I'm so sorry you've had to join us Snack :hug:
I'll BBL
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I'm so sorry you've had to join us Snack :hug:
I'll BBL
first of all my deepest sympathy to you Snacks on the loss of your beautiful Mum :hug:
my only suggestion at this early stage is that what you are feeling is completely normal. i was young when my Mum passed away (11 turning 12) and whilst I did have counselling i don't think it was particularly helpful for me only because i was so young and didn't really have the coping skills and just kind of brushed it off. it wasn't until i was in my late teens that it really "hit me". and boy did it hit with avengeance. it was then i sought counselling again and really benefited from it because i was older and better able to articulate my emotions.
My best advice is to seek a counsellor who specialises in loss and grief.
also, two big helps for me were two books.Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers. both by Hope Edalmen(sp).
Everything is very new and raw for you hun, so you are allowed to "not be coping". i wish i could say it'll get better soon but honestly the first 6-12mths are hell. allow yourself to feel and process your emotions - i bottled mine for so long (moreso due to immaturity and inappropriate coping mechanisms and my Dad was a very stoic man so it was all business and getting on with raising my sister and I) that when it all did come to a head - the proverbial did hit the fan and it wasn't nice.
and it's not perverse to miss her when things are going well. i miss my mum everyday but moreso when my DDs do/make or say something that i know she would've loved/laughed at. and honestly that ache that she missed out on meeting and seeing her granddaughters has never gone away and i don't think it ever will :(
here if you need to vent/chat/rage or anything and so sorry you've had to join this thread :hug:
Thanks, it does help so much to read your stories & to know you understand.
I am so sorry to those of you who lost your mums so young. I just can't imagine.
Lime, another friend says she still talks to her mum, some 25 odd years on. I find it hard to do but like your voicemail thing, I keep revisiting my text messages, looking all the way back to a couple of years ago when I got this phone. She wrote me a couple of letters too, when she knew she was going to die. But I prefer to read the texts - it sounds just like the normal her ITMS.
I think probably I am trying to rush things. I understand (from some IRL friends, including my DH, and from your thread here) that no matter the time that passes the void will remain. Probably counseling won't help me, I just want to make it feel better.
I remember my Mum's grief at losing her mum when I was 3. One of my very first memories is of her crying in the kitchen and my feeling distressed because I couldn't help her. Phoebe is 3 as well. I wish she would remember her Grandma but I fear she is already forgetting, as I forgot. I wonder if it hurt my mum as it hurts me that she doesn't remember. Mum adored her grandkids. She had all the time in the world for them and was so understanding, even when she was so ill and feeling weak and terribly sick.
Anyway, rambling now. Thanks for your kindness. I hope I can be a support to you all in your darker times too.
Oh snacks I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum on 16 April last year after a mere 4 month battle with the big C. If it wasn't for the amazing support I have got in here and in particular one beautiful lady I would have gone crazy. We have just passed the 1 year anniversary and it still feels so unreal as in not happened.
I hope you are going ok
I want my mummy :(
wish i could help you more hun :( sending some virtual :hug: :hug: :hug: i know they're not the same though :(:
Thanks G. I can't believe this one thing has me questioning EVERYTHING about my life :(
:hug:
Seems to do that. Was pretty radical for me. Hope you find the answers you want to hear. xx:
Happy Mother's Day special ladies hope today is gentle on you all xx
Mum's facebook page is gone. Is kind of funny how upset I am about this. It's not like anything's changed on it since her funeral. It was just something I'd pop onto every now and again, look at posts she made last year. My way of "keeping in touch", like her text messages. I had no idea it'd be automatically deleted after a time. Her profile pic was her with my niece hanging over her shoulder.
Today is Mum & Dad's anniversary. I miss my Dad too - he isn't really there at the moment, needing his space. Just sent him a text to tell him I love him. Not sure what else to do.
Hugs and more hugs Snacks - I would have had no idea they would delete it too. Maybe you can ask for it to be reinstated.
