Hey girls I'm a bit lost and trying to keep it together and pick up the pieces of myself.
I was once a happy person! Before my ttc journey ( our journey I guess) I was a happy and healthy lady I'd sculpt and sew and go dancing with my gfs regularly and even was so slim I was a swimwear model part time ! .... Not anymore! All the fertility meds have wreaked their havoc on my body!
All the crazy hormones and ttc stress has kinda crushed my spirit. I try to battle on still!
Now this last holiday we took in early January to Fraser island was different I went to the camp loo to take a pg test to rule out preg because I wanted to stop taking the messy progesterone pessaries! I was expecting a bfn as usual.
Imagine my suprise when I saw the faintest sec line at only 9dpo! But I was like yeah right we will see if it gets darker as I've had so many chem pgs that fade away . But kept up the progesterone anyway.
Imagine my suprise when tests kept getting darker!
I dared to hope!
But we had to cut our holiday short to get more progesterone being I didn't think I'd need any more!
Kept taking more tests once home and got a bt that said I had good hcg # of 173 at 13dpo.
And next week it was great too going up to 951.
The nurse said they didn't see any probs with those numbers and it should stick around.
I kinda got excited a little allowed myself to dream we had finally after 3 yrs of ttc heart ache that this was our lucky little one.
Fast fwd to 2wks ago on Australia day afternoon
I was relaxing watching tv feeling pg and happy and with no warning I got up and felt a gush!
Looked down and I was bleeding all over carpet!
I panicked ran to loo and blood was all over the place I was scared I was only 5 1/2 weeks and didn't think I'd lose so much blood! My friend took me strait to emergency where they told me I was probably having a MC and kept me for a while to monitor my blood loss being it was unusually a lot and hooked me up to iv incase I needed pain meds or transfision! Weird thing was I had no cramping ever and no physical pain really.

When I went to do urine sample a massive clot the size of my hand with my fingers pointed together came out. I freaked out and thought that was it it's all over now :-(
I was worried they would take my uterus out to stop the bleeding!
But after clot came out the blood settled down and they told me to go home and get ultrasound in morning to make sure there was nothing left in me :-(. Next day imagine my suprise when they looked on the scan and bub was still there and looked fine!
And when Monash rang me with my hcg and said it all was looking good! My hcg was 11000.
I thought omg this bub is a fighter it's gotta work!
I never prayed so hard.
Next Fridays BT said not so good hcg has dropped and after so much blood loss and I was dehydrated that could affect results so wait for a restest on Monday.... Pure torture! I prayed and prayed every waking moment. I was a ball of nerves.
I kept getting all pg symptoms and swore this bub was a fighter and when on monday they rang me with my next BT results I was told the hcg had indeed gone up!! Another miracle! I thought yes this is it!
Told to get scan in morning...
Went into scan believing that we would see our "miracle" was just fine (but scared as hell!) But my heart sank when the ultrasound tech said I'm sorry but the sac is irregular shaped now and there is no sign of life"
I was told to gp home and rest up to prepare to misscarry :-(.
I was so numb now, after baby gone/baby fine/baby not fine/baby fine/baby now waiting to mc!!
I just turned into a robot.
So I stopped my progesterone that night. Last Tuesday and I have not started to bleed yet.
I still feel preg!
I'm kinda in denial waiting for them to tell me oh it's just fine now, we were wrong! :-/.
I have another BT in the morning guess it will sink in then.
This is miscarriage #7 and I can't believe I've now had so many! Is there anyone who's had so many and actually had a healthy bub??
I feel like an idiot now ttc still after so long and so many losses like I'm being dumb :-(
But still feel there is a live baby for us out there!