Donor Conception General Chatter #1

Does an egg donor have to meet the prospective parents also?

(I would consider donating an egg after I have finished breastfeeding my last child.)

Hi 7H
Being an ED is such a generous and selfless thing to consider.
You can choose to do either an anonymous donation or a 'known' donation. Known donation may be someone you actually know eg, cousin, close friend or could be someone you find through them advertising.
There is a bit of info around, I think there will be some posted in here soon....
Feel free to PM me if you want any help in the meantime.

Hi everyone,

I am so pleased to find this thread!

Can I share my story? And seek some advice too please?

I have a great family (3 little ones) - all conceived naturally.

I have a wonderful friend, who has been trying the IVF merry-go-round for a number of years - with eventually 0 egg harvests.

Their only hope is ED - and I could think of nothing better than giving them something that I have plenty of! When their FS told them the bad news that there would be no more IVF attempts for them - and that ED was the only possibility - I offered immediately (and they cried!). They did immediately told me all the negatives of the process - but I couldn't imagine for one second that any of the negatives would outweigh the positives of giving them a chance of conceiving a baby.

After sometime, they told me that they were so fortunate to have had offers from 2 other women close to them. They were going to start the process with another woman, but asked me if I would be happy to wait "as a reserve". They said that they hoped they hadn't insulted me - but I was perfectly happy with their decision.

In the meantime, I accidently (yes - completely accidental) - fell pregnant with twins! omg! (DH had had a vasectomy!!!!!!). A very difficult time followed, as one miscarried, and the other hung on for a short time. This has opened my eyes to possibly having number 4.........*teary*.

But - here is the punchline........we don't see our dear friends very often, as they live in an outback community - but they visit as often as they come into town. We didn't see them for 12 months (which was a little unusual - but not abnormal) - so they have no idea about what happened with us........(neither does anyone else).......and I am not as sure where we stand - me or them.

I don't like asking them prying questions about their latest conception failures.....as it is hurtful for them when others constantly ask. So - what should I do? Should I ask how they were going with ED? Should I re-confirm that I would be happy to discuss ED with them if they wanted? I am confused.

I am sorry that this has turned into a bit of a novel, but I thought that if anyone could advise me on the right path - this would be place.

thanks

AC

Hi Acbryett,

Firstly, you are a brilliant person to offer to donate. This couple must be very lucky to have such good friends!

My situation is a little different from you and your friends, as I'm using sperm donation from a known donor, rather than egg donation, so I am talking from this perspective. We only see our known donor every couple of months also.

To answer your question, I suppose it depends on how close the relationship is with your friends. Even if I haven't seen a close friend for ages, I still talk about their highs and lows, including children they have lost through miscarriage. And I often talk about the rollercoaster ride of DC. I suppose I come from the philosophy that there is no point keeping secrets as they have a habit of being discovered anyway. And it only helps to strengthen the relationship.

With your friends I would wait and see what happens during the visit. If you are comfortable, talk about your loss. See if they talk about their DC journey. If they do, confirm with them that you still are available if they need you.

The only other consideration would be whether you are still in the grieving process for your lost twins. If you are, you may need more time to recover from your loss before making this generous offer.

HTH

Hi A (that name is too hard for me to type)
I was sad to read of your twins, how devastating for you. Particularly considering the miracle way in which they were conceived.
Having been in TTC circles for quite a while now, I know that the worry you're feeling about upsetting your friends is completely normal. But, from being in the known DC world more recently, I also know that both EDs and IPs are often unsure whether to raise the subject with the other party.
EDs may worry about prying or appearing that they're still available but the IP may have someone else or that they may cause more upset. IPs worry that if they raise the topic they'll appear desperate or pushy or may be placing the ED 'on the spot'. It can get very 'round and round the mulberry bush' IYKWIM!
I think the fact that you've offered in the past means you must have a fairly close relationship - I'm sure asking them when they're visiting won't upset them. Not asking would probably hurt more. I find it's always best to start with "I'm really not sure how to ask/say this..." I'm pretty sure they'll be relieved that it's out in the open. Could you invite them to stay for dinner and overnight? Gives you more time to test the waters.
For me, I know if I was in the position of your friends I'd feel honoured to know you shared what's happened to you.
If you're still considering possibly being an ED for them, it is important for you to be completely sure that you will be able to handle the journey emotionally and physically. Apart from the very real chance that the drugs will make you either :cry: or :angry: you need to do some very careful thinking about the outcome. How will you feel if, fingers crossed, there is a successful outcome? While you will no doubt be over the moon for your friends, if you're still raw from the loss of your twins it may compound things. Counselling is compulsory for any DC journey but it would be best if you could have things clear in your head and heart before you launch yourself on to the ED road. No point getting everyone's hopes up if you have to withdraw the offer. Your emotional wellbeing is at stake here.
Gawd, that sounds like a lecture - it really isn't :rolleyes:
I guess what I'm trying to say is, be honest with your friends. Ask them about their 'stuff' first. Tell them your 'stuff' - maybe leave out the part about how easy the conception was ;) Then tell them you're working through your own grief but are still open to the idea of ED but need to be sure - for everyone concerned. Also tell them you're always there for support no matter what happens, I'm sure you've already done that anyway. They'll appreciate your honesty and be touched knowing that you'd donate if you could. Certainly, they'll be relieved the subject is 'out there'.
Good luck!

Hi Guys,

Thanks for thinking of me..
I am actually going for a bloodtest and scan tomorrow to see when my FET will be. I know this week. Will keep you posted.
Don't you hate it that you have to wait a month everytime before you can do anything. I just can't get that tick tick out of my head..
Hope u are all well..

Lulu

Hi everyone,

Had a very productive day today. Heard from our known donor - will be meeting up with him in the next couple of weeks to discuss the nitty gritty subjects. Ken Daniel's book "Building a Family with the Assistance of DI" has arrived, so I'm going to start reading tonight. Finally I am meeting up with my FS on Monday.

This is not infertility related, but I also saw my GP today as I have tonsilitis again! After years and years of suffering with bout after bout of tonsilitis he has recommended I see a surgeon and get them OUT! (Yeah!!)

It's amazing how much difference a day makes. Yesterday I was feeling very lonely and miserable. Of course, could have been the AF and tonsilitis).

Speaking of nitty gritty, I said to our donor I wanted to discuss the following:
1) Counselling
2) Legal issues: making sure you know where you stand (ie no legal rights as father, however some sort of relationship with our child so that he/she knows who you are).
3) Disciplinary issues
4) Access issues to him
5) What happens if we move interstate or if you move
6) What happens when you have a partner in the future
7) What happens if we want a second child
8) How will we feel if the child is disabled
9) Issues with us as parents
10) What happens if we pass away and you are still living?
11) What happens if it doesn't work?
12) How this will affect our friendship
13) Family medical history
14) Long term access to his family
15) Education of the child

Can anyone else think of anything else we need to talk about?? Suggestions welcome...

Hi Lulu
Do you have a FET date?

Hi Gargy
Just thinking on the run here....
One thing that came up in my joint counselling with my SD was when/how we thought we would tell any resulting child/ren of their conception. I had always said I'd be totally up front with everyone, right from the start. But I did an about-face when the counsellor put forth this scenario:
What if your child and the child of another family member are playing together and they have a little tiff. Kids being kids, one child says something to your child along the lines of their father isn't their real father (or in my case 'your mum isn't your real mum') - or words to that effect. How would your child feel if you hadn't yet felt they were old enough to know how they came to be? So, I now believe that although my parents know the whole story, that the next person to know will be my child. From as soon as I believe they are able to comprehend it - there are a few age appropriate books explaining DC to children. After that, it will be up to my child who they tell. In no way I am ashamed at all about SD and ED - I just want to ensure that my child doesn't get any shocks!
Hmmmmm other things...
what would you do if you had a falling out with your SD?
Would your SD know what to say to you both if it doesn't work, how to console you?
Does he realize he has absolutely no say at all in how you raise your child?
Most of the other things discussed at my SD counselling you've covered but will pop back in if I think of anything else.

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading along quietly for a while and have decided to join in!

A quick fill in on our story, my DH has Azoospermia and I have had what seems like almost every problem known to women. Endometriosis, Ovarian cysts and Dysplasia (CIN 3). All within the space of 2 years, What a pair hey!!

We have been TTC since January 2006 and fell pregnant in July with DI. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 8 1/2 weeks and haven't been lucky enough to get a :bfp: since.

There are only 3 people in our family that know what is going on. Which makes it really hard to talk to anyone about it cause there are always other people around.

DH is well and truly against anyone else knowing. He doesn't mind me being on here seeing as it's anonymous but that is as far as it goes.

We talked about using a known doner but Hubby hated the idea. He is fantastic about using an unknown though.

His way of looking at it is that he/she will be a part of me so of course he will love them. Isn’t that so cute!!

Anyway I didn’t mean to go on for ages just wanted to say hi and GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US:crossfingers:

Hi All,

Tomorrow (Friday) is FET day..2 embies going in..
Think of me during my 2 weeks of hell...
Hope you are all well..

