Do you judge other peoples parenting?

I think there's a difference between critically observing and judging though - I will critically observe a friend's parenting. I don't like that her children drink cola but I do like that CCing is seen as a bad thing and therefore we can share other ideas together. I choose not to let DS have any drink bar water or milk: at Nursery they give him very dilute juice in a sippy cup. At home, he has a big-boy cup. DS knows the difference and is OK with it. He'd rather have a big-boy cup than juice any day!

I will see a friend swears at her children, but also see that she swears in normal conversation. Now, I dislike swearing and don't use those words. Can I judge her for having heard and used those words all her life and not seeing a problem with them? No. I can decide not to do that with my child though, without judging.

I will see a friend so desperate for a "big family" she ignores the needs of her daughter so her husband will agree that children are "easy" and they'll have another. I disagree with her methods; I'd like a big family but it ain't gonna happen now! I can't ignore DS's needs because of what I think I want in 10-20 years' time. My friend can. Interestingly, she thinks she's doing better than me because she's a SAHM and I work... we both disagree with the other's parenting. Interesting to see how the children turn out!

And I win "bad parent medal" here for just being very relaxed about parenting and not researching it! I just know that DS has needs, as does every person, and it's my main job to get those needs and some/most of those wants met. I didn't need to research what I do because I am happy with my choices. When DS was very little I refused to give him a bottle and made him have formula in a cup so that he wouldn't decide BFing was too much effort when the bottle is easy. The cup was harder so BFing was a bit more successful. And yes, after a week, he was given bottles anyway, but by then we were BFing fairly well.

I have read parenting books. Quite a lot. I like reading and had a few lent to me. But I still ignored what was said if I didn't think it sounded like what I wanted to do! I suppose I parent with the view of "if I were DS, what do I need to happen?". Today, DS needed to go to Nursery while I study at home: he's tired and I'm tired (up for over 4 hours until gone 6am this morning so the lie-in until a quarter to nine wasn't that wonderful) and he wouldn't play alone and let me study so I'd get snappy and he'd be whingy because he wants to play outside with friends... Win/Win: I can study in peace and have a few breaks from study that don't involve trains and DS can have all trains and friends and happy, rested people around him. I don't need a book or a study to tell me that's the right thing to do! But I know other people would think that a "snow day" means I should have DS with me and enjoy his company... which I have already enjoyed enough today, in my eyes, but I suppose I could have done that if I had wanted to. Or had anyone nearby who'd take DS out for an hour so I could sleep after lunch LOL.

While I was pregnant I read every book the local library had on offer, and all the hand-me-downs from mum and friends who were past the baby stage (what a sad indictment on the people in our town - the one and only book store we had closed down because nobody was buying *anything*). I did bucketloads of research on the internet and still continue to check out new ideas and gather information, but at the end of the day I make an informed choice and decide how to raise DD going by instinct, consulting with DH, mum and keeping in mind what I've learned from books and other sources (friends, the lovely BB ladies etc), and watching how DD reacts to different methods.
I think a lot of people who knew me before I had DD are surprised to see that I'm doing an alright job - a lot of my old friends thought I was going to be one of *those* parents but can now see that I try my very best to learn what is going to be the best thing for DD.

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I think a lot of people who knew me before I had DD are surprised to see that I'm doing an alright job - a lot of my old friends thought I was going to be one of *those* parents but can now see that I try my very best to learn what is going to be the best thing for DD.

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Donna its sad, isn't it, that you get disapproving comments from people just because you readin parenting books! We got the same thing - I think people thought we were going to be very precious and pushy.

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But I still ignored what was said if I didn't think it sounded like what I wanted to do!

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Ditto RH - I saw these books like a supermarket - I took from the shelves what I wanted and left everything else for other people....

Like lots of other people I think the answers yes and no.
I work in childcare and have seen so many different parenting techniques both positive and negative and how they impact on children. Due to my studies I also know alot about child development but I don't think that is going to make me a better parent. I have learnt to be compassionate through this role as I often take on one of a councillor and have seen how some people just simply don't know how to be a parent. It is a learnt skill and if you have had no positive role models to teach you this then it's easy to fall into the trap of copying the negative parenting you have seen.I think most people try to do the best they can given what experience they have and I try to see the best in people.
In saying that I have seen children who have been abused and neglected and childcare there only positive place in the whole world so that makes not judging people difficult but I have to put that aside and go ok how can I help this child/family? I have bathed children because their parents haven't for a week and have felt angry that this child's rights have been neglected and thanked god they were in a safe place at least a couple of times a week.
Most of us learn to judge right from wrong at a young age so I think we are kind of pre programmed to do it even though we probably don't want to be seen as a judgemental person and certainly don't like being judged ourselves.

