Resilience? How do you teach it?

[ticklish]

Well, DS - nearly 16 months - has been in the wars in the few days.

He had a bad fall from a height on the weekend and ended up with a shiner around his eye. DH felt like a really bad parent because it was on his watch and I wasn't home. It was his first big fall.

Well, yesterday during the day, DS got stuck behind a heavy piece of furniture. He squeezed into the smallest gap at the bottom and the side and then when he stood up behind it he had his head stuck behind it and the wall. I screamed because he was terrified. I never knew I had so much strength but I moved it and got him out. DS was really crying but I think it was more because mummy screamed because he went straight back to do it again. The only thing I could think to do was to take him for a walk to the park. To get out of the house immediately and remove himself from the fright he (and I) had just had and have some fun in the park. Yes, that worked a treat!

It got me thinking. These are not the first and last times DS is going to hurt himself, terrify himself or otherwise have something bad happen.

How to we teach our children to be resilient and grow into well adjusted human beings?

[paradise lost]

I think we have to be really calm and dismiss these things ourselves and our kids will learn to too, kwim?

If DD falls i say "oopsa" and tell her to get up, if she cries i stand her up and hug her and if she screams i pick her up telling her she's fine and distract her ASAP - as you did. If she's scared i dispel the fear (she's never been scared of something i'd consider scary) and then move on, more or less ignoring her cries and distracting her - i dont ignore HER, i just don't make reference to her upset. I also try not to show fear or pain unless it is unavoidable. For instance when she pulled coffee onto herself i was unable to contain my fear and i freaked a little as i whisked her to the bathroom to wash her scalds and cool them off- this was good actually, she now knows not to touch the hot cups! But i burnt myself recently and i ran it under the tap while chatting to her, so she could see mummy was ok. If i hurt myself in some minor way i try no to make a fuss, i've never hurt myself in a major way near her *knocks on wood*.

I can remember my mum dropping a 6' by 4' oak dining table top directly onto her big toe (on edge). SHe blinked back tears and sad "Rollocks!" very loudly and that was it. That nail came off, the toe was black for months, i KNOW it must have hurt, but she made little fuss about such things and i learned to too.

So i think, lead by example and don't get caught up in their reaction to something unless it is justified...?

Bx

[Heaven]

From a psychology/attacment perspective this is the theory:

Children are saying-
Mum/Dad, when I get upset (frustrated, withdrawn, whiney, demanding, out of control), my behaviour actually means that I need you to:

• Be Calm
• Take Charge (protect me, comfort me, delight in me, organise my feelings)
• Stay with me until we both understand this feeling that seems too much for me alone.
• Help me return to what I was doing with a new option (watch over me, help me, delight in me, enjoy with me).

[Bathsheba]

If our DS (just over a year old) gets himslef into a predicament like that we make sure we calmly help him in a matter-of-fact way.... not with drama. When he falls over I sometimes have to supress a little scream as DH says "Shh, he's ok, you'll frighten him" and sure enough up he pops and toddles off.

With our 3yo we are even more aware of him observing our reactions so like Bec said, we teach by example. Encouragement when he tries to tackle something hard/scary and praise for dealing with fear/pain. Eg at the doctors getting his needles: "Yes, it will hurt for a little while..." then "you dealt with that really well". I personally don't like to use the the words "brave boy"... I don't know why, it doesn't seem right... in our family we use the word "dealt with" a lot instead. That's what resilience is I guess; dealing with stuff.

Our 12yo DD, I am proud to say, is a very resilient girl. Especially physically. Maybe because we don't subscribe to the "boys are tougher than girls darling and you should demand to be treated like a princess etc" which is how we see many of her friends being treated by their parents.

I think a lot of it has to do with raising your children without guilt. This might seem an odd thing to say but there's an epidemic these days of guilty parents trying to appease their children with too many indulgences and this includes things like "ok darling, you don't have to do sport today if you don't want to I'll write a note". And I think this stems from parents knowing that they are too busy to spend time with their children so try to be "softer" regarding life's challenges. So yes I do think we are, as a society, raising a generation of individuals that do lack the resilience of early generations.

