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xox
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xox
:hug: Michelle. I cannot even imagine how you feel and I don't have any answers at all.
All I can offer is a cup of tea and some leftovers, if you don't feel like cooking. :( I guess the one thing you really want/need is not something any of us can give.
This just absolutely sucks.
I am sorry I couldn't reply last evening.
Firstly as always you have shown enormous & unfathomable courage & strength throughout these past weeks since Greg passed over. I know we humans have an amazing ability to rally unknown resources in terrible crisis but you my friend are that way by nature. It's a beauitful gift.
I understand that when we are the ones used to dishing up the support it can be very challenging & foreign to receive it. Please open yourself to that right now. This is your time again to be supported in love... :hug:
I also understand that it can feel like everyone else has taken over your life. Others are stepping in and doing the things that you did only a few weeks ago automatically and without thought. It might feel like someone else is completely in the drivers seat & you are not "allowed" to make decisions or own your own home etc. Someone else folds the washing differently or cooks spag bog with a foreign taste. I know those things alone can feel like you have lost complete control of your life. If that is so, just remind yourself that this is your time to receive & it will pass. It truly will honey. :hug:
Everything that happens in our lives is a teaching and learning experience no matter how horrid. I say this as as you are the beautiful Mama of Oscar & Lily you are teaching them how to grieve. It's important to cry with them - it shows them that tears & crying are very okay & part of our living experience. It's important to say: "Im just really sad as I miss your Daddy so much"... Then teach them that there are beautiful things, happiness and joy yet to experience also. Look at that beautiful butterfly! "Isn't iggle piggle silly!"... It's a way to show them that sadness, grief is very real. But there is a yin and yang & there is much that will still be here. In time if it hasn't happened already they will dream about their daddy perhaps being home or hearing his voice. Its importatnt to hear that as they see it & affirm their experience. It's important for them to know they can talk to you & you want to hear all about their feelings about this. Even though this will be so painful for you. :hug:
It's not static & it will change. In time & I so hate that saying, but in time gradually the grief won't be as physically debilitating.
I think the way you grieve - in honesty teaches your kids that death is a sad & lonely part of life, but we do survive it. We survive it with the support of our friends, our family, our kids. With the balm of time & dealing with it in process. You really need some professional support now darling - a good solid psychologist who specialises in grief who will gently lead you through this.
Those two children of yours that are Earthside have lost their Daddy & the pain is intense and so very very sharp. But they are learning that emotions, that sadness is okay to see and feel. That is a gift that many don't receive. They are also seeing how amazing it is to be loved so deeply as you love Greg & he you. They are witnessing this outpouring of loving support on you because you are so incredibly important to so many of us. What a wonderful wonderful thing - they are learning how to support others, how to be supported. It's all happening around them.
So, don't you think twice about crying, about sobbing, about sitting in the middle of the floor and letting go.
The hard part is that nothing can salve this for you - that this is a journey of time, support & love that we can only hold your hand in.
Just know that your beautiful beautiful heart is safe with us - & it's broken pieces will eventually merge again - always leaving a space for your Greg.
Your heart is growing bigger with this & I don't know why this has happened to one so beautiful but I am sure your amazing beautiful Being is meant for wonderful things. For you are a woman who through so much loss has so much to give, so much knowledge and compassion. Look at those stars & know that in them dance those two beloved Souls who left too soon - but also know that you are still here. You and Oscar, Lily & Omar - you are here & you can do this. Some days you will need a wheelchair (figuritively) to walk this path, and we will be there to push it. Other days you will dance along.
This is the start of this painful leg of your life journey & your beautiful loving Soul will lead you with a little help from us. :comfort:
I love you my sweet & my tears are crying with you - so very often. :hug:
:hug: I don't know what to say so sometimes it better not to say anything but just offer a hug
Michelle honey, of course you feel alone, you have just lost your soul mate, lover, best friend and all of your dreams and hopes for the future have gone with him. Creating a whole new life plan is not easy my sweet, take your time and plan one day at a time. You will survive, even if its in a haze for the first little while, and your children will make sure you carry on day by day. The little people are forgiving and so long as you give lots of hugs you will still be their wonderful mamma even if you feel you are not giving them your 100%. Grieving takes a long time my darling, so little by little, bit by bit and piece by piece you will learn to live a new life, and love and parent a new way.
