An angel named Alex

Hey Tootie,
DH & I were talking last nite & I had said to him how much I miss being PG & he asked if I wanted to TTC. I said no not yet & am now not sure if I've upset him or not. I mean part of me really wanted to say yes but another part of me knows that I'm not ready just yet. I am grateful he offered coz I know it is a big deal for him too, but don't really think he wanted me to say yes either, IYKWIM? As I said before I'm not really in the right min set to be saying yes just now anyway, think my body needs
some more time to get back to normal. Although I can understand how some people jump right back in after having a m/c to try & get PG again.
Am finding it hard to be around DH's friends who are expecting a baby & I sometimes think that DH thinks I am being silly. It's just that they are due only a short time from when Alex would have been due, am thrilled for them as it has taken them several years to conceive, just can't seem to find myself over the moon for them anymore. Is that selfish?
Anyway must be off to pick up James (he had a sleepover with his Grandma & Grandpa last nite)

Hi Kirsty,

I think if deep down you feel that you're not ready to TTC yet, then saying that to your DH when he asked you was the best thing. You really need to be completely honest with each other about how you feel about this, and even though part of you wanted to say yes, the fact that you said you weren't ready yet demonstrates that you are approaching that issue carefully and taking into account the signals that your body and mind are giving you. It's so important to listen to your own body and be honest about how you are feeling. I guess that's why some people TTC again immediately, and why others wait a while IYKWIM? Everybody is so different and that's why I can't emphasise enough that when the time is right for you, then the time is right.....what other people do is entirely their decision and based on their own circumstances and given that we all respond differently to these things, you really need to trust your own judgement. I think you have done the right thing by being honest with your DH about it and I'm sure he appreciates where you're coming from.

Personally I don't believe that you are being selfish by finding it difficult to be around your DH's friends who are expecting. As you pointed out, you are happy for them because it took them several years to conceive (which would have been very stressful for them no doubt), but the fact that their little one is due around the same time as Alex means that it is a very difficult situation for you to be in. I don't think you are being selfish at all - you are grieving and I'm sure that they would understand that. Are they the kind of people that you feel comfortable in talking to about this kind of thing? If so, perhaps you could say to them that you are really happy for them but are finding it difficult to cope right now because the EDD's are around the same time and it's a bit of a reminder for you of your loss? Perhaps by explaining it to them they will understand your situation more clearly? Sorry if that's not helpful...I'm just trying to think of a way that you could make sure that they understand your feelings.

Dear Tootie
DH's friends are really just that - DH's friends. I don't really have that much to do with them but I have found that his mate doesn't even like to discuss their PG with DH! He will often ask how Julie is doing & Andrew will just say she is fine, no more info than that, which I find a bit strange. Maybe they don't like to raise the fact that they are still having a baby while we are not. Anyway I suppose we will cope.
Am havign trouble understanding DH at the moment, ever since he raised the thought of TTC I have been thinking it over madly & last nite I asked him what he would say if I said I wanted to TTC. And this time he said no & that he thought I had made a valid point about not quite being in the right mind frame just yet. However he did say that he would like me to have another visit from AF first to make sure my cycle is back to normal & that then we would discuss it. So who knows, in one way I would like to TTC as sometimes I think that the longer I leave it the more time I have to dwell on what might happen, & then of course I go the other way & think that never will be too soon. He would also like to see my BP under control first (have had a few troubles with it during both my PG's & since Alex's birth) which is fair enough, so I guess we'll see. But now the fun will be getting him to open up & discuss it again, as now he has clammed up again.
Anyway hope all is going well with your PG & everything else.

kirsty, I too am finding being around pregnant friends really difficult. I found out another friend was pregnant and her due date is almost the same as our little moonbeams. I having also found out about a couple of others this week. I feel like it is my turn. I know I have been doing this way longer than them.

I know what wou mean about ttc again. I think DH and I just need to take the plunge, as I feel like I am not going to feel fully happy until we have a baby so there is no use waiting. Af has not arrived though 4 1/2 weeks after d &c. I really hoping I am not one of those people who it takes 4 months to return to, I may be mildly batty by then.

