Scream, cry, vent! #2

Dear Mel
My heart reaches out to you for the way you are feeling right now. I understand where you are coming from and I agree wholeheartly. It is so damn hard -day in day out it is all we think about and it consumes us. Zapping our emotional and physical energy.

Adoption is not easy and not everyones answer to a baby. Some people have no idea what we go through to achieve our babydream - they suck at trying to give us advice - like relaxing will help !

I hope the future holds much happiness :hug:

Melbo,

I know exactly what you mean, me also being 37, I cop the "youre a bit old aren't you?" business, like I'm selfish wanting a baby at my age.

I've even had that said to me by Dr's!

And I know what you mean about those bloody baby isles at supermarkets, I just avoid them.

I have found that some people are just so insensetive to other poeples feelings. I have been TTC for 41 months now, and I still hear "just relax" or "it will happen when you least expect it", yes I would love to have a baby, but I don't think I would cope at having a baby when I'm 60!

Hang in there.

Love Ann

Mel,
:hugs:
I think it would be great for you to get those sentiments published in a newspaper or magazine. I really explains what infertility can do to people.

Mel,

I feel such a kinship to you right now it's not funny. But I carry different baggage in that I feel guilt because I've already had three kids, was capable of falling pg naturally, and threw it all away.

I too avoid the baby section in supermarkets, but my parents tell me that I'm selfish as I already have three beautiful kids, and to count my blessings.

Meanwhile my hubby (who has nothing wrong with him) is so desperate for a biological child, but still is so wonderful with his step kids. Better than their real dad ever was.

Sometimes I think I can't take anymore. That I'm being punished for having had it easy and taking it all for granted. That I've been given my quota of children and that I am selfish and greedy for wanting more.

Then I look at DH looking wistfully at prams at the Shopping Centre and I cannot explain how important it is for me to go on being strong.

Mel, I guess I'm trying to say that I understand your anguish even if it's coming from different directions. And if I were in Melbourne, you and I would be going out for coffee right now to ***** about life and how much it sucks sometimes.

:hug:

love
sushee

Yes Mel that is exactly it, and at the moment my feeling is strong because of a BFN. I was thinking yesterday afternoon that if anyone dare say something to me about IVF cuts I would take their head off. Now I can really understand because that is where we are going. No IVF, no baby. We may not need more than 3 in a year but what if?

I think I have finally got it into my DH about it 'taking over our lives'. He now understands that you can't help but think about it ever day- if you're not injecting, it's tablets or pessaries, EVERY SINGLE DAY! so how can you not think about it, or relax.
Well, I guess I'm going to enjoy my month off before moving to IVF.

Thanks Ladies, you are all wonderful. I know that only other people in our situation can understand how it is. I think the combination of too much work, the threat of funding cuts and the constant questions I've been getting from other people about the issue has stirred me up no end. It doesn't help that my first appointment is in about a week ... I couldn't believe the timing!!

Thanks again. You are just the best. :grouphug:

Oh Mel, honey, know how you are feeling right now. The majority of the time we stand strong with our brave faces and do our best to keep going, but ocassionally we melt.

And you are totally allowed to.

I know what you mean about feeling like your in a constant battle with your own body which refuses to do the one thing you have begged it to do.

I have been trying for 3 and a half years now and still peole who know and to whom I have explained there is a medical reason as to why I havent had any babies yet - they still insist on telling me, if I relax it'll happen... :fuming: :smt062

And totally understand the wanting to smash all the things down in the baby aisle...but it would be so much better if I had to buy it all because I was having a bub.

So Im having a not so great time at the moment either. I know my lap results were good, but in typical fashion for us, although everything is great for me, suddenly DHs numbers have gone down - reducing the chances yet again. Now we have to bloody wait for our house to settle so we can pay the $6000 it costs for our ICSI cycle...

hating the waiting.


Keen

Hey Keen,

I also hate the waiting, as I am not a patient person at the best of times.

But, won't the waiting be all worth it when we all get our little miricles?

Luv Ann

Yeah.... its just hard to take while you're going through it. But Im sure once it happens all the waiting will have been worth it and will feel like it almost never happened.


Keen

hi all,

I have had the most terrible last two weeks!

Not that feeling like crap with endo isn't crap enough my grandma passed away last monday. I went into work every day which i really shouldn't have. My boss was a total cow. She did not even bother to ask how i was or say sorry. I even had to come into work on the day of the funeral.

I was so upset by this that i took the saturday off. she then went around telling all the staff that my " obsession with getting pg" was getting in the way of work! Hello my granma just died the last thing on my mind was baby making. And i think this last month since i have been told i have endo was the first month i did not think about babies every day.

I don't know if i should confront haer about this as she has no idea that all the staff have told me. What do you wise ladies think i should do?


Thank you girls

racheal

Zap this-her behaviour is bordering on harassment and she has no right to disclose your personal details like mentioning 'baby making' to other staff. Totally unreasonable behaviour of anyone.

If you feel able to - I would speak to her or do you have a more senior supervisor. You should not have to put up with this.

This must be so awful to deal with - I am sorry for the loss of your Grandmother. :hugs:

Zap,

Firstly, I'm very sorry for the loss of your grandmother. It's always a sad thing but even harder for you now at this difficult time.

Your supervisor is behaving like a complete ***** and not knowing about your grandmother's passing doesn't excuse it. Not only has she betrayed your confidence but she's abusing her position. She needs to be set straight and I would confront her about it. Write down everything you want to say first to get it straight in your head. Do you suspect that the reason she has told other people is with the full knowledge that they would tell you? I'm guessing this may have been her motivation for doing it. But in any case, it is wrong and she needs to be made aware that you know. Do you have a union rep or harrassment officer? If so, could they attend the meeting with you? A witness is always handy.

If not possible, then just wait for a time when you feel strong enough to confront her.

I'm so sorry that you have to put up with insensitive clods like that at your workplace.

Let us know how it goes.

Love,

Mel

I am so early in the TTC stakes (13months) that I feel sometimes I shouldn't join in here but I agree with Mel about the insinuation that infertility & IVF is a result of choice. There was an article in Brisbanes Courier Mail last thursday that compared IVFers to wait for it... The BALI 9!!! Its title was "Make the choice, Pay the Price" claiming that women need IVF due to a choice to have a career first and they should therefore cop the cuts to funding as the Bali 9 made the choice to smuggle drugs and should therefore cop their sentance!!! I was livid. No one I know would willingly choose IVF and the % of women in this forum who need it due to career choice is what 0!!!
Phheww thats better

I also am trying to cope with the ten women around me who are pg or have newborns and I must say they don't help... Two of my 3 closest friends are pg and our partners (all 4) went out on Sunday so we girls decided to go to the markets which quickly turned into a baby and Maternity clothes shopping day! Don't get me wrong I don't want to be excluded from their pregnancies but come on!! 8 hours of baby shopping and they are the ones saying just don't think about it it will happen!!!
Ok I'm done thanks for the opportunity to get that out...
Love Shez xox

Oh Shezabelle,

You are not experiencing anything that we all haven't already been through. I know it doesn't help, but just remember that we are here for you, and this forum is really great for getting things off your chest.

So let rip girl!

Ann

Shez,

I just read about what you said about the Brisbane Courier Mail and wonder if there was a backlash about the subject from IVFers in Qld? I am going to look up their site to see if they have the editorial online as I am so deeply offended by being compared to drug traffickers (alleged) that I'm already composing my scathing letter to them.

I truly, honestly cannot understand why anyone thinks that they can editorialise about something they have no knowledge of, have no personal experience of, and worst of all, think that they can generalise about the thousands of women who are going through such a heartrenching journey as having made IVF a 'career choice'. You know, even if a women decided to wait to have a baby until she was more financially secure, how is that not being responsible, caring and capable? She would not have believed that later in life she would have so many problems...who does? Women fall pg all the time, whether they're 14 or 40. IVF is a medical issue, not a lifestyle issue. It's not like buying a pair of pants, for god's sake!

There are some very ignorant people out there.

love
sushee

To be honest Sushee I haven't picked up a paper since. I don't know anyone else in Brissy who is on the IVF journey so I haven't had the opportunity to talk to anyone about it. The same day there was a letter to the editor in support of IVF but as I say I haven't looked at the paper since.
Shez xox

Shez
that is outrageous what they wrote and comparing us to people out to make a buck$$$$ at expense of someone elses misery.

Many IVF'ers aren't even older - before their infertility is diagnosed, even so could have been there all along.Like those with Endo and PCOS or due to other male related issues - so not even a woman's career choice.

It is hard for others to understand when falling pg happens so easily for them. Hard they don't step into your shoes for a moment. We all need a chance to blow our tops when the going gets tough.

Sushee let us know what you dig up - we can all send them an email.

IVF a choice??!!! I can't even get an AF myself without medical intervention - so having a baby through IVF is definitely not my "choice"!!!! The narrow minded, half baked ideas of some stupid people amaze me.

Sorry ladies 8-[ I'm sure my outburst was helped by the fact that my rollercoaster is descending at lightspeed...anyone know where the brakes are??

Hi ladies

Boss from hell has struck again! She is now saying that i am consumed with my endo too much. I am going in for a lap next week i think i will resign after that i cannot bare to look her in the face any more.

It just really hurts to think that she can take something so personal and spread it around like idle gossip. I know once i confront her i will not be able to stay.

I am in the middle of finding out all that i am owed and i will be taking all of my sick leave for this op.

Thanks for the vent

Racheal.

Girls, just popping in to let you know that the LT TTC Vent Forum is now accessable if you've applied for it :D

Racheal,

there is something deeply and morally unethical about what your boss is doing. Does she have a supervisor that you can lodge a complaint with prior to resigning?

Love
sushee

Zap,

Just wanted to let you know that last August I was sacked from my job, for heading down the IVF track, or thinking about it. My boss who was pg with twins by IVF at the time, held a staff meeting after I left, and she told everyone that I was starting IVF and she had to let me go because I wouldn't be around much and I was going off to have babies, and the business would suffer. I have a major problem with this as, we hadn't told anyone about our plans, except asking my boss a few questions, and we were only thinking about IVF at that stage. When I asked her why I was being sacked she just shrugged her shoulders.

Stick it to your boss, it's unfair.

Ann (I'm still ****ed off with the whole situation)

Bl***y hell Ann that is just wrong, what your boss did is surely discrimination and/or wrongful dismissal. I hope you stuck it to her...

Ann,
I would still be very ****ed off too - she sounds like one screwed up b*&^% so best not to be around her probably. But a wrongful dismissal claim would be worth trying.
Rachael - that is an awful situation to be in. As the others suggested, I would go to a higher authority , if you are in a large enough organisation. Otherwise, if you can afford to and you don't really like the job probably taking all the sick leave and going is a good idea. But is it worth the hassle of trying to find another job?? It will make you think twice about telling people the truth in the next workplace.

OK girls, bear with me because I've been away from the internet for weeks, but of course I just have to respond to some of the stuff posted.

Mel, I'm not sure if I feel better or worse knowing that there are other women suffering exactly the same way I am. I absolutely agree with everything you said, and triply so about adoption.

Shez, can't believe that article. Now being a Brissy girl (well, kinda) myself I am embarassed to live here. Do the #@$!!@# government ministers want us to go down the US route, where we can only save up and afford (possibly) one single IVF cycle, whereby ALL embys are put back just to give the greated possible chance of a pregnancy? But unlike the US, good old Medicare would have to foot the bills for all the post-natal issues with higher order multiples. I mean, even if the government (mostly men) have NO IDEA much less COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING, can't they do their maths and realise how stupidly short-sighted they are being?


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hi all

***warning - irrational woman typing who will probably not make any sense but needs to get a bit of it off my chest***

I don't often venture into the LT TTC/Infertility/IVF section. We are not going through IVF, however we have been TTC for 18mths officially. So I feel I kinda fit in between the two TTC forums.

But I need to vent and here I am.

I hate how frustrating this whole process is. Why is it? Why is it that we have to go through this frustrating journey? I find it so frustrating that I can't fall pregnant - I am an intelligent person who can do anything that I want if I put my mind to it - except fall pregnant.

I have got to the stage that I can't stand going to family functions. I went to a 1st bday party last weekend and a 75th bday party. At the 1st bday party there were about 14 toddlers around, and I couldn't stand to be anywhere near all the children, I just wanted to sit in the corner away from them and their parents. Here I am sitting at a 1st bday party, when I have been trying to have a baby long before this baby was a twinkle in it's parents eyes.

Then I go to the 75th and I have all my younger cousins who have all fallen pregnant by mistake around me with their babies, and them asking me when am I going to start a family. Gee, never by the looks of it. And they look at me like I'm some kind of alien, because I'm older than them and they think that I am being selfish by having a career and not having children, like I am doing it on purpose.

I am jealous when people tell me they are pregnant. I am jealous when I hear that even Bec Cartwright is pregnant (both times! - IRL and on H&A). And I know that is *****y and horrible but I dont understand why it can't be that easy for me.

My mother rings me last night to tell me that one of my cousins had twins this week. 2 boys - her 7th & 8th children and she is 32. My whole family are reproducing at a high rate and here I am at home doing HPT's on 10DPO even though I knew that the result would be Negative and would lead to this disappointment.

I am not even looking forward to going back to my gyno because I have been hearing the same thing for over 5years about my PCOS, and I am not getting anywhere. I have been hearing for 15mths about how I should give it some more time trying naturally before we even think about any fertility treatment. If I hear it one more time when I go back to the gyno in 2wks then I think I will just give up on this whole TTC process and my stupid irregular cycles.

Sorry for my selfish rant and rave, but I had to get some of this frustration out. Feel free to ignore my horrible comments.

Arghhh - even my computer is punishing me tonight !

Belinda,

It's not selfish. Most of us feel as you are feeling now. It is completely normal to feel this way.

And don't worry about feeling like you don't belong in the thread. This thread is for all people who have been TTCing for whatever feels like too long, whether they are on IVF or not. I am only just about to start IVF myself. Plenty of us in here are doing AI, Clomid or just herbs and timed BD. All kinds!

Come chat with us when you feel the need.

Mel

Thanks Mel :)

I feel much calmer today. My DH and I have had a small chat about it all, and he thinks we should have a break from TTC because he said he doesn't like how I get so upset over it all. I don't feel that comfortable with that option, so I need to think about it all a bit longer. Sure it would be so easy to just give up and let go of the stress, but what if it never happens? I'm getting older not younger :)

But this cycle isn't over yet, so I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Belinda

Hi Belinda,
If you have PCOS wouldn't a reproductive endocrinologist be able to help more than a gynaecologist?? I think the REs are gynaecologists as well but have the extra qualification. I would go see one of them if I were you. Definitely very difficult for women to let go of the TTC stress.
Fingers crossed this is your month and we don't ever hear from you again (meant in the nicest possible way :) )

Hi Anney, thanks for your advise. I have been seeing a RE since July 2004 as well and following his advice. Maybe I'll try and get in to see him again soon before my next scheduled appt in August.

I also have a boss who doesn't look too favourable on me taking time off for all my Dr appts. You would think she would understand as she has told me that she had PCOS and it took her 7 years to conceive her 1st. :(

Yes, you would think she would be more sympathetic!

Yes, I just can't understand that attitude. You would expect her to be number one supporter

Hi Belinda - I too don't fit very well into either forum as I've only been TTC # 2 for 6 months but I know I will end up doing IVF as I did for #1. It's easy to say "let's take a break from TTC" but how the hell does one do this when 1000 things happen in a day to remind you that you are childless. There's no way I could ever stop thinking about it and relax like everyone said. We may as well give ourselves a labotomy (sp?) because that's the only thing that would stop us thinking about it. I remember how guilty I felt when I finally conceived on my first IVF cycle because my girlfriend was having similar issues and still hasn't been successful. But bloody hell - I deserved it - and so do you!! Don't ever give up hope because that's all we've got. If your're not happy with your gyno - bugger him - get a new one. I love mine (not literally). He gave me the facts about concieving naturally and said it would happen.... eventually, or I could get on with it and go straight down the IVF route and have a 50% chance of success (and it worked for me). Unfortunately it's not this easy for everyone but I wish I hadn't tortured myself for so long TTC naturally.