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Due to my studies I also know alot about child development but I don't think that is going to make me a better parent.

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This got me thinking. I don't think my research prior or since DS's birth makes me a 'better parent' than someone else is to their child, I think it makes me a better parent to my own child. It also helps me be the parent I want to be, because I decided what kind of parent I wanted to be already - not wanting to try a bit of everything, because I knew that certain contemporary parenting techniques and ideas did not gel with the kind of parent I wanted to provide for my child, nor gel with my ideas of the kind of kid I wanted to produce.
So, I think that where I do find myself evaluating the merits of someone else's parenting, it's not so much in terms of "my parenting is better", it's in terms of realising that watching some parents reinforces that my parenting is more respectful of the child as a person (rather than a chattel or ball of flesh designed to interrupt my life), and I find myself more patient because I do have that academic awareness of physiological and cognitive development, the knowledge of the importance of touch and emotional availability of the primary caregiver and a more receptive ear to the voice of intuition than a lot of other parents I see around me.
In this way I 'judge', not in the way that I think parents 'should' do what I do, because a) I don't 'should', and b) I would like them to just get in touch with love and compassion to parent their children, not copy what I do, because that is just as disconnected as following conventional, one-size fits all parenting advice (or worse still, practicing maladaptive patterns copied from their own parents). If there's one 'should' I use, it's that parents 'should' employ utmost love and compassion in all dealings with their children. That's the 'right' starting point, as far as I'm concerned!

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The Department of Child Protection can not intervene if they don't know that he is living there. This would be the point of you (who have the knowledge) of notifying them. If getting the authorities involved prevents or stops a child from continuing abuse then you would be helping the child in a big way.

If he has access to this child, and the mother is not able or willing to protect the child then notification may give the child a chance. The mother may be able to given resources, or information so she feels able to, and understand her role to protect the child. And if the mother is not able to fulfill her role then someone needs to protect the child.

I don't think there is a need to comment on other parents parenting styles that may differ with no immediate danger to the child, but in this case the child needs to be protected.

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But DCP have already said that they will not intervene because he hasn't hurt *this* child. They will only prevent him from living with children he HAS hurt. I don't want to get into too much detail because I'm worried that someone who knows the situation will recognise it and know who I'm talking about (slim chance but you never know), but she was with this person for a number of years before they separated, and it was not until after she left him that she found out about his history. She no longer believes that the claims made against him are real so in her eyes, so she doesn't feel the need to protect her child from him. DCP have been involved with her for some time now as well as with him and with his children and they adamantly refuse to offer any assistance whatsoever. The only thing that would happen if I told them is that my friend would lose her house, which would put her and her child in more danger anyway. He still has visitation with his children who all accused him of assault. He's done jailtime before but protecting children from emotional and physical suffering isn't something DCP are concerned about . .

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Donna its sad, isn't it, that you get disapproving comments from people just because you readin parenting books! We got the same thing - I think people thought we were going to be very precious and pushy.

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Haha, I get what you mean... unfortunately instead of thinking along those lines, most of my friends I'm sure assumed I would be one of those parents who puts their own needs before the child's 100% of the time. The kind of parent who won't change the baby's nappy until it's leaking, wouldn't BF because 'it will interfere with my social life if I have a baby attached to my nipple every two hours', the kind of parent who doesn't give a rats' what the kids are doing providing they're not bothering me. I was never that kind of person, but I went through a stage for a few years where I was a bit off the rails and it definitely coloured people's perception of me. So I think they were all completely shocked when they saw that I actually cared about my baby and my family, it made them really rethink their idea of me as one of those girls who 'do it for the money' or whatever it was they assumed. It's so funny now when I get comments from old friends who say, 'You know, I was always so adamant that I didn't want to have kids, but seeing you being a mum, and seeing it come so naturally, and seeing what a great little family you are and what a gorgeous, bright little girl you have, really makes me think that maybe parenthood is a future worth considering'. It makes me feel good to think that I must be doing *something* right if I'm showing people that while being a mum, and a young mum at that, is really challenging, it's also really rewarding when you do a good job of it.

As a mum-to-be, I definitely judge other peoples' parenting style. I am also closely watching and taking note of the things that I do like about different parents' approaches and saving them up for when my baby has arrived.