Dont be hard on yourself you are a wonderful mother always so do what is in your heart each day, if you feel like sitting in the corner in silence, then put the kidlets down and do just that. There is no right or wrong.
You have to grieve alone and together as a family. Know that Greg will be there, he will be the wind beneath your wings and one day when you look back at this time, you will be able to see just how Greg carried you through.
My love and thoughts are with you always
Lis xx
i'm so sorry you're going through this michelle.
i'm thinking of you and your beautiful babies.
:hug:
just wanted to post and send my love and tell you that you are often imy thoughts! I have no great words of support, but others before have filled that gap!! Much love to you and you family! hugs. xx
Michelle I also don't have any words that can change what has happened but I do want you to know that you have my support. Sending you many many more :hug: hun.
6 weeks have passed by and the pain is still as fresh as it was yesterday. Today it is anyway.
I was feeling better after a healing session and some acupuncture in the past few weeks but today has been a pain like I thought had passed. I ache for him to hold me, to tell me it will all be ok. I feel so alone despite being surrounded by loving words and support. It just isn't Greg and I am so lost without his love to guide me. God (or whoever is out there watching over me) please give me the strength to get through this. I hurt so much :(
Hun there are going to be so many ups and downs during this journey. Celebrate and relish the ups but also allow yourself the downs. I'm sorry today is a bad day, I pray with all my might that tomorrow is a little easier.
:comfort:
Michelle,
I am so so sorry for your loss. I had to reply, as I have experienced this, except in the role of your 16 month old. My father was killed in a car accident when he was 36. My mother was left with 4 kids, all alone. My eldest sister was 14, brother 12, sister 3 and I was only 21 months old. I don't remember a lot about the years to follow, except for asking where my daddy went, and why he couldn't come back.
I don't really have any advice, as I was the child in that situation, but i do want to offer you some hope. Even though my dad is gone, he has been a great inspiration in my life. He symbolizes everything i want to be. Strong, hardworking, honest, loyal, successful. I was not deprived of love, or of material things as a result of his death. I did feel his absence, but at the same time, being so young it was easier for me than the others. Your children will be alright. I can promise you that. You seem like a very strong woman, even in the face of such a terrible tragedy. I know solo parenting isn't the path you chose for yourself, but so many of us were raised by single mothers (or fathers). It really isn't as uncommon as you think.
I grew up knowing the value of a person's life, right from the beginning. I understood that the things and people we love can be taken away in an instant.
Like I said, I can't offer any advice, all I can do is offer you my support, as the child of a father who died too young and left us in the same bewilderment you're facing now. Life is cruel, and I am so so sorry you have to face parenthood without your wonderful husband. May you forever see your beautiful husband in the eyes of your children, and may they bring you the strength and courage you need to carry on. He will live on in their hearts, and yours.
xoxo
Michelle, I'm just so, so sorry.
I think if you often and wonder how you're doing.
Sending you love and energy, I wish I could do more
Take care
forshelby, that's a beautiful post you wrote for Michelle - and I, too, am taking some heart in/from it - I lost my husband, aged 36, eight years ago. At the time my children were 2 and 4. Isn't it strange that all these 3 men were all 36 when they died - Michelle you were right what you said to me the other night about this age. It does help to know that you (forshelby) are a compassoniate and loving person, and that you are inspired by your Dad and his memory and his legacy, thats so beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Michelle, sweetheart, there's going to be so many rough days like these, just get through them as best you can, and as unscathed as at all humanly possible. Tomorrow is most definately a new day, you just can't tell in advance how you are going to be feeling, or when the next tidal wave of grief is going to knock you down again. So glad you're doing some healing things, allow yourself some time away from the grief, it's just too exhausting to sit in it all the time babe.
Hugs all round, Lee xoxoxo
Lee - they just hurt so much :( I feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing for the next decade. But I can't. DS and DD are both awake (DS had a late nap and DD woke up with the phone after a power nap length of being asleep :wall:) so here I am. Alone. On my own. With the little ones still awake, no time or space for crying and letting it all out, no time for meditation to get me through this day, no space for visualisations to help process the grief and no DH.
Worse - the intense grief feeling and holding back the tears makes the BH contractions worse and that adds a new level of fear into the mix. I just wish it was all different. Tonight I feel a "why me" moment needing an outlet and I am so mad at Greg again for leaving me like this. I would love to be able to use a punching bag but that makes the BH worse too and I am too scared to physically release these feelings for fear of hurting something. I just want to not feel this way but I know I am going to feel like this for a very long time, and that makes me incredibly sad.
i sit here, looking at my keyboard, not knowing what to write. nothing can make you feel better or take away your pain. I cant imagine. I saw your picture in the sydney paper weeks ago and when ever i think of you (which is quite often) that is the image i have in my head! Just hugs for you, i wish i could do more. you have some lovely ladies here with great words of support. xxxx
:hug: Michelle. I have been thinking of you and the kids. Not only do you have your own grief, but you can't give yourself the space you need as you care for your children. Take care of yourself, hun.
Michelle I was taking to my mum last night about how she felt after dad died and it sounds like she went through exactly what you are right now. She hated him for leaving, felt resentful, unprepared, grief-sticken, and wanted to stop living but couldn't because of me. All I can say is that last night she didn't cry like it all happened yesterday - she spoke about that time as an observer, watching someone else, and was quite reflective and analytical. So it will pass. It will take along time, but eventually the pain fades. I know that doesn't help this minute, but please know it does get better.
Michelle - I can't say anything other than you and the children are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I wish for you every day that the pain is just a little better, that you get through this day just a little easier. I'm sorry yesterday was not a day like that.
Always here :hug:
Michelle - You are all in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Intellectually, I know it will pass (but thank you for reassuring me with survivor stories - they really do help :hug:) but physically and emotionally I hate this feeling.
I miss the restorative cuddles more than anything - just being held and told it will be ok. The receiving of touch from your partner is unique and I feel my cuddle bank is significantly depleted. Just to sit on his lap, head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat with strong arms holding me tight. Just to feel connected and safe. That connection is gone and I feel afloat and all alone. You get held by others but it is not the same. There are very few people in my life (despite being surrounded by loving support) who can give the type of physical contact I need without making me feel uncomfortable. It isn't sexual, it is healing and there aren't many who can fill you with that level of love to make you feel *healed*. It is hard to explain.
I wish it was different. I wish it was fast forwarded through this pain to the coping stage rather than this intensity.
10 weeks to go until meeting George is making it worse. Knowing I will need to be supported but not having that support from Greg. Not being sure if I will have that loving support during the breastfeeding challenges. Not knowing what I will want or need for the birth. It is all too hard to *train* someone else to my wishes. I will have to compromise my wants and needs and that is horrible to consider. Who do I trust if George needs to go away from me?? Who will encourage me to keep going when BF complications inevitably crop up without suggesting a FF alternative?? Who will understand why some things are so important to me??
It's just all too hard :(
33w pregnant. DS turning 3 next week but continuing to cry out for Daddy :( DD calling for Daddy this morning :( It all hurts so much and I just want it to not feel so raw. I want to enjoy this pregnancy now it will be my last and yet it is so hard to see the good when the bad is so overwhelming.
More firsts. More things he should be here for but isn't. The slow obliteration from our life that used to be. Piece by piece we are being taken apart and re-built again without him. Please just make it better for a minute. Just one.
:hug::hug::hug:
My heart aches for you Michelle.