Thanks mate. Ah, in the scheme of things it's not a big deal - there were no photos on there that I don't have stored elsewhere. I just miss her voice and in a way, her 'voice' was on there.
Hey snacks my mums is still there but maybe that's cause I log in every now and then.
Do you mean you log in as her? Or you visit her page? I'm beginning to think my Dad closed it.
I think this is much more likely - pages don't just get deleted, you have to deactivate them. :/:
Dammit.
Yep. He asked my brother to remove it. OMG, I am so angry and upset. He wasn't even ****ing on there before she died. what ****ing right has he??
Negotiating your grief along with everyone else's grief can be tough. Your Dad must have found seeing her page really upsetting, while you found it helpful. I'd be honest and let him know it upset you to have it removed so he understands he needs to talk to you before decisions are made. It might be a good time to discuss any other memories you have and perhaps division of some of your Mum's belongings so you have some things with you that are meaningful to you but may be overlooked by someone else?
That was absolutely my thought process, meow. I couldn't talk last night but responded to a quite business-like email he'd sent a couple of weeks ago talking about estate etc. He had said in that email if we wanted anything of hers we should let him know. I already have specific things that she gave me before she died so I hadn't responded but last night I suddenly realised that his 'disposal' of her page (and it can't have troubled him too much - he wasn't friends with her as he only created his account after she died) might mean he could bin stuff without checking with us first. I was very polite and requested that anything of hers such as clothing or papers she had written be hung onto until we have had a chance to see it.
I wish I knew how to negotiate with him. He is so... absent.
i know we're all at different stages but just checking in to see how everyone is going?
my anxiety is through the roof atm :( I'm at the age (36) that my mum was diagnosed with throat and stomach cancer and September 29 marks the day it was officially diagnosed.
anyway just getting my fears out, thanks for listening/reading :grouphug:
You know where I'm at G and its not getting any better
sure do hun, thank you :hug::
I lost my Mum when I was 28, she was 64 years old. She had been sick for a very long time and knew that it was coming and unfortunately she basically told me that she wouldn't be coming home from hospital this time but I didn't take it the way that it was meant. Thankfully I had 2 DD's then, and I went through an insurmountable time of grieving, but had to keep going for my girls. They were the only thing that kept me going, that and the promise I made my Mum to look after my Dad, so I just kept going. There were days that I couldn't stop crying, missed her more than ever. The first of everything just about killed me! But I somehow made it through it all.
My Mum was my very best friend, there wasn't a day that I didn't speak to her, see her, and we were so close, so I lost my mum and me best friend at the same time.
A year later my Dad wasn't coping at all and asked for my family to move in with him. I did this as part of my promise to my Mum. It was hard, he had some health issues, and was later diagnosed with a reoccurrence of cancer, something that I dreaded. Dad and I were never close as I grew up but he became my best friend and he was the most fantastic grandfather to my girls. They adored him. He was with me when I went through my miscarriages, cried with me, and was overjoyed for me when I finally got my last little girl. He doted on her. He knew by then that his time was limited. It made me so sad every time I saw him with Hayley to know that she would never know this man who adored her so much. 3 weeks before Hayley's 1st birthday, Dad told me that it was time for him to go to hospital, something we had discussed earlier. I knew that this would mean that he wasn't coming home, but didn't want to believe it.
Dad being his usual stoic self, demanded that I come home at 10pm that night to make sure that the kids were okay. I wanted to stay with him but he wouldn't let me and he just wanted my sister to go away. He rang me at 5am the next morning, and told me that they were moving him and he was okay, I knew he wasn't, I wanted to go in, but he was adamant that I take the girls to netball and that I could come in after that, he asked what time they finished and what time I would leave home. I told him I would leave about midday. He told me that he loved me, something that he never did.
I got home from netball and my DH had to tell me that the hospital had called and my Dad had passed away at 11.50am, as usual, he did things his own way and this is the way he wanted it, no fuss! I was beyond devastated. My girls were hysterical and there just seemed so much to do and I just didn't want to do any of it.
