So we begin our NICU journey....

Evening all, thank you all for your kind words and support. All the tips are really handy, especially on the milk production side of things. So far so good, I'm getting a little bit more day by day which is encouraging so I'm trying not to stress too much about it. I'm not getting much time to rest in between visits and taking care of DS so its hard to stay on top of things but we're getting there. DP is such an amazing guy - I already knew that - but sometimes it takes these challenging times to really see just how amazing he is. Physically I'm feeling a bit worn down, I guess the hormone high has worn off to some extent. Emotionally I'm going up and down depending on the day / time LOL! Leaving the hospital is very hard. I feel like my time with her is so broken and fragmented which is really tough.

She is still nice & stable. They successfully got a central line in her leg a few days ago and she is starting to re-gain some weight. They are monitoring some gastro-intestinal things which are simply a result of her immature digestive system but being cautious all the same. She is still receiving my EBM but just at less frequent intervals. The bruising on her precious face is improving day by day and she is just the sweetest little girl. We had another nice long cuddle too and I'm hanging for the next one let me tell you that!

Must go and be-friend the trusty pump for the millionth time LOL! I will keep everyone informed as we keep moving along.

Huges hugs hun, I know how you are feeling about the pump ;-)

FWIW, I could only leave DD when she was asleep, and even then I was still in tears each and every time for 6 wks when I was leaving the hospital.

Glad to hear Heidi is continuing to do well and gaining weight - clever girl! That milk must be well and truly doing it's job. You're a fabulous Mumma to be putting in all of this effort for your tiny girl. Take care of yourself where you can. :hug: Apart from DP, do you have any IRL support?

Exciting to hear Heidi is doing so well. Try to take it easy on yourself and rest where you can. Enjoy those wonderful cuddles.

:hug: You are doing an amazing job hun.

It can be so hard walking away from their isolettes, when all you want to do is pick them up and cuddle them and be there with them every minute of the day. I was like leesa I found it a tiny bit easier to leave when DD was asleep, the most horrible time was walking into the nursery and DD sreaming her lungs out under the bili lights, completely nude, not even a nappy to cover her, it was just heartbreaking all I wanted to do was rip her out and hold her tight, but she needed to be there.

My pump sat next to me for over 12 months, and it really does become your "best friend", I even had a friend who was expressing at the same time and we would have "expressing sessions" and chat on Messenger, and it was so helpful to know that there was someone on the other end of a pump at the same time, it makes it a lot less lonely and can take your focus off it as well, to make things a bit easier if you are able get a second expressing kit/attachments, I found that those nights when you are really tired having a spare set - that you can get DH to wash for you, makes it a tiny bit easier :hug:

It is brilliant news that she is gaining weight, every gram makes a big difference and she is doing such an amazing job for a 25 weeker, next time you give her a lovely cuddle make sure she knows that there are a lot of guardian angels thinking of her and protecting her. I am so glad they got the central line in and that she is coping well with the changes it brings, and absolutely thrilled youa re enjoying some amazing Kangaroo cuddles, it is truely amazing how strong the healing and comforting powers of Kangaroo care can do.

Take care and I am glad that you DH is such an amazing support for you :hug:
xxoo

Hi everyone, we've had a very busy few days & I haven't had much time to spend at the computer. Heidi is still going so well. She is 2 weeks old now, and she'll tick over to 28 weeks gestation on Sunday so she is just a little champion. Hard to believe we were on a knife-edge so recently. Her weight has remained stable, and she is still doing well maintaining her breathing with minimal CPAP support. Every few days she goes back under phototherapy if her bilirubin levels go up a bit but that is all perfectly normal. Her tummy issues seemed to have resolved so the little guzzler is now tolerating a whole 1ml of EBM every hour! Such a tiny little munchkin. She is teaching us so much about being strong....surely if she can do this so can we I keep reminding myself.

We're travelling along ok. I think I finally hit my wall yesterday. Its amazing how exhaustion of both the physical & emotional kind sort of creeps up on you for a few days then suddenly decides to take you down in one heap all of a sudden. DP was working yesterday and DS was with MIL for the whole day so I had a day completely for me to spend with Heidi. I spent 9am-2pm at the hospital before I had to force myself home. I got into bed and just cried & cried. I needed to let a lot out, I hadn't really allowed myself to since her birth. There is so much running through my mind all the time, I just can't switch off. The mummy guilt has kicked in majorly. Poor DS is sick and teething and constipated, and is so upset whenever we drop him off somewhere or leave the house without him. And the need to be with Heidi is so compelling for me, I am feeling so torn right now. I know DS will be ok, and that he needs to adapt a little bit under the circumstances but its very very hard for me right now. I just hope he starts feeling better soon and is a bit more resilient.

