So the anti-MIL rants do tend to get on my nerves a bit. I have very little family anyway and my children deserve to be loved by as many people as possible and I am very sad that they have hardly any relatives around to appreciate them. My own Dad has only seen my DS on 6 occasions in his entire life and he will be 4 years old this year. When my FIL was still alive on the other hand, he would ring once a week from NZ and want to know what DS had been eating, how he'd gone at baby swimming lessons, all the tiny little details, he was hugely interested. I miss that so much - it was more than I got from my own family. I wouldn't be throwing rocks at the way they are appreciated, I'd just be glad that they ARE.

Excuse me while I go away to have a little cry...(pregnant and emotional).

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

My ILs only have two sons so I suspect all grandchildren will be treated the same.

Yep, same here my DH is one of 3 brothers so i don't think the grandkids will be treated differently (that is if BIL's ever HAVE kids )

[Emma1979]

oooh i'm glad i found this thread, albeit i had to skim read as i need to get to bed.... i think grandparents should obviously treat grandkids equally, but agree with someone else's statement that it actually depends on the relationship they have with their sons, daughters and both inlaws... i think that is usually the main factor...
i started another thread similar to this about grandparents babysitting, called babysitting request etiquette in the baby and toddler board.... i am wondering just because a person is a grandparent, does that give them automatic rights to 'have a shot' of babysitting your child...?? my MIL has been described as unstable by my partner, not in a bad way (i know that doesn't make sene), i mean she has emotional issues that make her unstable, she is not some sort of maniac, digging myself into a grave here... anyways i can handle her babysiting for some short stints, but anything more than that and i would worry, just because she is so erratic and doesn't listen to instruction and also will tell you that so and so 'was fast asleep the whole time' even though you know it not to be true...
anyways i'm waffling.... my original question is, do grandparents have automatic rights to overnight sleepovers and the rest of it, even if you as the mum aren't too comfortable with it... am i awful for not just ignoring my issues/instincts and letting it happen, because she is their grandma afterall... its tough.

[wysiwyg]

Mmm not sure - the parents are not the same therefore I think is better to treat them all appropriately but doesn't necessarily have to be equal, making things equal for the sake of being equal sort of defeats the point.

E.g. My PIL now have two grandaughters born within 6 weeks of each other, one they live an hour a way from and is the daughter of their daughter and one they live on the other side of the world from - my daughter - daughter of their son. I think due to circumstances is perfectly normal that they buy a lot of things for my niece, they see her every week - it annoys me that they then will get same/similar for my DD - they are not the same they don't need the same things, I don't mind not getting anything, and I don't agree with flying stuff around the world all the time - things are not an expression of affection. I really hate the enforced equalness - oh we have done this for SIL so we want to do for you - what I really want is for them to listen and treat the GD's and us as individuals. Not sending us anything at Christmas (usually rubbish from the pound shop) would show that they actually know us a little bit and listen to what we say and what our values are, but I think they do it to treat us all equally.

[*LovemyKids*]

I understand where everyone is coming from and i suppose everyone's situation is different.

My il's live in the same area and the kids are all of similar age, it breaks my heart when my DS gets upset cause his cousin has sleep over at nana's house etc and why can't he!! I don't think that everyting needs to be equal exactly but in the kids eye's it should be cause if even the kids notice it then it must be bad!!!!!

Curly i am sorry that you don't have a mil and i am sorry if me whinging about mine upsets you, i don't post things to upset people !!

[wysiwyg]

Lovemykids - maybe the word is fair rather than equal? and I tend to agree if your DS notices it then isn't quite right. I know when we were kids (one of three) we weren't always treated equally by our parents but I think we were all treated fairly.

[SammyRo]

I can't say from expericene with our kids, as they're the first on either side, but growing up, my paternal grandma defiantely treated her son's kids (me and my brother) and her daughter's child completly different, and as a PP has said, the kids do pick up on it. I've known from a young age that the order of preference goes my cousin in top spot, who can do no wrong, then my brother, and then me. As a result, I am alot closer to my maternal nanna, even though she lived 200miles away so we only saw her maybe 4 times a year, wheres my grandma lived 5mins up the road and we saw them most weeks.

[AliBaby]

In my eyes the more people who love my child the better.

I think grandparents should love all their grand children the same regardless of what side they came from. Family is family regardles IYKWIM.

I do feel more of a closeness for my mother though(which I think that is natural) and I dont want DD to miss out on that but at the same time, DD has a closeness with DP's mum who just adores her so I love that.

I'll BBL to add more. We are having lunch at the moment.

[~MummaBear~]

Hey!

this is a really tough question and i can kinda answer from 2 perspectives.
My mum now has my kids and my brothers little man and she comments on how totaly different it is for her. My kids are always around and she pops in everyday after work. If i have a problem i go to my mum and quite naturally if my SIL has a problem she goes to her mum. I think it is just the way it is, unless there are other issues iykwim I think if you stood back it may look like my mum treats my kids different but i dont think it is an intentional thing. IYKWIM I think it is just how it happens and you quite often hear MIL vents and stuff... i think sometimes the MIL is a bit stand-offish ( wow dont think that is a word lol) becuase she doent want to been seen as the evil intruding MIL...
In saying all that... If my MIL tried to treat my kids the way she treats my other SIL kids i would go off!! and i dont think i would be comfortable with her having as much involvement with my kids as my mum does .

Wow i really think i missed the point i was trying to make lol but hopefully you can kinda see where i am coming from!

[Jas]

Yes I definitely agree grandaprents should love all their grand kids the same.

One perspective might be that older generations might feel the "main" parent or caregiver is the parent, which even today timewise it the general thing, for sahm's and often mums can be more strict or set on routines, ways of doing things etc (just as a generalisation) because with sahm's (well at least in my situation...dh is VERY invloved father and equal to me as a parent...but) I set a lot of the routines, what food when, how much, sleep tomes etc...just as a practical thing because i'm a sahm so i am the one dealing with the kids day after day and structuring their days. And so (not saying this a reflection of you actions or personality) but perhaps mil feels shecan do more with you neices and/or nephews as their mum is her dd????

Also its possible ur MIL is just a dip stick??? haha

With our familys our 2 ds's are the first and only grandkids on either side so far and dh's parents moved back to nz after 20yrs here when i was preg with ds1 so mu mum is much closer to the kids for obvious reasons but dh's parents will be moving back in the next while so we will see what happens then

[ladybird11]

Good thought provoking thread

We have three sets of grand parents as DH's parents are both re-married.

His mother lives interstate, so we don't see her much, maybe once or twice a year. She was supposed to come down for Easter but went all quiet - then I found out she had other grandkids go and stay with her - so she ditched her plans to see DD and DS .

His father is with controlling woman with whom DH had words with over three months ago. Since then, we've not seen or heard from them at all.

My mum is in a hospice but I make sure the kids visit her as much as possible - she loves them to bits and is very protective of them. Hows that? The best grandma the kids have has not got long to live . As of an hour ago my father (who is still married and 'with' my mum) said he wanted nothing to do with me. So he loses contact with the kids too....

So from what others are saying it seems a lot of our kids are missing out on grandparent type love. So what do you do to work thru that pain and heart break for your precious babies / kids who have grandparents that don't seem to 'favour' them or even spend quality time with them (for better words)....you know what I'm trying to say??