Sick of hearing....at least you have one!!! (secondary infertility)

[Lovenhope]

Who else feels the same?

As I read the threads I see many signatures that imply secondary infertility. I know there are lots of you.

I'm getting tired of people (including DH) constantly reminding me that I should be happy that I am fortunate enough to have one child. I totally agree that DS is absolute blessing if not a miracle.
However, I'm starting to feel that these comments are pushing aside and trying to ignore the hell that I have been through over the last two years. I too have had tests, losses, highs and lows that have really affected me physically and emotionally. Surely, I have the right to be affected by this and not settle with knowing... 'at least I have one'.

I guess I am hoping those LTTTCers #2 could share their feelings, experiences of secondary infertility to make me feel i'm not alone. Am I the only one getting these comments?

[Possums]

sandygirl- I dont have secondary infertility BUT i can understand why you would feel that way. You have had a hard time and you are also quite right to feel sad because your dream of another child is proving so difficult to realise. Your feelings are valid.
I guess people sometimes just try and find something positive to say (I get dumb comments too, not the same obviously, but trite comments which annoy me). Or maybe they really do think simply, lucky you have your DS. I know I said to a lady (myIVF nurse actually) who only has one child and after IVF cycles couldn't have a second and ended up settling with the one, that she was lucky she had that one. That was when I first started this process, and after going through more, and also listening to people like you on this site, I probably would phrase that differently now, and also acknowledge the suffering she has gone through, and loss of her ideal of two children etc

hang in there. hugs

[nicjay]

Hi sandygirl,

I am pg after 2 years of secondary infertility which included 2 miscarriages. I couldn't agree with you more, I got so sick of hearing at least you have DD....was almost ready to slap the next person who said it to me, and honestly even now I feel like the whole process has left me with permanent scars

I've heard it all too, just like you have, I have even had people make me feel like I am ungrateful for the child that I have As if, after everything that was happening, that I of all people would not be fully aware of what I am so lucky to have! I agree that these comments are dismissive and pushing aside what you are going through, but I also think too that sometimes people don't know what else to say KWIM? So they open their mouth and say the first thing that pops into the minds which is generally something pretty senseless (sorry Possums!! Nobody here ever said anything only people I know IRL)

It took us 12 months to conceive again after my second m/c and it was probably the worst year of our lives together. Finally after Clomid, IUI and IVF I am pg with a sibling for our precious DD, which in the end was our main reason for doing all of this which people seem to conveniently forget, but it was not an easy road. I got to the stage where I was just avoiding people (pretty easy when you have clinic appts all the time!!) because I could not deal with the comments anymore, secondary infertility can be so very isolating. I really felt like there were very few people out there that understood what I was going through.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way I hope you get your BFP real soon

[kittycat27]

hi sandygirl,

you are totally correct in what you are saying and thinking.
i am in the same boat as you.
i've been ttc for 3 yrs for #2.
my dd just turned 4. she is a miracle and also took 2 yrs to concieve.
but this does not take away the pain, heartache and frustration i feel about getting #2!
i am having my 6th iui tomorrow. i still have 2 embies on ice.

i have not lost friends, but i don't tell many of them what i am doing each month. some of them ask, and the others are just happy to hear what i tell them.
i can understand it would be hard for them to keep up the interest and enthusism that we have each month.

i don't know how you get your head around the fact that this may be "it".
my DH is worried about our age. i'm not.

so let's keep trying. keep positive. keep trying different things. and i am sure it will happen for us all!!!
as my new IVF acupuncturist says" you have a uterus, you are a women, you can do it"
bye
michelle

[MummaSue]

I don't suffer secondary infertility but can imagine how frustrating it is - with the dumb comments. I have primary infertility with one loss under my belt and I get "well at least you know you can get pregnant". Well, it took six years to get there, does that mean I have to wait another six years????

It seems that people always have something to say, some stupid comment to add, or what they feel are wise words.

If I don't know what to say, I say nothing. I just wish that others were like that too.

There is nothing wrong with wanting another child, a sibling for your DS.
I just wanted to offer my support.

S X

[Lovenhope]

Thanks girls for your replys. They all have definitely helped.

Possums- Thanks for your support and honesty. I was exactly the same prior to my TTC difficulties. I now see those with no children and those with one in a totally new light. you get your bundle very soon.

megsmum- Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sorry that you recognise the feeling but appreciate I am not alone. My first child was desperately wanted by both me and DH, but the desire to give my son a sibling is a different kind of need/want. Does that make sense? He is now 3 and is talking about babies a lot. I have never mentioned it so I don't know where it has come from. He keeps talking about a baby and giving things to the baby. Maybe he has met my angels in his dreams. It's really weird.

Kittycat- GL with the IUI tomorrow. I can relate to the friends thing; because most of them know that I've lost both tubes I've had a few questions about IVF. I have decided that my catch phrase will be 'I don't know when or if I will do it'. I just have to keep practising. I tend to blurt out way too much personal info to friends, family and colleagues and then regret it. Sending you lots of for your BFP.

Sue- I'm so sorry you are struggling with TTC. I have also had the "well at least you know you can get pregnant". I wish I could say back to them...'well I lost both tubes in the process so that's just great isn't it' . Thanks for your support and GL with your journey.

I think the overall issue is a lack of education and all your posts highlight this. I agree that it is hard for people to understand when they are not in the situation. They don't mean to be insensitive but it happens. i was thinking of emailing the link to 'empty arms' video clip to close family and friends with an attachment comment from me related to secondary infertility. Does this sound a bit crazy? I think it could be!

[Trillian]

I think it's an absolutely awful thing to say to someone, it really is. It shouldn't matter if you already have one, you want more and probably always wanted more before you knew that you would hvae fertility issues. My neighbour had twins back in October last year after secondary infertility troubles after their first DD was born 6yrs ago and they had to go throguh IVF to even get the twins and she said she coped that alot - and even once she was finally pg again and suffering horrendous morning sickness people still said awful things when she complained about her m/s and now, when she talks about going through it all again in the future (cause they always wanted a really large family) it's gone back to the 'oh but you have 3, isn't that enough now?' Its cruel.

[nicjay]

My first child was desperately wanted by both me and DH, but the desire to give my son a sibling is a different kind of need/want. Does that make sense?

Sandygirl, that makes total sense to me! That's exactly how I feel too. I really do not want my DD to grow up as an only child and she is pretty excited now at the prospect of being a big sister. I think in the end all we want to do is make our children as happy as possible, so that's why we persist through secondary infertility problems I guess.

I don't think people that haven't been there can ever understand, and I also think there is the assumption out there that if you have troubles with secondary infertility and keep going and don't give up that you are only doing it for yourself KWIM? Sounds like your DS will make a great big brother hope that he gets that chance very soon.

mummy2chloe - hun