Expressing is going ok. I found out during the week that Fenugreek is NOT my friend. The label did say "may cause loose stools" and I though, ok, not likely to happen. Well it did. I had diarrhoea of gastro proportions and suffice to say that I didn't need that wiping me out right now. So no more Fenugreek. And my right boob is seriously letting the team down. Despite expressing for longer on that side its still not doing much - it takes double the time to get half the amount of what my left boob will produce and I'm getting very frustrated. Its as if some of the little ducts in the nipple haven't opened up - the left one just sprays out thank goodness. Otherwise we'd be stuffed.

Janie, I have to send the biggest hug & thank you your way for sending me the ABA booklet - its been really helpful for me to read and has given me a lot of hope. You truly are amazing.

The hardest thing for me right now is that simply, I miss my baby girl so badly. We've shared a few more cuddles over the last week, I've given her a sponge bath and if I'm there when they do her feeds & cares I generally do those too. But I'm not getting anywhere near enough time with her and I just don't know how to juggle things any better right now. Its tearing at me 24/7. She needs her mummy so much and I need her, I just don't know how to resolve that right now. I feel like my time with her is so broken. I have people asking me for photos and I just can't bring myself to share her yet because I feel like I hardly even know her well enough yet. I've taken the phone off the hook because Im sick of fielding phone calls from well meaning family who want a blow-by-blow update.

Thank you all for thinking of us xx your support and the opportunity to come in here and let things out is a real relief.

I'm so glad to hear how well she's doing. I can't imagine how tough this is for you :hug:
I'm thinking of you and hope you can have your family all together again at home soon

You are doing such a great job, you are so strong, i know where your little girl gets it from :hug:
i can't even imagine what your going through hun, all i can say is your doing so well and your 2 beautiful babies are very lucky to have u as their mum.
My thoughts are with u and your beautiful miracle child xox big hugs:hug:

:hug: Infinity, you are doing so well and my heart breaks for you having to leave your tiny girl behind at the hospital when it's time to go home. :( I hope your DS is better soon. What a fabulous job you are doing juggling everything! Your expressing efforts are obviously helping Heidi enormously. LOL at the slow rightie. It might be frustrating, but if it makes you feel any better, many, many women have an underperforming bb. Mine was leftie. I'm sure it produced about a quarter of what the other side did. I used to console myself with the idea that if a mother can feed twins, then only one bb needed to be firing on all cylinders to keep one baby going really.

It's great to hear from you. Take care of yourself, it sounds like you are doing a very good job of managing what you can and can't cope with. I am seriously in awe.

It's so hard to leave them behind, knowing that someone else is caring for your precious little bundle.

Have you got someone in your family you can keep updated and then let everyone call them? I used to ignore the phone too, the last thing you need at the end if an emotional day is to go through it all over and over again.
Your milk will still be coming in, it takes a while when they are so early, you are doing a great job every little bit helps.

Oh darl, I've only just read this, after responding to your PM :hug: I'm glad you were able to have a cry, and let it all out, it's really important to do that. I will come back later when I can and chat to you some more..........xoxo

If only there was a way cyber hugs could be felt, I would give you a huge long hug. You are doing such a fantastic job looking after you DS and dealing with the journey of a baby in NICU. A big cry is a good thing. Better out than in. It is so so good that DD is breathing so well, heart and head scans good and getting lots of your fantastic milk.

I had a similar problem with uneven producing boobs. My left is considerable smaller than the right and only ever produced half of the right one. No matter how much i tried with extra pumping it did not change. It is not as noticeable anymore and the leftie produces lots of milk.

It is heart breaking to leave the hospital but the nurses really care for their little charges. I hated that feeling of having no control, not being able to take my DD home so I tried to focus on the relationship I could build. Lots of kangaroo cuddles, when off the CPAP I would hold her all the time and every time I was there during the tube feed as I wanted her to know that I meant food. That said I cried a lot to let it out.

Thanks for keeping us updated and hugs sent to you.

Sounds like I need to give my right boob a rest and just accept its going to be the dud performer! LOL, thats ok. Like I need to stress about that right now.

DD received a blood transfusion today which is normal and was expected. She was lovely and settled when I went to see her this afternoon. They are holding her feeds for the next 24 hours as her tummy has reacted again which is something they're watching.

I am craving more cuddles with her - the last few days when I've been in its been very busy for them so its been a bit hard. This is one of the main reasons I need to spend longer blocks of time with her. I'm also struggling going in alone. DP & I kind of visit in shifts ATM so one of us can be with DS, but I need his strength some days when I'm by her cotside.

Thank you all for your support xox

Hun I have been thinking about you and your princess, and I really hope you can get some more cuddles really soon too!

xox

Can a strong trusted friend or family member go with you? Or meet you for lunch there? Even before we started having visitors I would try and have someone come and see me when I would have lunch or a coffee for a sanity break. Strong and trusted sounds a bit naff I know but a friend like that visited from interstate and came with me for a few days when I was really low and boy did her strength lift me up.

hope you get more cuddles soon and she gets back to her milk.

I used to be quite distressed about my different boobs, but your rightie is not a dud performer. It is doing its best too. I used to ask new nurses on if they know what I could do, asked an LC, midwife, etc. Finally I accepted it and thought if the visible difference remains this bad I can get a "booster" for the leftie. It settled down after a few months but I still would not wear a bikini top in summer if you know what I mean LOL!

The NICU journey is tough. Real tough. And you are doing it with a toddler - you are absolutely admirable.

Everyone hits the wall at least once. It's part of the journey. I hope the hospital has a social worker/psychologist you can talk to. I found them invaluable to just spit out EVERYTHING that was going on in my head and just to let go.

With the boobies - mine were different too. Somehow my left is the dud one. Chocolate comes from the right.... I named mine chocolate and caramel - chocolate flows beautifully but caramel was a bit gluggish...

You are doing a marvellous job with Heidi. She chose you for her Mummy for a very good reason. You can do ANYTHING.

Love and hugs.

Hi sorry I have only just seen this and haven't read through all the posts but I will later.
I just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job. I only went through 3 hours of the journey I'm glad your story is an opposite experience to mine with a 25 week birth. I hope you dd continues to improve


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Hi hun, I've been quietly following your journey and wanted to pop in to cheer you on a bit and say I think you are doing amazing. Its a tough and emotional road and your honesty and approach is a tribute to how incredible a mum/person you are. Wishing you, Heidi and your family all the best.

:hug: xx

Well tiny Heidi has regained and exceeded her birthweight!:leap:

At birth she was 730g and she dropped down to 670g which was within normal range. She crept back up to 690g and hovered there for about 5-6 days and today she is 765g! A whopping 35g about birth weight. What a fatty! LOL

We shared a lovely long cuddle yesterday, almost 2 hours we sat together soaking eachother up - there truly are no words to describe that feeling. I'm hoping to get some more this afternoon when we head back in to visit. They'll be recommencing her feeds 6 hourly today to give her tummy some time to adjust to receiving EBM.

Divvy - I laughed out loud about 'chocolate' and 'caramel' I keep thinking to myself I need to give the 'girls' some names to help cheer them on. Not sure whether its been the cuddles or just time and a bit less stress, but I'm getting a tiny bit more at each expression now which is reassuring for me.

Thanks again for all your wonderful words of support, means so much. DP & I are off to the hospital together tonight which will be nice, we've been doing it in shifts all of this week, so it will be nice to have him by my side.

Congrats on the weight gain its such awesome news. We took picks of chakotay on the scales and always celebrated with such joy his gains :) Your doing a great job keep it up:):clap::clap:

Woohoo on the weight gain!! :clap: I am sending all the strength vibes I can your way, hun.

oh wow! she is doing so well with that weight gain! go Heidi!! :dance:

Wonderful news :) I hope tomorrow is another good day.

Fantastic news on the weight gain :) Go Heidi go :cheer:

Bloody awesome weight gain! No doubt all those lovely cuddles are doing her the world of good - hope your joint visit was a good one.

Wonderful news on the weight gain, such a positive thing for such a tiny little bub. WTG Heidi.
DS was always weighed at midnight so I was never there at the time but on the day he reached 1kg, the nurses made a wonderful certificate for him and attached it to the foot of his isolette. That day there were many happy tears.

Long cuddles are the best. It's like there is no one or nothing that can come between you and bub. Like a dark cold shadow has been lifted and blanket of warmth and peace surrounds you both. At the time DS was in hospital, there was only 3 recliners to a 34 bed unit so it was always a fight for a comfy cuddle chair. The nurses were great, they knew cuddles with DS had been very limited so on the days he was well enough, I would arrive and there would be a recliner by his isolette with a big note on it "do not remove - Mother & bub will be having cuddles". Like you, some days we would sit there for hours...just so special.

It takes time for these little ones to adjust to receiving EBM, but they do get there in time. I always dreaded the days that DS's feeds were increased as it always caused huge problems with his apnoea. In the end, they would pump feed over 1 hour every 2 hours, it was almost as if he was being fed constantly.

Well done on the increased BM production. Cuddles do have a lot to do with it and the fact that you sound less stressed after your big cry the other day. :hug: you are doing a brilliant job.

Take care & hope you get more cuddles really soon xx

Wow Infinity what a fabulous weight gain Little Miss Heidi has done, it is an amazing feeling to see them surpass their birth weight, and celebrate each milestone no matter how small, because it is those wonderful positive moments that just makes it a tiny bit easier to get through the day :hug:

I am so glad that you and DH are going in together this evening, it is really important for you to take a bit of time out as a couple as well, next trip try and grab a little bit of time for a nice coffee or hot chocolate, with just the two of you, a little bit of normality as such.

Your cuddles sound just divine :)

Take care hun and thinking of you often xxoo

Evening all. We've had a great few days with Heidi progressing really well. She is continuing to gain weight....latest weigh she was up to 830g! WOOT! And she'll be weighed tonight so I'm hoping for another increase. She is now on 2ml of EBM every three hours and seems to be tolerating that ok so far, but they're constantly monitoring. Other than that, no major changes. She received a blood transfusion during the week which was expected and was fine. Its so hard seeing our tiny girl with a canula in her hand though, it was almost bigger than her.

We've shared a cuddle each day this whole week, I even got two yesterday - one in the morning and another when I went in to be with her again at night. She is so settled when she's on my skin, its really lovely time together.

I'm getting tired but trying to maintain the juggling act. Poor DP & DS have had hand, foot & mouth disease so they've been a bit miserable and DP isn't visiting at the hossy for that reason. Thankfully I'm fine. I keep figuring that my body just knows that Heidi needs me with her, so I'm not going to succumb. But I'm watching for all the signs.

My supply seems to be stabilising nicely - I'm probably expressing between 400-450ml each 24 hours for her. The milk room at the hospital have told me to start freezing some at home rather than taking it all to the hossy right now. They've got plenty there for her needs right now. I cannot wait until she is old enough and ready to start having a go at proper breast feeds. I know it will be some time and a slow journey but instinctively I can't wait to share that with her.

Good night all xx

Great to hear about the weight gain!
I bet you can't wait for long cuddles and longer feeds

Great to hear about the weight gain!
I bet you can't wait for long cuddles and longer feeds

Wonderful news hun! So so happy for you that Heidi is doing well, and that you're doing so well with your expressing! I know it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but it sounds as though you're doing a wonderful job of enjoying the special times you are given. Keep on hanging in there, thinking of you lots :hug:

Oh hun, you and Heidi are doing so well!!! Glad to hear about the weight gain and all of those cuddles. You might feel like you aren't able to take care of her all of the time, but you should be very proud of yourself, it's that wonderful milk and all those cuddles that are helping Heidi grow so well. :hug:

Wow what a wonderful supply you are generating :D

Wow I am so happy you have been able to have so many cuddles :dance: it is amazing to watch their sats settle when they are getting cuddles :hug: such special moments awwwwwwww.....

Oh no Poor DH and DS :( How long does it last for? I wish them a smooth and quick recovery, they had a breakout at our Daycare centre a week or two ago, lucky DD didn't get it.

Is the hospital giving you the containers to store your milk? If not the avent one's with the blue lids are great, I have some of the bags too, but cheaper to buy them on EBAY.

