Here I am again.

Kirsty, lamb chop,

I just want to reinforce to you that I am always here for you. Please know that I am only ever a phone call away - night or day. I wish that I could be with you to help you through this time but unfortunately I can't. I wish that I had some soothing words to ease your pain - but nothing I can say can ever ease the hurt. BUT......I am always willing to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on - whatever you need, whenever you need it.

I'm sorry I've not been in touch the past few days - but I'll be picking up the phone in the next 48 hours ok?

All my love to you......

Thanx Mel you are a lifesaver. I'm doing ok emotionally, in fact I feel kinda guilty sometimes coz I don't feel that I am grieving as strongly over speckle as much as I did with Alex. I do know that I still have got time for it to hit me like a ton of bricks as we deal with the PM results & speckle's cremation. But there are almost times when I feel totally at peace with what happened to speckle & can talk & think about him/her without bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. Part of me feels so bad that I seem to be able to do this this time around.

Oh well I guess we just keep putting one foot in front of the other & take each day as it comes for the time being.

Good luck for this afternoon hun, I am thinking of you and remember you don't have to talk to them about it if you don't want to, they are only there to listen if you want to talk. Talk to whoever you feel right talking to, even talking to a close friend (like Mel) can do you the world of good, not all professionals are ideal in every circumstance.

Don't feel guilty about not grieving, not everyone grieves and not everyone grieves immediately. You will deal with this all eventually and in your own way.

Huge :hug: to you.

Kirsty,

You have been in my thoughts a lot lately and I have wondered many times how you are doing. I am glad to hear that you are doing ok emotionally. Please don't feel guilty for feeling this way. Every loss is different and is grieved in a unique way. You need to go with what feels right for you. And if the time comes that it does "hit you like a ton of bricks" we will be here for you.

I hope your session with the counsellor went ok this afternoon and maybe even helped a little.

Thinking of you...

Kirsty

I hope you are doing well. You are in my thoughts.

Love to you all
Tanya

Well the counsellor was fantastic. Gave us both some great tips about how to deal with all that we are going through ~ especially for DH to try & understand how I am going. As he said because men aren't as emotionally attached to our babies until they are born then it is easy for them to forget that we women may still be having trouble coming to terms with what has happened. He did tell me that I need to stop trying to be so strong for everyone else & let it all out once in a while & that I need to cry & cry & cry over the loss of this precious baby & all the hopes & dreams that we begin to imagine for them the minute we know we are pregnant. So it all made perfect sense for us. We are seeing him again in a fortnite which I think will do us the world of good. We never got joint counselling after we lost Alex, in fact DH never got any counselling & I only went a few times, so we are hoping that this will make the transition time after our loss a bit easier. After Alex we were seriously starting to get into some serious marital trouble so here's hoping we manage to avoid this this time around by reaching out & getting the help that we need.

Oh I am so glad to hear that things went so well. It sounds like it was the best thing to do for the both of you and I don't thinkyour relationship will be effected this time. You and your DH are open to this counselling and your DH is opening up, I think as long as you keep the communication lines open and listen to one another everything will be wonderful :hug:

Well I just got a phone call from one of the Dr's at the hospital with some of the preliminary PM results. Speckle was born weighing & measuring gestation age of approx. 14wks, had kidneys & most likely cause of FIUD was due to true knot in cord & cord being around bubs neck.

Now we have to wait for chromosomal testing to find out if there were any abnormalities there & whether we have a son or a daughter.

I have no words I just wanted to send you lots of :hugs:

Kirsty
I am glad your counselling session helped. I recently had my first and it does help you sort through things.
I am sorry about Speckle's cord accident - so tragic but an answer of sorts.But not why these dreadful things happen in first place.

"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks born still ~♥~"

Dear Kirsty,

Thankyou for sharing the journey that you and Speckle took together. Having an answer can help in the process. It sounds like you have that and that is such a good thing.

It will be really nice for you to get all your results in and to find if you have a son angel or a daughter angel.

This is a difficult time and none of my words will truly be able to express how deeply I feel for you and your family.

Be kind to yourself and gentle with each other as you go through the process of grieving for your lost baby. Remember to truly feel whatever feelings and thoughts come to you.

Just know how much love you have around you all over the country.

You are amazing, caring and have so much love...

All my love and strength to you sweatheart,
Deb

Okay thought I was doing okay but DH has just been inside to say that the phone call we just got was from the funeral directors & that they are going to Melbourne to pick up speckle's remains tonite & we have to go to Warrnambool on Monday to sign a cremation release form.

This is just so unfair I don't want to have to be dealing with this. I just so miss my baby ~ guess this is a hit me like a ton of bricks day today after all.

Ohhhhh Kirsty - ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) ))) :hug:

oh kirsty I am constantly overwhelmed at how strong you are. Everytime I read about what you are going through I can't understand how and why it had to happen to your family. *hugs*

Well here's to another day gone down the tubes!!

Just when we were on a high from selling our house yesterday we get the mail this morning & in it is a letter from the funeral directors in Ballarat enclosing our little speckle's cremation confirmation. I don't think I've stopped crying on & off since. Part of me now just wishes it was all done & I can move on with a bit more certainty, but we still have to wait to find out the results from the chromosomal testing to see if we have a son or a daughter.

Then to top it off we finally had sex the other nite & now the bleeding has come back a bit ~ just what I didn't want.

Another crappy day here.

I was doing okay until I got home from taking James to see IceAge2 at the movies to hear DH tell me that someone from South West Health Care rang coz I missed an appt today ~ well it was my booking in appt. It had totally slipped my mind until DH said that she had rung. Another thing to remind me that I am no longer pregnant with my precious little speckle.

I am so feeling like the world has been taken out from under my feet & wondering when it will be put back there.

Hi Kirsty

Not sure if you remember me (I exchanged a few emails with you in the "A wise woman once said to me" thread a few months ago). I have been following your progress closely and was devastated to hear the news about Speckle. And I am sad to hear that you are having a crappy day. I really do wish that there was something I could do or say that might be of some assistance to you, particularly since your own comments had such a monumental impact on me after I lost my little girl in February. In fact, they still are having an impact.

Kirstly, I can relate to having periods of peace and acceptance about the loss of a baby (accompanied by concern about whether that meant I wasn't grieving properly), interspersed by fits of tears when reminders arrive via the telephone or mail (I forgot about my booking-in appointment with the hospital too, and burst into tears when I was trying to explain to the woman on the other end of the line that the interview was no longer necessary. She just didn't seem to be getting it. I ended up blurting out "My baby died!". It just seemed to BOOM out of my mouth and was echoing loudly off the walls of my very quiet and very empty house before I realised that I was actually the person who had said it). And I recall that just when i thought I was doing okay (which was actually quite often in those early weeks), I'd be confronted by something else (birth certificates, cremation certificates, death certificates, a letter from centrelink confirming that I had been paid the baby bonus, etc). I cried for hours after I opened that Centrelink letter. I remember feeling like I'd exchanged my baby for a $3000 cheque (although I know that in reality that isn't what happened at all).

Based on my own experience, Kirsty I really do feel for you - I can only imagine what it might be like to have lost two precious bubs. That is my worst nightmare at the moment. If there is anything I can do to support you and your family, just let me know. You clearly have touched many others via this forum. So many people have volunteered to lend an ear to you when you need - and I'd like to join that group of people. If you ever want to chat, feel free to post or PM me. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs,
J.

you are truely a woman of great strength and honour Kirsty.
Thank you for letting us get to know Speckle and share your experience with us. We are all here for you. Just let us know if you need us.
Hugs, love and friendship
maz

Kirsty, honey just wanted to drop you a note to say am thinking of you. Your strength and courage is amazing. Remember to look after yourself as well as everyone else, ok. I hope you find some peace again soon.

Hope that the results answer some questions for you, too.

:hugs:

Thanx guys, a huge part of me just wants to move on & start trying to have another baby, but then the sensible side kicks in & I know that from previous experience I need a little more time. Then throw into the mix the fact that we are in the middle of buying another house & selling ours (both are under contract atm) & DH telling me last nite that he needs to think about having another baby once we are settled into the new house & we can judge our financial position a bit more & I'm a total emotional mess all over again.

I just don't get it, last week he was all for giving it a little time & then trying again & now all of a sudden he needs to think about things, WTF??? When he said yes we hadn't sold our house so our initial loan for the new house was more, but now our house is under contract & if it all goes through then that eases the financial pressure coz we can pay a huge chuck of it off the new loan. So surely that would make things easier for us in a financial sense & not harder?? I just don't get his way of thinking & then of all the times to discuss it he decides to raise it just as I'm going to bed. So it isn't discussed properly at all.

Then we had a bit of an all out with the counsellor yesterday over some of the stuff that has been going on since we lost speckle, & here he is saying different things while the counsellor was there than he had said when it was just the two of us. Anyway for a little while now we are going to see the counsellor separately to help us deal individually with what we are going through (it is probably more for my benefit than DH's as such) so I'm hoping it will help me deal with some of the anger & bitterness & other washing machine emotions that I am going through atm. It is just so hard, then even when I have a good day something seems to go wrong, or I feel bad because I feel like I'm not grieving speckle properly by not having them in my thoughts all the time. I know we all move on eventually, I guess I thought it should take more time than 3wks to forget my precious little baby. Not that I've forgotten them as such, I probably mean more for me not to be thinking about them all the time.

There are times more than others when it hits me, I found out yesterday that two of my friends are both pregnant. One is 14wks & the other is 20wks ~ they had both planned to tell us about 4wks ago but of course then things went wrong for us & they decided to wait a bit. Then I go shopping yesterday & I swear that every pregnant woman in my town was in the supermarket or down the street shopping ~ it just isn't fair. I want to still be one of those pregnant women & even though I know that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, I guess part of me is mad at my beautiful little baby for getting itself into such a mess.

Part of me feels that maybe mother nature is trying to tell me that one is all I'll ever have, but that isn't what I want at all.

Anyway enough of a rant & ramble here, will go & dry my eyes now before I short out the keyboard 8-[

If you've got this far a huge thanx

Kirsty,
Firstly let me say how sorry I am to read of your recent loss. What a dreadful shock. I lost my little boy Luke at 16wks last year and that also turned out to be a cord accident. They say it is rare at such an early gestation but I have come across so many women that it has happened to I can't believe it to be that rare!.
I also have felt guilty that maybe i wasn't grieving as much for him as I did for the twins that I lost in 2000. But I think it is not that you don't feel it as much, it is just that we have been there before so we are able to handle it a little better. But I am sure the pain is just as strong for you this time. And yes, those pregnant women do save their shopping trips just for when we are out as well!! And how jealous we are of them. It's only natural for us to feel that way but it will pass eventually.
I hope you feel better soon and please know that we are all thinking of you.
Big hugs,
Debbie

Oh Kirsty - big big big hugs.

I can completely relate to the washing machine emotions and my loss wasn't anywhere near as horrific as yours.

Please know that what you are feeling is so 100% normal. You are so brave and I'm so glad that you trust us all enough to let your emotions out here.

I can understand you being cranky / confused at your DH. Who knows what goes through their minds. He will probably change his mind once you have moved into your new house - I really hope he does. And until then take the time to greive.

And please don't feel guilty that you are not greiving Speckle enough - it is very obvious to all of us here how much you love Speckle and what a wonderful mother you are to Speckle.

Big big hugs.

Liss.

Kirsty, I cannot believe that you are having to deal with the passing of your beloved Speckle. I am so, so very sorry.

I really don't know what else to say, other than to wipe my tears for you and your family.

Things just aren't fair sometimes.

Hugs to you,

Love
Gabby

Kirsty, just to let you know I am thinking of you.

There is so much going on for you right now, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be a certain way, get it together etc. Losing a little bubba in such a way must be hearbreaking enough without having to deal with day to day stuff AND the whole house selling thing.
Maybe you can take a weekend away after you have moved (or before if it is a while from now), somewhere, nice, warm and far, far from reality and day to day drudge. Recharge a bit.

Take care
:hugs:

Thanx Lulu, I think we are going away the weekend of Mothers Day, which will be before we move so am looking forward to that.

Things aren't too bad except for the phone call yesterday to let us know that they are picking up speckle's urn & ashes this week, so we are going to pick them up from them on Tuesday. I so don't want to do this, I want to be enjoying my baby not remembering them every day.

Kirsty

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time, there is absolutely nothing I can write which seems appropriate so just know that we are all here for you and we'll hold your hand all the way and back again.

Take care, sending cuddles your way