Raising a one and only child chat thread.

Thanks for the warm welcome ladies :hug:
I posted this in my blog the other day but also thought I would like to hear from you ladies here if any of you have been in this same position.

The other day SIL announced that she is PG with baby #3.
It just brings back soo many feelings from the past as each time she announced that she was PG we were TTC.
Although we are not 'really' TTC atm and we have our beautiful little man am having those left behind feelings again????
I guess due to the fact that DH does not want to do IVF again and if we do fall PG it has to be naturally....I am happy as a family of three and in myself personally I don't know if I have the patience to mother another baby with everything that we have dealt with Aaron's head and the chances of another child having this un confirmed Hydro???? AHhh I don't even think I am making any sense??????

I feel so guilty having all these thoughts of wanting (maybe) another baby but then I come here and so many of my BB friends are still trying for #1 and what I would have done in their shoes just to have one bundle not even worrying about a second.

So many mixed feelings?!?!?!?
Ahhhh anyway thank you for letting me rant away, Hope you all have a great Sunday!!
BIG hugs to all the kids out there :hug:

I've just found this thread - can I join?

95% certain that missy will be an only child. Tried for 6 years before she came along. IVF was the only way. She's our little miracle bundle!

Anyway, am struggling at the moment with people (including my own mother!) asking me when we're having another and looking at me like I have two heads when I say I'm not sure we will.

Great to have found you girls here!
Sue x

Hey lovely ladies just wanted you all to know i'm lerking around, lol ...

so sorry i haven't popped in for sometime as i still battle each and every day with this topic and it has gotten worse for me, this might sound incredibly selfish to say but an aquaintance of mine whom i have known since both our DD's were only a few months old put my through an emotional roller coster with her entire pregnancy with twins, she whinged to me the entire pregnancy about everyting from being pregnant, to how she was going to afford things even though she & her DH were the ones to choice to put two eggs in for their IVF cycle ... for example on my DD's 4th birthday (each birthday party gets harder for me as it means another year older for me and another year further away from her being the only baby of mine i have known), yes this woman stood in my kitchen whinging to me because it looks like she is going to have to breastfeed the twins cause she can't afford to got through that much powdered formula being that she is havig two babies.

If any of you are interested i put a thread on a little while back asking if anyone has experienced what i have with this woman (will give you an idea why it's done my head in) ... i mentioned on the thread i clearly don't want to know this woman anymore as she hasn't asked me a single thing about myself nor my DD in a good year, every conversation has been about her and her pregnancy and the twins now born 2mths ago it's all about her and the babies ... I'm over it as it's cause me some anxiety having to go through what i have with her and clearly she doesn't give a hoot what i have been through as she has never once asked me how i am or she was never there for me when we were TTC#2 for all that time unlike how i have been there for her.

I can't believe how i still get asked if my DD has any siblings when i'm turning 45 in a few months .... and as usuallly they then go straight into she should have a sibling, like i'm some nasty Mother that hasn't bothered to try. Well hello what if i only want one, why don't people accept that could be possible.

My telling people how old i am doesn't work cause everyone apparently knows someone's great-grandmother who had her 7th child at 45 naturally ... it's sweet that people are giving encouraging words but they don't seem to understand i never mentioned to them that i am TTC they just assume you are TTC cause that 2nd baby hasn't arrived yet, like at what age do people think is a good age to no longer TTC when i'm 90 ... i wonder if i just mention next time i don't have my period anymore (which of course is not true), i know that won't work cause far too many people think there is an easy solution to everything so it would probably be surrogancy or adoption.

I find at my age everyone thinks that IVF is the answer cause they see all these American celebrities having babies at my age and can't work out why can't i.

Thanks ladies for letting me get my big whinge out, think i feel somewhat better now, lol :lol:

It's hard sometimes but we just have to let friendships go. Friendships are about giving and receiving. And you're not receiving anything but heartache at the moment.

We lost our very best friends through our TTC journey. It's sad but it happened. We were probably over sensitive to them falling pregnant "by looking at each other" and they were hugely INsensitive to what we were going through. I do believe though, that people act much more unconsciously than we think they do.