Anyway, hope you enjoy your day. Meg

Perhaps DH's friends do feel a bit awkward in discussing their PG with you. Some people can be like that, in that they don't want to say anything out of fear of upsetting you. If that's the case, it's nice of them to be concerned, but then I guess on the other hand you get annoyed that they are avoiding the situation IYKWIM? If you wait another cycle your cycle will probably be returning to normal and your body will be healing well, so perhaps your DH's suggestion is a valid one. It can be hard though when you're always in 2 minds about what is right, and half of you is saying that you want to TTC right now. It can be really hard to know what is right. All I can suggest is to go with what your gut is telling you? Often your first thoughts are the right ones, although sometimes after thinking about that for a while you wonder if you were being hasty! It can be so tricky! I sympathise with you that you're stuck in the situation where you're really not sure what you think is best on that front right now. I took one cycle off after my 2nd m/c and I know it was the best thing for me to do as it allowed me time to come to terms with things and to also ensure that the trauma my body had suffered physically, had healed IYKWIM. I wish you lots of luck with thinking things over so that you can work out exactly what is best for you.

Meg - after my 2nd m/c it took 5w for AF to return. I know it can drive you positively insane because once you make a decision on what you want to do, you don't want to wait. It can be longer with a D&C - up to 6w, but I'm hoping it returns earlier for you because I know you want to get cracking. So I'm hoping for a quick return of AF for you!

has generally taken between 4-6 weeks without d &c in the past

Thx guys, we talked some more last nite & are still none the wiser as to what we are going to do. Part of me really wants to TTC again now, but a huge part of me thinks we should wait & I think that is what we are going to do. At least maybe another 4-6wks, enough to have another visit from AF & get back to work. Which is next week & am starting to stress out about it a bit, but unless I try I'll never know if I can handle it or not.

Meg- great to hear from you, was starting to get worried about you but then saw you had been posting in TTC. I'm not sure about whether to start posting there yet or not. Part of me wants to but I think until we make our minds up for sure exactly when we are going to start to TTC I will wait. Hope all is going well for you & that AF is on her way so you guys can make a beautiful baby.

Trust your instincts Kirsty...perhaps if you have the stress of returning to work, you might like to consider focussing on that and dealing with that first and therefore waiting for another cycle before trying again? By that time you'll know how you feel about the work situation IYKWIM? Sometimes it helps to take things one step at a time, and if you're worried about work and TTC at the same time, it might make you feel worse and I'd hate to see that happen as you've been through enough! It can seem really overwhelming when there are too many things going on at once. I know that's how I felt last year, as I had an important exam I needed to study for, so I felt I should devote all my energy towards that, take a cycle off and then try again. It did me the world of good. So maybe try just one thing and get it sorted, wait for your next cycle and then go for it? Just a suggestion of course!

If you want to post in the TTC forum, then go ahead, as the girls are really really supportive. You can post there even though you haven't decided on what you're doing yet....everyone there will understand your concerns about trying again. On the other hand, if you feel it would be better to wait until you make your decision, then that's fine too - whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

Hey Kirsty,

Good advice again from Dr Tootie :)
Take things at your own speed, there's no need to rush anything.

Come join us in TTC when you feel ready, we'll do our best to help with the obsessing and the stressing and the waiting :)

agreed, good advice from mrs toots again. Maybe you should take work one day at a time. Start slow and don't be too hard on yourself if you need a break again. I know I am doing that and it has worked weel enough. I had a sickie today as I was just so sad again this morning, couldn't stop crying, so I just couldn't face it. So be kind to yourself, and take time out when you need it, and review where you're at each day.

Re ttc. You will know when it is the right time, because you will feel ready, trust your instincts. We would all love it if you came and posted with us in ttc. There is 3 of us in ttc that are not ttc, we are post m/c and waiting for AF. I know Chandra is resting for 2 cycles so she won't be ttc for a little while. Poor Zola is the only one who is actually ttc. The rest of us actually want AF to come! But post when you are ready.

