conflict with partners..differing views on handling things

[incomplete]

do any of you have conflict with partners over how you handle things?

I'll try and be brief. I avoid people and situations with babies. My husband doesn't. I haven't spoken to my SIL since about November last year, I posted here back then when I thought she was insensitive about telling us of her pregnancy. She's about 6 months now. There's no way I want to be around her. I said something today (via email which we know is not the best for communication and things coming across the way we mean, though I was awfu in the first instance and then followed up by saying that I still haven't forgiven them or forgotten about that night.) and my husband said don't email me anymore. I'm sick of your attitude.

I know I'm probably to the extreme with my avoidance of situations, but do you ever feel alone and that your partner just doesn't get it? Do they give you grief about things you may do or say? I'm expecting a hell of an argument tonight.

[farmgirl77]

it is a hard place to be in when you and your partner deal with this journey differently. Even now when we have our DS, my DH will say to people that he would have been able to live without having a baby (talk about knife through heart) - but he loves our little son and would kill anyone that went to hurt him now - but that connection did not occur until his birth. Unfortunatly, most (not all) men are not driven by the same desire to have babies as we are (until they arrive), and so deal with those around them very differently - yep they really are from Mars!

I guess what I'm trying to say - not that it prob will help - is that men and women will often deal with this journey very differently. At least if you know this you can have the conversation - acknowlege that you feel differently - but offer each other the support that you need. One bonus of you both dealing with things differently is that you can support the other when one of you feels like you are losing it and cant cope - turn a negative into a positive. Your DH needs to realise that even if he feels differently he needs to respect your feelings as being real and important - even if they are different from his. This is where communication is really important - and also not expecting even your DH to totally know what you are feeling, but you should expect him to respect it - just as you might not totally understand his perspective.

Re the email - the other thing that I learnt through this journey is that while we think about babies 24/7 - they dont, and they dont want to. Does not mean that they are not committed - again they just deal with it differently and compartmentalise - it can be a good copeing session. One bit of advice that our IVF counciler gave us was to dedicate 10 minutes of each day to talking about the journey we were on - eg. go for a walk, sit out in the garden etc (not over dinner or when watching TV). This means that you prioritise what you want to talk about (and stops us 'nagging'), and really focuses on what needs to be talked about - and stops most men going around the bend! It gives us peice of mind that we will have an opportunity to discuss what is important - and gets us off the email and SMS conversations which are just asking for miss understanding!

I'm sorry that this is such a ramble - I really hope that you and your DH did not have an argument last night.

FG

PS. When my SIL told us that she was PG with her second - before we were pg with DS - I broke into tears and stamped up and down the hallway shouting that it was not fair - DH just stared at me like I was some mad woman! The only way that I survived going into the hospital to see them when the baby was born was that I was about 8 wks pg with DS - if I had not had that to hold onto nothing would have got me into that room - nor should it. What you feel is normal and natural - and most of us (if not all) have felt the same along this journey!