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Thread: An angel named Alex

  1. #1
    kirsty Guest

    Default An angel named Alex

    This isn't exactly where I thought I would be posting but on Friday March 26th, 2004 we had a beautiful baby boy whom we named Alex. He was born at 18w5d gestation, weighing 250gms, after my waters broke & he had no fluid left around him. We had to make the hardest decision of our lives the day before as we were given 3 options. We could wait for mother nature to take its course, we could wait & see if the pregnancy would make it to a time where the baby could survive outside of the womb (& most likely die shortly after due to underdeveloped lungs) or to terminate. We decided to terminate as we have a 19mth old son & neither my hubby or I could go home & just wait for things to happen by themselves while playing with our son. They had to induce me to give birth to our little boy & the only thing that I am grateful for is that it was a relatively short labour (4.5hrs), however it was not a situation I was ever expecting to face. My hubby was & continues to be fantastic, while I continue to try & survive each day. There isn't a day I don't look at James & think how lucky I am, but at the same time I am remembering a little brother that he will never know. We are waiting on test results & go back to the OB on the 28th of this month to see if he can shed any more lite on why my waters broke so early. The hardest thing about the decision we made is that in the 2 U/S's we had done our babys' heart was beating away madly & perfectly, he fully expected that it would all be alright & I think that that is the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. I know we made a fully informed decision & basically the only one that we could make but that doesn't make it any easier. I am glad we got to hold him, see him & have foto's taken with him, but I miss him every day & wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to contemplate trying again.
    That is enough from me for now (especially as I can hardly see the screen through my tears)
    Thanx for letting me vent


  2. #2

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    Kirsty, I am so sorry for the loss of little Alex. It made me cry just reading your story, so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel right now. Just thought I'd let you know that I am thinking of you and your family during this hard time.

  3. #3

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    Oh Kirsty ((hugs)) I am crying bucket loads just reading your story. You are truly amazing for even sharing your story so soon after it happened. I hope you get some much needed answers.

    Lots of love

  4. #4
    meg Guest

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    kirsty, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know nothing I can say will make it better, that is just doesn't make sense that it has happened, that it is just devastating- that is all it is.

    I am sending you hugs. I have just experienced a loss many weeks earlier than you, but we never had a good prognosis. One bad scan, one more promising where we had a heartbeat but little growth, then m/c. I had only had that feeling of our little baby growing inside me for a few weeks and I already miss it, so I can imagine the emptiness and loss you feel right now. I hope your little Alex and my moonbeam are together, that they know that the mothers they chose loved them and wanted them to stay.

    I can provide you will mutual sadness and shared experience right now, but not much else. I know that you will know how it feels when you have trouble making it through each day by yourself, without the strength to provide anyone else with support. So all I can say is take care, you are in my thoughts and let yourself be wherever you need to be right now, even if it is in a deep pool of sadness.

    Meg

    m/c 8/03
    m/c 11/03
    m/c 1/04
    m/c 4/04 our little moonbeam, sadly missed

    our little angels

  5. #5
    Melinda Guest

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    Oh Kirsty, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Alex. I know nothing I can say can ease your sorrow at this terrible time, but please know that I am thinking of you and your family.

    I cannot possibly imagine how you must be feeling right now and how difficult it must have been for you to make the decision on what you should do. These situations are just so upsetting, and it truly renders me utterly speechless. I wish that there were some words that I could offer you to console or comfort you in just a small way. I can only tell you that I have suffered from 2 m/c and understand the devastation of losing a much loved baby, however, my situation just simply does not compare to the magnitude of your loss - I can't possibly imagine having to go through what you have been through. I am grateful that you have the love and support of a wonderful DH.

    If you want to chat at all, please come here and share your feelings if you feel comfortable - we'll do everything we can to support you at this difficult time.

    Thinking of you......

  6. #6

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    Kirsty, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Alex. If you need to vent, scream, cry, anything, we are hear to listen. Take care, Kirsty.

