Go Away Mummy

[Karen75]

Hi Guys

Just wondering if you have any ideas how I can deal with my 2 and a half year olds temper tantrums that occur when I arrive to pick him up from his grandparents house (or whoever may be looking after him). Basically I arrive and he loses it!! "Go Away Mummy! Go Home! Go back to work!". This can go on for half an hour or longer!! I try to talk to him about it but in the end I have to walk away from him and let him work it out for himself. He stays by me the whole time and wants to be with me (asks me for cuddles and then when I go to give him one he says no) but won't allow me to do anything for him.

This has been going on for a while and is really becoming hard to deal with - not very nice for the ego but also the tantrum is just awful!

Do you have any tactics or methods I could try? I've tried distracting him but he just flips out so quickly that I think I need to arrive with something special for him - obviously I don't want to give him a present every time he is away from me but something to take his mind off the tantrum he wants to throw!!

What do you think? Hope you can help me!!!

[paradise lost]

Is this separation anxiety coming out? Like do you think he might be mad that you went away so he's "punishing" you when you come back (by asking for a hug then telling you he doesn't want one). Have you explained why you work and where you are when you work and when you'll be back etc.? How is he when you drop him off? Also does he have a lot of alternative carers or just his grandparents? He sounds like he's acting out rejecting you, which to me indicates he's feeling rejected for some reason. Did you just begin to go back to work? Transitions can be hard and shaky for everyone involved, and sometimes extra explanation/reassurance is needed to get littlies through.

It can be so hard balancing work and childcare, but i think many kids do better with one other carer than lots, as they can feel more secure that, ok, mummy will go to work, then i will go to spend the time with X, rather than not being sure who it will be that day, kwim?

Most of all remember that you're working for his benefit, and him reacting like this is NOT your fault. It's so painful when they reject you, but if he didn't trust you he wouldn't be able to say it to you, kwim? It feels safe to yell at and reject mummy because he knows even in the middle of a melt-down if he asks for a hug you'll give one. He knows you love him. That's the most important thing.

You could also begin a post-collection routine - it doesn't have to be a treat, it could be a trip to the library, a walk in the park, whatever. But then before you go in the morning you can say "OK honey, remember we'll be going to do X when mummy finishes work, so you think about what you want to do when we're there" and he'll have a focus in his day that's beyond mummy coming back.

I hope something in there might help. Anyway, hang in there, you're doing a great job.

Bec

[Lucy]

This sounds SO like Olivia. (She is now 3.5 and has grown out of it thank goodness!) but the "GO AWAY Mummy" thing happened A LOT from when she was 2 for a year.......)

I have no real solutions. I know it hurt my ego, and I got cranky inside thinking "Well bugger me love, I wish some days I could just leave you to your own devices" LOL (Obviously I never said that to her!)

The times that Olivia did it were on "school days" (childcare), which she loves.

Or on days when DH had looked after her most (ie I had been busy with Charlie or latterly Lexie)

Bec is probably right in thinking it is a toddler defence mechanism for a "punishment".

To avoid full on tantrums on exciting childcare I would get one of the childcare girls to help me get Charlie back out to the car whilst I took Olivia and we would all talk and get excited about what fruit was waiting in the car for her and what CD she could pick for the drive home. It didn't work every time, but it was a good enough distraction most of the time!

Good luck. I feel your frustration.....it is so hard when you love them so much and they appear to be so egotistically ungrateful!

[Karen75]

Thanks Bec and Lucy.

Bec, I'm actually not working at the moment, I've just had our little girl Grace (3 weeks) and am on maternity leave. Harry just thinks that I've gone to work when I'm not with him. He has been doing this for months now so it doesn't seem to be related to grace's arrival. He is only looked after by grandparents - my mum and my dh's mum. He sees them for one one day each during the week and he LOVES it. I have thought it is a punishment for my leaving him but he just loves spending those days with his nanna/granny, though I know he loves his time with me too.

Thank you for replying Lucy, I'm so glad to hear somebody else has gone through the same thing! I'm also glad to hear that Olivia grew out of it - it gives me great hope! When I pick Harry up on the evenings that he has been away from me, we stay and have tea so I will need to think of a distraction that I can organise that involves staying at the g/parents house.... Maybe we could do a quick craft project or I could take a puzzle to do with him. Though the tantrum is so quick I don't know if he would be interested.... hmmmm. He's such a great boy and this really is the only thing I can complain about.

I will keep up with trying the distraction thing, hopefully I'll hit upon a winner one day soon!! I have to pick him up soon!!! HELP!!! I'll keep you posted.

[Lucy]

The other simple explanation is that Mummy = boring routine/a little stricter than grandparents / not as much attention/fun stuff.

Olivia was a half day with my Mum about once a fortnight. She gets one on one attention and a gadzillion exciting treats (like cooking with granny, using textas without Charlie interfering, without Mummy nagging about pack-away etc etc, LOL!)

Often she is not at all keen when I go to collect her for the simple reason that Granny spoils her and I don't LOL!

Good luck!

[Ozziehoffy]

Karen, I remember my oldest (now 14) doing this!! I would take him to daycare (he went to family daycare) and he'd chuck a tanty about going.. then when I went to pick him up he'd chuck one about leaving! He actually chucked one that bad one day he fell backwards and hit his head on the bricks... really gave him something to cry about for real... he was fine, bled like head wounds do, but fine. It's seriously a hard one to deal with cos I found it upsetting and also embarassing like I felt people staring and judging IYKWIM? I like Lucy's idea of the distraction though. I don't know what else to suggest, but keep in mind, you're not the only one

[mgm]

Distractions, bribery, anything that works! The other thing I did a lot with DS (and still do) was talk about the pick-up in advance and get him to agree that there will be no grumping. It's amazing how often it's worked (not always - but often enough to make it worthwhile). DS is 3.25 now and still finds transitions from fun times with grandparents to boring times with mama quite difficult.

I did a three-week teaching round recently and found that when I got home each day I was not welcome - lots of 'go away mama, you're a yucky mama' etc. Even if your son's had a fantastic time with whoever's looking after him, I'd say it's possible there's an element of expressing anger or separation anxiety in the tantrums too.