Having trouble accepting other peoples style of parenting...

[PollyA]

I think the point Misty was trying to make was that we don't have to understand why people do certain things, but we do have to respect it. It is a very fine line indeed when talking about this sort of thing because there is no right or wrong, just different. I do what I do and you do what you do.

I think there is a certain element of smugness that accompanies these types of threads but we just have to accept that not everyone does things the same way as we do and of course that is going to make it seem like it is wrong just because we don't do it. I do things differently to a lot of people on here, but does that make me wrong to do it? Some of the people posting only have 1 child, so haven't yet had the experience of different children with different needs. It's pretty easy to comment that your way is the right way when you have only had to do it with one child kwim? I've got 4 kids, all with different personalities and different needs. I had one that self settled and slept through the night from an early age. I had one child that needed to be rocked to sleep. I had one that loathed being held to go to sleep, but would still cry in her cot for at least half an hour and then I had one that I had to co sleep with because of reflux. ALL of them challenged the way we parent them and often we had to use a wide variety of methods to make sure we were doing the right thing FOR THEM (however we never used CIO).

This is a really important point
All of our babeis are unique with their own needs as are we
Their needs will change as will ours

Heda- you say you get annoyed with a parent first approach but there may come a time when you really need to put your needs first for the health of your family and that is a very appropriate thing to do. Everyone in the family has needs, including mums and dads. I have been pregnant or a parent for over 3 years and hardley EVER prioritised my needs...where did it land me...in a big mess, in hospital 36 hours AFTER my appendix burst (didn't want to wake my kids as I lay shaking on the couch) Needless to say I am rethinking my approach. My babies need a mother, a healthy one would be even better/

It is normal to want to defend your decisions but if that involves declaring others deicsions "wrong" the approach may need rethinking.

I remember some of my theories on parenting befpre I had kids and I cringe. I had no concept of how complex and diffficult this parenting gig is. And I am glad I never voiced some of my judgements I made about others parenting, otherwise I would have egg on my face big time.

It is a wodnerful thing to be passionate about parenting
But not such a wonderful thing to feel superior to those who don't subscribe to your philosophies.
We can't control how we feel but we can control our actions.

[onthefly]

My mum always says: I was the perfect parent. Then I had children.

[PollyA]

my mum always says: I was the perfect parent. Then i had children.

love it!

[Trillian]

I just want to add to that our babies don't read the parenting books and they don't *know* how they are being parented. Does anyone remember that show that was on the ABC about the 3 different parenting methods? There was attachment parenting/continuum concept, the Dr Spock method and then the Truby King method. It was a fascinating program to watch and it was really hard to sit through watching the parents doing the Truby King method and how they left their babies to CIO but that is the reality for some families, that is what they choose to do. I'm sure that for everyone of use who felt sad for those kids there would have been others who were watching the Continuum parents, and to a lesser extent the Spockian parents and thinking how wrong it was to do those things. We can't hold it against people because they are not as well read as we are and may not know that some of the things they are doing may not be the best thing for their kids.

[onthefly]

Trill, I thought all three were weird because they were actually trying to use a book or ideology to parent a child.

Anyway, I don't judge other parents, but I do feel that many do things because they think they have to and will even follow advice that conflicts with their instincts for this reason. So I like to say it's ok, you have other options and if it feels wrong, maybe it is...
I don't have experience beyond one child yet, but I doubt very much that I'll parent all my kids exactly the same way. How would that work?

[PollyA]

We can't hold it against people because they are not as well read as we are and may not know that some of the things they are doing may not be the best thing for their kids.

I am another who respects your opinions greatly Trillian whether I agree with them all or not but I have to take issue with this...with all due respect...
They may be well read Trillian
They may be reading different books!

[Trillian]

I am another who respects your opinions greatly Trillian whether I agree with them all or not but I have to take issue with this...with all due respect...
They may be well read Trillian
They may be reading different books!

Good point! For all the Pinky's and Robyn's out there, there are just as many Tizzie's and Gina's.

ETA - Marcellus, it can't work. Take for example people who question why their baby doesn't like a sling, but they really really want to wear their baby because that *fits* with their philosophy, but wont consider the option of not using one because it's not what they want to do, even though their baby might hate the idea of being held all the time. Or even with my own kids and dealing with behaviour, my eldest DD needs to have me on her back a lot more than the other kids. To those looking in from the outside, they might think that I am singling her out and treating her differently, and at a very basic level that might be true, but it is what I need to do with her.

[PollyA]

Trill, I thought all three were weird because they were actually trying to use a book or ideology to parent a child.

Anyway, I don't judge other parents, but I do feel that many do things because they think they have to and will even follow advice that conflicts with their instincts for this reason. So I like to say it's ok, you have other options and if it feels wrong, maybe it is...
I don't have experience beyond one child yet, but I doubt very much that I'll parent all my kids exactly the same way. How would that work?

The thing I've learnt being a mum of two is that I couldn't have parented my first the same as I do my second because the environment is SO different. There is this other walking, talking, needing being
She is his favourite toy...He loves her, even when she pulls his arms, pushes his head, slobbers on him, squeals loudly in his ear...ESPECIALLY when she squeals. ANy of these things would have seen her very upset at the same age as she was used to having two gentle quiet adults cherish her and every little movement of her face

Their personalities are also SO different.
I used to hear the expression "every baby is different" and think yeah, yeah I know....then I discovered every baby is so different...felt like a revelation

I truly believe the best people to teach us about parenting are our kids
WIth DD at about 7 months after 2 weeks of spening 45mins-1hour every night bouncing her to sleep in her hammock we left her for 2 mins crying...then she went to sleep! AMAZING Next time 1 minute of crying...within a week sleeping beautifully. Our own CC I guess
At 9 months she started waking at every movement we made and my plans to have her in our room til one and beyond were changed...by her. I hated having her in her own room...SHe loved it!


I would love to rock DS to sleep every night (espeically on the days I have worked) but he won't fall asleep in anyones arms, he prefers to self settle, so I reluctantly put him down at bedtime.

I could go on, but I am startig to ramble... sorry

[YoYo]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread....but I just want to say I love you PollyA

[PollyA]

I haven't read all the posts in this thread....but I just want to say I love you PollyA

I love you too Yules

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

There are a lot of "mad parents" out there. Including me. But guess what - when a parent does what works for the child out of love for the child, respect to them. I didn't plan on doing half the stuff I do with Liebs - but it works for him. He whinged in my arms, but screamed blue murder if I put him down and walked away for five minutes. Sure, he cried for a bit - but that's better than me going insane some nights! I do look after my needs as well as his - but I DO prioritise his needs. If I need to go to the doctors, I go. Sometimes with Liebs in tow. He has had to look after me some days. Not what I planned - but it doesn't harm him and does help me. I don't mind helping myself if it doesn't harm my son.

As for the "not interfering with other people" philosophy... I fast forward 20 years. Will my son tell me he wishes someone had interfered? Maybe. I know I wish someone had told my mother not to do CIO with me. I wish someone had told her big age gaps were great! Guess what - unless I have a greater need (rare), my son does not cry without someone to love him. He isn't going to whinge about a sibling being too close to his age! He may disagree with what I do - and does - so we talk about it. I wish my mother had responded to my needs like that. I don't always change, but I do explain my reasoning when I don't, Sometimes it can be something I never thought about that bothers him - I can change. Parenting isn't set in stone.

So long as parents do what they do because they love and respect their children, they can do whatever. Different parenting for different children is fine. It is usually what is best. I fail to see how neglecting a baby's needs is loving or respecting that child though.

[PollyA]

LZ I agree with everything you said. I'm not sure what you mean by neglecting a Childs needs at the end. I don't think anyone is suggesting that is a good idea... I am certainly not. I also prioritise my kids- passionately. I am just saying it's not as simple as children first, parents second. Just like putting your own oxygen on in the aeroplane safety video, there are times when putting your Childs needs ahead of your own simply means noones needs are met.
People who do things differently are not necessarily neglecting their children, in fact I believe for the most part most parents are doing what they think is best for their children, with the very sad exceptions that keep child protection busy.
I wonder would your mum have listened if she was told controlled crying was wrong?

[Loveinamist]

LZ I wish someone had told my mum not to control cry my brother and me as well. I wish my dad had supported her in breastfeeding as well. I am guessing though that it was due to the lack of support from my dad that she used controlled crying. It was pretty much the only way women in those days got through the day. it was pretty common to leave the baby in a pram at the end of the garden. My aunt visited me when i was pregnant and told me that i 'had a lovely garden to leave the baby in his pram to get some fresh air'

[bon]

If I felt strongly about it, I would say something. Very gently, of course, and being mindful that we can all be a little sensitive when it comes to our parenting and especially touchy if we feel someone is questioning our methods. But I wouldn't block a friend over it, and I certainly wouldn't infer that anyone who does things differently to me needs to be better educated. I have given my opinion to mum friends in the past and often find that sometimes, as a previous poster said, a mum just wants validation that it is ok to pick up her baby when he/she cries and it is ok to feed on demand and not to a schedule (even if you are bottle feeding). Basically that is is ok to listen to your heart and follow your instincts, and if it just feels wrong then don't do it.

I read a post by Mia Freedman once that sort of rings true here - she was talking about a different topic, and about how she often gets emails from people asking why doesn't she post about this topic or that topic, and why doesn't she feel more strongly about X, Y or Z. She basically said that it just comes down to the fact that people feel strongly about different things, and that is just how it is. When it comes to parenting, some of us feel strongly about things like baby wearing or co-sleeping, and some of us do not. Some of us feel strongly about home birth and some of us do not. And some feel strongly that CC is wrong, and some do not (or are just undecided). Some of us have several children and have discovered that there is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting, as Trillian said. It's just how it is, and it doesn't mean that one person is more right than the other.

[MummaSue]

I've been thinking about this further and I don't honestly think that addressing this with people is ok. I know how P'd off I get when people tell me to try CC with my little one. It's the same thing only in reverse.
People parent differently and unless they are doing something neglectful or wrong then it's no-one's place to comment.

Just my thoughts.

[Kazmar]

When does something become neglect? Havent we all got a different view on that too??? To me you dont have to bash or molest a child to abuse them kwim? Neglect comes in different forms and I think we're all so hung up on 'judging' ppl that alot of neglect is getting acceptable....

[MummaSue]

When does something become neglect? Havent we all got a different view on that too??? To me you dont have to bash or molest a child to abuse them kwim? Neglect comes in different forms and I think we're all so hung up on 'judging' ppl that alot of neglect is getting acceptable....

Very very true Dedicated Mummy.

[onthefly]

Ooooo, it's a big grey area and real danger zone, but certainly open to interpretation. It'll swing both ways though, if you want to go down that road.

Sue, I get what you're saying. But I think it's fine to offer advice if it's been asked for, even if you don't think it'll necessarily be welcome. Nobody has to take advice. I guess another grey area is where people take whinging as an invitation to give advice when you may have only been looking to vent.