My sister is a really beautiful Mum and her kids are really well behaved, loved, individuals that have manners so I think I am going to be copying a lot of her techniques. I also love watching my Mum with the grandkids and her style of grand-parenting. I asked her if she was the same with us girls when we were kids and she said 'yes, people dont change' but I dont remember her being as much fun as she is now.

I have another girlfriend with 2 kids and while I adore her, there are a lot of parts of her parenting technique that I am going to give a miss. Her kids are just like her dogs, lovable but naughty, untrained puppies! It doesn't make her a bad parent, just a different one to the kind of parent I hope to be.

When I do judge parents, its when they are demonstrating behaviour that I think is totally inappropriate around children such as smoking while pushing the pram, swearing at their kids and speaking to them in an appalling manner, feeding them junk food and soft drinks, and generally having the look and feel of feral parents who are dragging their kids up rather than raising them.

Most other parents you can see that they are trying, even if their values and styles are not what I want my values and style to be, I can only give them kudos for doing their best.

Donna - it's nice when people do a double take of sorts! I've had people say they would never have pictured me as mother-material and say that it really suits me now. I still don't think I'm particularly 'maternal' in the way we think of the term, I just need to be maternal enough for my kid to be unconditionally loved and accepted for who he is, and provide for his needs - whatever kind of maternal I am, it's just what he wants from me :)

I was thinking more about this and decided another post was in order.
I think RHF was right when she brought up the point about critically evaluating others parenting and passing judgement.
I think too often we assume things about people which is when we risk becoming jugemental. For example we can look at someone swearing at their child and think "thats appalling, I would never speak to my child in that manner" and leave it which is critically evaluating or we can go onto assume things about the person. Things such as "I wonder what suberb they are from", or "they are young and don't know any better" are making assumptions about others which lead to judgement.
God that was a bit of a ramble, hope it makes sense.:)
Mayaness, I like your point about the study, I suppose the point I was trying to make about study is that I know alot of stuff in theory but my baby is only 3mths old and I still have lots to learn as I go along. I hate people assuming that because I work in early childhood education I will be a perfect parent with the perfect child(even though I think she's perfect).
In relation to the pedaphile docs would have him on file and are probably waiting for him to stuff up which is horrible cause it means someone else could get hurt. If he is emotionally abusing your friend or her child this is also reportable. They may have sanctions in place like he is not allowed to look after your friends child unsupervised or other conditions.Most of us are disallusioned with docs but they are extremly under resourced and if we keep trying to fight for the rights of children then at least we can know we did our best.
This is an interesting thread.

My thoughts are: There is no such thing as a PERFECT PARENT each and everyday we are learning new ways to deal with things and how to raise our children. I do judge other peoples parenting I am not proud of it. When my first child was born friends and family would judge me " your a first time mother u don't know anything, you should be BFing you shouldn't be going back to work rah rah rah" I felt I was not a good parent and I did not I know that if what I was doing was right or not. Everyone is so quick to judge others parenting skills, But have we ever stopped and looked in the mirror first. Can any of us really say that our parenting skills are 100% and that there is nothing we can do a little better? I know that there are a few things I could do better.

I think I do my best not to judge, or if I find myself doing so I look for underlying reasons, simply because I was pre-judged and judged and found wanting so much by my own mother for so long. Let alone other people - although I think I was a bit more sensitive than I needed to be inside when strangers commented.

Just yesterday at the station I saw tiny babies in forward-facing pushchairs. The mums were young, huge rolls of fat hanging out their clothes (yuck!), smoking, chatting amongst themselves and had been shopping, not talking to baby... you know what? They are copying what they learn. Maybe what their parents did, what all their friends do... they think it's normal. I can't condemn them for being different to me. I can think "I'm glad I have DS facing me as often as possible, that we like chatting, that my clothes cover me up in this cold weather, that I aren't addicted to smoking..." but I can't judge and condemn. Because, as mumma lion said, I'm not perfect. And I'd hope for some compassion when I stuff up too. And a lot of people thought I was odd for having a baby over one facing me so I could chat to him, think I'm odd for wearing a 2-year-old on my hip so we can chat, actually think I'm odd for just enjoying DS's company and wanting to be around him!

^ Haha, I'm convinced everybody thinks I'm a complete weirdo because even though DD's stroller faces forward (although that's used very rarely, usually I pop her in a trolley and she can either stand up and walk around in it or sit in the seat up close to me), I still talk to her constantly while we're out and about. I get some strange looks, but I agree - I enjoy chatting to DD and if that makes other people think I'm strange, then nuts to them :)

GM - I'm the same as you. I talk to DS constantly and I don't care if people think I'm crazy!

On the topic - I would honestly answer yes. We have a track that goes past our house that leads up into a rougher part of town, and I constantly see people going past with kids wearing no shoes and socks on cold days, and swearing and screaming - so mentally I do judge. I also feel greatful that I don't choose to live my life like that and I really feel like I am good mum.

In terms of judging when kids run out onto roads or have tantrums etc, I would say I hope I don't judge since becoming a mum..especially since I was looking at clothes in a shop the other day and I turned around and DS was gone :redface:. Blind panic for 5 minutes until a lady said "I think he's over there". I don't give a hoot if she judged me, I was too busy judging myself.

Everybody judges other parents. Everyone.
The thing is, we're humans, and we all like to do things our way. And then we see people doing things differently than us, or things we don't think are the right way of doing things, and we judge. Without thinking of the fact that the person your judging probably would have something to say about what your doing too.

I judge the mothers in the shopping centre screaming at their kids, and ripping them by the arms towards them and smacking the crap out of them, right there in the middle of target.
Only cause i think it could of been dealt with in a less of a "COME HERE YOU LITTLE UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN!!!" fashion. (although my brother has a tendancy to make me think he's the antichrist at times. ahh little 4yr old boys)

Don't feel to bad about judging, it's natural. As long as your not doing it 24/7.

I think all parents judge other parents.
i know i do and im sure others judge me, but hey we r all different.

no one is perfect

got to say... i was feeling VERY judgemnetal at the shops yesterday


this mum had her 5month old twin boys laying on the floor and playing.... IN THE SHOPPING CENTRE FOOD COURT..


EEEEWWWWWW! isnt that just SO gross?????:

LOL! Myson, i used to let DD roll all over the floors in places too. I figured it kept her occupied, allowed her to be active and was good for her immune system and she never got sick from it. ;)

Bx

I let DD eat of the floor (at home where I know they're fairly clean, not in public places) because I figure it's good for her immune system. In fact, I have a muck matt that I'd put under her high chair and wash after each use, but before I did she'd finish her tea and have her seconds off it!

:) DS eats food that has been dropped on a clean(ish) floor at home. Not nasty food, just food I'd eat myself.

OK so he never played on a shopping centre floor, but that's only because I didn't get to take him shopping too much! He played on MiL's floor which I'm sure is worse sometimes. Floors in public places, like Churches or whatnot, were fine for him.

If DS were crawling around and eating other peoples' dropped food, that would be something I wouldn't do.

BTW, I don't judge. Honestly. I don't. Not for more than 5 seconds at any rate! It isn't my place to judge on a five-second snapshot of someone else's life. I'm sick of being judged that I'm very critical of myself if I do find myself doing it, which is less and less often these days.

I have to say yes I do judge. I think it is human nature. Judgement occurs subconciously.

Although since having my own kids I am more open, understanding and accepting..bless motherhood it is such a humbling experience

Yep totally judge and i think my DH does too! has made him re evulate friendships so can be a sad thing

hey, we have the 3 second rule for food at our place too. but a shopping centre floor just seems a bit gross to me. these two little fellas werent crawling.. just wiggling around on their bellies.

but maybe thats not the judgemental me... maybe thats the clean freak, germphobic me... :rofl:

yep, and it doesn't always come from a conscious effort. i think that the majority of the time that we do this is not so much to denegrate or 'tut tut' other parenting, but rather as a way to re-evaluate our own choices. so sometimes i go: 'oh, i would [I]never[I] do that...', then i think 'hmmm actually...' ITMS. of course there are situations where it is a total no go for me, but for the most part i think it is all about learning and taking note and placing ourselves in the others shoes with their kids iykwim.

i hope my garbled post makes some sense! LOL!

I think sometimes when I am judgemental towards other parents it comes from a frustration that sometimes we take the "hard road" with DS in the belief that it is worth it in the end. By that I mean we parent him to sleep instead of leaving him to cry, even though it sometimes takes a really long time. Or persevering with breastfeeding even when it was frustrating. So when I go to mother's group and everyone is going on about how their babies sleep through the night blah blah blah I am sometimes a bit judgemental and think well that is because your baby is traumatised because you left him to cry for 2 hours.

Another example is at Christmas time, we were trying to help DS to sleep, at that time it was a very difficult task as he had reflux and breast refusal issues, I was putting him to sleep in one room and my cousin put her baby to sleep in another room. We heard her little one crying (which woke my DS up again!) and after a while I said to DP do you want to just check cos my cousin might have gone downstairs and can't hear him. DP went out and my cousin was standing outside the door listening to him cry. I felt very frustrated at the time because I was spending hours helping DS to sleep and her baby woke mine up and she was leaving him to cry. It made me feel better to tell myself that we were better for not leaving DS to cry.

