36 years old and 2 years of TTC is getting very upsetting

[kbudgie]

Hi!

I am new to this forum but I am glad I am here as I realise I am not alone. Ok here is my story...

I am 36 years old and up until I turned 29 I told the world I was happy to not have kids. My then partner didnt want any and so I let myself beleive I didn't either. The year I was turing 30, I took stock and realised a few things, the man I was with for 6 years was not good for me and I needed to move on, i wanted children and I should stop trying to convince myself and everyone else that I did not.

Soon after my partner became my ex and I was free to move on and open myself up top being with someone with similar goals and interests, including wanting to have kids. Fast forward a few months and a man I had know through friends decided to move to where I was living. We hit it off and moved in and both felt like we were finally in the right relationship. We have similar interests and we both want children. Neither of us have kids from any previous relationships and with me being 36 and him 40, that is quite a thing (I used to think so anyway).

2 years ago in November 2010, my then Fiance says we should start trying for a baby. I was thrilled and excited and decided I would share the news with my friend only as I didn't want any pressure from mum asking how we were going etc.

In April 2011, my friend and confidant announces she is 13 weeks pregnant, they had been together only a short time and I felt so sad, maybe even betrayed that the whirlwind romance was bringing a baby to my friend when my fiance and I had been together for a few years already. Surely it should be my turn first?

1 year on from deciding to start trying and nothing, not 1 missed period, not a glimmer of hope. My friend had her baby in November last year and as much as I ws over the moon for her, I could not bring myself to go see them in hospital. I was just too heart broken thinking a whole year has gone by with no joy. Eventually her partner made sure we went to visit once they were home and so off we went. I saw this amazing and perfect little girl who i adored and loved before she was even born and it broke my heart a little more. My friend has never done anything to make me feel bad and we stood in her house and she and I cried together as she knew what I was feeling and could see my pain. She has never made any wild suggestions that other people make. She has encouraged me to seek help and soon after her daughter was born, I decided it was time to get help.

I spoke to my partner and his reponse after 12 months of trying and no luck was "we'll just keep trying" well by this time I am over 35 and everywhere I read seems to say if you are over 35 you should only wait 6 months before seeking help. My attitude was if there is anything wrong I need to know sooner rather than when it is too late to fix it. So we agreed we should start seeking help.

In December 2011 we started seeing doctors, I have had blood tests a couple of times and ultrasounds. In fact I seemed to have plenty of follicles and my hormone levels seem fine. Semen Analysis was done and yes the swimmers are good. So the next suggestion from my fiance is lets get our wedding planned and take our minds off of getting pregnant. (cause when you are TTC its so easy to forget right!) Anyway, our wedding date was set at the beginning of this year and we planned to get married in July. In April we had our last appt with the fertility specialist in Clayton and she tells us that next step is laparoscopy. A few days before the appt, our wedding venue informed me that they had to cancel our booking as they have had to cease trading. Ok so I have 3 months to go before the big day and no venue, fan-bloody-tastic! So in the clinic talking about laparoscopy, we decided to wait until after the wedding and maybe go on the public waiting list. Fast forward to September and I still have not gone on the waiting list. July is written off as the wedding was on and we had family here (yes the wedding was lovely and we or rather I sorted out a new venue in just under 4 weeks)

Now a girlfriend at work is TTC for number 2 and she has sort of been my accountability girl in that she kept checking up on me to see if I had gone on the waitign list yet. Yes we are officially on the waiting list for laparoscopy, D&C, Hysteroscopy etc (and I have to be honest I am scared) but when I called southern health to say yes I can be available at short notice, I did not feel very re-assured to be told as a cat 3 patient, i could be waiting more than a year for the laparoscopy.

This weekend DH has been avoiding me as I am quite down, eventually we talked and he thought he had done something wrong and didnt want me to yell at him but I explained through my tears that its now 2 years since we started ttc. He never talks about it and just seems to go through life month after month never asking never reading anything or understanding or sharing how he feels. I am feeling very depressed about it and confused as I have mostly avoided doing pregnancy tests until I was more than a few days late. I also told him that I was a few days early this month (not the first time its happened even though I was always very regular) and that I keep wondering if i was pregnant. I have had a few instances when I have come on a few days early or a few days late when I thought maybe but as I refused to test I dont know. The worst few days late was probably in Jan when I went wedding dress shopping and as much as I wanted to be pregnant, I needed to know for sure as i would need to change my dress plans for sure.

So that is pretty much where I am at. I feel better having written this down and I have stopped crying. I don't know if we should bite the bullet and pay to get laparoscopy done private but I think that is only the beginning of the expenses in TTC. It seems everytime we talk about it my now DH is worried about finances. My mum has offered to pay for the laparoscopy surgery expenses but he is too proud and I guess I kind of am too. We could cope with $2000 out of pocket if we had to but it has to be a joint descision. We don't really know where this will lead, if we will need iui or ivf or what the costs are likely to be so i guess that makes it even more scary. I also wonder if there are reasonable reasons I can get upgraded from class 3 on the waiting list as if it does take a year or more, I will be pushing 38 before we even have our 1st baby and I am already feeling so down about the situation. I have an ovu-trac and a maybe baby and I track cycles on an android app. I don't know much about temp and stuff it just seems all too complicated.

So thats me in a nut-shell (so sorry for the very long post) going nuts ttc for more than 2 years....

[Miss.B]

Hi hun and welcome to bellybelly I'm sorry you've had some struggles in the TTC department so far. I didn't meet my partner until I was 35 and we only started TTC for our first child when I was 38. My advice to you is don't wait too long. Get your lap done quicker, as if there is a problem hopefully it can be fixed soon and you can be on your road to conceive sooner. I've always been told by my FS that fertility really starts to fall after 38. We seemed to fall pg easily through IVF at 38 (IVF is our only way of conception unfortunately due to my partners failed vasectomy reversal) but have had some issues now at 42. If I had my chance again I would definitely start TTC a lot earlier than 38 (provided I was with a stable and loving partner) as I've always wanted 2 or 3 kids and now it looks like it could be just the one here on earth. GL hun.

[~TT40~]

*massive hugs* welcome!! everything you have felt is perfectly normal. even the feelings to other people getting pregnant and having babies. Im sorry to hear you are having to take this journey. not knowing why would make it worse. You will find a great group of supportive understanding women here. who unfortuantly have gone through the same thing, but know that we are here to hold your hand.
I agree with Miss.B too, the sooner you get the investigations the sooner you will know if there is a reason, and maybe, hopefully can do something about it. My only other advice is never give up hope. *hugs*

[Now we're 3]

Firstly big , welcome and sorry that it has to be this thread you start off on.

I was 38 when I got married having my DH later in life. We had been unofficially trying well prior to the wedding and then going for it after the wedding but nothing was happening and went see a FS late in 2006. Did the various tests and came back to say unexplained infertility. My FS said due to my age (38 going on 39) we should fast track to IVF. If I had been several years younger he would have recommended something like clomid and trying for six months but age wasn't on my side so straight to IVF. We started IVF in Jan / Feb 2007 and went through 4 unsuccesful rounds. They were successful in that I produced good number of eggs, had great fertilisation rates, great development for first four days but then on day 5 would come down to one which we could transfer. (Had one cycle which I got one put in and two frosties but the rest were all single transfers with no frosties). At the end of four cycles (begining of 2008) had Hysteroscopy which showed up nothing new. DH really wanted to go back in straight away and do another round but I couldn't - work at time was unbelievably stressful (early early stages of GFC and I work mortgage industry!) I kept putting off, despite me getting older, as I felt stress wasn't helping. Roll forward to Nov 2008 and due to GFC was made redundant. Decided to take summer off and destress and we did another round of IVF in the December. And bingo! fell pregnant. Same sort of result as before re number of eggs produced, fertilisation etc but this one stuck. I was a month after turning 41 when the transfer was done.

Sorry this was long winded but it says that it can work and it only takes one egg! You are right that as you move through the years the % chance of falling pregnant does drop dramatically. If possible I would get the various tests done privately so speed up the process. I know its difficult to accept your Mum's assistance in paying for it but think of it as being something for her (potential) grandchild rather than for you. She's offering because she loves you and want you to be happy.

Once you know the information it is so much easier to make a decision as to what you do from there.

Best of luck and remember it only takes one x

[myturn]

I'm about to turn 36 and have been TTC for nearly 3 years. We have private health, so that did pay for most of the costs associated with the Lap - but we are still out of pocket for lots of things. I agree with trying to get the lap done as soon as you can if possible. It may be that there are lots of costs with the IVF, but if you get the investigation done there may be something 'easy' that can be done first.

