How to support insecurity while fostering independance?

[Matryoshka]

Without going in to too many details, I have had to be away from my boys the past week or so. They have still seen me every couple of days though. Funny enough i thought my 3 year old would be the one to struggle with the separation as he has always been the clingy one. My 1 year old on the other hand has always been independant and confident. Yet throughout this separation, my 3 year old turned out to be totally fine, but my 1 year old has not. Since my return he has become very clingy, i can't walk anywhere without him running after me whinging. I get that he suspects i'll leave again, so hence the following me everywhere, and i'm trying to support him in his need for reassurance. However its to the point where as soon as i put him down he cries, he follows me everywhere.... what bothers me is that this is new for him. My first born = always a clingy baby/toddler, my second born used to play independently etc.... will he start to do so again do you think?

Essentially how can i reassure him that i'll be around yet help him to be independent?

[Lulu]

I think just keep doing what you are doing. If you have a routine, stick to it - maybe ask if he wants to come out to hang the washing out (or whatever reason you have to leave the room) so he feels like he has a little bit of power over the way he is feeling.

I am absolutely sure he will recover, I think time is the key here. Continue the great job you are already doing

P.S - If you have any Rescue Remedy around, he would probably benefit from a few doses xoxoxo

[rufalina]

Not quite the same, but I am interested in your replies... My DS has gotten VERY clingy after being so sick for a fortnight. I think he got used to the attention and cuddles and change in routine, I am having trouble coming back to normal with him...

One think I can think is your 3yr old has more maturity and understands his emotions a little better, and sees that mummy was just away, and coming home, where DS2 is struggling to come to terms with that concept. And I think all you can do is what you are, continue to reassure and work toward getting that independence back. Well that is what I am trying to do...

Good luck babe.

[littlelara]

Funny, Jordy has always been this way and at 19 months is only just coming out of it now. He was practically my tail, follow me everywhere, initially cry if I had to cook dinner (I'd put the high chair up high so he could see and seat him near me) and later would sit at my feet peacefully rather than be in the other room.
I kind of got used to it and would just say "come on" and wait for him at the door if I was moving rooms.
Now he still likes to know where I am, but is less likely to run the hallway and howl Hysterically if he can't see me.
My advice is just to accept that this is what he needs for now and it will pass.
Don't tell anyone, but I kind of miss it a teensy bit sometimes

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS was like this. I couldn't leave a room without hysterics. Couldn't shower alone, go to the loo, even cook dinner without DS in my arms (DH was a fat lot of good at this point).

It's worth looking at it from the "what he's thinking?" viewpoint.

DS was thinking: I don't like it when Mammy leaves. She is my rock, my anchor, my world. I can cope for three minutes if Night Garden is distracting me so I don't know, but no-one else is good enough. But I need her.

Now DS thinks: Mammy isn't here. She is still my world. But I know she will always love me and be there for me, I see her every day and right now she's not here but my mate Charlie Brown is so I can play with him until she returns.

In the middle of the night, when he's inconsolable, I can calm him by singing "I promise I will never leave you And we will always be Forever you and me You'll always be a part of me" (Lullaby (Goodnight my angel) by Billy Joel). He needs to know I'm there for him, even when I'm not.

It sounds like your DS2 knows this. He is independant and happy to not have you there for short times. But a week/five days is a long time to not see your world. He will recover once he realises that you are there and always will be.

Yes, it's hard for a baby when the mother needs to be away for a long time (as you did). But he will recover well, in time, so long as you let him know you always love him, no matter how clingy he is. Which is hard. But I know you can do it and you will do it: even when you snap (you may not but I do!), you can still apologise and let your DS2 know you still love him and will always be there.

[Butterfly Dawn]

We have just been through this. I was in hospital for 2 weeks with pnumonia (sp) DS1 was ok but DS2 was a velcro baby when I got home. Its partly a time thing and building up their trust again (we think) that your not going to abandon them again. (DS2 is 17mths) I just picked up the routine I had before and didnt force him to go to anybody for anything he didnt want to. Its been 3 weeks now and hes pretty much fine, most of the time, I think LOL We have made efforts to be with other people and put him down to play ( he wouldnt go down at first) but now hes ok, he just checks all the time where I am. (we live in apartments and every night the kids play downstairs in front of the building with our neighbours) If you dont have that amount of hours of interaction everyday it will take longer I would imagine. It is a time thing maily. You guys will get there again. Until then- big hugs! its hard having a velcro baby