Mumiloo - You may incorrectly judge me as well. My almost 4mth old sleeps all night and has since before xmas and I have never once practiced controlled crying. She is fully breastfed, has no dummy and if she does for some reason wake I feed her but she sleeps 8-12 hrs every night with no controlled crying so it is definatly possible, she just loves sleep like her mumma :) I usually rock her to sleep for ages or feed to sleep but she is just starting to put herself off without me, she just sucks her hand now. I have had every BF issue under the sun and express almost full time but don't think that because someone uses formula they aren't as strong as me, i'm just bloody stubborn! I have also been close to giving it up before but am determined to give my baby bm.
In saying that I found myself having judgemental thoughts the other day at mothers group. There was a mum there with her 3.5mth old and she was saying how she doesn't feed through the night anymore and just gives her DD the dummy if she wakes up so "she knows she won't get fed" then during the day "only feeds every 4hrs when i'm ready to feed her." I was thinking "god that poor baby, she's gone all night with no food and her mum won't even give her any extra through the day to make up for it. But instead of b****ing about it to my friends there I kept my mouth shut and went home and told DH about it instead.
I think this goes back to critically evaluating and judging. To me you made an assumption that babies who sleep through have mothers that practice CC and therefore that sounds judgemental but in the situation of your cousin you were just critically evaluating the situation.

Yes, I do judge. I dont' think we can help it really, but what matters is what we do about it once we find ourselves judging people.

For example I tend to be very harsh on people I know. Not just those whose parenting styles are not like mine as I know they may be doing what I consider the "wrong" thing but for the right reasons, ie they love their baby and are trying to do what they think is best for him. No, I tend to be (privately) judgemental of those who do things like let their 9 month old baby eat most of a Pizza Hut pizza on her own :o, I couldn't believe it when I heard it but they were boasting about it cause they were proud of her "achievement". I certainly had a lot to say about that, to DH only.

On the other hand I try very hard not to judge people I don't know. Like if I see someone in a shopping centre doing something I don't do. Mind you, it's very hard not to judge a woman shouting and swearing at her kids. Also I'm like Myson, I'd never let my child roll around the floor of a shopping centre food court, those places are filthy! But DD did crawl around the floor of the church on Sundays as I knew it was vacuumed and kept reasonably clean.

I also try not to feel judged which I think is something that affects how we judge others. Like my 3.5 month old sleeps 8 hours a night but it didn't occur to me to feel judged by what Mumiloo said as I just assumed she knew that the mothers in her mothers group had actually practiced CC and that's why their babies slept through.

This whole judging thing is a bit of a minefield really. Especially when you feel really strongly about some things, like gentle parenting.

Olive's mum and Eugenia- lucky you! :D When I was talking about someone from mothers group it was someone who actually said that she had left her baby to cry for 2 hours and even though it was really hard now they were sleeping through the night. When I am in a good mood and thinking logically though, I don't judge her or my cousin- they are just doing what they think is best and what they have been taught to do by books etc. What I was trying to say was that the nasty judgemental part of me seems to come out when I am feeling frustrated about how things are going in my own family- maybe there is a bit of doubt there about whether I am doing the right thing, or a feeling of "if only it was that easy". I think when I am judgemental it is more about me than them. I am trying to be more aware of this.

mumiloo - IKWYM about other parents doing things 'the easy way' when you have gone the long gentle road. Those people may judge us and think 'god they are wussy parents.' I think this thread is good in that it makes you evaluate the way you think about others. I obviously jumped to the conclusion that you were talking in general terms regarding sleep but eugenie took it to mean that you knew the people in your MG practiced CC so it's interesting how we interpret things differently and how that affects our jugdement as well. Sorry I misinterpreted yor comment.

My friend gave her one month old baby JUICE the other day. It was a hot day and bubs wouldn't take water (not that I thought she needed it) so she got JUICE out of the fridge, watered it down a bit and stuck the bottle in her mouth. Not even baby juice - like Golden Circle juice.

I started to say "Ahhh... I don't think her body is going to take that very well" and she instantly got on the defence. I had to leave after that before I exploded.