Can you talk to this woman about how you're feeling?
Sue xx

Smiles - i read your thread but wasn't sure how to shape a reply - and i'm pretty sure E interupted before i could get an answer down

my situation - i have actively cut a LOT of people from my life over the past 5 or 6 years - i looked at what they were bringing to our "relationship" and if it was only negativity (either through their own actions or how their actions impacted me) i cut them out. yes, it means i don't have a lot of IRL friends locally anymore, BUT, i'm happier than i was when they WERE in my life. i have decided to cut as many toxic relationships from my life as i can (can't completely cut my dad out but i'm working on minimising contact!) - it hurts at the time when you wonder how you will survive without that contact, but the reality is that you DO survive, and more often than not, you will thrive without that negativity. the woman you've mentioned - yes, she did it tough going through IVF - but that doesn't give her the right to be a selfish cow. it SHOULD make it easier for her to be compassionate to those around her that are struggling emotionally. making the choice to cut her out of your life isn't a bad idea. you deserve better than to be stressed and anxious about a "friendship"

AFU - a few weeks ago i spent a day in hospital - firstly with a suspected ectopic pregnancy and then, when that was shown to not be the case, suspected appendicitis. the EP thoughts messed with my head big time. i went through a couple of hours of really being stressed. if i AM going to get pg, why would nature do this to me - yada yada yada - it was a bad day! when i found out i definitely wasn't, i came away with the "what if" thoughts. it messed with my head for a few days for sure. but ultimately, i'm still ok with DD being an only child. that bit surprises me. during those few days i grieved what wasn't, and really thought i'd struggle to find contentment again, but once i felt ok physically, the emotional stuff went away. i DO miss DD's baby days, and i long for baby cuddles, but i don't think it's a longing for cuddles with MY baby - just snuggles, and to feel a little person in my arms - and then give them back. i may feel different as she grows older, but for now, i'm ok with it all

thanks heaps Sue but yeh i can't even bring myself to ring her, this might sound crazy but i actually feel physically sick at the thought of picking up the phone let alone talk to her, i get severe nausea and bad shakes just thinking of it, to be honest i feel what she has done is selfish and hurtful in not showing any interest in me or my life for a good year let alone asking anything about my own child. My and my DP only conclusion is she must be only ringing me because i ask her questions and appear to show interest i am feeding her ego and self esteem (both DP & both agree we think she has some huge insecurites and low self esteem). I feel i owe her absolutely nothing, and if anything i am putting myself at risk in it turning into an ugly conversation and i owe it to myself to not feel any worse then i already do right now.

The hard part is even thought this is a large town you run into people here easily. I have no idea what i am going to do if i run into her or her DH (he is lovely and clearly has no idea of the bad seeded side of his DW) ... i feel like a coward and so out of character for me to the point i can't stand going about town in the deep fear of running into her. DP & i discussed her and her DH would most likely think we are the aweful ones in cutting off contact and would probably be blaming it on us not coping with them having babies and not us, which is far from it ... i was actually looking forward to them but sure as don't now, i have no emotions towards them due to their selfish Mother the way she has behaved towards me.

My other concern is they have their trestel table and about 6 garden chairs stored in my garage and ou car isn't big enough to transport them back to them and i don't want to ring them to get them in fear of having to see them in my home, OMG that would be the worst.

DP doesn't want anything to do with her either, it's upset him too but not on the level like me cause he hasn't been on the recieving end of conversations like me. He seems to think it's an easy solution but i explained it's easy for him cause he works in Melb and doesn't have to run into them like i can.

BG OMG so sorry you went through that, feel terrible for you. I so understand how your emotions can be good one day, ok the next and it all feel like crap the next day after !! I get the feeling it must be a way our emotions have to sort through it all for us to come out the other end, to me it's like sifting out the crap. On that note BG i have been doing what you mentioned about toxic relationships ... i do feel so much better not having to know this woman but it's the fear of running into her that i'm dealing with terribly to the point it's making me feel sick and i don't look forward to going out, to understand me even though i'm known to be out spoken i actually can't handle confrontation, it does my head in and i won't allow myself to waste my energy on having a verbal fight with someone ... i think that's why i rather walk away from this woman and not explain why i don't want to know her. Just like you BG i ended a close relationship, a friendship spanning 30years it was hard but i had to end it as it was just that toxic and was doing me no good in my life, i simply stopped contacting her which was easier to do as she lives in Melb so therefore i don't run into her and i don't travel to her area. For this i have felt so much better its made a world of difference so i know by letting this other relationship go it will feel the same ... like a burden lifted YKWIM !!

