A horrible day

[rottfren]

I need to vent after one of the most horrible days of my life on Tuesday.

I finally accepted that my twins had died and in view of the length of time that had passed, with no bleeding or cramps or anything, (my body just didn't want to admit their passing either, it seems) it was obvious that I wasn't going to miscarry naturally.

I arrived at the hospital for a D&C at 9am as arranged. After waiting for 2 hours I was seen by an ob/gyn registrar and told him I wanted the babies tested for chromosomal abnormalities. He ended our consultation by telling me that I was irresponsible for getting pregnant at my age and that he hoped it wouldn't happen again. I was disgusted at his attitude and told him that his job was not to pass judgement on me but to offer me the best medical treatment available. If I was still able to get pregnant then it was my business if I did so. To his credit he did apologise for his ill considered words. He then said he would be doing the procedure later in the day. I was worried all day that he would take my uterus out or something to teach me a lesson..i know it was stupid of me but I was so sad and scared on my own there waiting for my babies to be taken from me.

About 1pm I was admitted to the day surgery unit where at least I had a private room with a tv. I was given a dose of misoprostol to soften my cervix as it was still tightly closed. i was so glad i was in a private room as about 20 mins later after some bad cramping I felt a wetness and the amniotic fluid then just gushed out of me. I was inconsolable and sobbed to think that instead of it meaning a birth was about to happen, it meant that my babies were really leaving me. No one had told me this would happen and it was a horrible shock.

I waited in that room until 4.15 then was taken to theatre, where I waited till 5 before they did the procedure. I felt so exposed under those lights and all those people who didnt know me and didnt really care. Also, all the theatre staff were male, including the nurses, and this upset me too, I wasn't comfortable at all with no females there and me in such a vulnerable position.

i finally got home about 8pm, took 2 panadeine forte and cried myself to sleep.
I'm still crying now. I feel so empty without them. The glow has gone from my face already.

Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. I feel a bit better.

It seems that at the moment, I can still get pregnant, I just can't keep them. I think I have one more attempt left in me and if the next one has the same terrible outcome then I will have to accept that I will not be able to have another child. I don't think I could go through this whole heart breaking experience too many more times.

I am so thankful for my son. I look at him and cry when I think what a miracle he is and how lucky I am to have him. I don't know what sort of state I would be in if he wasn't here with me.

It's lucky women are so strong cause geezus we have to put up with a lot.