Hi guys, have just come from our GP to check on my BP which is finally back to normal (although medication has done it). He said he has had a letter from the OB we saw in Warrnambool & that he has recommended that for our next PG we should be seen by a specialist (which we had planned to do anyway), & maintain a share care program with our GP. If that sounds weird let me explain a little bit - where we live there is only 1 OB (I find him to be an absolutely rude man with no bedside manner - we went to him when we first TTC with James after 12mths with no luck & he put me straight onto medication with no tests to find out what was going on & could never get any answers to anything from him) & my GP doesn't like him at all - he would prefer to send you to Warrnambool which is an hour away to see an OB. That is why we ended up in Warrnambool to deliver Alex. Anyway when we saw him a couple of weeks ago he said he would be willing to take on our PG care in conjunction with our GP, going to our GP to check things like BP & what not & he would take care of U/S & tests etc. We were worried initially how our GP would take our choice but he actually suggested we do that, so that has set our minds at ease as far as all that is concerned. Our GP has also suggested that I try to lose some weight (he would like to see me lose approx. 10kgs - which I am not upset to hear as I am going to WeightWatchers this week anyway & my goal is more like 15-20kgs. As you may be able to tell I am fairly overweight at the moment, actually have been for several years but with all that happened with Alex & James getting so much more active have decided I need to do it for me) to help with my BP while PG. Also that he would like to see us wait another couple of cycles before we start TTC as I have had an irregular cycle (which turned regular after being PG with James) in the past he wants to make sure it has stayed settled & that BP is still under control. So I guess in one way that is good as it makes our decision a little easier to make. So back to safe sex for now! Not that I mind as I have also picked up a urinary tract infection which is making life slightly uncomfortable at the moment.
Must be off for now, might see you in TTC sooner rather than later. Hope you are all keeping well.

Hey Kirsty,

Glad to hear that you and your GP are thinking along the same lines.

I hope everything goes well at WW for you.... I could use a little of that action too :)

Here's to it not taking us all long to get knocked up and to everything working out perfectly !!

That's great news about the BP Kirsty and that you are happy with the things you discussed with your GP. Sorry to hear that you've picked up a UTI - not pleasant! I hope it clears up for you soon as it can be pretty uncomfortable!

Hi guys, life is definetly on the improve! DH & I have finally had it out about all the b*&^hiness that has been going on in our household. The hardest thing for me to admit is that most of it is because I resent him for being able to move on so easily after Alex. I mean I know it isn't easy for him & that he still has moments where it is still hard for him, but to look at him & his actions you'd never know it. Life seems to have moved on for him, & I know it is horrible to say I resent my DH but it wasn't easy to admit either & it can't have been easy for him to hear. He reminded me that every marriage has it's problems but I thought we might have gotten further than 5mths into it before it happened. Oh well it is sorted now & hopefully things will continue to improve. I feel much better in myself too for finally telling him how I feel so here's to a much calmer lifestyle in our household from here on in.

Tootie- how is your PG going? You must be in the 3rd trimester by now! All I can say is that from here on in you know you will be able to hold a baby in your arms. Good luck!

Zola - hope you get the BFP that you are hoping for, do you have long to wait to know? Anyway have got my fingers crossed for you & sending you good vibes! I start WW tonite & am a little bit freaked by it but if it makes a PG easier next time round then it's all good.

Wishing you all a wonderful day

it sounds like it has been really good to get things out into the open, to let it all out and be completely honest. Don't people say that the first year of marriage is always the hardest and if you can survive that, you should be right. It sounds like you and DH have different coping strategies for stressful events. My DH and I are the same, but we do talk about it so it works OK, even if I don't like it, I do understand that he can't be like me. Hope you are enjoying the new calm you have in the house. Hope that awful burny wee has left you too, it's not much fun.

I am going to go and jump into bed. We lashed out and bought a new one and it is soooooo good! Chat soon.

I agree with Meg - it sounds like you have made some real progress by getting things out in the open. It can be really hard to admit things as you say, but you've done well to discuss the issues openly and honestly!

Absolutely every marriage has it's ups and downs, and even though you hit a rough patch at 5 months, I'm sure it will make you both stronger and wiser people for it. I'm sure that if you can get through this together, you will be able to face whatever life throws your way. It can be hard to see that at the time though!

I hope the UTI has cleared up too - ouchies!! I know that in the past until I could get to the Doctor I put a teaspoon of bicarb of soda in a glass of water and drank that - it really relieved the burniness and I wasn't going to the loo as much! It's only a temporary fix to help neutralise what's in your bladder, but it might be worth remembering for next time (hopefully there won't be one though LOL).

Enjoy your new bed Meg - sounds like bliss!!