given you are "storing" stuff for them, you can't completely cut them out - well, not until you resolve that. is it perhaps time to put on a brave face, message them asking when they are going to collect the items as you need the room (or, if you feel you can, maybe even say you don't feel that your relationship is the same as at the time you initially stored it and you feel uncomfortable having it there/being used or whatever) - it's not going to be easy no matter how you broach it. but the fact that you are feeling anxious at the thought means you probably need to deal with it sooner rather than later. the longer you put this off, the worse you are going to feel in the lead up, and the worse (emotionally, for you) the actual confrontation/meeting will be. it took a lot for me to "suck it up" and confront some of the people in my life that were hurting me, and it took a lot of support from others for me to get brave like that, but the relief of having it over with has helped heaps!

thanks heaps BG yep i know just what you mean but i seriously can't bring myself to ring i no kidding feel so sick to the point i feel i'm gonna crack and it might sound like an excuse which some part it probably is but i feel i can't put myself through it for ' her ' benefit (hope that makes sense), well at least not any time soon ... so DP reckons at some point although i don't think soon as he gets home so late but he said he will ring them to tell them to get their stuff out of our garage (when he is here and i will make myself disappear) cause we are looking to sell the house which we most likely will be doing as we have decided we wanna move out of Ballarat.

DP said he doesn't even care to give the stuff back as they are pretty old for wear, DP doesn't seemed fussed either way.

May I please come back into this group?
When I last posted just after this was started I was talking about "will we or wont we TTC#2, and when"

Since then, we have come to a 99.9% decision that DD will be an only child. We are leaving a small window of opportunity to change our minds in the next few years, but it's a conversation that has very much been closed right now.

We're starting to have a few issues come up as a result of this decision, mainly from my parents (dad in particular) who just don't understand why we don't want another child and want an assurance that we will one day have another one, even if it means there's a big gap. I have told them we can't give them that assurance because in the end it is our decision only and their opinion is to be kept to themselves on the matter.

Also, the other day in the shops DD was visiting Father Christmas. She got shy and decided to sit there, next to him for 15 minutes with her tongue hanging out. "Santa's helper" made the comment that she must have a big brother at home who has taught her that. When I said "no, she's an only child" the woman's comment was "oh, poor thing".

Now that DD is almost 3 years old, I'm sure over the coming years this sort of thing will probably happen more and more.

Of course it's none of anyone's business if she's an only child, or if we'll have other children - especially nothing to do with a stranger!

There are other factors: My career is taking off, I had a traumatic birth experience, DH is prone to depression, I earn more than DH (always have, probably always will) so taking time off to have a baby would be a massive financial disaster! and neither of us (especially me) have that overwhelming desire to have a baby.

I like looking at other people's babies, and holding them. But rather than that pang I used to get before I became a mother, my feeling toward a new baby is now one of sheer dread when I think of how I felt during that first year of DD's life, and I still have distinct memories of the traumatic birth, and can even sense the pain I was in.

The longer we go with having one child, the more we both realise we only want one child, rather than starting to thing another one would be nice.

As I mentioned at the start, we've made a 99.9% decision on this, so because there is still a very remote chance we may change our minds in a few years time, we've decided not to take any permanent measures to avoid pregnancy yet but I am about to go on implanon for another 3 years (my current implanon runs out in April). Once that 3 years is over, if we still feel the way we feel right now then we probably will take a permanent measure (eg: I'll get my tubes tied probably).

Welcome back! :hug:

I can totally get where you're at - we get the 'poor thing' type comments too :protest: which tick me off no end. Most single kids I've met don't feel wronged by not having siblings!

Well done you two for standing up for what you feel! :clap:

Just found this thread! Haven't read all the posts, but it sounds like I'm one of the few here who have 100% decided that we will only have 1 child.

