:yeahthat::
That is what I was getting at earlier in my bumbling, inarticulate fashion :)
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:yeahthat::
That is what I was getting at earlier in my bumbling, inarticulate fashion :)
:clap: This was all I was trying to say.:
FWIW and to maybe shed a bit of light from the 'other side' of those who have used CC and would use it again (I would even recommend it to others if they asked for my opinion and I thought it an appropriate option. You don't have to agree, but just realise that whatever you think of my employment of CC - I am very well researched on the topic and that there are MANY different methods and variations of CC out there.
- I have had 3 very different children / babies. I have used CC and I have used comforting methods - with all three at various stages. I have not been IMO a neglectful mother.
It is painful to hear your baby scream themselves to sleep - With my DD it took anywhere between 5mins up to an hour for her to fall asleep. I know there are members here that will read this and be appalled. IT was a hard thing to do.
What is even more painful is holding her for hours upon hours on end while she continuously screamed and refused to sleep. She would NOT sleep if another person was near her. She needed sleep. Not just because she was overtired and generally miserable, not just because I needed a break and was at the edge of my rope (although those were both true) but because the lack of sleep was actually making her phyisically ill.
When she got into a routine with CC (it took less then a week) She no longer cried for more then 1min before going to sleep. I suddenly had a well rested and HAPPY baby - something I had not experienced before. She was miserable before. Before long there was no crying. She has been a great sleeper ever since, and she has been a very happy little girl.
My DS1 has never been a good sleeper, but he would easily settle if cuddled - we co-slept more often then not. Still do sometimes, he is nearly 3. Breifly tried CC with him when I was heavily pg and comforting him repeatedly throughout the night was near impossible (I won't even attempt to describe my mental state at the time) - CC really didn't suit him, so we gave up nearly as soon as we started.
DS2 - I would have happily have co-slept and comforted to sleep - in fact we did for the first 6+ mths. But as he got older, he didn't like that idea anymore, and would keep everyone awake. Babies need sleep. I tried CC again. Worked like magic. In fact it almost wasn't like CC - he just knew what was going on and that being put in his cot meant sleep time. It felt natural to do things this way with him. Occaisionly he might be unsettled or cry a little - but it was definitely in a "my mum is not letting me stay up and play" way, not a "my mum is neglecting me" way. He is the happiest baby I have ever met - seriously. And if the only time he cried was for 2 mins when being put to bed at night (out of the whole 24hr period - he didn't even cry when hungry or needing a new nappy) well, I hardly think you can claim that is neglect.
I wholeheartedly agree that people should follow their instincts when parenting. I just think some of you here are making a mistake in thinking that parents AREN'T following their instincts when they employ techniques or methods different to what you feel is the natural corse of action or that you are uncomfortable with. They aren't 'wrong' they aren't 'neglectful' (I think neglectful parents put a lot less thought and energy into their parenting) - they just don't agree with you or your opinions.
CC - does not nessecarily mean not comforting your children. I know my children, I know when they are in need of comfort and when something is out of the ordinary. When they are sick or truely upset they will be comforted, they know mum is never far away.
Just a different point of veiw for you to consider, before declaring that those who practise CC are abusing or neglecting their kids. Then again, maybe you still think this is the case, but I doubt very much that my children or anyone who knows me and my family would agree with that.
Edited to say - I don't want to convert anyone here. I think if you don't have to use it, or don't want to "more power to you!" That is fab. I don't think it should be used by everyone, ideally no-one would need to use it. I certainly think a couple of weeks old is too young. Just trying to show that what may seem blackk and white often isn't so simple.
agreed, i only have one, second on the way, im sure i will review my parenting techniques once i have two (which will be soon). i dont think i really appreciate how different two children can be and you do what ever works for you (within reason):
Some of the people posting only have 1 child, so haven't yet had the experience of different children with different needs. It's pretty easy to comment that your way is the right way when you have only had to do it with one child kwim?
