Not ok in any way shape or form. But that is my personal opinion and you need to put your own filters on the situation.
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Not ok in any way shape or form. But that is my personal opinion and you need to put your own filters on the situation.
Nope not okay in my book for our relationship.
Anything he does that could possibly hurt you is not ok. He knew very well that if you found out about this you would be hurt. He knew it was wrong. He knew exactly what he was doing. The fact that it was hidden proves it.
If he's going to fix this, he needs to be honest & open about everything. He needs to put in the effort. He needs to regain your trust any way that you need him too.
I didn't specify either way in my post. That wasn't the point I was trying to make and that information was completely irrelevant to this discussion. You are making assumptions. The behaviour that night was not considered inappropriate by and no one was assaulted. I mentioned it to make the point that a certain behaviour that may not be acceptable for one couple, will be for another. It comes down to the couple and what they feel is or isn't OK. Getting back on topic, ladybird is (understandably) hurt and betrayed by her DH's behaviour which makes his behaviour totally not OK.:
Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk 2
Soooo, I mentioned counselling yesterday (for me) to warm him to the idea of HIM going soon (DH is notorious for running away from problems). I said that I don't have the tools to overcome this, and that until I don't understand why he did this I don't think I ever will'. Then he started on the 'it was only a few times' line...which infuriated me inside (didn't show it on the exterior).
Reading your responses makes me wish I had a wiser vocabulary - I'm just not great at putting my words so succinctly!
In a text msg last night he said he wished we could just move on and that he learn from it! Although I was unable to reply to that due to work, I feel I need to respond (just to clear up, I saw him briefly after work last night but was so tired I didn't want to bring the topic up. What should I say to the effect of NO ;-)
I would understand it more if I ran him down, nagged him, was mean to him etc - but I have only ever been positive in dealing with his low views on himself. He always said he was scared of some guy trying to steal me from him due to his looks. Seems I was the one who should have been more concerned!
Nope not ok ladybird, I wouldn't have acted as calmly as you full stop. The things he is saying are a cop out. And these issues really need to be talked about, they can't be swept under the rug. The mistrust has now been planted, and if nothing is done it will grow into a massive problem. Hugs, and I hope you guys can work through this together.
Sent from HTC wildfire using TAPATALK, so forgive any spelling errors its a small keyboard.
i would need him to be shattered at his behaviour and feel like an absolute fool for what he had done (for this to come from him, not from me) to be able to see a strong future.
good on you for looking into counselling, it could be the trigger to fix things, and will help you to be strong to make decisions for you and your family.
I'm going to go against the grain here, of those saying you should remain calm and in control; and say that maybe you should be loosing it at him a little. It may give him a wake up call about how serious this actually is! Because from what you say, he really has no clue! It was cheating. Full stop. He should be grovelling for your forgiveness and bending over backwards to try and mend the situation, not downplaying the situation! He obviously doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, of what he is done; and you keeping your cool and keeping things inside doesn't show him how his actions actually impacted upon you. Not to mention that it isn't good for YOU to bottle up your emotions like that! It sounds like he needs a good tongue lashing, a meltdown and to shown just how much emotional termoil this has caused.:
:hug: I agree with Misty, I think it's ok to show him how much he has hurt you by losing it at him, it may be the only way he "gets it" :hug:
You're doing so well and I think your vocabulary is perfectly fine, believe me none of us would know the words to say if this happened to us, it's easier looking in from outside.
I think you should just tell him, not in a text but straight to his face:
"you really messed up and if you can't see that, you have a problem. I'm getting help from a counsellor because I'm a responsible adult who cares about doing this right. Whatever decisions you make about how you deal with this, you need to know it is serious and your choices will have consequences. My suggestion is, you get counselling as well. What you did is not normal and it isn't acceptable. I've lost faith in you. What are you going to do about it?"
Something like that. I'm not an expert, but you do need to express that it's really not OK.
I'm just trying to work out what it is you are meant to "learn" from this - other than the fact that he is a cheat who cannot be trusted.
He is trying to blame shift which just makes the whole thing worse and destined to be repeated.
:hugs: for you.
my x blamed me for his cheating, even though he couldn't keep his **** in his pants the whole time we were together, even when dating.
trust is something that if it is broken, is the end of the relationship and I will walk away
but you need to do what is best for you and your family, in the end what happens in your family is your own business and you will have to live with whatever decisions you make
Doesn't even sound like he knows what he's supposed to be 'learning' :rolleyes: How to not get caught, perhaps? He needs to take a much harder look at himself and to why this happened in the first place. He needs to talk to you about it because you are the biggest stakeholder.
You guys need a third party. When you started this thread you wanted to believe him, you wanted to know what to think from other people. Now you're acting on what's inside you and it's bringing up important things - you guys need to navigate this together if you're not inclined to give him the boot and if he's inclined to stick around.
You don't deserve this, by a long shot. Get angry if you need to, cry if you need to, let him have it if you need to.
Do what you need to do xxx
What Cat said.
There is no "friendly" flirting. If you are both single, it's fine. If either or both are in a relationship (committed or otherwise*) then it's wrong.
And, can I just say how much I dislike women who will actively make a play for another woman's husband/partner/boyfriend/fiance just because they can.
* I say "committeed or otherwise" as I was once the person who didn't realise that my partner had moved on.... pity the narky soandso forgot to tell me about it first.
I agree with Misty. If he's not going to do everything to fix this, are you willing to stay? If not, he needs to know. It sounds like he has no idea how serious this is to you.
My ex also blames me for his cheating while we were together. Alot of it was just texting. If I'd known about it, that would've been enough for me to walk away (the relationship wasn't worth saving).
If he doesn't see how hurt you are, he won't think its a big deal & he might just do it again. If he thinks he's risking his whole life, it might scare him enough for him to really wake up.
:hug: I had so many times I forgave my ex for little things like this. He made all the promises in the world, but never followed through.
Just as I expected, the only sense I can get from him is "there was nothing in it". The defensiveness is coming out as I suspected would happen and I'm blowing it out of proportion.
I couldn't bare to split with him purely because of this alone, but right now I feel like I wanna just run away for awhile.
No, you're not. He needs to man up to this. I'm sorry, he did this & he has no right to down play your feelings. He's guilty, but doesn't like the feeling it gives him. So he's trying to justify it to himself, not just you.
Turn the tables on him. Ask how he'd feel if you'd done it to him.
Wow, I am really surprised at his response. Would he feel the same way if the tables had been turned and it was you who had been making plans with another man? Do you think he really doesn't get how much he has betrayed you? or that he is just trying to deflect the attention away form himself. Honestly, I would have kicked him out over that. I see it as a real breach of trust. I don't blame you at all for wanting to get away. :hug: