A belated thank you

[Persephone1]

I was a regular poster in the LTTTC and AC threads until I fell pregnant, with IVF/ICSI, our 7th FET, in September 2009. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant.

When I was TTC, I always imagined that I would still frequent the LTTTC threads after I fell pregnant and offer my support to the ladies still going through their TTC journeys. Sort of like remembering my "roots" and the place I came from, and making sure I didn't forget the people who supported me in getting to the place I am now.

In reality, falling pregnant was pretty much a mind f***. Within days of me receiving a positive blood test, I had spotting which was then on and off for another 4 weeks. I truly believed I would not make it to twelve weeks, and that a miscarriage was inevitable. As a result, I was diagnosed with Antenatal Depression and Anxiety. Who would have thought falling pregnant would be more terrifying than TTC?

Anyway, I've had some excellent support from my GP, my psychologist, my family and my friends. I'm now "all-clear" as far as the ANDA goes, although finding myself at 19 weeks pregnant is quite shocking for me...surely this is still just a joke? But perhaps now it's becoming something to smile about rather than become anxious and freaked out about. I'm even moving towards buying baby stuff!

Coming back to the LTTTC threads over the past 16 or so weeks has actually been quite hard for me. Occasionally I see a post about IVF or ICSI, and think "I could contribute to that thread" or "I could answer that question" and then I...don't. It's almost like visiting a gravesite for me, a painful reminder of what I went through, and it's sometimes a bit too raw for me to go back to.

I stopped by the LTTTC IVF thread today and noticed that I'm listed as a "success story." I got all teary and emotional, and realised that the girls have still remembered me, even if I haven't been around to support them. So I just wanted to stop by and send my love and thoughts to everyone in these threads - most particularly to the girls who supported me so unconditionally and lovingly during my journey, but also to those ladies that are still in their TTC journeys. I do think about you, and I'm so grateful for the support I received in here. Please know that I haven't forgotten you and that LTTTC really contributed to the person I am now - and not in a bad way. Sure, it's been challenging, but I am so grateful to have gone through it in order to be where I am.

So, in a completely inarticulate manner, please accept my thank you's, hugs and love. And if anyone does ever have a question that you'd like my help or support with, please PM me...in case I don't drop by often enough.

Love,
Seph

[Acacia]

Seph,

I haven't followed your journey (for much the same reason as you talk about, as I'll explain) but I'm so glad to hear that you're overcoming the effects of your AC treatment and starting to enjoy your pregnancy - I wish you a very happy and uneventful rest of your pregnancy before your have your LO in your arms.

I just wanted to post because much of what you wrote is me all over too.

When I got pregnant after our 4th treatment cycle (2 stims and 2 FETs) the only place I frequented was PregALTTTC, and I couldn't bring myself to contribute to the LTTTC&AC threads at all, let alone look at them. Part of it was guilt that I was forging on ahead and others that I cared for and knew how hard they were struggling in their own journeys I was leaving behind. And part of it was that the effects of our journey to get pregnant were so debilitating for me personally that I couldn't function properly enough in myself to think that I had anything to offer anyone in the LTTTC&AC threads any more.

I too was diagnosed with AND&A (not until 26 weeks into my pregnancy) but after a scare 7 weeks in, the elation of finally being pregnant quickly wore off - it was ever there in the first place - and I was left feeling petrified, alone in my journey much of the time (thank God for the Preg&LTTTC thread). And yes, it was more terrifying for me than my TTC journey, by far.

But... I wanted to say that despite continuing to battle with anxiety and depression throughout my pregnancy and into first year of my baby's life (now I have been diagnosed with an underlying long term mental illness - so it's not all about my TTC journey in isolation, even though it is the cause of my symptoms now), my journey will always be hard to think about, but what I have been through has strengthened me, and made me realise that I have so much to offer those who are still going in their journey - not the least of which is HOPE.

And I wanted to say that this is what you are offering to others here in the threads, even if you are not here writing and answering posts. HOPE. People see your journey and what you have been through and can relate to it, relate to what you've been through and what you're going through now, and feel that they are not alone, and that their turn will come.

And in time, as I did, when I came to realise what my journey can symbolise for others, I have felt more and more able to talk about my TTC and pregnancy journey and have started contributing to threads here in the LTTTC&AC section from time to time. And I think in time, when things are less raw, when you have developed your relationship with your baby and it helps to heal some of the raw emotion of what you went through, you may feel the same.

I'm very happy to hear that you have received much support and help for your AND&A and that you are feeling on top of things. Your post is a beautiful one, and I think many people will appreciate what you have said, even if they are not able to write words back to you. I hope the second half of your pregnancy is filled with wonder, joy and expectation of things to come and that the time to have your precious baby in your arms is soon over.

If you ever want someone to talk to about AND/PND&A I'm always a PM away And this offer stands for anyone here in the threads that would like to speak to someone else who has been anxious and depressed during and after their journey to become pregnant after LTTTC&AC, of course!

Acacia

[Persephone1]

When I got pregnant after our 4th treatment cycle (2 stims and 2 FETs) the only place I frequented was PregALTTTC, and I couldn't bring myself to contribute to the LTTTC&AC threads at all, let alone look at them. Part of it was guilt that I was forging on ahead and others that I cared for and knew how hard they were struggling in their own journeys I was leaving behind. And part of it was that the effects of our journey to get pregnant were so debilitating for me personally that I couldn't function properly enough in myself to think that I had anything to offer anyone in the LTTTC&AC threads any more.

Yes! That's exactly how I've felt. I've felt too guilty sometimes that I am a "success story" and don't want to upset anyone who is still TTC. I've also felt this pressure when speaking to my TTC friends IRL, because I think anyone TTC looks to the "success stories" for hope - and I've felt like I wasn't worthy to give them that.

Thank you Acacia for writing - it means a lot that I'm not alone in how I've been feeling or what I've experienced. Your response means a lot.

Seph

[Loula]

wow ladies reading both your post is so familiar! although i have not made an official announcement or got a ticker or amything in my sig to say i am pg, i have read your words and totally feel the same at the moment, (you two just write it better)

with the bleeding that i have been having for the last 4 weeks and the history if so many IVF cycles , and no pg symptoms i am finding it really hard to achknoweldge at all.

I couldnt think of what to write and was hoping to come back to a LTTCvent thread that i posted a few days ago. I want to support the women that have shared my pain and joys the ups and down, but am finding it hard, i dont want to be someone who is pg posting in a thread where they are still waiting. but i dont feel confident to move away from that either. (i hope that makes sence?). and many wonderful ladies ask me how i am and i find that hard to answer too. I hope that i will still be able to share my journey and give hope to others and be there if anyone has a question, but for now it is all very strange?

Both of you have written a lovely post and i can see that you both have written from the heart, Thank you

[JBM]

we are all so happy for you to get your BFP, it gives us hope.
a BIG congrats to you and good luck for the rest of the preg. xx