I agree that the home should be a 'soft place to fall' (a Dr. Philism)... however by shielding your children from too many challenges and over reacting when they have no choice but to meet a challenge ie when they hurt themselves, you are doing them an injustice. Sure comfort and support but don't over react and imply that they shouldn't have had to meet the challenge in the first place.

Best of all, I think, is to talk to your children as soon as they are able to comprehend: tell them that life is meant to be challenging and that it's ok that things are tough/scary because then we get to be stronger. Try to point out that with every dark cloud there is a silver lining. eg:

"Yes I know all the other kids get driven to school everyday but don't you think walking to school has helped you be the fittest girl in your grade?"

"I know you don't want to have a needle but if you deal with it then we'll go buy a new train".

"I know that little boy was mean to you at Kinder but nevermind ... maybe he feels a bit sad about something I wonder what it could be? I know your other friend enjoyed playing with you today".

So essentailly sharing an optimistic outlook with your children, whilst at the same time calmly accepting that hard stuff will have to be 'dealt with' is the key.

[Heaven]

Very true Bath, it's amazing all the little cues children, even very young, get from their parents body language and facial expressions. I remember watching a video on it at uni, it was soooooo amazing.

[paradise lost]

So TRUE Bath!

Yesterday DD got scared at bedtime because she heard dada and mumma (seperately) on the baby monitor while we were in and out getting bathtime ready. She doesn't get how there can be 2 voices and is very scared and gets hyterical. Now i KNOW most of the crying is tiredness because it's bedtime and also that even if she is frightened, the baby monitor is not a threat or a danger. So i'm pottering about, getting her milk, laying out pJ's, and soothing her with my voice/trying to distract her. Meanwhile XP is going "She NEEDS you Bec, will you just hold her!?" so i carry her about a bit and he continues to go off about how serious it all is, meanwhile she is TERRIFIED, because now dada is scared too! Something REALLY scary must be happening. I kept telling him to calm down and eventually used the doctor analogy saying "If you cut your finger and go to the doctor, how would you feel if he screamd "GOOD GOD!" and called an ambulance? Even if it looked like a little cut? She's looking to you for comfort, you're scaring her worse". He went quiet for a bit (though still hovering nearby and occasionally picking her up and saying "Oh BABY, you poor thing" etc. and confirming her fears some more). In the bath she wanted my hairbrush. I don't let her play with my hairbrush, she chewed the last one. XP says "just give her it" i decline saying "she has lots of bath toys, she isn't allowed my hairbrush" at which point he yells "Just give her it, it's a special case!". I refuse and, not wanting to get into it right then, while she was screaming even louder at us fighting, take her to her room. I dry her off and put a nappy on her, she goes on crying, he goes on hovering. By then i'm getting really annoyed, she's been screaming hysterically (blue lips, red face, full-on screaming) for 20 minutes and he's making it WORSE! Eventually i tell him i think she needs just one of us to put her to bed so she'll calm down. He says goodbye 4 times, each time resulting in more screaming which, the first 3 times, he comes back to "soothe" by saying goodbye again.

Eventually he goes. I put her PJ's on, wrap her in a fleecey cuddlerug and sing to her a little. The crying stops within a minute of him leaving, she's asleep before the story is half-read.

Afterwards he phoned to ask if she was fine and tell me he thought i went too far with the doctor analogy, and was "mean" about the hairbrush. I reiterated that him being scared when she is FINE makes it worse and that maybe my doctor analogy was sharp but i didn't have time to worry about his feelings, he is a grown man, i was trying to help Smee, who is a baby! I then said "If i give her things she's not allowed just because she's upset, what sort of adult will she grow into? Where does that end? Today she gets a hairbrush she'll wreck because she's upset, what will i do if you die? Buy her a pony? We cant medicate her upsets with treats, life is NOT like that. She'll grow up feeling bitter and that the world owes her something everytime she's upset, but the world won't care." XP went quiet then because he sees that attitude in his own family, it's how they work, and he actually hates it, i think he just didn't see before HOW one gets to be like that.