Hi guys, just popping my head in here.. You can buy something called Ural in a supermarket. I think it comes in a green box.. Anyway it nuetralises the acidity of your urine and is useful for this sort of thing. It's in sachets that you dissolve in water, and doesn't taste too bad to drink. Hope that helps ;)

Hi guys, thanx for the advice about the UTI, I was lucky as I was going to see my Dr the next day anyway so I got some medication & it is now all gone- YAY!!!
Life has been much better since we cleared the air & I had to laugh at him saying "every marriage has its problems", I say laugh because we may only be 5mths into our marriage but we've been together for almost 10years! But we have just gotten home from an overnight stay at my Mum's in Port Fairy. So has been lovely just to go out to tea with my Mum & Stepdad & brother & his wife & have another 'Mum' to help take care of James so that I can enjoy some 'me' time.

Meg - I know how lovely a new bed can be, James has just gone into his 'big boy' bed (it's a king single so he is like a pimple on an elephants behind in it) & it is just so nice to curl up in his bed with a new mattress. We bought a new timber bed frame for ourselves a while ago but we need to replace the mattress & that will be done in the next month or so, once I've settled back in at work. Enjoy yourself in the new bed!

Tootie - hope all is well with you, once again thanx for some wonderful words. Hope tiger is going well & that life is good.

Zola - hope TTC is going okay for you guys, we have decided to wait another couple of cycles before we try again but sending lots of good thoughts your way & [-o< it doesn't take too long for a BFP to come your way.

Glad to hear things are looking up, Kirsty :)

Look forward to chatting in the TTC forum in a few months time :) The way we're going I'll still be there ;)

Kirsty,

After you responded to my post i came and read your story. I am so sorry that you had to lose Alex in such a painful way. My heart goes out to you.

In one post i noticed that you said that you have trouble being you and being strong enough to get through this. When i read this i just have to say that i feel exactly the same. I have tried to explain this to my mum (who had 9 miscarriages) that i dont feel like me anymore. She doesnt seem to understand but all i know is that my life is changed forever. So i totally get what you were saying there.

You wrote that you felt your husband seemed to be dealing with it so easily. I must admit that sometimes i look at my dh and i hear him talking to his friends on the phone and i think how can you sound so normal why dont you sound devestated like i am. The truth is that i know he is devestated but my husband is the eternal optimist (no matter what it is it will work out for the best) and he doesnt like to be sad. He has told me that he thinks about Katelyn everyday but he doesnt like to think about it too much as it upsets him so much. He doesnt want to cry like i do. But that doesnt mean that he loved her or misses her anyless than i do. So he deals with it in his way. We talk about Katelyn and our future everynight. Poor guy i am probably doing his head in. But that is what i need to do.

From what you have said it sounds like your hubby is similar to mine in the way they are dealing with it. Maybe its just a guy thing??? Its not that it doesnt affect them or they dont care. They do care very much (that is why they want to get preg again to have the joy of another baby).

i hope that you are having a good day today.

Kab

Kirsty,

Just a quick post to let you know that you are in my thoughts on this difficult day. I'm sending you heaps of big :hugs:. I am thinking of and remembering your little Angel Alex with you today. I hope you are doing ok. Just yell out if you need a chat...

Love

Dear Kirsty,

I had the day off yesterday but came on this morning and saw what a terrible day it must have been for you yesterday.

I wish i could fly over and give you a big hug and we could cry about Alex together.

He was and still is a very special little boy who will not be forgotten.

Just know that you are in my thoughts and i am sending you big hugs and having tears for little Alex.

Love Lots Sarah

Dear Becc & Sarah,
Thanx so much for your kind thoughts & wishes for yesterday. Am glad in one way that it is passed, I now kinda feel like I can really move on & concentrate on TTC & a new baby. Not that it lessens Alex any more or the fact that he will always be in my thoughts, just that I can move forward. I think DH will be pleased about that fact too. I guess I have been really apprehensive about it all & handled it much better than I was expecting too.
Must go have a million things to do. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate the things you girls have said & how much they mean to me.

Hi Kirsty,

Im so glad that you are feeling more positive today.

I have been told by several people that the lead up to the day is actually worse than the day itself but i guess that remains to be seen for me.

In a few weeks Katelyn's due date is coming up and i have thought about this alot. It is such a hard day to live through and i get tears just thinking about it.

One of my friends is also having a baby anyday now and that is playing on my mind also.

