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it is quite interesting how i do keep trying to go there infrequently and be distant from my stories and grief and have a neutral experience and so far it has never worked or been to my benefit. its always set me back.
maybe that day will come one day. i dont know. i think its sad when one suffers so much and the other shows no ability to care or understand or give support and comfort or kindness. and cant be heard.
Hun I'm sorry if this is causing you trauma all over again but honestly if you can't talk about it here with us why would you even ask the question in the first place whether you should go to your brother's house? Obviously you shouldn't. I also went through trauma all on my own, NOBODY helped me but you can't live the rest of your life blaming a person for not helping you, no one is obligated to help another. I can tell you now I have come out a better person. If anything I would be feeling sorry for your brother for not having any compassion or empathy for others. I hope I'm not out of line by saying this but it seems you still need to deal with the trauma that your ex caused you in the first place and forget about your brother and not dwell on what he did or didn't do.
Regards,
Dianne
those are your opinions and your expereince but its not mine.
i asked the question and appreciated the answers. but then it comes a point where its better for me to think about other things and not keep turning to this topic that is traumatic for me, soothing supportive understanding empathetic answers are helpful with trauma. . the body heart brain doesnt work well when we keep focusing on trauma. we are better off not thinking of it for hours and letting our brain heart etc calm down and getting on with other things than focusing on trauma on and on.
all that is your opinion. i hve dealt with things for years counselling and on and on. actually living in the now and building my life or relaxing is better fo rme. i do not need to keep going over things or deal with my ex as you say but you can have your opinions and moving away from the past and towards a better future is a process that can go on for years.
whatever you went through is your story and how it effected youa nd how you recovered is your story and i dont feel its comparable to mine. i'm not going into more detail to explain that but i'm sure at the core we do agree on some things.
thanks everyone for your responses. i cant beleive i still consider going even when i kow what its been like for me before and its better for me to spend my day differently.
:yeahthat:
... thank you Dianne, i was thinking the same thoughts but i didn't know how to put it into words !!
I know it is hard to swallow but as Dianne has mentioned it's so true, even though someone is our sibling they are under ' no ' obligation to help us (sad but true :shakehead:)
Sue it's clear you can't so far get past your brother not giving or at least offering you help when it was very much needed ... he seems to be far too caught up in his own world and i can't see how after all this time that will change. For you it's doesn't mean you have to accept this but for your own sanity you need to just see how things are and the sort of person your brother is and for you not to put anymore of your energy into something that won't change.
If your children have used the word " hate " towards to describe how they feel about their own Uncle ... and you have described maybe some dislike towards your own brother well i think it might be time to cut the ties (i understand easier said then done, i know from experience) ... Is their a reason why you can't ?? Because clearly he is causing you all some level of discomfort or grief on some level ... think of it this way because he is your brother you are under no obligation to ' have ' to be in his life and he in your's & your children.
Do you have strong ties/relationship with his wife or children ?? ... Is that the of one of the reasons you are still in contact with him ?? (So sorry just guessing here)
Sue is there anyway you can get past your brother not helping you whether it be past, present or future ? ... and Do you actually ENJOY being in your brother's company ??
Sue we are only here to help and not judge you i so hope you believe that :grouphug:
Hugs to you again Sue :hug: xOx
The trauma I went through was MAJOR, all I wanted was for you to know that there is hope and it is possible to come out of trauma in a positive way, I understand everyone is not the same. I was only trying to help.
Regards,
Dianne
I too have been through a number of very traumatic experiences in life. When there was no one to help me. I understand how alone a person can feel when this happens. I also have had to deal with my own personal experiences of PTSD.
I think Sue you are speaking to Women who have travelled very painful roads. So when you ask the advice of Women who "get" it - you will hear their perspectives.
Skeetabout said it so well - forgiveness is imperative if we want to move on. Hatred is the polar opposite to forgiveness - it shows that we are holding on for grim death to an old story.
We all have our old stories - many of them are traumatic and painful. Some of us have current stories that are equally traumatic and painful.
When you choose (& most of us have the ability to choose in every moment how we will respond) to focus on past pain not only are you living the painful event/s over and over again - you are doing it to yourself. We all get canned at some stage. It's what life does & it's how we grow. But choosing to relive a traumatic event by focusing on the pain is self inflicted agony... :hug: Don't do it to yourself my love! There is a beautiful world out there! You have a heart that's beating, arms & legs! Life feels bad - but my love it's how you see it...
If you are so "traumatised" by seeing a brother as he didn't do what you felt he "should" have - then that is your issue my love to deal with. :hug: He might be selfish, in his own world. But the world owes us nothing. Of course kindness, compassion & aid are beautiful qualities - not everyone fosters them - that's their perogative! Let it go as from what I can see it's only you that is suffering.
Some of the Women on this site have been through very very similar things to yourself - we have to learn to move forward and let go. Learn from the past, take the lessons but holding on to pain is feeding your need to hurt. I know that might sound harsh - but you did ask for advice!
You've been through the wringer - my heart breaks for the pain I hear you express. But you and only you can change this.
You have 5 chidlren that no doubt love you - you have a home - you are in the top 5% of the richest in the world! Try to see it from a more positive direction. Know that you and only you are in charge of your thoughts & your reactions.
I am glad you are reaching out through BB - we will help you & support you.
Sending you love. :hug:
thanks all you said was fine. i do all the things you have said. this is a topic that opens trauma it doesnt mean i focus on it all the time. thank you all.