Vent about no gentle parenting friends

[Eugenia]

I need to vent as I am v unhappy about not having gentle parenting friends IRL.

Firstly I should say that my sister does share my parenting philosphies so it's great that I have at least one person to talk to but my other friends with babies are all into scheduled feeding and controlled crying and sometimes that makes conversations really awkward. I don't want to critisize their parenting choices or start a debate but they know I don't agree with some things they do so sometimes there's a few awkward pauses.

Anyway, what prompted this rant was that we have a friend who's pregnant. Her mother used to be an ABA councellor and is really into gentle parenting so I was hoping I'd have someone to share with. Unfortunately on the weekend I found her very happy that another friend has given her the "Babywise" book. All her friends and her sister in law (who is also a friend of mine) are big fans of the book so she is very excited about it and can't wait to have the "perfect baby" that the book promises. I made a quick comment that I didn't like the book and that I thought the breastfeeding advice was wrong but I couldn't say much more cause her SIL was there and was raving about how great it was.

So here is poor little old lonely me again.

Thanks for reading anyone who made it through to the end of my pity party. I don't need replies I just needed to vent somewhere where people might understand where I was coming from but I didn't want to use the BooHoo room as I didn't want to offend anyone.

[BellyBelly]

I know how you feel Eugenia - have you thought about joining the ABA and going to their meetings? Everyone has similar philosophies and support. There are probably lots more too, you just have to find them - I will put an email out to some contacts and see what I can come up with in Brisbane. Perhaps you could even post in the member meet-up threads on BB about starting or joining a group for parents with gentle philosophies?

[krysalyss]

Hi Eugenia,
I am also in Brisbane and definitely share your gentle parenting principles. I am a reasonably new mother (little one is 9 weeks now) but have always used these principles in my work with animals as well. You are free to email me for a vent or chat if you ever need, krysalyss(at)yahoo(dot)com. But it is tough when there are very distinct schools of thought isn't it? You are doing a great job.
Kris

[Inanna]

I too hear you my love... It can be a real challenge... I have battled this at times. Thankfully I have some gorgeous friends who share my values but I have been judged ruthlessly by family for my choices in pregnancy, birth and parenting.

My advice - be courageous in your choices and true to your soul. This will never fail you or your beautiful children. Joining ABA as Kel has suggested is a great idea. Many like minded women there often.

Know you are doing the best for your little one and keep doing what you are. Little steps change the mentality of the world (I believe!)

:hugs:

[~Debbie~]

wow - i guess 'gentle parenting' is what i will be doing as well then. If bubs is hungry, will probably feed it, dont care what time it is, and if it is crying, i actually will probably give it a cuddle, or sooth it.
I didnt realise that this was going to be a topic of debate amongst people.
I know my sister tried the whole schedule thing, controlled crying, and i reckon she cried more then her baby did. Where as my sil feed and soothed according to baby needs, and she was always so calm, and had happy baby's.
I know which i prefer.

[~Jo~]

I can totally relate..but i do believe that we can make a difference with the way that we parent our children. If we try and be sensitive to their needs...I really believe we become more in tune with them and develop a better family relationship all round. Its this type of modelling too that makes the world feel safer. You arent alone....there are people like us sprinkled everywhere..dont lose heart.

Jo

[Eugenia]

Thanks, everyone. I'm astounded that I got so many replies so quickly!

Kelly, I did join the ABA and have gone to a couple of meetings but unfortunately Sophia has been going through some health challenges lately (she's just been diagnosed with epilepsy) and it seems like everytime there's a meeting on we end up at the hospital instead. Thankfully we are getting things under control now so I should be able to go to more meetings. But I have to say, thanks for BellyBelly, it's been a great source of support for me.

Krysalyss, I'll be emailing you soon. Thanks for the offer.

[Visitor7]

Eugenia, firstly I hope Sophia is well and you can get the epilepsy under control.

I know how you feel about having no friends who follow gentle parenting methods. Not even my family understand it. They're from the age of letting your baby cry it out, even if it takes an hour!
I hope you can start going back to the ABA meetings as I found them very helpful.

[Snowy Love]

I can totally relate. At Mum's group I tend not to speak up about our sleeping habits (we feed or rock to sleep, then put sleeping bub in cot or co-sleep). The few times its come up when I get "Don't you just leave him in the cot to cry" I say "We don't do that" and try to leave it at that. There is one Mum who is a big fan of Babywise and gave it to the other twins' Mum - At one of the meetings the 2nd Mum said in Babywise they say don't do xxx and I did say "that book is discredited by alot of people - its not vey child friendly", but thats the most I've said.

