Is this ungrateful of me? Feel free to say yes!!

[sasha]

Mostly, this is a long rant. So with that caveat:

My brother rang recently to ask me if I wanted some clothes as his girlfriend had gone through her [much older] children's clothes and was going to give them to the Good Sammy's if I didn't want them. Actually, he had already told her that I would want them and I suppose was just letting me know that she was sending them. And I said, 'well, can you wait a bit, because I'm meeting a friend next week who pretty much keeps us in clothes' (her children are the perfect little bit older than ours, so when they're just growing out of their clothes, ours are just growing into them). And if I still needed any after that, I'd let him know.

He said, 'oh well, I'll just put them in the car and you can go through them and decide what you don't want.' And I replied that it would be good not to have to do that, because we have a lot of clothes here already and we've just been given some from another friend that I still haven't dropped off to the charity bin (they were all three or four sizes too big, and we just don't have the space to keep clothes around for that long until they'll fit).

So he rings this morning and tells me he's about to leave his girlfriend's place, and that he's putting the clothes in the boot and 'they'll be too big for S yet, but he'll probably grow into them.' And I repeated what I'd said about my friend and her clothes, and said that if the ones he's bringing are any bigger than a size 4, thanks but no thanks... so he sounds all offended and says 'well, you could just take them to the Good Sammy's if you don't want them,' and by that stage T had just pooed on the potty and S had just pooed on the toilet and I had two pooey bottoms to check and I just said, 'Oh, alright, fine, thanks, no worries, and thanks for the shoes, they're always good to have,' and said I'd talk to him soon.

When REALLY what I wanted to say was, "Why are you not listening to me?!! I have a little house with barely enough space for the people and pets in it! I already have to go through baby clothes and work out what the next one is going to wear, I don't really feel like taking other people's clothes to the charity bin!!"

And I didn't say that, although he probably kind of got that impression, because I feel like I'm being ungrateful... for all I know his girlfriend is really just trying to do the right thing by us, and she may even be using it as a way to kind of make contact since we've never met. I don't want to seem unappreciative but we get so much stuff given to us that we can't use. Yes, we're 'poor' compared to many others, but does that mean we have to take other people's clothes even when they're too worn out or too big for my children?

I can't think of a pleasant way to say 'no' when people give us stuff without us asking, and I hate the fact that people assume we must want everything they don't because we don't have as much money as they do.

[mrsmac]

I think your brother is trying to help out as is his GF. What's the harm in going through them and keeping stuff for later ? then taking the stuff you don't need to a charity bin.

[Babyluv]

Hi
If you find a nice way of saying no pls can you let me know.
Our bub isn't even here yet & we've made so many trips to the salvos to pass on stuff we've been given because I find it hard and uncomfortable to say no.
I don't think it's ungrateful at all, if the stuff isn't suitable ppl need to understand.
It's a tricky situation, wish I could handle it better rather than end up with a garage full of things we don't want! We could just about have a garage sale for baby furniture only with what we were given.
It's a hassle too because then you have to get rid of it.

[briggsy's girl]

sounds like they're trying to do the right thing and reach out but going about it the wrong way
the friend that keeps your kids in clothes - does she need bigger stuff for her kids to grow into sooner? so can the clothes be passed to her and then back to you later? my SIL and her cousins have an order that the girls clothes pass through the family. goes from SIL to cousin 1 to cousin 2 back to SIL then back to cousin 1. unfortunately even the stuff SIL has "earmarked" for DD never gets to her or if it does, it's been worn so much it's only good for around the house BUT, at least it's been well used!

i understand feeling like a bit of a dumping ground though. as soon as DH lost his job, everyone seen us as a charity case and started dumping stuff on us. i looked today and have clothes up to size 7 - DD is hovering between a 0 and a 2 depending on what it is (i don't mind tops being a bit big, but anything bigger than an 0 in shorts and she loses them - could probably even get into a 00 in some styles lol). thankfully it's only a few things and i was able to pack everything size 3 and above into an average sized duffle bag to stow.

i would accept the stuff, say thanks, and then make another call to say thanks for the clothes, but nothing was suitable for us to use in the next 12 months and we jsut don't have enough room so i've had ot pass it all on. i think maybe there is too much age gap between your kids and ours so maybe it's best not to pass us stuff in the future as we simply can't use them

at least that way you've accepted the gesture, you've not offended them at the outset, you've tried, given them feedback, and if they try to make you a dumping ground again, you can simply say NO, and stand your ground.

[emc2]

Would your brother give you a lift to the charity bin later on? Otherwise say no.

[sasha]

Yeah, really it's just assuming we need it rather than just asking first (and giving me the opportunity to say no, politely). My brother doesn't live with them, and doesn't have kids of his own - it's just him in a big house, so it just doesn't occur to him that having bags and bags of clothes that we don't have the space for isn't really helping... and I can, and will sort through them to see if there's anything we can use, it's just this happens with another friend and it... well, it feels as if people can't be bothered taking stuff to the charity bin themselves, and think, oh, you know, why don't we give it to Bec!

I will ring him and say thanks when we've picked them up (he's dropping them off with my sister), and let him know that we have enough already, thank you. The friend we get our hand-me-downs from gets hers from some other friends, so she's set as well, but it's a good idea.

[Cherished]

Hi sasha, I know you said feel free to say yes so I kinda think that 'yes' it does sound a little ungreatful? I can only think of it from my view and that is that I'm happy for any hand me downs no matter what the size is. In fact I'd prefer not to have to buy any clothes for bub for years to come LOL he already grows so fast that if I purchased an outfit that I really loved he'd probably only get to wear it once so yeah any hand me downs in any condition are fine with me. If they are looking a bit worn than they can go in the around the house pile. And honestly what's a trip to the salvos bin if you don't want some of the clothes? There might be some really nice stuff that you turn away

[Maruschke]

I agree that she sounds like she is trying to reach out, perhaps in not the most thoughtful way. By the way, have you spoken to her directly? Going through your brother might mean the message didn't get fully to her, that the clothes were too big. Sometimes men just miss the details .

TBH I would take the clothes and either find a place for them, or donate them. I would accept them to send the message that I appreciate her thought and wanted to develop that relationship. Perhaps later on you will get a chance to subtly mention your lack of space and that clothes just 1 or 2 sizes bigger are all you need.

HTH