Take care hun and thinking of you all xxooo

Wow, you're doing so great! The both of you I mean.
Sorry to hear about your DH & DS - hope they're better soon.
You must be exhausted - I hope you are able to take a little time out each day to just breathe :hug:

wtg on the expressing! that is a pretty impressive amount!

and *mwah* on the cuddles!!!!!! they must be the BEST moments!

hope your DH and DS are holding up ok. heard that it is quite ouchy. it was rife through DDs kindy last year.

Well I'm pleased to say that DP and DS are all better, DP is down at the hossy tonight seeing Heidi for the first time in about a week. Beema - apparently they're infectious for 3-5 days or until the blisters heal up. Its been really tearing him up not being able to see her but he was so paranoid about going in sick. I *thought* I was coming down with something too but appear to have fought it off with a bit more rest. Marcellus, you're spot on, I am exhausted but I'm too scared to stop right now in case I don't get going again LOL! This week is going to be tough as DP is back at work 4 full days so it will be a juggling act with DS and I just have to accept I can't be at the hospital quite as much each day. Very hard. Thankfully DS has been his cheery happy self this last week after getting over teeth, constipation and HF&M. He also started walking during the week so do you think he's proud of himself much! Its so much easier for me emotionally now that he's back to his resilient self.

Beema the hossy supply us with little Medela containers that are compatible with their pumps as well as mine at home. So its really easy. I just take the milk in each day and pop it into their fridges and the milk room nurses take care of freezing and storing it and preparing the feeds for all the bubs each day. I'm really impressed with their set up, it would be so much more stressful if I was having to manage all that myself here at home. One less thing to worry about. And I'm also really happy that they're so supportive of the importance of breast milk and breast feeding, as they should be of course.

DD continues to do well, she's been shifted into a new cot, still enclosed in heat but a little step forward. I got there a few days ago after they'd changed her over and had to take 5 minutes to adjust - you get so used to their set-up and something changes and it messes with you a bit! More impressive weight gains too - they weigh every 48 hours - so 2 days ago she went from 830gms to 815gms but she was weighed on different scales so a bit hard to know if it was a true loss. Then last night she went from 815gms to 905gms! A huge 80g gain which is amazing. I think we'll have a party when she hits the 1kg mark LOL! She is tolerating a tiny bit more milk now and her poos have changed so we think her gut might be responding a bit better.

Every day is full of new information and challenges. Today she had her heart ECG done again. The docs and nurses keep thinking they can hear a little heart murmur, but it appears one day and then it will be gone the next. So they repeated the ECG and confirmed that her heart is fine. They're concerned that the little ducts in her heart haven't closed over (which they normally do at birth when a baby takes its first breath). Often in premmies that same process doesn't occur. So far so good with that. At 6 weeks she'll have an eye exam to see if her eyes are developing normally - sometimes if the little vessels around the eye start to deviate as they grow they need some laser surgery but its highly unlikely that will be the case. There is truly so much along the way we'll learn that we never even would have considered before.

The poor little chicken still has one little eye that the bruising hasn't resolved. She was so swollen and bruised at birth, but almost all of that has resolved apart from her left eye. She looks like she's been in a fight! Hopefully another week or so and that will be gone. Its kind of like her birth battle wounds in a way! We have also brought some visitors in during the week to meet her. My sister came through one night and then Heidi got to meet both her nanna's last night. We weren't ready for visitors early on, even family, and they've been very understanding about that. But boy were they chuffed to see her. She's got so many people that love her and are cheering her on, its really heartening for us.

Night all xx

So wonderful to hear your updates. I'm glad your DH and DS are better now.
Get all the rest you can hon :hug:

Woohoo - over 900 gms!!! :cheer:

Glad to hear DP and DS are all better and thank goodness you haven't succumbed. :hug: and I hope you get some rest.

Im glad to hear things are going smoothly and WELL DONE on the weight gaining!
she is in a fight and she is winning her fight, what a true miracle, i hope things continue to improve

I truly have tears hun, you are doing so well, as is your little girl :hug: What a mammoth effort with her weight gain!!!!! And how beautiful that some of your family have met her, I bet you were as proud as punch to show her off, and I'm sure they were simply over the moon to see her.

Good luck this week, I know it will feel hard, but you will get there. Just keep remembering that she WILL be home with you in time. And in the meantime, please please please ask for help, and accept all offers. I honestly know how hard that is, but right now you just have to. People really want to help, please let them.

xoxo