So in answer to your question - YES I do judge. :redface:

Yes I do judge and Im a better mother for it. If I can ignoledge the faults others have then I can learn fom them NOT to do it. Im saying the 'terrible' stuff. Like a terrible diet for your child (aslong as I know for a fact the diet is terrible, not taking the time for both your children etc I could go on, trust me.
We dont speak or want to know Clints sister A) For her LACK of parenting B) We cant trust her or her husband around Annabelle C) Everytime I see her parenting it makes me sick!
I DO judge and Im not ashamed because those who Im judging, should be.

Eg: I dont judge petty stuff or anything I dont understand. A little girl was at the doctors while I was and she would have been about 2 and was WELL over weight. Some old ladies next to me were *****ing. I had to move away from them as I truly didn't understand why that little one was so big and I could tell it wasn't from over eating, poor little bubba wasn't well at all. Hence what I mean by, if I dont know the facts I tend not to let myself judge.

Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.

And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?

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Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.

And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?

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Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat :(. With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary :(

Do I judge. Unfortunatly yes, I do, sometimes.

I have lots of friends who do things very differently to my way ,like CC, not even attempting to BF because they feel that FF is "more convenient", feeding their toddlers a diet of mainly chicken nuggets and chips, giving their 2 year olds only diet products (no fat milk, yoghurt, processed cheese) give them softdrink from 1 year onwards (albeit the "sugar-free" versions), teach their kids to make insulting comments about others (regarding their weight or state of boldness - a friend of ours actually told his kids not to touch my DH cause they might catch "baldy germs"),.....
Do I think they're bad parents? NO. A bad parent to me is somebody who does things that intentionally harm a child. I do think they don't have the "right" information. I believe that they are doing their best based on the knowledge they have. I do believe that if they had the information that I have and approached it with and open mind, they would do things differently. Of course this attitude is extremely patronising and I'm not proud of it.

Do they judge me? Of course they do. I'm too soft with my child and I spoilt her by co-sleeping and feeding her to sleep. In their mind I don't have a sense of humour cause I don't find it cute when the kids scream "Eeeew, baldy germs" at my DH. They probably think that I'm doing the wrong thing by occasionally giving my child a treat with real sugar in it (I would never give them sweetener). They cringed because DD had cow's milk, honey and even peanut butter in ver small amounts before she was 1. They thought I was depriving her of something cause I never gave her Farex and exclusively BF for 6 months, then kept doing it til she self-weaned at 19 months.

The bottom line is, although I do feel that what I am doing is the right thing for my child and me, I have to accept their approach, too. They are the parents, they get to make the decisions. I reserve the right to do things my way, so I have to let them have that freedom, too.

I would never judge somebody I don't know for little things like that. If I see a mother taking her toddler to Macca's, this might only be an occasional thing or they might do that every day. i don't know that. If I see something that I would disagree with, I don't know what lead to this happening. I try and give people the benefit of the doubt.

BUT, when I see a parent shaking their baby, or something like that, then I do judge. Although I do understand how frustrated we can become, especially when we're sleep deprived, this is completely unacceptable.

To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here. I used to admire a family member's child who was so well behaved. Now, I feel sorry for her, sometimes. She is never allowed to be a kid. My toddler runs around giggling and squealing with joy, while her 2 1/2 year old sits at the table and waits for the adults to finish their dinner before she is allowed to leave her chair (and I'm talking 3 courses, but only close family).
I try to remind myself that we are just different and so, our kids will be raised differently, too. This approach doesn't fit in with me or my daughter, but my approach wouldn't fit with her and her daughter.

Sorry, for the ramble. And thanks for bringing up this topic. It made me have a long hard look at my attitude towards other parents.

Saša

I do judge.
And I am proud of it!

I expect and know that I am judged by others, and so it should be. We are all used as measuring sticks for each others parenting in some way shape or form. This is what I believe keeps on an even kiel. It is what allows us to try new things, and experience others points of view.

Just because one make or forms a judgement does not mean that it cannot be changed through understanding and perspective.
I find that my personal views are at odds with many people I know, and this in turn impacts the way they raise their children, obviously. So I think it only logical that I would form an opinion and judgement on how those views influence their children. After all, these are the people that I will eventually live in the world with and run the country when I am old. iykwim.
How they are raised, the values they are instilled with, their education levels, etc are therefore important as they will have a direct impact on my life and the lives of my children in the future. How society guides its moral compass is going to be a direct result of how the next generation are raised. I expect that I shall be judged and I welcome that judgement. It enables me to change my views or practices, or not, and gives me the different perspective from how I was raised myself.

