I completely lost it.

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BB is an awesome community - and when it feels like one of us is being attacked, a whole bunch of mumma bears will jump to their defence.

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And the newbies have to defend themselves while all the mumma bears suck up for eachother together? Is it really that cliquey?
Thankfully I have a thick skin and can take criticism quite well.
No one called me on my original post until after someone jumped on my second response, and in my second response I did elaborate and suggest talking to the daughter about what she did wrong. Maybe 'maybe' wasn't the word to use but I still do believe that her daughter should be spoken to about her behaviour, even though I did not express my point on the issue clearly.

Thanks to those who did get my point :)

Look, its a sensitive topic for me. I grew up with parents who blamed me for their actions. They were never wrong. And they still never are wrong. It has affected me tremendously. I think it is very important that the actions of the daughter and the actions of the mother are addressed as separate issues.

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In the OP, Nerd asked about controlling her own behaviour, not about what to do with her DD, so I think Miss Em's response addressed that specific question. :)

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Thank you, and that's exactly how I read the OP and responded accordingly.

I think we all need to calm down. Attacking someone because you feel they are attacking another is not cool mcgool (And yes I know I've done this before... but I would want someone to tell me if I were doing it to... which people have!). MissEm has tried to explain herself countless times. And I'm pretty sure a lot of people have been in the same foot in mouth due to lack of forum etiquette position. So without doing a really BAD rendition of Kumbaya, or trying to offend, disrespect or belittle anyone... can we please move back to the topic and have less about attacking individual posters.

Please :hide:

No!! I demand a rendition of Kumbaya *stamps feet and pouts*

Big fat hugs for Mrs Nerd Berger, and askance glances at the circle of Kumbaya-ers over in the corner ...

I hope you're ok, and that the book is repairable :hug: ... I'm super curious about what the book is, now!

I hope that you're feeling calmer now, and that you find some resources or strategies that help ... goodness knows, I have been in situations where I have been so livid that I literally have not been able to see straight - times where the whole world starts wavering and swimming, and I don't think I'm going to be able to restrain myself ... I think we've all been there in different ways, and have exploded (or imploded) differently, and from different triggers ...

I also hope that there's a productive way that you and your DD can both give and receive apologies in the morning, and forgive one another in the morning ... I know 3 is little, but she would have known that she was being naughty and destructive, and so I hope she can apologise and ask for your forgiveness too ...

but no matter what you decide with work for you and your munchkins, I hope that her benaviour improves and that you get some relief and some positive strategies soon.

:grouphug:

:hug:s mate. I too have behaved in a way that I'm not at all proud of. I know how aweful you are feeling about it right now. But remember, if you weren't feeling aweful about it, now that would be a much bigger problem. Like others have said, your DD will forgive you for your actions as long as she knows she is loved and you are sorry. I don't know much about PET, but it's sounding like a good start. I'm thinking I should really check it out myself also. I also think that managing to have some exclusive mummy and DD1 time would be really beneficial for both of you. Oh, and most importantly I really think you need some "me" time mate. I know it's probably almost impossible with being a busy mum of 4 kids and living interstate from family, but I really think it's important for your emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Whether it be catching up with friends for a"kid free" coffee, or going to yoga once a week or even having DH take the kids out of the house for a few hours every now and then.

:hug: :hug:

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Well said hun thank you very much!! I have stayed out of this as I have better things to do that have to justify myself to people who have been here 5 mins and think they know everyones history and circumstances.

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Wow, that's harsh! The OP asked a specific question and MissEm responded. I certainly didn't think MissEm was asking anybody to 'justify' themselves, nor was she implying that she knew everyone's history or circumstances. In an open forum such as this, aren't members entitled to express their opinions, regardless of how long they have been here?

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MNB.
Ive done that before. :hug:
It took a PM from a really smart woman with some great advice to make me feel like I could parent my way and some pretty good suggestions ad constructive feedback that helped too. Im still working on it, but I feel like Im getting there.
I think the 2 way discussion is a good idea.

Oooh, two juicy topics!

One, Mrs NB, I've been there too. Thankfully DS and I have a game of me throwing him onto his bed and bottom-smacking is a sign of affection. We have a screwed-up household. I know and I'm OK with that. However, me completely losing my rag and having a tantrum terrified him. It wasn't until I stomped my foot (yes, I did!) that I realised how stupid I was being, laughed at myself and apologised to DS. We got over it. DS didn't provoke me for a while after that. Wonder why...

I have the advantage of having interacted with you quite a bit on these forums and know that this is unusual for you - however, if it's just the owning up that is unusual, it is time to get help. A one-off is usually just that. If you want help, do get it, even if you are normally quite placid. (Although you're not really - maybe you need to dish out more Melly-bashes so it doesn't spill out into IRL?)

Two, I agree with MissEm's posts. What I think people didn't like was the tone. There were no hugs. On an on-line forum, they are the difference between waiting until your father gets home and support. I didn't think MissEm meant anything nasty by her post, just how it was read. Even I read it as slightly blunt, and I come in on spoon-level rather than knife-level, bluntness wise, usually. Apologising without justifying your behaviour is something I want my son to learn, and so that is what I model. I do ask DS why he thinks Mamma was so cross and we then talk about his behaviour - but I still let him know even after we've talked about it that I was very wrong in my reaction and him upsetting me shouldn't result in me scaring him so much.

I will commend Mrs NB on losing it over her book though. I have lost it over DS tearing one of his own books by accident before. But I am a bit precious about books.

Big hugs Mel. So, what, you're not perfect? Welcome to the club mate ;)

There isn't a single person on this forum, in the world, who hasn't missed the mark in their parenting sometimes (uh, in my case - a lot :().
But if you're questioning your actions and trying to work out how to do it better, then you're already doing better than a lot of people out there.
FWIW it took me years of being a parent to work that out, that sometimes I'm wrong & need to apologise to my kids. And I've done that, usually something like "what you did wasn't cool, and it made me lose my ****. But how I reacted wasn't okay either and I'm sorry" - I like it that they are learning I'm not perfect, and that it's okay to 'fess up when you're wrong.

You are doing one of the toughest jobs out there, with four young kids under five - I think you're awesome. :hug:

And, I'm really sorry about your book. That would get me, too :( Hope it can be repaired.

:clap: good on you for reaching out and recognising you need help... this parenting gig is tough... really tough :hug:

I find when I am under a lot of pressure that I revert back to the way I was parented. The only reason I don't smack is because I am scared that if I do I will go overboard like my mum would. She didn't do it often but enough that I know it is ingrained in me.

I agree with recognising the triggers. I like to send DS to timeout but that makes him worse, he protests more and I wind up more. I have to remove myself from the situation, I literally do a mental thought of is he safe and lock myself into my room for 5 mins to calm down. I am just waiting to do a challenging children course cause I also know I need help.

When things calm down here I talk with DS about how is behaviour was wrong and I always apologise if I go over the top. Parenting is a work in progress, we all make mistakes it's how we learn from them that matters and I think you know that which is why you have reached out.

Oh hun, I rarely post in here these days, but I couldnt not give you some love and support.

God knows I have lost it with DS countless times over the years and a couple of times I have really scared myself at my reaction to his bad behaviours. In those awful instances I have walked away for 5 minutes and taken some deep breaths then gone to my DS and apologised for my behaviour toward him, then discussed how his behaviour was not ok.

THe fact that you have acknowledged that your reaction was not ok and you are asking for help to make things better in the future just proves what an amazing Mum you are.

Please dont be too harsh on yourself, we may be mothers but we are still human xxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo