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Thread: Here I am again.

  1. #1
    kirsty Guest

    Default Here I am again.

    Well as some of you may be aware we have lost our precious Speckle.

    It all started at an OB appt on Tuesday March 14th, first part of appt went well but once we jumped up on the bed to have a quick peek at bubs the OB couldn't find it. So we waited until the other room was free to try & get a better look on the better u/s machine. So in we go, she has another go & still can't find bubs. Student midwife is sent out to go & get the other OB to see if she can have any better luck. Second OB eventually finds bubs right down in my pelvis but still can't get a good look so asks if she can do an internal. I say yes & off we go, first thing we see is bubs head. She manages to pick up a fetal pulse through bubs head so says that that is good news but that it does seem that there may be a lack of fluid around bubs. So we are sent off to organise a proper u/s for as soon as possible. Off we go to radiology where we are given a date & time for Monday March 20th ~ DH asks if there is any chance it could be done sooner as we have already been through something similar & we need to know. Lady tells us she will speak to sonographer & let us know if they can move the appt forward. We arrive home that afternoon to a message on our answering machine letting us know we have now got an appt for 12noon on Thursday March 16th.

    So a worrying & stressful day passes on Wednesday & then off we head to Warrnambool for the ultrasound. Sonographer gets started but pretty soon it is obvious that it isn't a full morphology scan, & as soon as she says she is sending our pictures directly to their specialist & can I stay on the bed in case he wants a look, DH & I look at each other & immediately say it doesn't sound like good news. We are right, she comes back in lets me get up & empty my bladder & then tells us that they are right there isn't a lot of fluid around our baby & that it is significantly small for dates. She also tells us that the specialist has spoken to the OB & she wants to see us this afternoon as soon as possible. We walk out of the radiology department & I just burst into tears, I no longer hold good hopes for our little baby ever making it into the world. We go down to the OB's rooms but she doesn't start for 40mins, so we go to the hospital kiosk to get something to eat which really wasn't worth doing as I don't think I enjoyed one bite of it at all.

    We go into waiting room at clinic & are then called in by clinic midwife who thinks that this is just a normal visit, then I explain what is going on & she is deeply sorry & organises for us to wait in her room & she goes to tell OB that we are here. So then into OB's office we go. She explains that it doesn't sound good from what she has heard but doesn't want us to make a decision then & there. They are thinking that somewhere along the line I must have had another leak but just didn't notice it. She decides to admit me to hospital for a week to see if there is any reaccumulation of fluid around bubs with complete following strict bed rest (only allowed out or off bed to go to the toilet & to shower) & will follow up with another u/s in a weeks time to see what is going on. So off we go to the hospital.

    So I spend a long week in hospital away from my DH & son plus family & friends. We had decided we wouldn't tell everyone what was going on so that we can get some peace & quiet over this time. But it was a long week for me, also hard being on the maternity ward with babies being born all the time.

    Fast forward to March 23rd, 12noon ~ 2nd ultrasound.
    We get into the sonographers room & as soon as he looks he says that there is definetly still no fluid & that bubs is very small & that he can't find a heartbeat. I find myself with tears rolling down my face & I am no longer able to look at the u/s screen ~ I can't bear to not be seeing my baby alive & well. In tears we go back up to my room to wait for the Dr. Many tears are shed & all my thoughts are filled with "why me again", "when did I leak & not notice it".

    Dr gets into room & apologises & says how sorry she is for us & the loss of our little one. We ask when will I be induced & she says whenever we want. We opt to start it then & there. So at 1:30pm on Thursday March 23rd we take the first of the tablets & have the first lot inserted into the vagina to encourage the cervix to open. She goes on to explain that the tablets will continue to be inserted into the vagina every 6hrs for as long as necessary but she hopes that we will have a quick delivery. At approx 2:30pm I move off the bed because of pain in my back, once sitting on a chair I realise the pain hasn't gone away which means it looks like my labour has started & it won't be a long time after all. DH had gone out to get a drink & when he walked back in & saw me sitting on the chair he asked what was up, I told him it looked like it was all starting ~ he made the comment "I bet it is all over by 5:30pm, you'll have a quick one this time". My mum turned up shortly after that & we sat & talked for a while. The midwife that we had was absolutely wonderful, lots of light hearted bantering with my DH which helped keep my mind off what was going on with me. Pains were starting to get a bit unbearable by about 4pm so I finally give in & ask for some kind of pain relief & a hot pack for my stomach. I take 2 panadeine forte & wait for them to kick in, but the barely take the edge off of anything. But decide to wait & see what happens. My brother & SIL turn up for a quick visit & to say how sorry they were & to offer their support ~ not that I am much good for communicating to anyone at that stage. Contractions were getting mighty painful. At 5pm I beg DH to go & get midwife so I can get the hot pack reheated & see if I can take anything else for the pain. While DH is gone, at 5:10pm I experience a "pop" & race off to the toilet to discover that the "pop" was in fact my waters breaking ~ the immediate drop in pain level is a relief. My brother & SIL decide that it is time they left again giving us their best wishes. By now I am experiencing lots of contractions & slowly breathing my way through them. Try to sit down on the chair but feel very full in the vagina, tell my mum this & she fusses around & makes the bed while DH goes back out to tell midwife that I think bubs is on its way. She comes back in & asks me to hop up on the bed so that she can have a look ~ she pops back up quickly to say she is just going to get her tray & she'll be back. Once she is back in the room it is about 5:20pm & I am starting to feel the need to push, so she says go for it. After only about 2 pushes our little speckle is born at 5:24pm, my first comment was to tell my DH looks like he was right & it was all over by 5:30.

    We ask if it is a boy or a girl & she tells us it is very hard to distinguish as bubs is so very tiny. She then has to unwrap the cord from around bubs neck twice so that she can clamp & cut the cord. She then puts the synotocin into the drip bung on my hand to help deliver the placenta. Then she wraps bubs & passes it up to me to hold, she is right it is tiny, lucky to be the size of my hand. When she goes out of the room we look at bubs & decide to unwrap the rest of the cord from around bubs neck, it was still around neck another two times ~ so wrapped around its little neck 4 times in total. Also when I do this I find what I think looks like a knot in the cord. When I point this out to my mum & the midwife they both agree that it is a knot. She then points this out to the Dr when she comes in & finally I have a sense of peace that this time was a freak of nature & that it wasn't my body's fault that this little bubs didn't make it.

    By now I am having trouble delivering the placenta, we've been trying to deliver it for 45mins when the Dr decides to try & do a manual removal. After her pulling & me doing 4 big pushes she gets some of it but can't be sure she got it all. So after conferring with another OB, they decide to do a curette later that night to ensure that they have got it all.

    So at 8:45pm I suddenly come over all hot & bothered & sick feeling. Rush into the bathroom & sit with a wet face washer over my face but am sweating like mad & just feel like I desperately want to vomit. Midwife comes in & helps me breathe through it & just as I'm feeling better the porter turns up to take me to theatre. Once in there the last thing I remember is the OB saying "ok sweets we'll take care of you", next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery, then going back up to the ward.

    And that is the story of how our second angel was born at 5:24pm on Thursday March 23rd, 2006.


  2. #2

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    Kirsty I feel priviledged to read about the birth of your darling Speckle. Thank you for sharing it ~ my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

  3. #3

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    As I have said in another thread, I am amazed that you have the strength to write all this afer such a horrific loss. You truly are an incredible woman and I too feel honoured to share in your story. Take care of yourself and I hope your future brings the joy you deserve

  4. #4
    Kirsty77 Guest

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    Oh Kirsty I'm so sorry that you had to go through this again :hugs:

  5. #5
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    What amazing strength and courage you have shown in posting your story. A story of pain and terrible sadness but told in a beautiful and loving way, thank you for sharing it with us.

    Again I am so very sorry for the loss of your darling speckle, I hope you find peace in telling your story to us and by having all of our love and support.

    Lots of big to you, take very good care.

  6. #6

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    Kirsty, Thankyou so much for sharing your story at this very hard time, Im sure it was so hard to relive it all so soon after, You have so much courage to go through what you have and its not fair that you had to go through it a second time, I can only wish you all the best with your recovery physically & emotionally

  7. #7
    ~Sarah~ Guest

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    Thankyou sweetheart for letting us read about the birth of your little Speckle. I miss the days in Due in August thread when you and I had every hope for our Bubba's being ok. I hope you will be alright with some time and tears. I also hope your uterus let go of that placenta so you can move on without any more hospital visits as I don't think thats gunna be your favorite place for a while. Thank God you have your wonderful DH and DS with you although I sure wish you had got to keep Speckle as well.
    Take Care Hon.

  8. #8
    Fee Guest

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    Kirsty I'm so sorry to hear about your little Speckle. Sending loving thoughts your way.

  9. #9
    kirsty Guest

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    Thanx guys.

    Fletch in answer to your question, yes we are going to be finding out if we had a boy or a girl, just waiting on the results from a post mortem to tell us. Plus we need to know as speckle was 20wks we have to register the birth & the death of our little one.

  10. #10
    Melinda Guest

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    Kirsty, I am just amazed that you have found the strength to share the story of little Speckle - I hope you have found some comfort in having done so.

    All my love to you.....

  11. #11

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    kirsty,i have been moved to tears.please imagine me holding you tight,i am lost for words.i know your little speckles is in a happy,warm peaceful place and is within your heart for eternity
    my deepest sympathy to you and your family
    love nikki

  12. #12

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    Kirsty - I think what you have been through is awful. I have tears pouring down my face, and it all just hurts and aches.
    I can't imagine how it feels for you.

    I am sending you all my love, and hugs and whatever else this telephone line can handle, cause its just not bloody fair.

    I hope your next week gives you answers, good health and aome peace. May you find a way to start to say goodbye to your little angel in a special way.

    It will never be over - but this is the beginning of remeberence that will go your whole lifetime. I'm sure speckles knew how much he/she was wanted and loved.

    God bless to you and your family,
    Fi

  13. #13

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    Oh Kirsty, your strength is just amazing you are a credit to mothers all over.

    I don't know what to say to you, nothing that I do will comfort you at ths time, I'm thinking of you always.

    Again huni, I'm so very sorry

  14. #14
    Melody Guest

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    Kirsty.....I am so moved by your story.... I can only imagine what you must be going through but please believe me when I say that you have been in my prayers this past week & never far from my thoughts.... it breaks my heart to think too long about this blow you have been dealt without rhyme or reason.

    My heart goes out to you. :hugs: Thank you for sharing.

  15. #15

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    Kirsty

    I was completely moved and floored when I read about your first loss and your feelings over being PG with Speckle. I read your posts about making it to 19 weeks and can only imagine how devastated you must be.

    To be able to share your story so soon shows an amazing amount of strength and makes it clear that you are an amazing woman!

    Sending loads of hugs and kisses your way!

  16. #16

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    Kirsty,
    You are in my thoughts and have a place in my heart, you have shown incredible strength through writting about your loss, I am so sorry sweety I wish there were something more I could do or say just please know that we are here for you and that we are all thinking of you and sending you much love.

    Take care of yourself xxxooo

  17. #17

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    Kirsty that was an incredibly moving story. I feel honoured that you have chosen to share your grief with us.

  18. #18

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    Kirsty - There is nothing I can say, only that I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Mel

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