Knowing when to give up or when IVF doesn't work

i am hearing you, in a big way n2l. 6 years of ttc, 5 stims & 10 transfers down - it is so draining and all consuming. to be honest, i try and not think about it too much. just go along with the next stim, the next FET - just keep trucking along, hoping that sooner or later one just has to work. right now im gearing up for stim #6, with PGD and im actively not thinking about this one too much either. especially the cost... eeek. im not sure how i will actually make the decision to stop, i keep thinking that while i am producing eggs/embryos - how can i stop? but i know i will get to a stage where its enough, it really takes its toll physically & emotionally, not to mention the cost... my poor mortgage has suffered too. i do have a few more years left i know, but i started ttc when i was 28. im now 34 and i can see what else i can try to get a different result. its just so hard.

recently i have been able to consider what life without children might be like without getting that cold, panic feeling. some days i think i will manage. i try and remind myself what i do have, friends, family, a house, a great relationship etc. some days this works, some days it doesnt. we have talked about what we might like to do if ivf doesnt work for us, things like travelling, changing careers, moving to a warmer climate etc - but not sure if this is just to give us something to look fwd to or if any of it will actually happen! i hope i never have to find out, but i think i have been ttc for so long now that it would be naive of me not to try and prepare myself a little. not that its going to make it any easier to take. maybe it will. i dont know. maybe i will turn in to the crazy cat lady. i hope not.

I was in this situation (at crossroads) late last year, early this year. We had been ttc#2 for 3.5 years (3 further m/c too) and were referred to IVF. Undertook 3 IUI cycles, which all failed. Took a break and lost some weight then went back to the FS to commence IVF (something I was not open to initially). First cycle was cancelled (lack of response) & I just didn't know if I could do another cycle but wanted to see if I would respond on a higher dose of meds. At that point, depending on what happened with that cycle I was ready to throw in the towel. Emotionally I was spent & even if I did respond to the meds, I had no idea if my body would carry the pg to term given my history of m/c. (5 confirmed in total). In addition, my DD was being dragged to appts at the clinic (some just bloods, other internal u/s) and I felt bad that she had to endure this.

Physically I was sick of being a pin cushion and not knowing for certain what the next cycle would bring.

For me I *knew* in my heart that there was another baby, I just didn't know when that baby would join our family and whether it would be through IVF or natural. Extremely lucky (for lack of a better word) that this cycle worked.

i don't know how you decide when to stop trying N2L, i keep moving the goal posts, i said we would stop at the end of this year but now the end is nearly here im not ready, i have only had 2 attempt this whole year and the first ended in a miscarriage and the 2nd we got nothing to transfer once the pgd showed such bad results.

i guess for me im saying to myself that if we get an embryo that has normal chromosomes and it doesn't stick then thats where im drawing the line but i reserve the right to change my mind again if we hit that point !

have you thought anymore about pgd ?

:hug: this is so hard

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Not always.

Maybe stopping could be seen as being brave and courageous. embracing what you do have and making the decision to be able to direct your financial and emotional resources elsewhere.

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This is where i'm at - i didn't want to stop because it all became too much - i didn't want to stop because we ran out of money. i didn't want to feel like i'd failed. so, way back in the beginning of the AC journey, we pulled out a date (DH's 45th birthday) - and no matter the outcome, AC stopped then. it was something i needed to do - something that i could see as an end. i would have (and did) do just about anything in the time before then - we both worked ridiculous long hours (him in particular), excessive travel etc, so that we could afford it. i had multiple surgeries before even starting IVF to try and correct things. but it was always with an end in site - we were either pregnant by July 30, 2010 - or we packed in the towel, and shifted our focus to something totally different.

after having DD, i briefly entertained the idea of going through it all again - she is this magnificent little person, and to give her a sibling would feel like the right thing to do - but at the same time, I can't. I won't. i am tempted, but ultimately, i have decided i'm not going back, and i won't (unless i amazingly become so uber rich that work doesn't matter and i can do everything with no thought to the expenses or to losing work).

all of this has been discussed with DH (many times over!) and he understands. as much as he (we) would love a big family, it's just not something that we can do. it wasn't an easy call to make, and it's something, as i mentioned, i have waivered on (and i know DH does to - the man notices signs that might maybe just mean i'm fertile and tries to take advantage of natural chances....). but ultimately, we have to be strong, and invest what we have, fiscally, physically, and emotionally, in DD.