i guess i forget that it isnt a main stream style of parenting, but i do think that people get caught up in following the croud just becasue thats what all thier friends are doing, and dont even consider that there may be a different or better way for thier child, one size doesnt fit all and that goes for any parenting style.:
(natural/gentle/attachment) is still a relatively 'new' concept and it is silly to expect that everyone is going to 'see the light' straight away
i think i do get quite passionate about the way i have chosen to parent as i think its the best and right way....which is why im doing it :) but i have to remember that the next person could be just a passionate about thier way. the thing that frustrates me is when ( like i said before) people arent passionate and just follow the crowd!:
It is a wodnerful thing to be passionate about parenting
But not such a wonderful thing to feel superior to those who don't subscribe to your philosophies.
We can't control how we feel but we can control our actions.
i think this can get so lost sometimes, i have had some wierd looks from people when ive said, when asked about being a parent... 'i just listen to and respect my childs needs and wants, from birth' i dont know why people find it strange to think you would respect a babys needs/wants, if you would respect a friends or family members needs/wants why not your babies.:
So long as parents do what they do because they love and respect their children,
great point and way of putting it, sometimes it is more important to put your self first, for the benifit of everyone!:
I am just saying it's not as simple as children first, parents second. Just like putting your own oxygen on in the aeroplane safety video, there are times when putting your Childs needs ahead of your own simply means noones needs are met.
couldnt have put it better myself, and thats where i began, becasue it made me uncomfortable, and i didnt know why, its been great to read others views and thoughts!:
Because that feeling of uncomfortableness allows me to search within me, and find what it is that makes me feel uncomfortable, why it does that and to learn from it. It is a good opportunity to grow and learn as a person - which is why I do enjoy reading different points of view
I just wanted to add, i totally understand people using CIO/CC with older children and i know it works as i have know friends to use it and work for them....also some who it didnt work for.
The thing that got me in the begining was the need to get a baby....new born....under two weeks old... in to a sleep routine and using methods such as CIO/CC and substitue feeding-with baby rice in the formula, etc (for an under two week old). to me this is insanity.
Bec, I was thinking about that particular comment I made earlier and I worried that I may have gotten people offside with it. All I meant was that it was an observation I made of people posting in the thread, and not a personal comment at all. It's kinda the same as that Jacinta Tynan article that was discussed on here when she said being a Mother was the easiest job in the world etc and she only had one 9 month old bub. I was exactly the same when I had my first bub too because he was so cruisy and then I had my second and while it wasn't a rude awakening, it certainly did take me by surprise at first.
'peacful parenting' etc isn't NEW its just now different parenting styles are put into catagoryies and have facebook pages to join! ;)
Trillian, no offence taken, its a valid point, DD wasnt really that easy under 1 yr old but i had 100% of my time to deal with it, with number two on the way im constantly wondering what im going to do when #2 is up crying all night or BFing all day and DD1 needs attentions too.
DM, thats funny, and so true about alot of things... :)
This is so true - a wee while ago I read Dr Sears' book on Nighttime parenting from the early 80's!!!:
I think peaceful parenting/attacment parenting is bringing things back to basics, kind of like the way things were done before a lot of inventions etc. So its always been around, just now they have 'named' it;)
Same as other forms of parenting just 'named' now;)
Yeah, totally agree!
i agree, what did people do before all these books were writen and 'profesionals' formed theories and methods to raise childen. :):
Agreed that different parenting styles have always been out there, but when I say 'new', I mean it in the sense that our generations (from X onwards) are only just being exposed to it and become more aware of it as being a very valid alternative. It is slowly becoming more mainstream, but one thing we need to remember is that even as late as the early 80's women were still being told to only feed your baby at set times and routines were needed and it was acceptable to put a few teaspoons of farex in the bottle etc. That is why it is still seen as being a bit of a hippy to do all these things, because for a while there they fell out of the mainstream and it was only a fringe group of people that did it. It is all cyclic though - each era evolves and changes what they think is 'best' and those with the loudest voices are usually more successful at changing the mindset kwim?