I feel a lot of pressure from society to have another - to the point that I let people think we are going to have more :)
They assume, and I don't correct them....

A lot of people I've spoken to say "I didn't really want another one, but I didn't want my DD/DS to be an only child"... which I think is just mind-blowing! Such a massive commitment to bring a child into the world - for me anyway, I'd have to have a better reason than that.

Having more than one also doesn't necessarily mean that they will get along, anyway... Point in case - my two older brothers who are 2 years apart, *never* speak to each other. As in, never. The last time they see each other will be at my parents' funerals, sad to say! And they've never been friends, not even when they were kids. So if my parents had had more kids for that reason alone... hmmm. Not good!

Edit: My motto is "It's good to be 3!" :) as in, family of 3...

Was talking to DH about getting another implanon put in before April when my current one runs out so that we don't risk it running out early and accidentally getting pregnant. He made a comment about what if I did get pregnant, it would be ok. I had a mini freak out and told him I don't want another baby! So I think I'll make an appointment to get a new implanon in the next couple of months.

Can I join in too?

I have an almost 4 year old. My one and only. I'd love to have another baby (more than I could ever express)... but my body is not do agreeable. I injured my back last year and my GP suggested it wouldn't be a good idea to have any more children. DH and I took it on board but agreed to assess it when DD turns 5 and then TTC again. But I have further injured my back in the last few weeks and it now looks like carrying another baby is going to be practically impossible for me. So, our choice is being taken away from us.

on one hand, I can deal with just one child. DD is AWESOME! And I can give her opportunities I never had (Geez I sound like my Dad!). And spend awesome time with her.... but I can't give her the one thing she wants more than anything - to be a Big Sister. It's killing me! How do I deal with that? All bar 1 of her friends has siblings and she desperately wants one. She loves it.

Then there's the comments from others. "When are you having another?" "Oh, DD must be spoilt then" "She won't learn to share" (actually, she's better at sharing than most kids!)...

I'm going to join in too.

We've been waiting so long for DS that we cannot see ourselves going through the same LTTTC journey to have number two.

AS BG said, we were stretched to the limit financially, emotionally and physically - and now it is time to move on with other aspects of our lives.

We have no other embryos is storage which means that if we wanted to go again we would have to start from scratch.

I looked at the new clinic that our IVF FS has moved to and it didn't feel like we had any future connection to the place.

The other deciding factors are: I am the major earner and we have really struggled recently while I have been on maternity leave, DH has had a major health scare, my family are quite supportive of us only having one (to the point that I actually questioned whether I should have had another :) ), I am getting older - I know that others have had babies at an age older than me, but I always had an age in mind to stop and its approaching fairly rapidly.

And the best reason: DH and I are so, so happy with our little boy. And he is such a wonderful little guy.

So one, I think, will be enough.

The only other thing is that it will be a major contrast to our own families. I grew up with 4 siblings, DH has 2 siblings and 3 half siblings, so raising one child will be a completely different experience.

Ironically our donor is an only child from an older mother - slightly weird that history is repeating itself in that regard...

I love my DS dearly. But the thought of having another terrifies me LOL.
And the older he gets, the less i want another (not that I really ever wanted many or any babies anyway)
I wouldnt change a single thing, but geeze, they are hard work,and my little bloke is pretty straight forward.
At least with just 1, I know we can afford to give him pretty much anything he needs, having another would radically change our lifestyles (I would have to give up work) I think I am just too selfish for that.
I love love love it just being the 3 of us.

MG, I completely understand. I don't think my body can do another baby. I just don't think I can do pregnancy again. My RA got so much worse after Sam was born (two years later it's still not under control) and if that happens again I can see me having two children and not being able to even get out of bed to care for myself, let alone them. On the other side of things, is it fair to your daughter to end up leaving yourself completely crippled and unable to do anything with her because you've given her a sibling. I may be out of line in saying that as I don't know the specifics of your condition, but it's a side of things many people don't think about. Few people understand what it is like to live with chronic pain.

I am still so completely and utterly happy to just have Sam. I just wish it were easier to close the door - but those two frozen embryos are still wedging it open. I almost wish they didn't exist!