Worthwhile investigating whether the fertility clinic that just opened up in dandenong would be suitable for you - I believe the costs of IVF etc are pretty much just at bulk billing level..... not that you are at that place yet, but just in case....

big hugs lovely... it's a tough road when you don't know what's going on. I keep trying to tell myself I have time, I have time... but each birthday feels harder.

I hope you get some answers soon - and welcome to BB, there are lots of lovely people here who can help answer any and all your questions

in the meantime - be nice to yourself, and look after your relationship - that will be what gets you through xoxo

[kbudgie]

Thanks for your replies. I think we have to decide to get the Lap done and not wait forever. I am considering going to the local GP to see if they can check as I have had some very painful periods in the last few months to the point of not being able to go to work and that is just not normal for me. Maybe that will change the priority but if not we will look at getting the Lap done privately.

Myturn, I have not heard of the Dandenong clinic but we are not far from there so would be interested to know where it is.

I think its a good thing that my close friends and family know our situation now. We are going to my friends place this weekend for her daughters 1st birthday and after being singled out at her shower (the usual tick tock from my mum and her mum asking me when we were going to get on with it) they are all a little more considerate now. Though my mum still seems to think its ok to tell me that hubby and we just need to get on and shag like anything...

[myturn]

The lap might will probably be one if the things needed to investigate the painful periods too....

Hmmm. I don't know what the clinic us called, but jowhite in one if the LTTTC threads goes there I'm with Melbourne IVF, and go to the Mt Waverley clinic.

Maybe it's worth getting some private health insurance as well and while the waiting period will be a while, at least if you are still having trouble in 12 months that could help with some if the costs if needed.

Cone and join the LTTTC thread if you like - lots if people there at the moment all at different stages if their journey. xxx

[Bluewrenee]

Sorry to hear your going through this
it can be a very painful road, and what your feeling is completely natural but I would definitely suggest finding out sooner rather than later as not knowinb can lead to so much stress for you both but have you looked into a health fund at all? I know they r expensive but you could always just have a single cover which is what I have and some have shorter waiting lists than others. I joined Latrobe as they only had a 10 month obstetric wait and there was no exclusions as they only have top cover but was same cost as medium cover in other funds, but so far they have been fantastic as I was only with them for over 4 months and I had a missed miscarriage and they covered my d&c in the private even though I hadn't served my full waiting time they treated it as an emergency...so well worth a consideration if your heading into needing anything done might be quicker than waiting lists
Good luck I hope it l turns out well for you and I think you'll love BB I've only been here for a short time and found the girls so supportive

[kbudgie]

So I went to my GP and explained about the pains and the waiting list so she agreed to try and get us on to cat 2 list. Hopefully we will hear something soon. I have also decided to get in touch with the dandenong fertility clinic. closer and cheaper.

My friends daughters 1st birthday was today and I was ok, I feel like being here has given me some information that I can use to get things moving so it has made me feel like I can deal with being around people with babies, pregnant ladies and tv shows where everyone seems to be having kids.

[~TT40~]

glad things are moving for you (even if it is slowly). remember we are all here for you. best of luck getting further up the list.

[Starfish]

I just found this thread. Welcome to BB.

I could have written the first part of your post myself. I too told myself and everyone else that I never wanted children, but when I turned 30, that changed and I realised that I was just fooling myself and went through some major life changes.

I too had very painful periods. A laparoscopy showed that I had endometriosis, which they removed at the same time. I agree with everyone - get the lap done as soon as you can. Please don't let pride stand in your way if your mother is offering to pay (for the record, I borrowed money off my mother to get mine done, so there is really no shame in doing this). Good luck. Hope everything works out for you.

[kbudgie]

Hi Starfish, thanks for the welcome. I think we are about the get bumped up the waiting list so fx for that. I went to my local doc on Friday to discuss the pains etc and today I got a call from southern health to confirm my details after changing to my married name. Its a funny thing about turning 30 but here I am 6 years on and still waiting.

On another note, I got a tiny stab in the heart today as we heard one of DH's old friends today celebrated the birth of their 2nd baby, happy for them but sad for us though I think I am coping much better.