So it only been 5 days since I found out I lost my little one and in that time I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

Obviously I have been thinking about whether to try for another one but I'm not really sure if its the right time to even be thinking about it. But I really can't help it.

I have such a passion for all things pregnany, birth and baby so I am around it ALL the time. I am Doula. I am Student Midwife. I am a Mum. I am a Woman. I can't escape it and TBH, I don't want to. I love it. I love it so much that even in this time of grief, all I can do is weep and smile when I read, watch or see pictures of other Women's Birth journies. I am so happy for them and to see the absolute exhilaration on their faces. And my own grief has made me even more obesessed!

But its that the problem. Am I involving myself in it too much to be able to make a clear decision about what is right for me?

I have these ups and down. I will think - ok, its probably a good idea to just wait until at least March or later next year and start trying then. I have Uni and I might be going to Peru for a Uni trip. And I've even set myself up to go with the BB Girls to Sydney in June next year.

But then I think, I can't wait until then. I need to be pregnant again asap!! I need to go on and to feel that wondeful moment where I hold my beautiful child in my arms. I need to feel that love and emotion again. I never thought I would ever feel this after losing a baby so early into a pregnany. But I feel like my arms are empty. And now, so is my Womb.

I am only guessing but I would say all that I am writing and feeling is apart of this process. And I am sure so many Women have been through this before me. And right now I am struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel. What a sh*t way to end such a good day. I did so well today. I didn't cry once!

Sorry if this is ramble. I need to get this out.