I went up to the hospital and spoke with the Dr, who explained everything and allowed me to see my Dad for the final time. I remember walking out of the hospital with his belongings feeling empty and to be honest I don't think that emptiness has ever gone away.
My Dad is with us every day, we still live in his house, we still have his granny flat in the backyard, he is still talked about all the time. We miss him every day, just as I miss my Mum, they are both with us though, their ashes are in our garden with their special roses, which attack me all the time.
The pain and emptiness never goes away, but unfortunately life still keeps going on, and so do I.
That's a hard time I'm sure :hug::
My mum died a few months before her 50th birthday. That is going to be one hell of a milestone birthday for me. I was talking to someone the other day who was organising her 50th and it just straight away makes me remember.
I'm doing well. Had a hard couple of days a few weeks back. They're rare now (maybe once a year). And never really related to an 'event' because I guess I prepare and think about those. The really hard times just sort of hit me and I have to play a few certain songs over and over and cry and think of our loss.
Thanks for sharing Dinky. I'm so glad you were able to spend so much loving time with your parents :hug:
Mine too meow. That's the hardest part for me I think. The knowing she was so young and knowing that she just gave up and didn't wanna fight. It makes me mad at times to think she didn't care enough about me and my sister and our families but then I know the pain not only health wise but emotionally and financially and know she is in better place. Being preg and not having her around is a bloody lot harder than I could have expected. I just want to tell her the news and she isn't here:
it sucks that we are all in here, and whilst i know everyone will *eventually* go through it, it's just unfair that ours were taken so young :(. my mum passed just before her
dinky, thank you for sharing :hug: i too lost my dad. he passed two weeks before i gave birth to my DD1 so neither of my parents got to meet their granddaughters, which breaks my heart :(
BD, big :hug: i know the anger you're referring to. i just try to take comfort that neither of my parents are in any pain anymore. some days it works, unfortunately, others days the anger gets the better of me :/
Oh BD :( Did your mum suicide too? I found the anger was utterly unbearable for a long time. I felt like I was developing a stomach ulcer the first couple of years. It was awful. But it's been 13 years since my mum died now and I'm not angry at all. I accept her path. I wouldn't have chosen it for her and I wish it couldn have been different but it was hers and I accept that.
No meow she had liver cancer (well of the bial duct) and was only 4 months from diagnosis to her passing.
Really hard on my 6 year old nephew. My son and other nephew were to little when she died which is sad cause they won't remember her and my bellybabe won't get to meet her at all. My nan (mums mum) died 5 weeks later :(
I don't think that would have been her choice hon :hug:
oh meow, that would've been so traumatic for you :hug:
BD so much is taken out of their control :hug: liver cancer is one of the hardest cancers to beat, especially when resection is not an option :( as you know, my dad was diagnosed end of august 2008 and passed 5 Jan 2009, so a very short time :(
The anger will ease.
I found it has lessened considerably over the last 12 months.
It did require a dedicated effort on my part to let go of it, and to let go of the idea that her choices should have been about anyone but herself. It had nothing to do with me, my brother or sister, or my children. It was about her, and there are somethings mother's cannot do - and we shouldn't expect them to do - for their children. Trust always that she did what was best. Takes some doing though. :hug:
Things here are ok at the moment. I have had some self-focused issues to deal with the last few months, so I have found that I have less time to stew, that the faint smell of nostalgia and sentimentality have replaced the harsh stab of trauma and pain. I can talk about her without crying. Most of the time. But there are times, usually when the girls do something great or new, that the pang of her absence really returns.
The last 12 months have really shown me the purpose in her death though, which for me, has been quite a revelation. I see so many accomplishments of my family that we wouldn't have had if not for her death. It was like a catalyst for us in so many ways, and I can see her fingerprints in the current paths of our lives - so clearly. She is here, she guides us everyday and I know how proud she would be - how proud she is - of her children. It gives me strength and faith in my universe. That everything has been exactly as it was supposed to be.