  7. #7
    kirsty Guest

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    To all who have sent their thoughts thank you. Today isn't a good day, we should have been 21wks today. It just doesn't seem fair, we were 18w5d when all this happened & I guess we thought that we were past the 12wk mark so all would be alright. I guess you just never know. The hardest thing for me at the moment is sometimes to look at my son, James. I know that must sound horrible, but the thing is that Alex was the spitting image of James & there are times when I am holding him while he is sleeping & he looks exactly like Alex did when I held him after he was born. I am also sick of people telling me that it is Mother Natures way, that there must have been something wrong with him, I swear if one more person says that they are likely to get a mouthful. Because to look at him he was so perfect. Gorgeous little fingers & toes with perfect little fingernails & toenails, I guess that makes it harder to come to grips with. I am so proud of my hubby to have stayed while Alex was born (in his own words he isn't good with blood & that sort of stuff) & that he saw him afterwards. Also the support my Mum showed us was unbelievable, she was there & cut the cord. She is a bit like me, she has good days & bad days. I just can't come to terms with the fact that you are given this most gorgeous & wonderful gift of a little life & now we are never going to get the chance to see him grow or what sort of person he would have become. Life goes on I know but it seems so damn hard to do it. I am also sick of people telling us we should be grateful we already have one. I am grateful & I know how lucky we are, but do they think they are making it any easier for me to cope! All I can think of is the fact that I should have been lucky enough to have 2 beautiful boys not the one that I have & the most precious angel baby that we do.
    Sorry I seem to get off track it is so easy done.
    I must be off for now, James is in need of some motherly love (or at least I need to give him some!!)

  8. #8

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    Kirsty give James an extra big hug for us

    Remember that you are still in our thoughts.

  9. #9
    Melinda Guest

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    Hi Kirsty,

    I too received the same kind of comments that you have received, i.e. that it was nature's way and that there must have been something wrong etc. I don't want to draw any kind of comparison between your situation and mine because there really isn't, but I certainly know that these kinds of comments are not at all useful at such a time and are highly offensive! I fully understand that some people really don't know what to say in these situations and so quite often say the wrong thing, but unfortunately saying that it was natures way or that there must have been something wrong is of absolutely no help whatsoever - you have still experienced the tremendous loss of a much loved baby and those comments don't make it 'alright' that you have experienced such devastating loss or make the loss any less. I found the best comments were simply to say 'I'm so sorry for your loss' - that way I knew people were thinking of us, and that was enough. Any further comments such as those that you received are not helpful at all.

    The fact that you have a beautiful and much loved son in James is not some kind of a consolation prize for your loss either - I can only imagine how upsetting it would be for people to be saying to you that you should be grateful for him - again it doesn't make your loss any less.

    I am thankful that you have the support of your DH and Mother and that you can share your grief together. I know you have a very tough journey ahead of you to get through this time - just know that we are all here for you whenever you need it.

  10. #10

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    Hey Kirsty,

    I'm really sorry for your loss of you beautiful baby boy. I've never made it past 12 weeks yet, but I felt such a strong bond with all my little ones. I know how horrible it feels to know that you will never get to know the little personality, or see them grow up and have kids of their own. And just because you already have one child, it doesn't make you love or miss your second any less. You are entitled to grieve for you loss for as long as you need to.

    *hugs* :hugs:

    I'm glad you've got a good support network around you, beacuse right now you really need it. If you need to post here every hour on the hour to feel a little better, then go for it. We're all here to suport you too.

  11. #11

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    i just read this post and i was in tears .. so sorry to hear about your little boy, i cant even imagine to understand how you feel..

    you must get sick of hearing everyone saying there sorry
    you sound like a very strong peron

    take care
    hugs
    Lesley

  12. #12
    Pietta Guest

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    When I read your post I couldnt believe your strength. Thank you for sharing this with us and allowing us to help you through this time. If you ever need someone to email just to vent or anything please feel free to email me- [email protected].

