Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Very well said!

I have been trying to get Dp's sister to restrain her son properaly in the car but since he was about 18months hes been in a booster seat . With an adult seat belt. This will crush his chest if they crash.
I have sent her emails upon emails with the facts and even the little bubbas that have died from what she's doing.
Yet still nothing. "It'll never happen to me" or "She'll be right" shouldn't be in a mothers vocabulary

This reminds me of someone I know. I know a girl who lifts her son out of his pram by pulling him out by his arm - one arm. I also strongly suspect she abuses him physically (she claimed a black eye was caused by a fall but I don't believe it) but that's a different issue altogether. The thing that annoys me the most is people shake their heads and say "Oh, those young mothers" and I'm a year younger than her

To the poster who mentioned about judging other's parenting styles while she herself is still pregnant. I used to do that. I think most women do. But you might find that you'll do a complete 180 once your bubba is here.

Indeed. I was certain that co-sleeping was dangerous and wrong before I had DD. Now I strongly believe in it for health, safety and sanity reasons!

I think it's an important point that some mistakes are out of ignorance and some are just careless. For example, I will confess here in front of all of you that I gave DD honey on her dummy when she had colic a couple of times. I knew the sugar wasn't good for her teeth but I was told that it didn't matter as the teeth hadn't actually broken the gum yet. I didn't know that it can contain harmful bacteria. Once I found out that my initial opinion was correct and it is harmful, I stopped doing it or letting anyone else do it. Luckily it was only a couple of times. I wonder if that's the case with parents who give their kids sugar-free soft-drink. We know that artificial sweeteners have been linked to cancer, perhaps they don't?

I've noticed that my parenting gets judged actually. I was out with DD and she had been tantruming all day, it took us hours to get somewhere that should've taken 15 minutes. She had thrown herself on the pavement screaming and crying and I was telling her to stop and lifting her up to her feet. I've been told I have the patience of a saint and I was trying to be firm with her, I certainly wasn't cross. A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles! As DD has gotten older I've really started to understand just how bad it feels to be judged. On the other hand, I've seen things that have absolutely shocked me. I saw a little girl (maybe 4 years old) running in fear away from her mother who was screaming swearwords, abuse, names and threats at her. It was just awful. I've seen a mother push her son by his head onto the floor of a supermarket. I'd like to say there is a big line between parenting choices and abuse, but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

[Glamourcide]

... A goup of women walked by and one of them gave the most horrible look and I honestly can't think of why! Was it my parenting? Was it my naughty toddler? I still don't know but it sure made me feel like crap at a time where I was already having troubles!

Probably a combination of '*tsk tsk* Those young mothers...' (I get it a lot too, what, I'm automatically a terrible mother because I got married and had a baby at 21 rather than wasting another decade 'living my life' or 'finding myself'? Pfffffft.), and 'Just flog the little tyrant, you're obviously one of those namby-pambies who doesn't believe in disciplining your unruly children'.
Either way, both narrow-minded opinions from women who don't know what they're on about.

but then again smacking children is abuse in Australia and I personally don't agree with that, though I don't smack myself.

What? That law got passed? Smacking is now banned here??

*looks around* well... I'm up the creek then, aren't I? I already try to avoid doing it in public because I don't appreciate busybodies getting into my business, but yeah... uh-oh for me.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I thought it had, perhaps I'm wrong? I tried googling it but I can't find any information.

[onthefly]

My mum always says: I was a perfect parent until I had children.

It's easy to make knee-jerk assessments of people who's situations we don't fully appreciate. I think it's just part of the way we make sense of the world - I guess the key thing is whether we take that further and 'judge'.
I don't like that I do it, but I do sometimes... and then mentally slap myself.

[sunshine_sieben]

I was a perfect parent until I had children

I love this quote. I'll have to steal it.

[Glamourcide]

I thought it had, perhaps I'm wrong? I tried googling it but I can't find any information.

I knew it was being discussed, it was all over the news for ages, I thought they ended up rejecting it by saying that there's a definite line between 'smacking' and 'beating' a child, and that it's a parents' right to use 'smacking' as discipline provided the child isn't injured, kwim??

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I think "smacking" is such an emotive word - it covers everything from "a quick tap on the hand" to "beating child senseless with kitchen implements". Whilst I'm sure you're in the "tap" end of the spectrum, Gothmum, there are others who use smacking who are not. So when we hear "smack" we're not sure where on the spectrum people are and it is worrying.

Personally, I don't judge on smack bum/tapped hand sort of thing. Because before I had DS I always thought I would smack. As it happens, we know smacking won't work with our lad. Beating senseless probably would, but we don't want to do that! Who knows what we'll do with another child? While it's something I'm glad I don't have to do with DS it's not something I would rule out wholesale necessarily - although it wouldn't be first choice.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I agree that 'smack' isn't a good term. I thought the basis of the law change (if that is what happened, I might be wrong?) was that it prevented any potential for arguement over what is child abuse and what is discipline. If a smack is meant to cause pain, it's too much IMO but I know parents who completely disagree and say that the pain is what stops them from doing the behaviour again. When does it stop being discipline and start being abusive IYWIM?

[Inertia]

What? That law got passed? Smacking is now banned here??

I am not sure where you are, but I know that recently the "No smack" law was defeated in QLD, and NSW has acceptable smacking specified.

It must not:
* Be above the shoulders
* Cause sustained pain
* Leave a mark
* Be done by anything but an open hand

Onto the subject at hand!

I try not to think of it as 'judging', more like - having an opinion. For example, in my opinion, anyone who would let a know pedophile stay in their home with their child deserves to have that child taken from them until they learn to put that childs needs first. Putting the child first is - in my opinion - an agreement you make with yourself before you get pregnant.

It is also - in my experience - a very bad idea to give babies cola. My XH used to give DD1 coke in her bottle while I was at work because it was easy for him. I ended up leaving him because the health and welfare of our children was not a priority for him and no amount of 'training' changed that. He still gave her coke. He still treated DS like he didnt exist, and he still dumped them with his father at every opportunity. All also in my opinion bad traits. To give you an idea of how important his trophy wife and kids were to him, he was happy to give me full custody with all rights and no interference if we left the state and he got to keep the house, contents and shop we owned. I agreed. The coke had already ruined DDs baby teeth. I was not going to let him ruin any more of their childhood.

IMO, co-sleeping is one of the best methods of giving mum and bub the best and most rest possible. However, IMO, you should not do it if you have been drinking, use recreational drugs or medication that causes drowsiness.

That way its not judging anyone. Its just my opinion. Everyone is free to have a different one. It doesn't automatically make either right or wrong, just different.

[Glamourcide]

^ Well then I'm definitely not a child abuser as far as the law says Always on the bum/thigh (seeing as nappies act as a big bit of padding and therefore don't allow me to get the point across), always with an open hand and never hard enough to leave a mark - just enough to give her a bit of a shock, hurt her pride worse than her backside, and enforce the message that 'no' means just that... and I only use it when she's being deliberately disobedient (ie has been told several times 'no' and still does it regardless) or when she's in immediate danger where having a stern chat or waiting for her to listen to me is putting her at risk (eg touching power cords/opening the oven door while it's open etc). Or, when she's throwing a completely unnecessary tantrum and a quick tap on the bum sort of shocks her out of her hysteria and gets her to stop and think long enough for me to talk to her and calm her down.

As far as judging goes, I'm sure there are parents out there who would judge me for using smacking as discipline, but I didn't set out to be one of those 'smacking' parents - maybe for other parents, non-physical forms of discipline work perfectly well and that's awesome for them, but for DD in particular, sometimes it's just necessary. I'm just waiting until she's old enough to understand me properly and we'll review that when the time comes, perhaps as she gets a bit older she won't need to be smacked as other forms of discipline will work - but then again, maybe not (I remember being smacked right up until I became taller than my mum at the age of 10). DD2 may be a completely different child and may not ever need to be smacked, I will certainly try to avoid it if I can.

At the moment I'm being really mad at DH because he thinks it's entirely hilarious to 'teach' DD cuss words - he's already taught her the 's' word and today he had her repeating the 'f' word back to him in her tiny little girl voice - 'buck, buck'... I know she's going to pick those words up eventually because DH and I use four-letter words as frequently and casually as we use words like 'dog' and 'car', but I don't think it's funny for him to sit her down and teach her how to say them, kwim??
So I'll be in for it as she begins to speak more clearly, all the daycare/school mums will be pursing their lips and glaring at me because DD is teaching *their* kids how to cuss...

[Inertia]

Oh, I so know how you feel there. My DS3 run up to me the other day with a toy Mack (The truck from cars) and declares. "Mum, a f***".

He also does "ah s***" when his blocks fall down. *sigh*

Unfortunately, he learnt the second one from all over the place. I have been known to cuss when I kick my toe - which I do with gay abandon these days. O.o DD1 has started trying to be all grown up through expletives. Then there is tv. I am wondering if there is any point trying to stop it. Its rampant at school. Only DD2 finds it all distasteful.

[Glamourcide]

^ I agree with you there, I think no matter how much you censor yourself (or just don't use four-letter words because you don't like them), the kids will pick them up from somewhere and it's just part of life - like them going through the phase where they're obsessed with bums, bodily functions and genitals... it's not 'polite' but it's a novelty and the less of a big deal you make of it, the more likely they are to grow out of it, kwim??
I just worry because I'm not the most conventional-looking mother (lol I get the weirdest looks when I'm out doing the groceries, especially in a small town) and I know people judge me enough without having the old, 'You're a horrible parent for allowing your child to swear, especially because *your* child has taught *my* child how to swear' thrown into it!!
Not that I think kids learn swear words from just one other kid, I know when I was young my parents used them, I heard them on TV or in movies my parents watched, and *everybody* at school used them on the playground - it was pointless trying to blame Jane Taylor or Caleb Jones for 'teaching' me because we all knew them!!

[SunnyRain]

To answer the original question, yes I judge. I come home from mother's group feeling depressed for the entire next day due to my different parenting style from some of the other mothers, but of course I don't say anything because all the babies are happy and healthy.

I'm most judgemental on myself, however, and I shudder to think what some of my friends would think if they knew my baby had self-weaned by 4 months, despite my desperate attempts to keep going, so I'm not going to tell them.

But I really wanted to comment on the issue of protecting the child from the child molester, and I just wanted to say that unless you have proof there's no point alerting the police, and without proof it would be wrong to alert child protection services. I don't believe taking a child out of the care of the mother is in anyone's best interest. The foster care system is not the better option. However, you might consider organising a proper intervention for your friend with her friends and family, she would do much better with loving support than judgement alone (of course you have to judge her first in order to decide she needs an intervention) since she's found herself in such a bad place in life.

Regarding the wearing of shoes ... I ran around barefoot as a child. It's really very common in Australia for children to run around barefoot. Everyone's barefoot on the Gold Coast, riding their bikes and skateboarding around the beach in bikinis and that's all. Obviously if there's broken glass you need to teach your children to be careful, but shoes are overrated.