I've recently become a stepmother (oh god!) and I dont know what to do. My husband rarely sees his first son, Troy, but from what he's been told by his family who have visitation, he's not growing up well. DH believes that Troy's mother is not doing a good job but as I've told him, he has no right to judge because he's taken himself out of Troy's life. Anyway now that we have ds I want to put my foot down and say its time for joint custody. I want Troy to get to know his father and his brother. DH doesnt want to speak to Troy's mother to organize things so am I supposed to do it? I try to put myself in her shoes and I would be really angry if my son's father's new wife called me up demanding visits. Were going down to where she lives at the end of the year and I want us to meet up at a park or something but everytime something is arranged she cancels.
I should point out that Troy is 5yrs old. And the last time DH saw him was a year ago and it was VERY difficult to get Troy's mother to agree to it. She is still fighting MIL in court to stop the visits.
Please dont judge. This is difficult for us all. Does anyone have any advice?
In a similar situation - right down to DF not wanting to speak to the ex - snap! I know what a difficult situation this can be - and I'm wearing the 'been there, done that' T-shirt !
I've made it clear that if DF wants his other kids in his life then I'll do what I can to support him and help that happen. But as for arranging and organising it - I think it should come from DF - so the ball is in his court. His kids = his responsibility - I mean that nicely too hun.
Thanks Leesa. Its good to know I'm not the only one. Its just so frustrating that DH just wants to complain and not do anything about it!! I dont want to soud like I want to steal sds away, I just want him to know he has another family who love him.
What a difficult situation darling... You are very compassionate and kind to be putting this little boy first - kudos to you.
It sounds like this little boy probably doesn't have a connection to his Dad. All kids need a connection to both their parents when there is no physical or emotional danger.
I would couch it that you would really like your child to know his big brother - that you will support this relationship 150%. That you can imagine just how hard it is for him to enter into communication with his sons mother - but this can be done in a safe environment (I am thinking a mediator). That the initial contact will be awkward and difficult - however once the arrangements are in place things wil eventually flow.
The hard yards need to be done so father and son and new son can develop a relationship!
It's hard I know - and ultimately this really needs to be done by your partner. This is his business - however painting it in small manageable steps would be helpful I think.
Good luck - you are very thoughtful to be thinking so compassionately.
I honestly know how you feel right now; i am in a similar situation; what has your DH said about your suggestion of you contacting the Ex? I know in my situation i couldnt do it; apparently im the worst person in the world ... anyway thats another story! Would you feel comfortable calling her? Do you know much about her? How would she react? You're doing a great thing by trying IMO!!
I know that she doesnt like me. Its not like I "stole" dh away from her. She just kept telling him that she was the best he'd get and frankly he's now done better She likes to think that sds has no father and she purposly does things to upset dh eg. dressing Troy up in girls clothes, taking a pic and sending it to dh. She would feel I was undermining her life because she's never had a paying job. A soon as she got out school she got pg. So her life has been Troy and by asking to take him for a weekend would be crushing to her.
At the same time, this isnt about her or dh or me. As far as I'm concerned its about Troy and Jack and the fact that they have a right to a relationship with each other. And because I would never let Jack stay over at her house, Troy will just have to come here. Does that sound too harsh?
A question about stepchildren.
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You are very compassionate and kind to be putting this little boy first - kudos to you. 
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