Thanks Kelly for Belly Belly (I was going to say Thank God, but credit where credit's due), cause I read the posts here and know I'm not harming my child by being gentle and I'm not alone in being gentle.

[Astrid]

Eugenia - you are definitely not alone in feeling that way. I chose to leave my mothers group partly due to not have enough in common with the majority of the mums, I had been "attacked" over my parenting choices and found out another mum (who I was the only one to befriend when she started) started bad mouthing my parenting.

It can be very tough at times, I found BB helped a bit and I have since gotten off my behind and finally gotten along to some ABA meetings. The loneliness some days can get a bit much. I do long to just get together with others who parent in a similar way more often.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I have gentle friends, but "routines" family... sadly, family seem to think they can tell me I'm doing it all wrong, my friends don't.

I'm about to start lying to my family - DS feeds every about 4 hours, goes to bed at 7.45 and is asleep by 8, but I don't need to stay with him, just put him down, and he wakes between 6.30 and 7.30 to start the day. He doesn't cry during the day, he loves his toys and playmat, I can organise shopping trips around his naps.

There, that should shut my mother up and if he's not sleeping though by Christmas I can blame it on him being unsettled in her house. It's better for my sanity! Plus, if gentle parenting is seen to "work" (you know, mean you spend less time with the baby... why would you want that?) more people will try it and realise they enjoy it!

[Boo Boo]

Eugenia - be true to yourself and follow your instincts - gentle parenting is what nature intended..

Laurinx

[BellyBelly]

Email me also info@bellybelly.com.au - I have been given some good contacts for you - apparently Brissy has heaps of these sorts of groups - more than other places Lucky you!

[Liz]

Oh boy - I know what you mean. The only people who don't roll their eyes at everything we do are our childless friends... so hopefully when it comes their turn, they might remember that there are alternatives to letting the baby cry etc! Altho, I can see them readily listening to their mothers & cousins etc Aah well, we do what we can. I have had some comment on how relaxed I am as a 1st time mum, and I truly believe its because I don't let Tallon's 'habits' get me down. I know he's a baby, and I'm his mum - and it's my job to be there for him, and it works a treat

I hope you can surround yourself with more supportive people IRL soon. I too would be lost without BB... actually.. I'd be a stressed out mum probably trying to control cry my baby even now, stressing that he's not sleeping, possibly not still breastfeeding, and I certainly wouldn't have the joy of sleeping with my baby everynight and waking to his smiling little face as he climbs all over me when he wakes up in the morning. LOL. I owe a lot to the girls here and the information I gathered from this site during TTC & pregnancy, helping me to tap into my mothering instincts better

[Rouge]

I am very lucky I think (after reading these posts). Nearly every person I know understands and follows similar principles to the ones we use to parent our children.

I hope you have some luck finding some other "gentle parenters" they do exist I promise!

*hugs*
Cailin

[Eugenia]

Cailin, you are very lucky indeed.

I don't generally worry much about this as I genuinely like my friends and I know that they are only doing what they believe is best for their babies. But we were out together as a group yesterday and some of the things said in the conversation really made me feel left out. And wishing I could say more too! But it's a fine line to tread between giving your opinion and appearing to critisize other people's choices. Nothing will convince I'm not doing the right thing for my baby and that thought keeps me going through the slightly tougher times.

I do feel better now after reading all these posts. And I'm determined I'll make it to this week's ABA meeting.

[shiona]

I have had similar issues with friends who must do everything according to the Babywise book. It is far to prescriptive and can not suit everyone as we are all so different and so are our children. A parenting program to deal with difficult behaviour in children 2-12 years is called 123, magic by Dr Thomas Phelan. I did a short course on this and found it a much more positive way of teaching young children appropriate behaviour and strengthening relationships within the family. Shiona

[Ara's Mum]

Its nice to know ....well sad that we are so alone some times.
I find it really hard...we started off with some great friends who were truely more Attachment Parenting than us.
We had our bub 6 months before them and we did struggle with colic and being told what to do and we were doing it wrong by everyone.
So when their bub came along and she also had colic they headed down another path from us.
Man if this is how a baby feels being left alone to Self Sooth it really hurts!!!