BW

think I might join in here too! Wow just reading a few of the posts, and there are so many reasons for not having more than one baby, all completely valid for the persons own situation.

I've only just had my baby boy, but already I know he's going to be one and only.

I'm absolutely in love with my bub, and I feel so incredibly lucky that he has landed in my life. Even though I never planned to have a baby, and probably wouldn't have either, as the pregnancy progressed I bonded more and more with my bump and now that he is here I wouldn't have it any other way. He was a complete surprise, and for that I feel guilty that it is so hard for a lot of people to conceive whereas for me it just happened by accident out of the blue. Anyway, I have been on my own from the very start, so it's just me and my boy. An only parent and an only child. I am being realistic that there won't be any more babies for me. I'm 34 now, and I'm not looking for a relationship so by the time it (and if it does) finally happen that I meet someone, and by the time future partner and I eventually settle down together and then later decide to start trying to have a baby, who knows how old I'll be anyway, and there's no guarantee I'll feel the urge to have a baby, as I've never felt that urge before. And like I said, I'm not even looking for a partner, I am very independent and so happy being just me. And now with a little one I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find myself in the same situation as the one that brought this baby here, iykwim.

I am worried a bit about DS being an only child, especially with no male role model. I'm also worried how he'll get on socially with other kids, so I'm planning on getting him involved in lots of different things, swimming and mothers & babies group soon, and when he's older we'll go to kinder gym, dancing, team sports etc to see what he's interested in and to mix with other kids his age. I'm also concerned that he won't have any siblings to form a lifetime bond with, like I have with my sisters. He does have cousins but they are interstate, so down the track I might think about moving closer to them.

BW - you just presented me with seeds I hadn't even planted in my mind. It hadn't occured to me about long term damage. No, that's not true. It had - I'm just in denial about it. I ALWAYS bounce back from acute periods. But I find it hard to make peace because I NEVER banked on having just one child. My injury happened after she came along... I've still not accepted that it could be permanent. I'm not prepared to go there just yet! :lol: I'm fairly stubborn. I have to see a surgeon in a little over a week to get the verdict... but thank you (and I do mean that very sincerely) for giving me something else to consider. It is something I SHOULD consider. What if I can't move at all after I have another baby? SCARY!

How do people deal with the comments from others? The negative ones about having only one child?

It is scary. It's very scary to think that the pain you have now you could have forever - or worse. I feel like I should apologise for scaring you, MG, but I'm also kind of glad that you are looking at both sides of it now. I hate that you have to deal with this pain... My RA effects every joint, but there are certain ones it prefers over others. It doesn't often attack my spine, but when it does - those are the days I really struggle. Arms and legs I can usually cope with or work around. Spine - nup.

BW

don't apologise BW! It was just something I hadn't really considered. At the moment, my focus injury wise is dealing with the acute injury, figuring out what works with the pain, figuring out what my limitations actually are, and working out just how bad it is - that's what the surgeon is for. I wish it was something like arthritis which (for me) would be more managable - I've dealt with that since I was 12.

My goodness, it just occured to me... a part of my condition is congenital. What if I have handed it on to DD? If I have more babies - they could get it too. No. I don't want that!

This parenting caper is bloody hard!

:

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This parenting caper is bloody hard!

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no arguments here

i have had a few times lately where i've thought "oh yeah, we could have another, it wouldnt' be that hard" and then i remember pregnancy, i remember AC, and i realise that i simply don't WANT to do that again. i love DD with all my heart, and i guess in some ways i wonder if she should have a sibling, but i have a brother who runs hot and cold (very cold at the moment) and it stresses me out no end. then there are DH's siblings - who he is estranged from and they STILL try to cause us grief - and i wonder if DD will have a more peaceful adulthood without that stress!!

i think i'll leave it up to fate - if it happens, so be it i guess. but i'm not planning it. and i doubt it will happen any time soon given pregnancy (naturally speaking) requires DTD and that just isn't happening! lol

Actually I just realised that I came across my first negative 'only child' comment the other day. Someone was commenting on the fact that her boss had a child and put that child into care after 6 weeks. The comment was made that she had only had the one child because it was the fashionable thing to do on the North Shore. Hmmmm. I didn't really respond as this was a new social situation - but I wonder now how many other people will make that assumption about us once I return to work...

