Need help in dealing with loss

[Ara's Mum]

I have lost some gentle friends.
Well they are not lost but they have decided not to follow the gentle path anymore.
In doing so they have not only become more distant to their baby but us as well. What is really hard for me is they were more into AP ideas before their baby was born than we were...but it all fell over.
I miss them terribly and have tried to talk but only end up putting my foot in my mouth.
These friends are really special to me but am I putting too much into it and should I move on and look for some other friends that I can be closer with.
I'm just so happy with the way AP has worked so well for us and feel that even though my friends are not AP I still want to talk to them and be with them. I've enough hugs for two....or is that bad as well?

[paradise lost]

Can you be friends and be at peace with how they parent and not seek to change them or allow them to try to change you? If so then i think you SHOULD continue to be friends. Company is company afterall and no matter the road we walk, the landscape for all parents of littlies is familiar isn't it? You may not agree with one another all the time, but who does?!

I have friends who are very AP - far more so than me. And i have friends who are in no way AParents. It's more about being open to others ideals than anything else. I am positive some of the more AP friends i had are now not seeing me because of some of the decisions i've made. That's their choice, if they find it so painful to be around me it's not worth it after all. And i admit sometimes it's a strain for me to be around other less AP than me parents as i sometimes feel sorry for their kids, but i keep my opinions to myself unless advice is sought and if it's getting too much i skip seeing them for a bit until i feel more able to be relaxed around them again.

I think i have changed as a parent in the last 15 months. When DD was new i would NEVER have let her cry in her cot, even for a minute. But now she is 17months nearly and i know she has a far better awareness of what's happening around her. Simple concepts can be explained. And so last week, when she had an attack of sleep-time separation anxiety for a few days, i DID leave her to cry for a moment or 2. She wanted me to sit with her because she was scared if i went away i'd never come back. So i went away for a short time and then i DID come back, proving to her that it was ok, i was still here, and not being able to see me doesn't mean i've left the house forever. It took 2 naps and 2 night-times to "get" this (with me going in every 60-120 seconds until she was fast asleep), and she is now once again going to bed happily. Now, i would still NEVER leave my little tiny baby to cry, but i now know that under certain circumstances i would leave my toddler for a moment or 2 to do so. Could it be that your friends are not so much abandoning AP but rather changing their methods to suit their child's stage of development? Every child developes at his or her own rate afterall.

I think many people change their parenting ideals once they have a child. There are certainly things i thought i would "always" or "never" do when i was PG but the reality isn't the same as the concept. For instance i was going to BF for at least a year and anticipated nothing which would alter this plan. Well i didn't anticipate thyroid crisis, the break-up of my relationship, single-parenthood or a diminishing milk supply due to stress and metabolic issues. But i got them just the same and the result was that we made it to 7 months and then DD was FFed. At least one of my AP friends still thinks i "gave in" and "put myself first" and feels gutwrenching pain (even now) when she sees my DD with cow's milk in a cup. So i don't see her so much. That's ok - eventually both our families will be ast the BF/FF stage and she won't feel that pain any more. Meantime we have an email every now and then, and don't discuss parenting too much. I guess thinking an idea is good isn't the same as feeling something is right for your family - in times of immense strain it's hard to follow anything but one's heart.

I would say that the "hugs for 2" thing is lovely, if you mean you have enough affection for your friends that them being worried about being friends still is ok and you can bring enough love and empathy to the table to make it through the early you-say-potayto-i-say-potahto stages. Is that what you mean?

Bec

[ZigZag]

Company is company afterall and no matter the road we walk, the landscape for all parents of littlies is familiar isn't it?Bec

I love that - so well put.

Another way of looking at it is; would you give up a friendship if they had a different religion or beliefs of your own? I don't think you should distance yourself. What you believe is best works for you, and vice versa. It would be a pity to put a value on a friendship entirely on their parenting technique when they would have so much more to offer as a friend.

I hope you feel you can re-gain in other areas what you feel you've lost.

[Lucy]

M,

I just want to give you an example. I am very close friends with 5 other mums. We meet weekly, sometimes more. 5 mummies and a grand total of 15 children/babies!

As you can only imagine, with 15 children, there is a HUGE variety of personalities & characteristics. And as the ages range between 5 and newborn, the children show us a wide variety of different behaviours and approaches!

Those children are growing up together and they love each other regardless!

I guess my friends and I chose to be with each other becasue we love each other regardless of parenting style.

At one end of the extreme we have a very very very gentle Mummy, and at the other we have a Mummy who is more routine driven. And everything in between. I can't say I agree or would adopt some of the other parenting practices, as I am sure they would reject some of mine. HOWEVER, we all have the confidence in our own choices and the grace to respect each others without question.

I guess we have all learned to rub along beautifully with each other, as that is exactly what the children all do!

So, I agree with Bec....can you not attempt to still maintain these friendships regardless of parenting style?

Good luck!

[Ara's Mum]

Yes that is what I feel.
I want to be friends and just because they have gone a different path it really should not matter.
That is why I feel such loss I think.
My husband also thinks that they might feel hurt watching us doing what they wanted there for feeling that they can't talk to us or be with us.
Time will tell and I'll just keep on holding out the hand in the hope that one day our friendship will keep on but maybe while they are sorting out their way of parenting they do not want to be reminded?
Thank you for your help

[paradise lost]

Could you meet in a non-parenting setting (meal out, coffee without babies, cinema?) and not talk about parenting so you all have a chance to remember why you were freinds to begin with? If they're going through changes with their practices maybe they're just trying to find their new path and can't yet defend/discuss their new tack yet..? It might take the pressure off and let them see you're all the same people, whatever choices you make.

Bx