    I know it is like a broken record, but I am sorry for your loss and I got goosebumps and tears when I read your post. I hope you and your DH find all the support you need.

    Take Care.

  13. #13
    kirsty Guest

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    Am madly missing our little angel at the moment & am so lost in the thought of what might have been. DH, DS & I managed to get away this weekend just past & while it was great to go somewhere where no-one knows us or what has happened it was also very confronting. On Sat. we visited my younger brother & his partner who have a 10wk old baby boy & I was expecting to be a mess & not be able to deal with the baby at all. DH was expecting me to burst into tears just at the sight of him (& to be honest that was what I was expecting), in fact the opposite happened. I held him from the minute we got there until we left over 2hrs later. I wasn't so good afterwards though, as it just made me realise what we won't be doing in August like we should have been.
    I had a shocking night Friday night, after putting James to bed I just sat in the hallway outside his room & bawled my eyes out. DH came looking for me after about 15mins & got really worried about me. I guess I'm not coping as well as I thought I was, kept telling him I couldn't do it anymore (& I think he thought I meant I couldn't go on living anymore) & that I couldn't seem to do anything right. He however kept telling me that I'm a great mum & to just think about our beautiful boy. I don't think he really understands how scared I am to think about having another baby. I am scared that it will never go right again (James' pregnancy wasn't what I would really call alright either - my waters broke at 31wks & he was born by emergency c-section at 32wks. Though to look at him now you would never know he was 3lb13oz - 1.738kgs- when he was born). I think it really challenges my thinking & concept that once you are past 12wks you are SAFE. Never again will I think that the 12wk mark is some sort of magic mark (providing we are lucky enough to be able to have another baby that is) & once you get past it everything will be fine (sorry if I've scared anyone but this is just my thoughts). I will worry until I hold a healthy baby in my arms - again if we are lucky enough to be able.
    I feel like I am having trouble being me & being strong enough to do this, so am looking forward to our app. on 28th of this month with the OB to see what he has to say about what happened with Alexs' PG. On the other hand I am scared silly that he may say we can never have another baby. So am working myself slowly, day by day, into a blithering mess. Have to work out a better way to deal with it.
    Also have to ask, does anyone else find themselves going from nice to ***** in 2secs? I am finding myself doing it a lot lately & poor DH seems to be on the receiving end of it all!

    Tootie if you read this, would love to know how far along you are with 'tiger'? Hope it is all going great for you & you are keeping well.

    Thanx for putting up with my rather long vent today, but sometimes feel like this is the best place to let it all out.

  14. #14

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    Kirsty I am so pleased that you were able to enjoy visiting your nephew on the weekend. While afterwards may not have been so good, I am impressed that you were strong enough while you were there, I think that is a big step forwards.

    You poor thing, no wonder you are so scared of getting pg again after your bad experiences so far. I hadn't realised that James was also born very early. I hope that that your OB will be able to give you some information as to why this is all happening to you & hopefully together you can fix it so that when you are ready you won't have to go through all of this again.

    We are more that happy to "put up" with your venting Kirsty. If venting here is helping you get through the tough times I am sure noone minds - I'm just glad that you are finding that it helps, even if it is just a little bit.

  15. #15
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Kirsty,

    I hear you regarding the nice to ***** in 2 seconds flat scenario!! I was all over the place and I swear DH never knew what to expect from me from one minute to the next. One minute I would be leaning on him and crying and the next I would be screaming and yelling and the next I would be cuddling him! The thing is that it is always easiest to lash out at those closest to you, so of course that means DH is the no. 1 target! I know that a certain element of it is hormonal (and god help anyone who said that to me at the time because that really made me want to rip their heads clean off as it felt to me like they were trying to brush aside my grief!) because in all honesty I know that your hormones are going a bit haywire after this kind of tragedy, but there is so much grief in there too, which when combined with so many other mixed emotions of guilt, anger, saddness, loneliness etc - it makes for quite a nasty outburst at times and I too felt like I simply did not have the strength to do it anymore. In time those feelings retreated just a little bit....and then a little bit more....until I was in a space where I could think about what to do next. These feelings you are going through right now are just so all-consuming and it feels like one long nightmare that just doesn't seem to end. One day it will start to feel a little easier....maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week or even next month, but in time I'm sure you will. I don't think anyone ever gets over the loss of a child or a loved one, rather they learn to cope with it IYKWIM.....and by that I mean it becomes a bit easier to get up in the morning and to go through the motions. The pain becomes a little less intense, but you never EVER forget or stop loving or missing them as much as you do right now.

