A year ago today...

[JennaJayen]

A year ago today I was just starting a new cycle... the one hat would give me my DD...
A year ago today I would have given anything to be pregnant...
A year ago today I was ready to give up and forget about having another baby.

One year later, today, I have recently lost my 7th angel.

On the 5th of June I had some pink spotting, I O'd on CD13, and the spotting came on CD19, most likely it was implantation occuring.
Last friday morning I had a very faint positive on a test with FMU, followed by a second very faint positive with 2nd MU. By that night I had started bleeding, not my usual AF bleeding, but bright red, and I was in so much pain. The next day the test was negative.

It was our fault really, hubby forgot to buy condoms and I should have said no, but you know how it is when you get carried away after spending most of a pregnancy hardly DTD at all - first because of the chance of bleeding, and then later because I just didn't feel like it - we hadn't planned on having more than 2 kids, but after having our DD I had decided that I wanted at least one more - in like 3-5 years time!

It was too soon, DD was only 10.5wks old, we are still getting used to having a newborn and cranky 2.5yr old in the same house.

We had been hoping that the spotting was just me ovulating instead of implantation, but 2 tests using 2 different samples can't lie, right? When the bleeding started I had just started to come to terms with the fact that we would be having another bub, sooner than planned, but still, another baby to love and cherish and help to finish the healing process that I been undergoing since having DD.

Now I feel:
guilty - for not wanting to be pregnant again so soon;
sad - because I don't get to grow that little life inside me, to feel it move and have the hiccups, to relish the feeling of being pregnant again, with the HG I get every pregnancy and all;
frustrated - that my body has failed once again to do this one thing that it is designed to do, to lose 7 out of 9 pregnancies for one reason or another isn't normal, yet all the tests I have had so far have shown that nothing is wrong with me, all the doctors I have seen have told me the same thing "you're young, it's just bad luck, you have many more years ahead of you to have children", for f's sake, I'm only 23, soon to be 24, I've lost 7 and been pregnant 9 times in the last 6 years, something has to be wrong somewhere inside me ;
disappointed - that this may have been the last chance that I would have had to have another child, hubby is going to be booking in to get a referral to have a vasectomy(sp?) soon, so once that is done there will be no more babies for me
and most confusingly of all:
happy that I'm not pregnant again so soon, that I don't have to be stressed out all the time being pregnant with a cranky 2.5yr old and the most gorgeous little girl who needs all my love and attention as well.

I don't really know what to feel, or how I should feel. I haven't even cried yet, I haven't had the chance. There is always too much to do, the kids need attention, hubby needs me to help with the housework, I need to cook for me and DS, feed DD, do dishes, put loads of washing on, and then do what I do as a WAHM...

I'm in a better place now than I was on friday night, but I'm still not back to where I was before this happened. I want to be happy again, without all the pain from the cramping, and the emotional pain too.

Sorry for all of this, but I just needed to get it all out.