i just think its so easy to get lost in the new modern way of living and parenting that mothers feel pressured to produce the child that is perfect and do what is the "in" thing to do even if we think it might be wrong we attempt it to be comforted in knowing "at least we tried"..
as a mum of 3 and a 4th on the way at 26 yrs of age i find it all still hard and challenging and the baby stages were the hardest stages but it still gets harder.. at 16 yr of age with my first i could of screamed and chucked tantrums my ds never shut up screamed constantly!!! so even if i had attempted cc i really dont think it would of worked..
I think that being a mum a wife a partner etc is a hard enough job without all these new invented ways of parenting if it feels right then i say do what ur gut tells u.. no one book should ever be a bible to parenting as many authors have never had a child only the pretend ones they experiment with at uni while they do their degree... i dont believe in cc/cio technics never have and dont think i will but if u do it and are happy too do it then "go hard".. but i think if someone does do it there will always be ppls judgements and opinions and if its really what u think is the right thing to do then other ppl's thoughts and opinons shouldnt affect them.. at the end of the day they choose that style and like many of us they will cop the critisims that go with it..
Misty, I think you make some great points.
And I agree also that parenting by books or some preconceived notions or ideology also makes little sense to me.
I don't see the harm in sharing information - I like to read those books and listen to what others have to say. I may not always agree or follow the advice though, and I expect the same goes for any advice that I give.
I don't assume that because someone does things differently to me that they're ignorant or whatever, BUT, I do think a lot of parents are quite vulnerable and feel pressure to conform to certain ideals and preconceptions, and ensure their babies also tow the line, as it were. That's where a different perspective can be helpful - or it certainly was for me anyway.
There is, for example, a lot of emphasis on sleeping and settling and the received wisdom is quite clear on this - there's somethign wrong with you and/or your baby if they're not doing it a certain way by a certain age. That's an incredible amount of pressure on a new parent when their child does not conform. There is a general maintstream belief about this and it permeates even our social interactions when we have a baby - how many times have you been asked "Is he sleeping through yet?" "Do you have a routine yet?", or my personal 'favourite' "Is he a good baby?" Or maybe you've heard "Well, you'll have to let him cry some time."
Now, what parent struggling with a baby that does not settle unless in arms or at the breast - which we're told is a big no no - or who wakes constantly through the night - bad baby! - will not infer from such questions that there is something seriously wrong with teh way they are parenting?
I think it's good to have lots of information. No judgment, just care and support and a little reassurance that it's ok - well, I would say it's best - to just find your own way. Admonishments about creating a rod for your back, declarations about how babies should be sleeping, and criticism for doing pretty natural, parenting things like cuddling or feeding to sleep are not terribly helpful for the new parent trying to figure out their own way.
So this is where I'm coming from - to try and counter this sort of hegemony. Not to push an agenda or whatever, just to offer an alternative and even just reassurance that it's ok to do someting different if that's what works better for you and your baby. Does that make sense?
There is a beautiful quote in Pinky McKay's book Sleeping Like a Baby - Chapter 2.
"I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I come from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they have read the instructions written by a strange man" - Jean Leidloff, The Continuum Concept.
Awesome quote.
Trouble is, some parents can be at peace with breaking their child's arm. I'm not. Should I just say "hey, cool, you're at peace with it"?
Forr me, I dislike CC. But then I dislike girls head-to-toe in pink. And I dislike Phil & Ted prams. Doesn't mean it is always wrrong.
However, leaving a child to CIO for hours and leaving them soaked in their own vomit...neglect. A one-off can be a mistake, doing it for a long time or with a very young child... I would ask why the parent wanted to do that. Because I don't agree with neglect or abuse. (And FWIW, my mother believed that co-sleeping was a form of abuse and did tell me that. I disagree. You are welcome to disagree with me, but it may not change my mind.)