    I'm like you in that because of my experiences I don't see the 12w mark as some kind of magical point in a PG. Whilst my losses have been before this time, I still don't ever feel that there is a 'safe' point - I worry about every little thing and don't think I will ever be stress-free.

    I think you should be really proud of yourself for how you handled the situation with your new nephew. I cannot possibly imagine how hard that would have been for you, and the fact that you held it together at that time is a tremendous achievement. Don't feel bad that you weren't so good afterwards - it's totally understandable that it would make you think even more about Alex and that 'that should be you soon'. To tell you the truth, even though I am now approaching 24w on Thursday, people still seem to make the mistake that just because I'm PG and it's going along ok, that it somehow makes everything better. It certainly doesn't. I still see little newborns and I think how I should have given birth in February and that I should already be pushing a pram. I'm always thinking 'that should have been me'. I'm so eternally thankful for our little tiger and always will be, but I still miss my little angels each and every day and I don't/won't/can't see our little one as a replacement for them - that's simply not possible. I guess from all of that I'm trying to say that it seems fairly common for those of us who have been down this path to have these feelings of 'should haves' and 'what ifs' and that if/when you TTC again, you probably still will. I don't mean to frighten you by that, and I can tell you that they're less intense, but still there, or at least they are for me.

    Don't ever apologise for using these forums to vent - it's exactly what they are here for and sometimes it really helps to be able to get things off your chest. Just know that we care and will read your posts and support you in whatever way we can.

  16. #16
    meg Guest

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    once again kirsty, you should be so proud of how you did with your little nephew. It must of taken alot of courage, both during and after the time you spent, when you were able to reflect on the experience.

    I know what you mean about fluctuating emotions, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, that I am feeling better and then someone asks me how I am, or makes a simple comment, or something reminds me of our loss (and there are lots of those) and I get really sad again. I really snapped at DH the other day which I don't noramlly do. I was really upset and he asked when my counsellor appt was, and it was just bad timing, and I snapped into, "do you think I am a crackpot or something" mode.

    I agree with tootie that you can move on, but you can never forget. I don't think we should even try to forget as we should remember these little souls that have touched us. Whilst I am not in the physical sense, I don't feel like I have been a mother emotionally to these souls, and that the have changed me and that they have left me with something. Sometimes I feel like they have left me with a war wound, but most of the time, I feel that they have left me with something special, something I can't describe with words. I know that ttc will be really hard, and I know a little bit of me wants to hold back from committing just to see that it is going to be alright so I don't get as hurt. But I know at the same time, that each little soul deserves as much love as it can possibly get and that I can't hold back and not let myself emotionally attach, if I get hurt, it just has to be that way. I do feel blessed that I have had these little souls come into my life, even if it was just for a short time. It is amazing when I talk to women who have had m/cs years ago who still say that they never forget, it is like noone ever can, that they are changed forever.

    I can totally understand why you are worried, considering your experiences not just with Alex, but with James also. I hope the ob has some answers, some positive ones, it sounds like you really need to know why this is happening. We are also awaiting some test results, and it is amazing what tricks my mind can play on me trawling through all the possibilities, it is hard to slow it down at times.

