Knowing when to give up or when IVF doesn't work

[nothing2lose]

Not surprisingly BB doesn't seem to have many members who hang around once their ivf dreams don't come true, so there's not a lot of people to discuss this with

I think I am coming to the end of my IVF journey. Eight long, emotionally wrought cycles - five Stims and three FETs for a total of 11 embryos transferred - and only one chemical pregnancy and too many BFNs.

I have spent well over $50,000 including supplements and natural therapies, and I'm not sure how much more money I can throw at this.

I have plans to do another stim in December, throwing everything and the kitchen sink at it, but after that (and any FETs that might follow from it), I think we will accept that we are in the 40 per cent of couples IVF doesn't work for.

Are there others out there who have reached/are reaching that point? How will you cope with it? What will you do?

Let's chat about it here.

[juniper76]

We all have a limit. I've seen many posts like this elsewhere, but less so on BB...

I would have to say that, right now, I'm there with you. We have money for 1 more stim cycle (#6) and I don't expect any more frozen embryos, so I do expect it to be our last chance. I'm still so burnt out from the first 5, that I'm not even sure I want to do a 6th... I don't even think it will work.

I know it's different for those of us TTC#2. We were lucky enough to have IVF#5 work, so it's not the same as walking away empty-handed. But it's still hard to walk away with a hole in your heart that remains unfilled. I would have loved to have 3 children, or even more, so it's hard to think that DD may grow up alone.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't give up completely but I can't keep living with all this pain...

[Lenny]

anney has experienced this. Perhaps PM her.
I believe i know others but as you can guess most drift from BB, sadly.

[~TT40~]

just wanted to give you hugs n2l. you are a strong brave woman and i look up to you in terms of the ivf journey. im really really really hoping and praying (more than normal) that the kitchen sink id what you need. xoxo

[anney]

Yes it is a difficult dEcision and one I had taken out of my hands, as I really don't know when I would have reached my limit. You can't do ivf with your own eggs over 45 in Victoria so I stopped at 45. I conceived dd naturally at 39 and he and I really wanted her to have a sibling. We tried naturally with two miscarriages until I was 43 then did ivf and had done one donor egg cycle in that time and two of my own cycles with the first one resulting in a miscarriage.
So my situation is very different to yours. Not nearly so many cycles for example.
For me, in the end I was going thru the motions just for dh and dd. i was totally over it emotionally for myself particularly after the ivf miscarriage. So I think the decision depends on what is motivating you to keep trying. I felt I was lucky to have one child. And in reality didn't feel much support from DH.
Reading back that sounds like it is all about me! (lol) but of course it wasn't. It still felt like crap when I saw or heard about pregnancies, even though I sort of wanted to give up.
I did not have the money consideration so much as ivf was not nearly so expensive back 5 years ago. Money would certainly be a consideration if it was the $$$ it is now.
How does your DH feel about it? It would be extremely difficult when you want a child with him, to give up on that dream.(((hugs)))

[blossom73]

Hi N2l I know exactly how u feel. We are at the same cross road right now. Our donor sperm after next cycle will have run out and can't get same donor due to stupid new laws. I am worn out and have spent soon much money as well!!!!
Such a hard call, we are trying again in nov and reassess after. I don't think I'm ready to give up yet! Finding it hard at moment to focus on next cycle need to get my fitness back and start eating good diet but just can't get my head in that space right now!! Only have couple of weeks... Booked in for hysteroscopy, lipoidal flush and something else pulling out all stops this round..
X

[nothing2lose]

I'm just so sick of feeling like it's not going to work but doing it anyway because it seems wrong not to do it iykwim.

[juniper76]

I'm just so sick of feeling like it's not going to work but doing it anyway because it seems wrong not to do it iykwim.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean...

[nothing2lose]

To stop really is giving up

[anney]

Can you pinpoint where the feeling it is wrong to give up coming from ? Is it that you want to give DH a child or you really want one or it has become part of your "routine"?

[nothing2lose]

Honestly? I think all three for me.

[Beautiful Disaster]

My bestie has done 10 rounds to no avail so so sad. She even had a heart attack at 27 on the table having a regular procedure. Her ivf Dr said she could try some new drug in Argentina but you have to leave any un transfered eggs there.

Sorry it's do Hard and unfair

[anney]

Yes, all very powerful drivers and they won't go away in a hurry. It is crap you have to go through this.

[Gigi]

i notice there is a little girl in your avatar N2L, is part of it, your desire to give your DD a sibling? (which i get. i cannot give my DD a sibling, for different reasons).

Are you on IVF forums too? If you're not getting the support you need here at BB (small numbers of people who understand). IMportant to find places where you do feel understood.

so sorry you're going thru this heartache petal.

[Muppity]

To stop really is giving up

Not always.

Maybe stopping could be seen as being brave and courageous. embracing what you do have and making the decision to be able to direct your financial and emotional resources elsewhere.

I'm not in your position - DH has made our decision for "us" and that is a whole other story...

But I can imagine that in your situation I wound just know one day that enough was enough.

Making a decision doesn't mean that you can't change it in 6 months time...

[nothing2lose]

Thanks everyone

Gigi - my dd is from my previous relationship. I have been with my DP for eight years and he has no biological children. My dd has brothers and sisters through her biological father. I would love to have another child and I would especially love to have a bio child with DP.

Muppity - you're right, I can change my mind in six months but given I am 41, time really is a huge factor

[*beannaithe*]

N2L just wanting to send you a giant big

[Joeve]

N2L another hug here as well. You have been so awesome with advice for not just me but everyone in the AC thread. I pray that the decision never happens and that you get what we all want for you x