So basically I don't know what I'm trying to tell you except there are people here that are more than happy to listen and support each other. I guess we just have to pick ourselves up after each AF, dust ourselves off and start all over again every month. But honey when it happens (and it WILL happen) boy do we make the bestest mums in the WHOLE world cause we're tough!

See you in the TWW thread :hug:

Hi everyone,

Here we go............

My DH was diagnosed with 100% abnormal sperm a couple of weeks ago after TTC for almost a year. Mind you his parents had a good idea that he would be infertile as the dr's told them that when he was a child after a undescended testicle operation. I guess they didn't think it to be important enough to tell us!!

So, the only chance we have is with ICSI. I have been seeing a lovely IVF specialist at Melbourne IVF and am now booked in for the appt with Counsellor, Nurse and dr again on June 2nd and can then get things started after that.

I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter already(previous relationship) and realise how lucky I am to have her, but she's not getting any younger either and desperately wants a brother or sister.

I've been really spoilt this mothers day...bacon & eggs for brekky, a great book that my daughter made for me at school and heaps of cuddles.

I still feel a bit sad today............(probably selfish self pity)

Went out for lunch with the inlaws today and they are more than happy to sprout off about everyone who is pregnant or just had babies. Everyone seems to think that what we are beginning will be a walk in the park......I wish.

DH is devestated that it's his boys that won't swim and I try to reassure him that it'll all work out, but it's hard when you don't believe it yourself.

Is it normal to spend every waking hour thinking about having babies??

Thanks girls, I feel a lot better now

Ali

It is very normal to feel this way. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Unless someone has been through the experience of infertility, they don't understand how challenging it is to your self-image. It is very disheartening to not be able to do what so many others seem to do effortlessly.

Hugs to you and DH. I'm glad though that you also have your beautiful daughter. I'll bet she's a real sweetheart.

It is absolutely normal Ali. And can I also add that when I was 40 and pg. with number 1, I thought OK this is it, I will be happy with one. But already having one does not seem to make it any easier when you decide you want no. 2. Sorry, I don't mean to offend the girls that do not have a child as it does sound selfish compared to what you guys are going through, but just want to reassure Ali, that having one does not make the longing go away.

Thankyou for your replies. I'm relieved to know that this isn't just a selfish thing on my behalf, as being in this site, there are so many more girls just as desperate for a baby as me that don't yet have any children.

It does make it hard when you see so many people with babies that couldn't give two hoots about them, when we all so desperately want more children.

Thanks again

Ali :D

bbtrail,

When I began posting on BB, I too was really worried that as I've had three children naturally, and had a tubal ligation (which was unsuccessfully reversed) that that made me less deserving of falling pg as some of the girls here who have not yet had a child.

I do believe I would be made of stone if I didn't feel that way.

But you know what? I reckon the girls here not only understand my heartache from months and months of TTC, but they've never told me that I should consider myself lucky to have had kids before and they have never told me that my despair and anger about the unfairness of my failure to fall pg is unjustfied (though others outside this forum have)

These girls here are just the most wonderful bunch. They know how hard it is for them, and empathise with how hard it is for you, even when the circumstances are different. All of it (the BFNs) are heartbreaking, and therefore universal. It's painful not to be able to do something as 'simple' as fall pg to your 2nd child (or your 4th, as it is in my case)

Especially when it's been going on for years and years...

I love the girls here. They are truly my anchor to sanity.

love
sushee

Aww Sush, Im so glad you feel that way.

I personally have absolutely no hard feelings toward women who want more children, as opposed to those of us who are yet to conceive. I do believe that certain parts of the situations are different - but as is the case with every single individual in here. We are all going through so much the same, but yet so much in each of our lives is different - and thats what is so good about our being able to all get along and support one another.

Im not sure I would have done very well, mentally and emotionally, over the past 12 months or so if it werent for my dear friends from BB.



Keen