Yesterday started my fourth miscarriage journey. After a tense few weeks we finally got solid confirmation that baby has decided now is not the time to join us. Im waiting to go to the GP tomorrow to get the ball rolling for a d&c as my body hasnt recognised its time to let go. Im numb; I havent cried like I did before, I just wander around in a fog. Life goes on because I have 3 little miracles to take care of. Im still suffering morning sickness and a multitude of other pregnancy symptoms which is like a slap in the face.
I just feel so lost and confused. I dont understand why it had to happen to ME............again. I feel angry at Dh, that he did something to cause this because he was so negative about this surprise baby. I feel angry at myself because a careless "Well maybe I'll lose the baby and then you'll be happy" thrown out in an arguement tempted fate to teach me a lesson. I feel like maybe its a sign that we should leave things be with just the three beautiful miracles we are so very lucky to have.
Dh wants to try again after the d&c but Im torn. I dont want to have to do this again; I stupidly thought because my last pregnancy was the complete opposite of the first two (no m/c, surprise baby/no long term ttc/no ART, textbook pregnancy) that my days with all this heartbreak were over. Obviously not. On the other hand the need for one more blessing to join our family has increased ten-fold. Its at the back of my mind constantly, being pregnant again, having another newborn to cuddle.
No point to this post except to exorcise some of these thought swirling around in my head. Thanks for reading.
Hun my heart is breaking for you I'm so sorry. I really appreciated the message you sent me today, that meant a lot. When you are ready I'll give you a big squeeze and if you need anything I'll do it!!
Whatever you said has NOTHING to do with this. You did not tempt fate at all. These beautiful bubs must have had another agenda and I know it doesn't help your pain but please know this is not your doing. Let yourself heal and take it from there Xx
SO sorry to hear this hun. Please allow yourself time to grieve and know that those words thrown out or that negativity did not contribute to this, nor does it mean that you shouldn't try again hun. I have been there regretting and beating myself up and you need to know you did not cause this in any shape or form. Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to grieve before you make any decisions. xoxox
So lost.............
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I couldn't read and not post hun. I hope you find your peace 
I'm so sorry Freya. I'm thinking of you today 
so sorry. Be kind to yourself. xo
*hugs* 
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