Hmm. That sounds a bit messy doesnt it! lol
Anyway, I think that judgement is crucial to how the next generation are raised. Some parents are not given education they should have been (YES!! A judgement!! lol) and some ignore it. These people need to hear different opinions, views and practices in order to fill the void between how they are and how they should be caring for children.
There are obviously times and places to voice ones judgements or criticisms, but I do believe that there is nothing wrong with being judgemental of others parenting skills. And I welcome people to openly judge mine. I would be worried if people tried to tell me that I was perfect and required no thought on any aspect of my parenting - there are obviously many ways of doing things, and I am always open to any suggestions on how I could parent better.
Parents should be open to all and any comments on their parenting as far as I am concerned. (Just because someone has a different way of doing something, there is nothing that says after careful consideration, you cannot ignore them anyway.)


Hope that made sense...lol it is getting late!

Mmmmm, Lime Slice , I see what you are saying. But I think we're still having a different view on things.
DD got sun burnt a couple of months ago. I felt horribly guilty. It was obvioulsy not something I let happen on purpose. I didn't need people asking me: "How could you let her get burnt. Don't you know how dangerous it is..." And people did say it. Some even added: "Well, I hope you feel guilty".
Or when I decided to continue BFing past 6 months of age, I didn't need people telling me all the time that it is creepy for a toddler to BF or that they think I'm not doing the right thing nutritionally for her. Or when they told me to CC because they "think" it's the right thing to do.
I guess if somebody wants to judge me, they should do so based on facts that they know about me (not making assumptions) and they should be able to back up their opinion with research. But, at the same time, they should be open to the reasoning for my actions, too. I find that the people who are the most judgemental are usually the least receptive for a different point of view, even if it based on solid research. And often they are also the people that have no experience of their own about raising children. Like my MIL (she became DH's stepmum when he was 10) who has never had young children of her own.
I do get very sick of having to justify myself to others. I do the things I do because I have done my research and I have added some common thought to it and I believe it is the best way to go. It is my business.

Saša

I think judging is something we need to be so careful of. Whilst I do understand where you are coming from Limelice, I do believe you have the right intentions, it could seriously backfire.

I was raised by a mother from the "What will people think?!" or the "Tut tut" generation and I can tell you now, it was not pleasant. It certainly did not mean that people were raised well, it was just that people made sure that what they did in public was perceived to be right. It was really, really screwed up! As an example, my mother never wanted me to be a part of scripture classes as primary school, rather than going with her beliefs, she had me go as she was afraid of being judged. She put her personal reputation above how she thought I should be taught As an extreme example, I had to give a statement to the police one evening, it was late, so they gave me a lift home. My mother was highly embarrassed. I explained to her that isn't it better to get home safely and she was not happy with that. She would have rather had me walk home in the dark and have something had happen to me, than have the neighbours thinking I had been brought home by the police for doing something wrong. As I said before, really screwed up.

If we are too open with judging and passing out unwanted opinions, then there is a real risk of parenting being pushed underground. Many parents (including myself) would be almost too afraid to go out the front door in case someone comes up gives some ridiculous opinion. How much damage would that do? Kids kept home, not going to playgroup, due to that fear. Parents afraid to admit something, get help, for fearing of judging.

There is so much judgement out there already, without people feeling they need to add more. Please do not encourage others to be more judgemental than what they already are.

I think there's a difference between judging and evaluating- and constructive criticism! I have been told countless times to CC and have kindly deflected the thoughts a lot, by explaining that it wouldn't work for us, DS wouldn't stop crying and anyway I don't want him to learn that Mammy doesn't come for him when he needs her! It's a way of saying "thanks but no thanks" with also "and you're doing it wrong because..." without sounding judgemental or mean!

WRT child restraints, I'd be pointing out that it's illegal not to use a child restraint. IMO parents with unrestrained children running wild in the back of the car are irresponsible. If DS took off his seatbelt and ran wild I'd stop the car and not move until he was strapped in again. Every time. Even if it took two hours to get five minutes down the road to get home again! But other parents for some reason think "we're nearly home, it doesn't matter" - most accidents happen near home! I can't fathom that thinking, but then they can't fathom my putting DS's needs first all the time: safety is a real need.