DD is looking like an only child. I don't really worry about what other people think but I do worry about how it will affect her. My main concern is once myself and her Dad (we are separated) have passed on, who will she have? As it stands, there isn't really an option to bring a sibling into the picture so you just have to do the best with the hand you are dealt. To be fair, my brother and I are not real close, I don't know how much we would be in contact without my parents involvement so I'm sure she will work things out for herself; support networks don't require blood to thrive and all that. Nice to read everyone else's perspective, there are certainly positives in having only the one special little person :)

Jellyfish - I'm not an only child, but I won't "have" anyone when my parents die because I barely know my two brothers! We're like strangers when we meet - it's all very awkward.
Does your DD have any extended family? My DD has 3 cousins around the same age, plus more to come shortly :)

You're right, she'll work it out. I know SO many people who don't get along with their adult siblings, so they're not in contact anyway. Having a brother or sister isn't a guarantee of a close family.... I know what you mean though.

See, thats what makes me really sad - my brothers, sister and I are fairly close, and we spend time with each other. DH's family are less so, but they are making a real effort at the moment to be in our lives. DS won't have this close relationship.

DS closest cousin in age is 2 years old - but most of my and DH's family have already finished their families, with the next youngest being 6. So I doubt that DS will be close to any of his cousins.

I also worry about the way in which he came into the world and how he will have noone to discuss this with - however I fully intend to join a support group so DS can meet others in a similar situation.

However, the good thing about this will be that he can choose his own family via friendship - which TBA at times in my life I have felt a lot closer to friends that are going through similar situations (eg IVF) than my family that had no issues with infertility.

I was talking about only having one child with a friend of mine about a week ago.

This friend decided that her body could only do one pregnancy, that she really could only cope with one child. She has issues with chronic pain and fatigue, and I can certainly relate on those issues!

She said that she was at first relieved that she only had one as her daughter wouldn't have siblings to fight with so therefore it would be a much more peaceful house. But as her daughter got older, she found that she would fight with her mother instead of siblings - so it was in reality a far from peaceful household.

But their relationship improved when the daughter left home. Like many mothers and daughters it's a really bad idea to share a house, but once there's a bit of space they can have a fantastic relationship.

Said daughter has no married into a Polish family. The matriarchal dominance and desire to control everything in European families is really quite unbelievable unless you have seen it... But as my friend's daughter has grown up fighting with her own mother, she's quite comfortable in telling her mother in law where to go now. It's a round a bout kind of story, but there was a big advantage to my friend in being an only child - it has equipped her most appropriately for dealing with her inlaws. On the other hand, I grew up with a sister and a controlling European mother of my own... I can fight with both of them. I can stand up to both of them. I get along so much better with both of them now that I live 200km away... but my mother in law - forget it.

BW

yes, but your MIL is rather ummmmmm ok, won't go there! i can't even find a polite word for her! your inability to face confrontation is NOT about you - it's about her for sure! she's just..... i shall refrain from using the words i'm thinking BW!

Synchronicity - i am the youngest of the cousins on Dad's side, and second youngest of them on Mum's - then comes my brother, and then there is an age gap of at least another five years. when i was in my early teens, my cousins were having their own kids (the eldest now nudging 17) - stupid thing is, once we were all adults, those years didn't mean anything. i get along with them all fine. it didn't matter that i was heaps younger and they had kids when i didn't. they are my cousins. like the age gap between you and I, or between DH and I - the age is only a number. it's more about the relationship you develop with them over time. and i'll be honest - most of that relationship i have with my cousins was developed in adulthood when i was old enough to make the effort myself. i'm pretty much in the middle, age wise, of my cousins older cousins and their kids, and i get along with both generations - so it's actually an advantage for me!

i am working hard to ensure that, no matter what the relationship between myself and my brother may or may not be, his kids have access to DD and will be able to develop a relationship with her so that she isn't "alone" if something happens to us. but, as others have mentioned, those i am closest to in my life are, in general, relationships built on anything but blood. and i will help to encourage DD to develop strong friendships and support networks as she grows older

DS is only ever going to be an only child. I'm 40 and while I probably physically could have another child, I can't mentally cope with another child. He doesn't have any close kids and I struggle to make friends at playgroup etc, although he does got to the gym creche.

MIL and DH hint at having another baby, but I know I can't cope with another one. Bit tired of people saying that I shoudl have another child because of some perceived social requirements to have 2+kids.

wow, i was going to hit "REPLY WITH QUOTE", but there were SO MANY posts i agreed with, i just coudln't put them all.

Like DaniellaBella, i had a traumatic delivery and a bad first year.
Like Nettie, i am petrified of what would happen to bilby, if i was unable to care for her.
I am older, recently out of toxic r'ship, finding it hard to trust anyone, not even looking at men, so the possibility of getting pregnant is zero.
Not in a financial situation to provide for another child.
Feeling guilty about not providing bilby with a sibling, especially when we have so little family. (her dad and one elderly aunt).
Took so long to conceive, i am very fortunate to have had one child at all.
I am so grateful we both survived the delivery (bandl's ring happened during delivery).

bilby is definately an only child.

Gigi :hug:

I'm still pretty traumatised by our first few months - although things did get better after time...... but we're still pretty sure that DD will be an only child. I have weird panic like feelings when I am around new babies.

:hug:

mummasue, I shudder and feel a little panicky still when I see a heavily pregnant woman or someone with a tiny baby.

gigi, I am divorced as of tomorrow from a toxic relationship, I dont think I will ever look for another man, I am open to one if i happen to stumble across one, but the thought of being single forever sits very well with me, that mixed with my infertility = 0.001% chance of me having more babies. I feel guilty occasionally that DS wotn have siblings, but there are plenty of worse things on life.

I work at a childcare centre in the nursery, I love it and get all my baby cuddles and cluckiness out, then I come home to a quiet home with my only :) Perfect balance

Hi all just wanting to subscribe (although not sure if this thread is even still alive??)

We are 99% sure DS is an only child forever. Practically, we cannot afford more IVF or another child as DH is unemployed and there is a recession etc etc and I am now 38. Emotionally I have a big stumbling block when it comes to the thought of another child. I really cannot imagine loving another child and actually resent the thought of a new child muscling in on DS's time with me. That does sound rather extreme when I see it written down but I must face that that is how I feel. And if that is how I feel now, I guess I am in no way ready to have another child. So it would be wrong for me to consider it at all just to fulfill some societal expectation or some concern for DS's future with no siblings.
I have also seen no joy in having more than one child amongst my peers and my family. My mother had a nervous breakdown trying to cope with my brother and I when we were 2 kids under 2 (which could explain my deep seated resentment of a 'second child' i.e. my own feelings as the first child losing my 'happy mummy') and all my friends my age who have started having babies late and who have then rushed to have two kids before they were 40, are all struggling with two kids. My DH is also against having more since he had a horrendous childhood being the youngest of 5 where he was bullied mercilessly by his older siblings.
So that is my story! On a side note I watched a comedian the other night who was talking about having children. He said his wife and he decided to have another child to provide a playmate for the first. He said little did they realise they were actually creating the first child's arch nemesis!!!

Hi girls, I've just spent the last couple of hours reading through this entire thread. I too am not sure if this thread is still alive or if I am allowed to post in here? I was looking for an only child thread so that I could see all the positives of being a family of 3. DH is 100% sure that he does not ever want another baby and I am 100% sure that I do want one. I am really struggling with it, grieving actually. But I did read the mods comments about what this thread is for so I hope you don't mind me posting? I need to get my head around the idea of ds being an only child or I will end up leaving dh and then our little man will not have the best life he can possibly have. Positive reasons I can think of for a family of 3 are obvious things like more money, sleep, time for the one child, I can get my body back which is such a mission! Other than focusing just on ds I'm kind of lost right now for more positive things to think about. If anyone can share their positive experience with me that would be fantastic :)

I guess I have an only child. Our little DS is the one who lives with us. His sister Ellen is in the stars as she was born sleeping at 41 weeks. My hubby does not want the stress and worry of another pregnancy and I am getting my head around having only one living child.
Things I worry about are his sharing skills, spoiling him too much as since we lost his sister he is almost too precious. I worry we'll lose him and be just two again.
What do I need to do to do an excellent job of having just one baby?