:hug::hug:
:( :hug:
:hug: :comfort:
:hug::hug::hug:
Michelle :hug:
I have often read your posts and not known what to reply back so haven't said anything. I think all I can offer is a hug and let you know I think of you often. There is nothing I can say as I can't imagine what you are going through.
I wish I could help you even a little. I can feel your pain through the screen. You are so brave and strong - even if you don't feel it. :hug:
Oh Michelle, honey, sending you the hugest hugs. Thinking of you.
Sending a :hug: as I have no words that can help your pain.
Thinking of you and your kids.
Hi Michelle. If things have quietened down and you have Thurs or Fri free this week, let me know. I would love to meet up with you and give you a hug in person, somehow that would seem more worthwhile than a cyber-hug. I know it isn't the hug you want, but I'd like to do what I can. I wish this wasn't part of your life right now. :(
Michelle, my heart is truly breaking for you. I think of my own partner and I just can't imagine my life without him in it, I would be just so lost. Just know that even though I don't know you, I share your pain and want to offer you my hugs and support. You are doing such a great job being there for your babies, your love is all they have now and plenty of that they will always have. Hug them tight and continue to talk about their beautiful daddy, they will never forget him or stop loving him. Huge hugs hun, you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Beata.
If I could make it all better for just for one minute I would do it in a skip. :comfort::
33w pregnant. DS turning 3 next week but continuing to cry out for Daddy DD calling for Daddy this morning It all hurts so much and I just want it to not feel so raw. I want to enjoy this pregnancy now it will be my last and yet it is so hard to see the good when the bad is so overwhelming.
More firsts. More things he should be here for but isn't. The slow obliteration from our life that used to be. Piece by piece we are being taken apart and re-built again without him. Please just make it better for a minute. Just one.
I understand in a different way how hard those firsts are - I can only imagine how they are for you. I feel your pain so acutely & it pains me so much to know you are in this place. There is such pain in letting go and "unpacking" the life that was & such pain at the reality that this new life is what is.
Omar is your hope & your reminder that Greg continues to beat inside you - in a different way. I can imagine that must be both hopeful & tortuous at the same time. :comfort:
Oscars birthday is going to be so very very tough. For him, for you. It sucks. I wish it were all different for you. Remember the joy that you felt on that day - his birthing day. The love you felt for Greg, for Oscar - the pain you felt at Caitlyn's memory. Swim in it darling & know we're here with the life rings.
Greg was a very very wise man in choosing as his partner in this life you. Because you are amazing, resilient, wise and beautiful. Slowly as your life is rebuilt differently the essence that is Greg will go with you. It will darling heart. So with the grief and sadness at the rebuilding - know that the essence of Greg goes with you, with the kids.
Take up Jennifer on her offer. She does good hugs & I will instruct her with a firm one from me. You are loved, supported & not alone. :hug:
Sending you all my love, warmth and strength and always thinking of you and your family. :comfort:
I read this thread Michelle and I never know what to say - everything I say just seems.. meaningless.
I think of you daily, and so wish I could take your pain away from you. I do know you are handling things with a great deal of grace that I would never be able to, if our roles were reversed.
:crying: I wish I could give you a hug in person :hug:
Oh Michelle... I wish I could give you a massive hug IRL. I have shed many tears for you and your family (including more right now).. Luke is only about a month older than your DS and being pg again now... it's just so hard for me to comprehend what you're going through and how you're managing to get through each day. You are inspirational and strong and simply amazing. I know you don't feel like that most of the time, but you are and I'm so proud of the way you're dealing with it all and I'm so glad that you have this forum as a way to release. It's not going to be easy, but you're doing so well and we're all here for you... as much as we can be anyway.
Massive hugs... I wish there was more I could say... but just know I am thinking of you every single day.
Kel xxx
I was thinking about you on Fri night....you and your DH.....and your little family...i was at ED - your place of work i think. I was looking out for you....even though i suspect your prob not working now, and TBH, i dont think i really would know what you completely look like...but i was still looking, hoping.....like others have said , your not alone...your really not....hugs darling....