Some of you might know that I recently had a hysterectomy after a tumor was found in one ovary and in my uterus. These coupled with positive ca125 tumor markers left us suspicious of a nasty growth. Pleased to say that all were benign but I had to have the hysterectomy.

So, the day of the surgery came and the anesthetist refused to put me to sleep as I have a history of having a myocardial infarction after Imogen's birth in October 2007. He felt I needed full cardiac work up first. I was rather annoyed at this as I had it all organised. In hospital Sunday pm. OT Monday morning. Home Friday. Neat - clean - simple and straight forward....

Anyway cardiac work up shows nothing abnormal and ot re scheduled for Wednesday at 5pm. I had a very ominous feeling going into ot both this day and two weeks later when I had the biopsies. I actually said to the anesthetist on the day of the biopsies that I felt I was going to have a stroke. He there thered me and I of course didn't...

Fast forward to the hysterectomy. Ominous feeling. I made sure I said my hellos and love yous to my kids... I felt that I didn't know if I was coming back. But I was not scared or afraid. I am not afraid of death or dying - just not a fan of the sadness it would cause those that love and cherish me!

Anyway I said to my doc who is a friend to me we have a beautiful relationship. I am thinking I won't wake up. She told me to just be quiet and take the drugs and let me do this thing...! (in a very kind,loving and humorous way that I share with her).

Anyway half way into the op my bp went way up - and would not come down. Finally it did come down with drugs - about 10 minutes later I went into asystole for long enough to cause much kerfuffle and stress in all involved.

My question... or questions...

I have always believed that when this happens we have been taken to impart some knowledge, strength that we do not have ready access to in this realm. But I don't feel any different. Only incredibly and incurably needing to know why I experienced what I did. I have a knowing that the reason is there but not yet sure what that reason is.

Sine then I have had a recurring dream. I get into a taxi and instead of a driver in the seat is the most beautiful clusters of chrystals they are huge. One clear quartz and one an amethyst...

Anyone have any ideas???