This is how I feel.:
It was traumatic GW. It still is in many ways. Accepting that it was my mother's journey has helped. I've discovered there is a lot of stigma towards suicide, especially mother suicide, but I know our story so that is what matters.
that's the thing with suicide. no-one, but the person in it, and usually their immediate family, know the extent of what drives someone to it. i'm glad you have been able to find acceptance :hug::
Hi GW. Sorry to hear of your anxiety, though I understand as best as I'm able how it would be hard for you. x Is your local doctor supportive and reassuring? I hope you are being supported and your fears are being listened to.
I have been dealing with depression and anxiety too, though a bit different to yours I suppose in that I'm not concerned for my health as such (they have said that Mum's illness is in no way genetic - age is the only risk factor they have identified at this stage) but I guess I was feeling that I needed to 'take over' a bit of the role Mum played in our family and of course I became very quickly overwhelmed and disheartened.
I've been seeing a psychologist - have had 5 appointments now and I'm finding things so much easier.
I am writing a journal/messages to Mum, communicating with her as if she were right here (and maybe she is). The psych suggested I make a photo book and I've started that process too. It has helped so much to talk about her, about what I miss about her, about all the things in my life that I'd have debriefed about with her if I could. The psych's been great in helping me prioritise things in my life so I don't get snowed under.
I hope you are all traveling along ok. This year seriously sucks.
Ok, so this is over 24hrs late, but I've been sick so only been able to post it now..
In loving memory of My Mum. 15 March 1951 - 10 February 1989
25 years, is so very long
to be without you here
And though so many years have passed,
Our hearts still shed a tear...
A Mum, a Wife, a Daughter
Mere glimpses of memories passed
Frozen in time and in our hearts
A shadow, long, was cast...
We grieve, for what should have been,
Shared lives of joy and love
But know you are our guiding light,
Our protector, up above...
Mum we miss you dearly
With each day that passes by
But take comfort in the knowledge
You are our Angel, way up high.
Gee
xx
Hugs and kisses to you G xxxx I can't believe we heading to 2 years already
thanks BD :hug: it just goes so fast :(:
GW directed me to this thread - thank you!
My mother passed away last Monday 3rd February. Its a long and messy story but the crux of it is after a wonderful childhood where my mother was my best friend (and completely and utterly awesome!) she became an alcoholic when I was finishing highschool and it disintegrated our relationship into cutting communication with her entirely 14 months ago. I got the phone call that monday night from my sister that they couldnt contact her all day which however unusual wasnt entirely unexpected but she felt funny about it so she asked the police to do a welfare check. She had passed away sometime around 7am that morning. Im guessing her health finally caught up with her. Its was unexpected and not a surprise all at the same time. I know Ive been "grieving" her loss for quite a few years now but its added a new aspect to it now that she is actually gone. Im bouncing between being utterly heartbroken to blinding rage to despair to guilt. I think the hardest thing to deal with is the regret. Regret that I didnt keep some kind of communication going with her, regret that I didnt tell her I did love her even though I couldnt love her lifestyle or behaviour, regret that she died far to young at 57 after wasting so many years being miserable and horrible. She will be missing out on 5 grandchildren growing up. Being without my mother at 28 is something I never thought Id have to deal with and now here I am - even though we broke apart last year I still had that thought at the back of my mind that she was still there and maybe one day would go back to her normal self again.
I know time will fade some of this and it will be easier to cope with but right now it just sucks :(
so sorry you've had to join this thread Freya :( again, I extend my deepest sympathies to you :hug:
no matter the state of the relationship with your Mother, at the end of the day she was/is still your Mum and when the person whom most children turn to, is taken away, the hurt, pain and anguish can be overwhelming :( the emotions you're feeling now are very raw but will get easier. Google stages of grief if you want to see where you're at. go gently hun and surround yourself with love and support :grouphug:
Oh Freya I'm also sorry your here. My mum had passed not long before I saw you last June at GC.
Like G says no matter your relationship she was still your mum. I was the same. I now know she is in a better place as she was miserable in so many ways here with us.
Go easy and we are all here for you