Hi Kateo :hug: You sound so very sad and I am so sorry that your beautiful little baby girl Ellen couldn't stay with you, your hubby and ds longer :hug: I don't know what you (or I) need to do to do and excellent job of having just one baby. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with spoiling your child. In fact I don't think there is any such thing as spoiling. Why do people feel they need to teach kids that they can't have things? Anyway... I'm trying to tell myself that having 1 child will mean that I 'can' spoil ds because we will be able to afford to give him everything. I'm not concerned about sharing, ds is a massive sharer! It must just be in his nature, I posted this somewhere else on BB today actually. As soon as another kid comes to our house he will run and get them a toy to play with :) I hope that continues. I worry more about him being lonely, but then again I will make an effort to have play dates etc a few times a week. Looking at the other side of the coin there are so many adults who can't be alone. They are always looking for others to be around, I often wonder if they have ever given themselves time to 'get to know themselves' iykwim. Perhaps an only child will know who they are, be happy to spend time on their own, be happy to explore who they really are without relying on other kids/adults. Perhaps I'm just grasping at straws to make myself feel better :confused: It was only 3 months ago that dh said he didn't want another baby and I am still heartbroken.

I'm reading some really awesome books about raising an only child. There's a particularly good seminal piece of work called Keys to Parenting the Only Child and I have another one that I haven't started yet called The Case for the Only Child. Our society views only children quite negatively but these books are very reassuring to me for if we do decide that DD will be an only child (we sway back and forth at the moment).

Anyway, I find comfort in books and chatting to others about it. Just thought I'd share.

Hi girls :)

My only is nearly 6 years old now. I sometimes feel like I wish he had a sibling to play with, cause he always wants me to play with him, and that bores me to be honest. But most of the time I am so glad I have an only. I really dont think I would have coped with more than one.

Onlies are def regarded negatively in our society, but there are SO many positives to an only, there really are.

I would love it if we could keep this thread going, I find it hard to meet other mums of onlies, it is nice to discus issues that relate to onlies.

Hi widdly, I find the fact that my dd has no one to play with and relies on me for that difficult too. As she gets older it has become more difficult. She really is very self reliant but now that she does not tend to play with toys so much she tends to get bored more quickly. While I do love spending time with her, there is only so much trampoling I can do or watch. As your son gets older you might enjoy more inside type games with him. Dd and I play UNO, yahtzee, battleships now which is a bit more stimulating than snap or fish!
I too would like to keep this thread alive! I actually don't find negativity toward onlies. I do find it annoying if people assume they are "spoilt". I try very hard not to give dd too much for that reason.

Hi MummaSue, Widdly & anney :hello: I still think about ds being an only child every day! I still honestly don't know if he will ever have a sibbling? I think society is negative about it... Sometimes 'I' am negative about it but I can see so many benefits! Regarding playing with them, dh is home heaps and plays with ds most of that time which I think is one of the big reasons that dh doesn't want another one, he thinks that another child will take up even more of his time. Yet I have suggested to him that if ds doesn't have a sibbling to play with that dh will continue to have to keep playing with ds. Whilst dh is the one saying he doesn't want another child I don't know if my body would hold up to another one anyway. I'm so SORE all over all the time. Once I recover and get my body back I just don't know if I want to go down the road of weight gain and sleep deprivation again. As for spoiling, heck we already give ds everything and I find that is one of the big reasons that having only 1 is attractive to me. We want to be able to give him everything, we don't think there is anything wrong with that, I'm sure he will value people more than 'things' if we raise him that way. Giving him everything also includes health and experiences which we may not be able to do with another child due to finances etc. Anyway JMO and :twocents:

Hey Widdly, how did you go reading the case for the only child? What other books can you recommend? Have you read any books which are more based around economics and or social factors of these modern times? Or perhaps ones based on population growth etc? Cheers :)