To be honest i love the fact that i am pregnant again and now i wish that i could have Katelyn and this baby (like they were twins or something).

I am planning to do something nice with Rowan on her special day and just spend the whole day being with her IYKWIM.

Sorry, really didnt mean to make that all about me, guess i was just trying to say that i think that you handled a very difficult day really well and i hope that i can get through it ok too.

Talk to you soon.

Love Sarah

Hi Kirsty & Sarah

Kirsty, I'm glad that you got through Wednesday ok. It sounds like you got a little bit of closure. I was the same. Like you said, it doesn't lessen our angels in the slightest but there is a sense of relief in getting past that day.

Sarah, I meant to say to you today that I was one of those people who found that the lead up to the EDD was worse than the actual day. I guess it was because to me, no day could ever be worse than the actual day that we lost our precious baby IYKWIM? Her EDD was still significant & important but when all was said & done, the date she was born became the important day for us. I will be thinking of you as Katelyn's EDD draws nearer & will be here whenever you need a chat.

I just wanted to say to you girls also that both your angels will live on in my memory as well as your own. Any time I hear the name Alex or Katelyn, (and I have heard both names on a number of occasions lately) I think of your precious angels.

Thinking of you both and sending you :hugs:

Once again thanx so much to you two. I too have friends (well they are DH's friends more than mine) who are due to have a baby any day now & part of me was hoping like hell that she didn't have it on Wednesday.
I was stressing big time about Alex's EDD, but I was more focused on the 23rd & had forgotten that our Dr had planned to deliver him by c-section. So in one way it was good because by the time I remembered it was here & I didn't have too much time to dwell on it all.

Sarah I'll be thinking of you for Katelyn's EDD as well. Take care of yourself & enjoy the day in whatever capacity you feel able.

Once again thanx & take care of yourselves.

Dear Kirsty and Bec,

Thanks guys.

Kirsty, One of my friends is about to have her baby any day now aswell, well i am friends with the father actually and he came in the other day and whilst he didnt talk to me about their new baby (he tries to understand how i feel and asks me about it) i heard him talking to the girls out the front because he didnt realise that i could hear. Its really hard, I am also struggling with that now because i have another 3 babies due within about a month of our new baby!

Well thanks again guys, Our babies will never be forgotten in our little group and i think of you and Alex and Georgia often.

Love Sarah

To my precious angel boy, Alex

Today is the first anniversary of your becoming our little angel & that alone carries many memories. Your Dad & I found ourselves unable to sleep until after 1:25am this morning, both of us seemed reluctant to sleep until we had past the time of your early entrance into this world, & even after it had passed I found sleep an uneasy companion. You bought us such happiness from the time we discovered you were to be a part of our family (you picked such a wonderful time to announce your presence to us ~ the eve of our marriage) & continued to do so in our every day. We dreamed of what sort of little person you would be, how you would interact with your big brother & what your life would hold for you, we are so very sorry that we never had the chance to fill your life with the same happiness that you bestowed upon us. You were ours such a short time & my only regret is that for whatever reason my body was unable to support & provide you with the nourishment you needed to be able to survive in our world. You are with me every day in my heart & my thoughts & I still miss you as much today as I did 12mths ago when they took you from my arms for the last time ~ that was the time when I discovered a heart could truly break. Slowly I have pieced it back together, but a part of it remains missing to this day ~ the part that is held by you. I treasure each & every day of the 18w & 5ds that my womb was your home & am truly sorry that it could not remain so. Every day I am reminded of what could have been when I look at your big brother playing, & my heart aches that he will never know the little brother that could have been. I am sure you would have been best of friends & a willing learner for the mischief that he would have taught you.

Know that we love you & miss you every day & that for ever & always you are in my heart & my thoughts.

Keep well my precious little man until we meet again.

Love always your Mummy, Daddy & big brother, James.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Kirsty
big big hugs to you and your family. We will grieve the tremendous loss of these precious littles lives till we die - they say it gets easier and I hope they are right.
They are beautiful words you have written that come from the heart.Little ~Alex~ in heaven is looking down in Love so proud of his special mum who brings comfort to others and friendship in their time of need.

Oh Kristy,

Angel my heart go out to you and DH.
:hug: I an't even begin to imagine what that would of been like for you, Im at a loss for words darlin' Im just so sorry.xxx We're all here for you. :grouphug: