should i go to brothers home

[sue1386]

my brother has invited me to his home to welcome back his son from overseas.

my family hate going to my brothers home it leaves us feeling so sad, teary and pained for days after.

i am happy my brother has had such a good life

however i raised a bunch of kids on my own, with a violent ex husband who dragged me through courts and made my life hell for years and didnt pay child support for several kids

my health suffered during and after the marriage and raising a bunch of kids on my own with no money, career, home help, was not the recommended healing path for ill health

our life was full of trauma financially for every thing
for keeping a roof over our head, bills, repairs, education needs, clothing, everything is so difficult when there is no income and no child support and centrlink allowances are not enough to feed and cloth and keep a roof and pay bills and pay repairs education etc.

my brother lived 5 minutes away and just didnt think of us
when i tried to ask him for help in my exahustion and suffering for years, he just didnt hear it.

they didnt think twice on spending on such a luxurious lavish lifestyle and they just didnt think of how mine and my kids emotional and physical helath was suffering very seriously for so many years with no support and so much suffering.

it is not a joy for us that his pampered son has come back from overseas. we do not want to go there to have to listen to their life, when we have so much pain that was unheard day after day after day after day and was so extreme and serious with very huge effects on us all.

i can try to forgive and think of other things and build my life but i only find it retraumatises me to be around my brother and his total blindness and selfishness.

there are people i grew up with who just didnt show the care one would think they would when a friend is suffering so much. so there are poeple who i no longer wish to associate with, it just brings back too much pain for me, new people have come and are coming into my life that are much better for me .its just a reality of my life and how my experiences have effected my view of some people during years i suffered so much. then of course there are others who understand what i've been through and who i stay connected with.

[diannescruffy]

Hun, I'm a little bit confused, are you actually considering going to your brother's house? From what you have just said if it is going to cause trauma for you then don't go. Have you ever talked to your brother about how you feel about him?

Regards,
Dianne

[sue1386]

well to answer your first part

i guess an invitation is not an obligation

but i have so few friends
most couldnt take how exhausted i always was from overwork and raising a bunch of kids on my own while being dragged by my ex through court for years or through his dramas

so its nice to go out and i feel obligated

but truly i shouldnt even consider it as it does traumatise me

i need peace time peace and time as much as possible

i dont need more obligations expecially ones taht really really upset me so so much.

i tried for years to talk to him , it was like talking to a wall or worse

every counsellor i went to heard about my pain of having a brother and yet suffering so much alone. it would have been less painful to not have a brother than to have one who didnt show any care or understanding

what was worse is he likes to be seen as special in his community and i would hear form other sole parents who he helped them so much when they came to live here from elsewhere?!

my kids hate him too becaus eof his extreme lavishness yet selfishness and the extent we suffered, with kids and my health suffering so much to the extent of needing huge amount of care, cousnelling medication and hospitalisation from so much trauma for years, and yet his kids biggest problem was which peice of jewellery will they choose on their overseas trip

we want him to have a good life
but the lack of care while we suffered so much and he lived so closeby just truly adds so much salt to our wounds and has done for decades.

[*star*]

Only you can decide how you are going to feel about seeing him. It seems you've already made the decision that you are going to feel awful, so I don't know what the point is if you know you're going to choose to feel this way.

However, it's up to you whether you let these decades of misery with him last even longer. You may choose to forgive it and then it's up to you to forget it. If this just isn't possible then you have your answer above. If it is, then you'll be showing an example to your kids who may just be able to enjoy his hospitality in the here and now, even if it wasn't available previously.

[sue1386]

i hear you and we could wish it was so but the reality is the same

i've done it before
and it left me each time such a mess for days after

i remember hearing a specialist in trauma say ' priority number one is dont retraumatise'

enjoying his hospitality is one way of seeing it

but the reality is that its not at all experienced that way by us

its a bit like mary antoinette saying if they dont have food let them eat cake
he is so unaware , blind and wanting to be blind to what we go through

we dont feel his joy that his child has come back from overseas when we are going through much more basic pain and he has not shown any care or given releif to us when we have and do still suffer so much for basics.
we just feel pain that he is so out of touch with what we have and are going through and just totally overlooks it all as if its not there.

with someone else maybe we could go and enjoy hospitality
or maybe not, we are overworked, tired, and burdened with the struggle for basics and for whats gone one because of what we go through. in the last 12 months alone we have gone through so much. we need to be around kind compassionate understanding people not people who love to show off how fabulous their life is and have show no care or understanding for us no matter what we are going through. a couple of years ago he had such theories about kids having all their needs taken care of so that they can think of higher things, but did he help us at all with his theories no. My son was so sick at the time and he put on alot of weight from the medication and needed twice to buy entire new clothes , underwear, singlets, paints, tops, school uniform, church clothes, twice twice i had to buy bigger sizes in a small space of time and there were so many other expenses and trauma connected with all this, and i begged my brothe rfor help and he didnt help at all. this is just one of so many needs along the years that pains me so much, - me and my children being for years so traumatised and so sick from not enough funds and the stress it caused on our health together with other traumas, and he just dances his life away with no though to what we go through. for basics.

but visiting h him its so full of emotions and pain not just of past we are still suffering now struggling to keep a food over our head and basics going and dealing with so much we have been through even this year and he is just so so blind to it all and so selfish.

we need comfort on our level and not to be told to come and celebrate with him when we are exhausted and suffering.

it reminds me a bit of a story i once hear of a very rich brother who came to a family wedding in all his splendor leaving another sibling to come to the wedding in their shame and povery and the parents werent happy that one brother could be so blind to the need of the others and the parents did not enjoy the splendor he came to the wedding with, as he didnt assit the brother to come in a reasonable way aswell.

we have tried again and again to go and not feel all the upset, and it has never ever worked. we are never as great a mess as we are after going there as the trauma for us is so huge of what we go through alone without support while he lives it up very nearby showing no compassion care understanding throught or relief for us.

[sista]

If its leaving you in such a mess, don't go. If you want to someone to tell you what to do, then all you need to read is this: don't go. Make up an excuse if you like, but you can simply say, thanks but no thanks.

It is very hard and your feelings are very legitimate, but why would you keep going to people who don't care about you? I'm sorry, family may be family, but sometimes in name only. Like a previous poster said, it seems you've already made up your mind about how you're going to feel so why make it so hard for yourself.

[*star*]

So you've answered your own question then. If you can't choose to be any other way you are going to be miserable, so why do that to yourself. You can't make him do anything (particularly not in the past), it's only your reactions to what he does that you can choose. It seems you have made that choice, so don't go for both of your sakes.