Had our first big tantrum in public!

[Antheia]

Well yesterday we were doing the grocery shopping. Lily was sitting in the trolly seat sll happy but then started getting fidgetty. So Jacob got her out and she walked around for a bit holding his hand and she was happy again. But then she started whinging and i still have no idea why. But it got louder and louder and then the screaming started. That horrible blood curdleing scream. People were just staring and i felt aweful. We tried everything to calm her down but she just wouldn't even let us touch her. In the end we had to quickly leave. She settled down...until we got to the car. She wouldn't sit in her car seat, had a major tanty. This has happened before and i have no idea why she hates it. sometimes she's fine but others...it's a nightmare. Today, she had another major tantrum while we were having a meeting with a councillor for the air force(just part of Jacob's recruitment process). I just have no idea how to handle this? I dont believe in smacking. I've tried getting down to her level and speaking to her calmly. Tried cuddles, tried ignoring, tried reasoning with her. I don't believe in threats either, so never say 'if you don't stop, this will happen' etc. I don't know what else to do? I knew this would happen sooner or later, but geez, i never thought it'd be this bad. She acts like someone's killing her and it's aweful to watch. What do i do?

[sunbeam koala]

I think you did the right thing by taking her out of the situation straight away. Just drop the shopping and go home. Its a bugger and inconvenient but I think that is a clear sign you aren't going to allow that behaviour.

[Melinda]

Awww Tegan. It's hard isn't it. I totally understand how you must feel (as one who has BTDT!).

To be honest, I avoid places like the supermarket etc as they set Jacob off. Well that's not quite honest - if I know I will only be in there for a matter of a few minutes to grab a couple of things, then that's fine, but I definitely DON'T take him on the major grocery shop each week because that IS asking for trouble. For him, it's boring as and he's been confined to his carseat on the way there, then confined to the trolley, then confined to the carseat again on the way home. So I look at it from his perspective, i.e. it's not very nice to be couped up and have loads of stuff to look at (lots of temptation IYKWIM....supermarkets are full of choccie frogs, fizzy drinks, bright lights, lots of people etc) but not be able to touch and run around to blast off that energy.......

So the end result was avoiding taking him on the major shop, and going it alone. I still do this where I know that there will be situations where he can't have a bit of space to explore/run around - he simply doesn't handle the environment well. Short appointments (I've had to take him places with me before obviously!) are ok, but anything that may require an extended stay in a confined space and no freedom to explore for him is unfortunately not a good situation and I do my best to work around it as much as I possibly can (sometimes it's unavoidable!).

Where I need to take me with him to more 'adult' environments, I try to do it first thing in the morning, or post-nap and ensure that I've got adequate snacks/drinks for him as a bit of a distraction.

Also, I personally don't see "if you don't stop, this will happen" as a threat, it's more about teaching little ones that there are consequences to their actions IYKWIM? It's hard for them when they're exploring and learning new things and as far as they are concerned, the world is all about them. Teaching them about consequences is really important and I think helps with setting a few boundaries IYKWIM? It's all VERY hard work (as you've probably seen by some of my other posts! ) but I do believe it's important for Jacob to appreciate that there are consequences to his actions that can/do involve other people/things apart from himself.....

[nikbrad]

I've think I've tried every approach with Mackenzie and one day one might work and the next day it doesn't. Ive taken to doing my grocery shopping via the internet to eliminate the problem of not wanting to sit in a shopping trolly and having a major tantrum. I limit all other shopping to 1 hour and try and do it in the morning when she is happier. I think a lot of it is an age thing and we just have to ride it out in anyway that works for you both. Sorry, no great advice here.

[Tobily]

Also, I personally don't see "if you don't stop, this will happen" as a threat, it's more about teaching little ones that there are consequences to their actions IYKWIM? It's hard for them when they're exploring and learning new things and as far as they are concerned, the world is all about them. Teaching them about consequences is really important and I think helps with setting a few boundaries IYKWIM? ....

I agree, I don't think it's a threat either, it's important for them to know that if they behave in a certain way, there will be "x" consequence.
It's more a warning - "if you don't stop this behaviour we will get in the car and go home now." And then you follow through if they don't stop. The ball is then in their court and they're responsible for what happens next.

Aah isn't this age fun!!

[Debbie Lee]

Awww Tegan. Can I say I think you did a good job?? I think I would have snapped in that situation.
I'm not much of a help but just wanted to say that I think you are doing a good job

[Antheia]

Thanks Deb. It is so very hard not to snap. But after a while it does get easier. Not lookign forward to two babies doing this though!

[EllyBoo72]

I can see myself heading for alot of tanty chucks from DS, since he started at an early age. I will definately be going shopping on my own when he starts LOL!! I get embarrassed really quickly, but i guess we have to stop worrying about what other people think, and let em have their tantys!!!!
Sorry, not much help am i LOL!
Good luck with them, let us know what helps!

[*Rae*]

Teagn u did do a good job - especially when it's not something u r used to. I really respect parents such as urselves that try to remain calm when dealing with ur child rather than going wild like i sometimes see, publicly belting their children. That behaviour, i must admit, really disturbs me. I'm like u and don't believe in hitting - but i think Melinda made a really valid point about setting clear boundaries and making sure ur child knows that there are consequences

[rurumummy]

Hi,

ohh tegan i know how hard it is when they do that in public you kinda feel helpless.
I personally dont believe in letting my kids have their tantrum,but that is a personl choice that i think my kids should larn to control anger and frustration.My dd tried the tantrum thing on me once when she saw her cousin doing it.but i took her home and gave her the cold shoulder ,when i saw she was trying to make up with me i sat her down and explained to her that is not how we behave when we are bored,angry or dont get the lolly or toy we want,i then told her that if she did it again she will no longer be coming with mummy to the shops.Well she hasnt ever done it again,she does have the odd sook when she wants somethingand i tell her no.But she realises the more she cries the less i buy her stuff,so she has started taking the can i pleeeese have that mum and a smile.lol.befre she would see it and point to it and cry.But i guess everyone has a diffirent way of dealing with it.I also try as much as i can not to take her to places were she will get really bored and tired.I must say though i took her to my antenatal clinic app last week and had to be their for 5 hours!!!! and she was a very good girl she just spent her time looking at everyone and then drawing on some paper.pretty good for a 3yr old i must say!!!!
anyway good luck i hope u can get it under control before bubs arrives.
we all hope they grow out of it,but to be honest i have seen a son of a freind of mine who is 8yrs old having a full tantrum!!!! not a pretty sight i must say.

[rurumummy]

I just wanna add that i dont judge those mothers who do let their children have a tantrum,and if i see it happen in public i give the mum a sympathetic smile.because it is really hard and even if you dont care what people think ,you cant help feel embarressed.

[johT]

well im one of the ones that let my child safely finish their tantrum in a public place I just ignore the strangers. too bad if they dont like it.most smile sympathetically.
going homes not always an option....and most of the time im sure thats what they would like anyhow!
i just wait until they have finished then see what unmet need i can cater to