    Keeping hanging in there, and hoping today is a little easier than yesterday for you, Meg

  17. #17
    kirsty Guest

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    thanx for the support, today not really much better as it is 4wks ago today that the whole situation really occurred. Well it is the 2nd time that my waters had gone (I also experienced the same thing on 13th of March- only difference being an U/S showed that our baby still had fluid around it & my cervix was still closed) & the start of our rollercoaster. Each day does get slightly easier but at the moment it doesn't take much for the tears to start. I find myself rubbing my belly only to stop when I realise there is no point as our little angel is no longer there. Am really missing being pregnant (sore boobs, uncomfortable nites sleep & all!) & the feeling of our little man being in there, as I had just started to feel his kicks & movements. So that side of it is hard. Am still dreading the app. with the OB next Wed & what he might say. DH is being great but I am starting to feel a bit pressured to say that we'll jump back on the wagon & try for another baby already (think this may be coming not so much from him as from other guys that he has been talking to - you know the good old "have another one & she'll be right mate"). I know he is worried about ages as he is 37 & I am 30 but keep trying to tell him that another 6mths won't make that big a difference in the long run. Am really getting sick of people saying how lucky we are to have James, as if we have forgotten that. Just can't help feeling that they should understand that we should be lucky enough to have James & Alex healthy. But as some have been honest enough to say they don't really understand so don't really know what to say or how we feel. So my thinking is if you think you would say the wrong thing then don't say anything at all. But enough of that, DH just home from work so must go.

    Tootie- if you read this hope all is still going well for you & you are going great!

    Meg - hope things are looking up for you, keep strong & lots of cyber hugs :hugs: coming your way.

    To everyone else hope life is good

  18. #18
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Kirsty,

    Yep, guys definitely deal with this is an entirely different way to us. I know a lot of it is the physical aspect of it (that we talked about before) but I also think that a lot of guys have trouble coming to grips with the emotional side of it and therefore try to brush it aside as quickly as possible. I don't mean that in a bad way, i.e that they don't care, as they certainly do, but I think sometimes that they don't want to be seen to be emotional or grieving because it's just not what men do, and they feel that their role is to stay strong for you IYKWIM?? It's a hard situation because whilst it's great to have someone who is strong through the hard times, sometimes all you really need is for them to cry with you IYKWIM, rather than try and be tough about it. It's just their nature unfortunately and I don't know as any of us can change that no matter how much we might try. My DH cried once and that was it - after that I knew things were taking a toll on him but he tried to brush everything aside. It was a hard time on both of us, but we battled through.

    I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have people tell you that you should be thankful for James. It's just like you say - as if you weren't for goodness sake! He is not a consolation prize and it doesn't lessen the loss of Alex in any way. I'm so sorry that you're receiving these kinds of comments as I know they don't help. I admire the people who have said to you that they don't understand so are unsure of what to say or how you feel - it's great that they have been honest with you and it demonstrates to me that these people are highly concerned about you and are thinking of your feelings. Some people really don't know what to say and I found it a relief when people acknowledged that because at least I knew they were trying to consider our feelings rather than saying something like "it's natures way" which can be quite hurtful. I don't think anyone ever means to be hurtful by these comments, but because they don't understand the situation or don't think quite as much about it, they have a tendency to say these kind of things without thinking first. I positively HATED these kinds of comments and would fluctuate between wanting to really rip into people about it and being rendered totally speechless.

    I'm not sure what to suggest about TTC again and that you feel pressured. I can only suggest that perhaps if you're feeling pressured it isn't a good time as you really need to prepare yourself emotionally for the journey and when you have things so fresh in your mind, it can be pretty hard. Maybe when you feel that you can talk about it some more with your DH, you should go over these issues so that he fully understands your feelings on it, as opposed to the thoughts he has received from some of his friends IYKWIM? You may need to discuss it several times (in fact I'm 100% positive that you will) before you are both in agreement about what you should do, and are both comfortable with that. It can be hard when you're in different 'places' emotionally but with lots of talking about your feelings I'm sure you will get there.

    Holy cow...I've rambled on tonight! Sorry Kirsty! Hope you're still awake after reading all that!!!

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