What age do you think its appropriate to explain death? and how have you done so? ie, what words do you use?
Our beloved fish has passed on and our toddler keeps going to the tank and asking where he is. I'm not sure what to say, whether i should make something up? (ie, he went back to the ocean) or whether i should try to explain what happened. (he actually died of old age).
since it is old age I think it is easier, Maybe you could say that they cannot live forever and he loved living in your family but now was his time to go to fishy heaven.?? Im not really sure sorry
I've always been totally honest with my kids about death, even from an early age. My eldest was nearly 2 when my Nan died and I told him that she'd died because she was very sick with cancer and the Dr's couldn't make her better. He attended the funeral and even placed a flower on the casket. It gave him no illusions about death and that it wasn't something to be scared of either. I've done that with my girls too when the question has come up.
It's never really advisable to use euphemisms such as 'gone to sleep' or 'gone away' etc because I do know kids who were told that and became absolutely terrified of going to sleep and with one friend's child they got very anxious when a family member went anywhere.
Just tell him what happened. If you're religious, you can say he went to God or heaven etc.
A great book you should try to get a hold of is "Questions Children Ask" by Dr Miriam Stoppard. It has just about every conceiveable situation/question and suggested age-appropriate answers.
Yep I agree with the others. I would be honest about it and say he died of old age and maybe explain that we don't live forever. My youngest sister who is 3 is very open about death. Earlier in the year our uncle died of cancer and my Mum explained to her what happened, that he was very sick and it was his time to go to heaven (we are religious). Whenever the topic of death came up, she would say "'so and so' died, like Uncle Alec".
I remember a while ago, a model committed suicide by jumping off a building and I was talking about it and my sister questioned me - now that was a tricky one to explain. I told her the girl fell off the building and died, not sure what else I should have said! Anyway, one of our cats, Angel, ran away/disappeared ages ago and every now and then Lexie (my sister) will say "maybe Angel died", "maybe Angel fell off a building", or "maybe Angel got hit by a car". People must wonder what we let her watch on TV!! She is very matter-of-fact I can tell you But other times she will say "maybe Angel has gone to find her friends" - now that's a bit nicer!
I think being open about it is the best policy. Saying that something/someone has died and why they have died and saying that it means that they won't be here anymore is actually really easy for a child to accept.
Experts generally say that kids have no fathoming of the finality of death until they are about 8 or 9 at the very earliest.
I think that going on a little expedition to pick a new fish would solve the immediate problem if you feel that he is too young for the full discussion.
I agree with the other ladies here - the fish is dead, don't say anything else.
I'm open with my DS; I'm aware that no-one he knows is likely to drop dead soon and so I'll point out hearses in the street (along with tractors, diggers, busses, lorries, cars... all the usual!) and say that someone has died now and that means they're not on this earth any more, but we'll probably meet them again in the next life.
Death doesn't hurt, it isn't scary, it is just the end of life in this world - we have the next one to look forward to and that will be better because it will be with God.
As for experts (just my own bone to gnaw now...) - my granddad died when I was about 6 and I remember that clearly, remember being told, knowing what it meant. He'd been very ill with leukaemia for the last few months and we'd known he wasn't going to make it, so we had loads of time to have this explained to us. So some children may not get death until 8-9, others will understand earlier. Don't rely on experts whom have never met you tell you about your child's understanding.
Unfortunately I had to tackle this subject multiple times and from a very early age with my DS.
When he was 2, I had to explain why my friend wasn't pregnant anymore and why he couldn't cuddle the new baby.
I had to repeat this exact same scenario 6 months later with another friend.
Then, my best friend passed and I had to explain to him how, why and what happened to her after.
He was 3.
So, now, he understands that Death is a part of life, and unfortunately it happens.
I did have to reassure him though that I wasn't going to die straight away and that I hoped to be old and wrinkly and grumpy before I passed!
Just as a point of interest - DS now adores telling everyone what a special name his new baby sister has (her 1st middle name is the name of my Best Friend who passed in 2001)
I hope you have found an answer that will work for your family Mumma!
Be honest with your DS. he may not quite understand it but it will help him when he has to deal with more death as he grown up ie. when a family member dies or if he sees something ont he news or hears something from one of his friends, pets, etc.
Depending on your religious views you could talk to him about heaven or I know some parents who like to tell their children that they can talk to someone who has died or a pet who has died by looking at a star at night. Maybe you two could pick the star together as to which one you think your little gold fish is.
There is a beautiful book called Beginnings and endings with Lifetimes in between by Brian Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. google it and see if you can find it. If you have any problems locating it, just PM me. HTH
yes I think that honesty is the best policy obviously within reason of course
kids these days talk alot and i think its better they hear it from us than in the playground because they might get confused. I also believe if we are honest with them early on they will be more eager to ask questions and come to us in the future making for a more open and enjoyable relationship. All the best
i have been thinking about this lately not because any one we know has died but because my dad is a news freak so has to have long discussions about who got killed recently, often in front of makon and im not sure how to explain that side of death.....( we dont watch tv so he doesnt see the news )
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Explaining death
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But other times she will say "maybe Angel has gone to find her friends" - now that's a bit nicer!
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