BTW, I have a child who sits to table until everyone has finished and who is mostly quiet and well behaved around adults. It's not my parenting, well not much. It's his nature too. OK so he has toy trains if they are needed and takes them to Church every week (now that we're going again: another story but DS is quiet for 95% of the sermon and doesn't run amok). DS is full of fun and laughter, but he also knows when it's important to behave as an adult should. He doesn't always, but he does his best and knows what behaviour is appropriate when. I don't quash him (much LOL) but he knows my expectations, that I'm not cross if he can't meet them and that these expectations will be with him for life. My expectation is that he sits quietly through a sermon. He knows he may talk quietly or move around in a set area. He is not in trouble if he wants to run and play loudly, but he may not stay in the service. And the joy is I'll never expect anything different from him. My expectation of a 2 month old is the same of a 2 year old is the same as a 20 year old. With less tolerance if the 20 year old wants to play trains though!

And I've taken DS to burger king! It was that or starvation one evening on a motorway. He picked the food up and decided to starve LOL. He had fruit in the car but DH and I were fancying something and DH was driving, so burger king... and DS had none of it. Bless him. But we still took him in!

I think if we look at others' parenting and we can learn from it, be it a "let's do this" or "let's not do that" then WE have learnt and that's good. If we can share a tip then that's great: I was chatting to another woman about sleep problems earlier today and told her what worked for us. Without either of us mentioning CCing! But to... not just judge, but to jury and exocutioner as well IYSWIM, that I don't agree with. If you have a real problem with a parenting style then either say something or stop whinging in your head. I may have thought SiL was doing the wrong thing stopping BFing at 4m, but it's her choice and she made sure Niece was nurished... just because I breastfed for over a year doesn't mean she has to, or to feel judged by my continuing to feed beyond when she chose to stop. Nor should I feel that she thinks feeding beyond a year is wrong because she stopped formula at that point... I don't feel judged and that's good.

I think judging is a bad thing but if we do feel something is wrong then we can always offer constructive help. "Oh, my little one was just the same, this helped me: I know you've probably tried everything but just to make you feel less alone because I've been there too." My word, I'd take that advice! I wouldn't take "Your child is awful, you should do this" advice at all.

Child beating, child molesting, child murder... OK, I do judge here. I can understand being at the end of your tether and have told Liebling before now "I can see how with another mother you wouldn't be here any more" but I can't fathom crossing that line. And I am soooo thankful and grateful for that.

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Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat :(. With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary :(

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This reminds me of someone I know. I know a girl who lifts her son out of his pram by pulling him out by his arm - one arm. I also strongly suspect she abuses him physically (she claimed a black eye was caused by a fall but I don't believe it) but that's a different issue altogether. The thing that annoys me the most is people shake their heads and say "Oh, those young mothers" and I'm a year younger than her :wall:

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To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here.

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Indeed. I was certain that co-sleeping was dangerous and wrong before I had DD. Now I strongly believe in it for health, safety and sanity reasons!

I think it's an important point that some mistakes are out of ignorance and some are just careless. For example, I will confess here in front of all of you that I gave DD honey on her dummy when she had colic a couple of times. I knew the sugar wasn't good for her teeth but I was told that it didn't matter as the teeth hadn't actually broken the gum yet. I didn't know that it can contain harmful bacteria. Once I found out that my initial opinion was correct and it is harmful, I stopped doing it or letting anyone else do it. Luckily it was only a couple of times. I wonder if that's the case with parents who give their kids sugar-free soft-drink. We know that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer, perhaps they don't?

I've noticed that my parenting gets judged actually. I was out with DD and she had been tantruming all day, it took us hours to get somewhere that should've taken 15 minutes. She had thrown herself on the pavement screaming and crying and I was telling her to stop and lifting her up to her feet. I've been told I have the patience of a saint and I was trying to be firm with her, I certainly wasn't cross. A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles! As DD has gotten older I've really started to understand just how bad it feels to be judged. On the other hand, I've seen things that have absolutely shocked me. I saw a little girl (maybe 4 years old) running in fear away from her mother who was screaming swearwords, abuse, names and threats at her. It was just awful. I've seen a mother push her son by his head onto the floor of a supermarket. I'd like to say there is a big line between parenting choices and abuse, but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

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... A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles!

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Probably a combination of '*tsk tsk* Those young mothers...' (I get it a lot too, what, I'm automatically a terrible mother because I got married and had a baby at 21 rather than wasting another decade 'living my life' or 'finding myself'? Pfffffft.), and 'Just flog the little tyrant, you're obviously one of those namby-pambies who doesn't believe in disciplining your unruly children'.
Either way, both narrow-minded opinions from women who don't know what they're on about. :)

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but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

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What? That law got passed? Smacking is now banned here??

*looks around* well... I'm up the creek then, aren't I? I already try to avoid doing it in public because I don't appreciate busybodies getting into my business, but yeah... uh-oh for me.