What a mammoth post, just thought i'd share my resilience story. LOL. I'd have posted it last night right after it happened but i was too exhausted....

Bec

[Bathsheba]

What a brilliant post Bec... had me riveted and now i'm fetching my DH to have a read... not because he is like your XP (he isn't) but just to show him what i mean by coming on BB for some intelligent conversation! (as a SAHM you need it as you know....). Such wise words.

ETA: I was going to give the example of a mother cooing "ooooh my pooooor baby" as she tries to soothe a disgrunted toddler... it's just so wrong, and sometimes I think adults do this to soothe themselves just as much as the child IYKWIM

[ticklish]

Wow, hoobley, thanks for telling your resilience story. I see a bit of DH in your XP - "the just give it to" him because he doesn't like to see DS upset. Must be hard bringing up DD just the way you want when you have an XP. My DS is the same age as your DD, only a few days between them. When mummy screamed because DS was wedged between the furniture and the wall and he became upset and scared. It was more because mummy was upset that DS being squashed, so you are so right that they react to what is going around them.

Bathsheba - I want my DS to grow up to be resilient like your 12 yo DD. I agree with the Dr Philism - that home should be a soft place to fall.

When DS falls over, I always have made light of it because the first thing he does is look to you for your reaction. If he is not hurt, he just gets up and toddles off. When he is hurt - well then there are tears after my initial light-hearted laugh at him telling him he is alright and then it is time for a cuddle. DS is not really the type who is comforted by a cuddle, never has been, distraction actually works best.

At 16 months of age, the worst that has happened so far is the fall and getting stuck behind furniture.

I asked the question because as he grows the difficulties will become more complicated. I feel in many ways that my parents were too protective of us and I am determined not to bring my DS up the same way.

Bathsheba - that is exactly what I am going to do - find the optimism and a positive perspective in each little trial he comes across. At his 12 months injections I was so proud that my little DS didn't even cry, he was shocked, but he didn't cry, he took it so well and I had a new toy for him as a present for dealing with it so well. Not that I think he really understood that much about it but for his 18 month ones coming up soon I am hoping that he will remember that it can be positive and not that bad. I don't know why I grew up with a fear of needles but I suspect my mothers fear somehow rubbed off on me from a young age.

SaraJane - Thanks for the psychology theory. That does make a lot of sense.

[Bathsheba]

Ticklish: regarding injections: be prepared for them to become a bit more upset by them as they grow older. My 3yo DS wasn't overly phased by them when he was a baby/toddler but now he gets more upset and fearful. This is despite me acting very calm and neutral at each injection event. With age comes wisdom and they get wise to the memory of pain. Still, remain calm as you can... always acknowledge that it will hurt but focus on the brevity of it. I sometimes remind him that "remember last week you fell off your bike and there was blood on your knee? Well this injection won't hurt as much as that". The other benefit of reminding him of another painful event that your child dealt with in the past is that as you tell it (string it our a bit) it will serve as a distraction and stop them tensing up. It works for adults too. Sometimes when I'm feeling a little fragile as I am about to have blood taken I joke with the nurse that "Oh well, this won't hurt as much as the last time I stubbed my toe whilst making the bed I guess". Remind yourself and the child that the pain is really BRIEF unlike the lingering pain of a graze or accident. These work for us anyhow. It's never too late to work on your own resilience too

ETA: forgot to mention that there are some really good books on building your child's resilience... my favourite being the Emotional Intelligence books by Daniel Goleman. Resilience is classified as a form of emotional intelligence.

[ticklish]

Thanks Bathsheba - yep, I acknowledge I need to work on my own resilience. I think being a parent makes you realise a few things about where your own journey has taken you and the effect this might have on your kids. Yep, as he gets older he will be more aware of everything and more aware of pain and needles - I was just so proud that he didn't cry - he was the only one that didn't. But I realise that when he is 4, it is going to more of a challenge. Thanks for sharing. I'll focus of the brevity for his sake and mine! .