Lulu

Hi Lulu,

Good luck with everything - fingers crossed.

Hi BecE,

I'm sad for you that you lost your little one. Makes it hard when you can't talk to many people about your situation. May I recommend you read Ken Daniel's book (if you haven't already). May help with the secrecy versus privacy issues.

Hi SuziQ,

My plan is at the moment to tell my child literally from day one. I want to get the picturebook "Sometimes it takes 3 to make a baby". Both our families know that we are using DI, however I will talk to them about our privacy and that we would like to tell our child first. I am not going to tell them the identity of the SD at this stage - I was thinking I would wait until at least 3 months into the pregnancy. And seeing I've not got to that stage yet...

As for other kids, well unfortunately kids will find something to hassle someone else about. When I first read your posting I said to my DH 'maybe we train our child to say "and your mother/father wears army boots" whenever someone says something like this to him/her'.:p This was something my dad used to say under his breath when people annoyed him. DH was secretly delighted, but I don't think that this would be teaching our child to respect others!!

Ok now it's vent time...

I've had a really up and down week. I had a follow up call from the counsellor. She was initially checking up to see what the response had been from my SD (who, BTW is all over the place because he has to move home), which was a good thing for her to do. However she reduced me to tears when she started asking questions about what was happening between DH and me. For whatever reason, I feel that she is more concerned about DH, rather than giving me support.

I feel like we got off to a bad start day one. I was p*%%$# off with DH at the time about his work, and I wasn't holding back. She still refers to it and that was 2 1/2 years ago. This view of me was not helped when I saw her for the second time in full crying mood after a kid had run me into a wall at school. I was on treatment and VERY hormonal. She was bewildered by my reaction. The last time she told me to change my tone when I was questioning DH (a technique she had advised). When I got home I said to DH that if he wanted to say something he needed to say it, without me being forced to ask him questions. I am sick of being treated like a pushy b*&^&.

Now, I'm quite sure that I am probably overreacting, and taking things too personally. How do I fix this? I thought I could talk to her one on one on Monday (I'm seeing the FS then, and thought about seeing her afterwards). My best friend advised saying to her that I should just say that I am doing the best that I can, and I need her support, not judgement. Has anyone else had this problem?

Hi Bec and welcome :hello:
How did it all go yesterday Lulu? Here to hold your hand over the next 2 weeks :pray:
Gargy, IMHO, I'd say "stuff the counsellor". The thing I've found with the three 'IVF' counsellors I've seen over the years is that they know bugger all about IVF!!!! They certainly don't understand the emotions of it all. Seems to me she is trying to be a marriage guidance counsellor. Given that couples who have children the 'normal' way don't have to go through this - it's none of her goddamn business. She can't prevent you from having your IVF cycle (as far as I know). So, next time she calls just tell her all is fine and as for talking to her one on one - give it the big miss. She's only going to try and delve into things that probably aren't even 'things' - she's just making it that way.:rolleyes:

Thanks SuziQ - yet again you've made me feel better. And that is EXACTLY how I feel, that she is trying to be a marriage counsellor. Given we have been married for 12 years and I have been wih DH since I was 18, and have gone through all these issues, and survived, I think we are doing ok in terms of our relationship. I'm glad you told me you've had 3 counsellors - that puts it in pespective. You're brilliant!! :D Have a fantastic day.

Thank you Gargy and SuziQ, you have been helpful and generous.

I'd just love life to be simple for everyone - but clearly it's just NOT! But, what is wonderful is that there are such places where people can seek comradery and support from others who understand.

Have a lovely weekend!

Hi SuzyQ,

All went fine. Will be under 2 weeks this time as they transferred embies (which multiplied after defrosting..) 3 DPO..so I wait..

Lulu

oh boy..had transfer on friday and some blood already today. makes me 6DPO. AF not due till 28 Feb. I have been reading some sites about this 'implantation' bleeding...and they all talking about a little brown blood. well this was red red. will keep u posted..am not a happy girl..Lulu

Aww Lulu please dont loose hope. I have had implantation bleeding at it was pinky/red...not brown. Not very heavy and only lasting the day.

Jo

Lulu,

Fingers crossed that everything will be ok for you...

Hi everyone,

Went to FS today. Back on the pill to get the bleeding back under control (last month bled for 12 days, this month it has already been going for 10). He's happy that I had the HSG and I am back on Metformin.

SD will be coming over this weekend to talk about where to from here. After that he has to go to the counsellor, and then we have to go to the counsellor as a group (yes unfortunately the same one I was bitterly complaining about earlier, but if I keep it to specifics about the IVF process and don't let her blunder into other things it should be ok).

I also had a chat to the counsellor at school - much more sympathetic! I'd gone in there to refer a student and we just fell into the conversation when she asked me about my future plans with work (she knew I'd applied for a job last year). Nice to know I have her support, even if she is a very busy lady! I also had a chat with a few people at work - I'm not as isolated as I thought I was.

Slowly, slowly moving forward!

Gargy

Lulu I'm pretty confident that bleeding is just from the actual transfer itself. Sometimes they can scrape/scratch and it takes a couple of days for the blood to come out. Implantation bleeding usually happens around 7 - 10 days after ET (I think). So, settle petal!!!!
Gargy, glad you found a nice counsellor to talk with. I don't know why IVF counsellors involved with DC think they are born to lord it over everyone. Hope all goes well with your SD on the weekend.

Lulu,
far too early to be AF so don't even think about that. I know the 2ww can do your head but stay positive - from what Jo says, it sounds like a good sign rather than bad. :pray: for you
Gargy - hope the pill does the trick. very annoying though that you have to use it when you are TTC. good luck.

Gargy, SuziQ and Anney...thanks!!

Had a little more today and am not feeling too confident at all..but I'll just sit it out and keep you posted.

Thanks guys...Lulu

Lulu - just ducking in to say that I'm keeping everything crossed for you. xoxo :pray:

Marg

Just confirming some information...

Being on the pill for a couple of months is not going to affect my chances for doing IUI and IVF in the future because once I start up again on one of these programs my ovaries will be artificially simulated again to produce an egg.

When people are TTC using normal methods it takes 3 - 12 months for the pill to get out of their system and for them to return to a normal cycle.

Is this correct?

Gargy

Gargy,
My understanding is that it does not really take that long to get the pill out of your system. some people get pregnant the month after being on the pill so I guess, like most things to do with TTC, it varies with different people. But really there is no time needed to get it out of your system as really, as soon as you stop taking it , it is out of your system. some people will just take a bit longer to get back to "normal". that is how I understand it.

Well ladies...
A wonderful lady, Heather from Lismore, has offered to be my Egg Donor. She is a lovely lady and I don't think I will ever be able to express the gratitude and respect I feel for her. Such an enormous gift to offer. She has three children - the eldest only started school this year, a three year old and a bub five weeks old. Her hands are full yet she is fully focussed on helping me become a mum.
We have been chatting daily for around a month and yesterday she told me she wants to 'commit'. We're looking to meet IRL in July and have our initial consultations and counselling. All going well, we can kick off some time between September and December this year.
I am completely overwhelmed - grinning, crying, grinning
:cry: :confetti: :happyforyou: :goodluck:

Hi SuziQ,

Must have been a good night for both of us!:happyforyou: DH and I had our DS friend over for dinnner last night. DH went all out :D - he cooked Mussaman Beef Curry, Yellow Chicken Curry, Steam Veges and Roti from scratch - it was really important to him to do this for our DS friend.

I went out for lunch with DH earlier that day when we were buying ingredients - and we went through all the questions I could think of, including the list below. I was treating it more like an adoption, and DH said, "no, I don't think that's how it will be".

Anyway when my DS friend came over and we started discussing how it would be I was amazed how he 'got' it much more than I did, and the DH was also on the right path. I was also extremely surprised by how well the two got on together and how alike they were in nature and the way they thought. I have known both of these men for a very long time but in my stress and depression last week I'd forgotten how wonderful they both are.

I was touched by how much our DS trusted and respected us. He spelled out that he never, ever will interfere. This made DH feel so much better. Anyway I grilled him for about two hours on all the questions that DH and I had gone through over lunch. Luckily we also had a very good wine so that helped (feeling slightly worse for wear this morning, but very, very happy.) :D

I really feel that this has every chance of working! I'm so lucky to have such a good husband and such a good friend! :dance:

DH and I were also going to go to a donor conception support function today but I think that this would be pushing it - one step at a time. May be better to leave this until the baby is on it's way or actually here.

Anyway, thankyou all for all your help and support over the past few weeks - it was very much appreciated!!

Hi everyone else too!

I was so happy that I didn't realise that I had just addressed the last email to just SuziQ and not everyone! So thankyou SuziQ, and thankyou everyone else for all your help over the past few weeks! It was very much appreciated!!

Jumping for Joy :dance: (or Earl - hee, hee:lol:)

Gargy

Oh Suzi, I'm so glad for you! Hoping your dream comes to fruition very very soon!
And Gargy, that's great news from your SD, woohoo and I hope your journey is short and sweet!

OMG Suzi I'm sooooo happy for you, I'm in tears! You deserve this sooo much!And Gargy too, it's all happening! I can't believe all the good news in here!

I love the 'Earl' referemce too Gargy, I'm an Earl fan!

Gargy, that is so fantastic. i had tears in my eyes for you as it just sounds like it is all going to work out perfectly and you will have nothing to worry about. Lucky you to have 2 wonderful men in your life.
suziq, I have already got all excited for you, a bit prematurely, but I just knew she would be "the one" so I am really glad to hear that you are both going to commit. :lol: It is funny how the language we use regarding known donors is the same as with an exclusive lifetime relationship and I hope too that I can find someone we can have that special relationship with too. Yay for you and Heather "getting it on".
Lulu, how are you going? Hope AF is staying away.

SuziQ - that is wonderful news. I will be keeping everything crossable crossed for you. This next one is going to be THE ONE! :hug:

Gargy - so glad things are also going great for you. Hopefully there is more good news just around the corner. :pray:

Lulu - hope you are doing okay. :hugs:

Well, I had my appointment with the FS last week and I SO wanted him to notice that although I haven't gotten down to 70kg, that I have actually been losing cm's! And thankfully it was the first thing he commented on! The second was how I could still be single and what's wrong with all the men in Bendigo! LOL! (I wish I knew!!! :lol: ).

He has suggested I try a 'flare' cycle which I haven't done before and although he said I will never get 20+ eggs, that even getting 6 would be a great result for me (considering I've never had more than 2). So with AF having just started I've decided to get stuck back into it next month - I figure 4 weeks will fly by and I want to make sure I'm as ready as I can be, even though the FS said I could start now. I have a couple of crazy weeks coming up at work and it will also give me the chance to hopefully lose a couple more kilos and be 'raring to go'! Fingers crossed!

Marg

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for all the encouragment. AF still hasn't shown but I did spot on and off last week. It stopped Friday. Am due Wednesday, so will keep you all posted.
Suzi - wow...great great news...am so excited for you..
Marz - excellent..so good to have a positive to look forward to
Gargy - so glad things are working out for you
So will report in when I know one way or the other..

Lulu

Hey Ladies,

Thankyou so much for this thread. I was wondering if anyone can point me in the direction of finding detailed information on SD. I am in WA and am not entirely sure it is legal. I would also like to be able to read about the process and expected cost. It is something i would dearly like to do as i feel i am at the right point in my life no matter how early into it.

I thankyou all dearly for you support

Tamyn

I am in shock. Ladies..I am pregnant.
I cant quite believe it. I am trying to remain calm and take it one day at a time as I have a lot of hurdles to cross because of my age (and lots of tests up to 14 weeks), but will tackle them one at a time.
Blood test yesterday showed high levels of HCG so right now looking like twins, but really have no idea (well I did have 2 embies put back as suggested by doc..and as the nurse said to me before the blood test results..be careful what you wish for!) Another blood test next week to ensure levels still rising then scan to see if any heartbeat can be detected.
So like I said - long long way and still very early days.
Tamyn - you need to go to your doc and get referred to an IVF clinic. Maybe do some ringing around first to see who uses donors. Unfortunately you will probably go on a waitlist as we all do as they are so rare these days. That's step number 1. I'd get onto it now as it could take a while..good-luck..
I am not quite sure what to do now. I guess I have to leave this thread (sniff sniff) but am certainly not ready for the preggie one till the next few weeks pass.
I will certainly keep an eye on this thread but hope not to be back permanently - if you get what I mean.
So everyone..good-luck I will be thinking of you all - and I really mean that..

best..Lulu

OMG Congratulations Lulu! :confetti:

woohoo Lulu, that is fantastic news. When you said you had spotting last week but AF had not arrived, I thought it was sounding hopeful. I know what you mean about early days, it is really hard to get too excited when people give you the statistics for our age but I have a few friends that have had babies at 43. so try to enjoy this time - it is very special.
Hope you get to leave here permanently but we want to see you back for visits.:D congratulations!

Oh Wow Lulu congrats!!! Make sure you do come back to visit and keep us all posted.. best wishes for everything!!!

yay

Lulu!!!!!!
Brilliant news - congratulations....you're PREGNANT!!!!! :clap:

Lulu

I am so happy for you!! :dance: That is absolutely wonderful news! Enjoy each day!

Love
Gargy

Hi Lulu - that is WONDERFUL news. Here's to a happy and healthy pregnancy. :)

Take care,
Marg
xoxo