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I would be ok with it if you told me in private and with compassion. But I would be very annoyed if you talked about it with other people without talking to me. I would see that as catty and not about my child's best interest but more like gossiping. I think you will be able to express yourself better just discussing it in person with her. After all you have personal experience with this and you are coming from a caring point of view. Good luck with it. I know it must be hard.
Thanks Transtar, If I could palm this one off to a teacher or other professional I would, but unfortunately I can't. Said little boy is actually only three and a half and not attending himself. His big brother is in Kindergarten with DD. If it is ASD now is the time to strike so to speak for best intervention results, especially with the waiting lists for therapy in the state, hence the dilemma. If it didn't have the possibility of making a difference by doing it sooner rather than later I would be more sneaky about it and take my time, like lending picture books to the parents of the class, that way she'd get to read about it in relation to DD and it might strike a chord, but I don't get those resources until next term.:
Krysalyss - yes, I had that thought too. I wouldn't be too pleased if someone involved a third party either, so quickly dismissed that idea.
I'd just like to say, being in this position blows big time - I've got enough on my plate. Maybe someone else will see it and say something before I see her again...
As the mum of a child with autism, I was grateful when someone suggested the possibility that he was on the spectrum - in a way that was appropriate and sensitive. But I was much less receptive when it was done in a way that was less sensitive. Knowing the importance of early intervention I would be inclined to say something, but I'd also be prepared for a less than receptive response.
As a mum of a spectrum child, you know what to look for and can say that it may be nothing, but you've noticed that her child shares some traits with your child. If you voice it in a way that acknowledges how confronting your observation is, and acknowledge that your observation is based on a very limited view of the child, then she may not find it as confronting.
After DS was diagnosed I had a friend say that they weren't surprised at the diagnosis, that they had noticed traits but didn't want to say anything because I was obviously in denial. That bugged me on so many levels it wasn't funny, but mostly because if she had said something we may have identified it earlier. I had other people say similar things - that they had noticed traits but hadn't wanted to say anything - I wish they had, it would have made us trust our own observations better.
I certainly wouldn't rip you a new one. I would be a little taken back but would appreciate you honesty and concern.
Perhaps just talking about your own ASD experience a little first, so she knows that you are sensitive and aren't trying to insult. I'm sure she has her suspicions anyway.
After all, ASD kids are perfect too and I challenge anyone to tell me differently.
Good luck Hun.xx
No worries hun - didn't realise he was so young, but as I said I didn't think it would work very well either - so tricky but I think saying something is the best thing to do and deal with the after effects. Good luck hun :hug:
Honestly, I might be a bit taken aback, particularly if it had never occurred to me before, but I think I'd appreciate it. You're just trying to help out another mother and kid. I think that's ok.
I myself wouldn't say anything unless I was asked...........so if you talk about your experiences to give some insight and show that you care and understand then leave it at that unless she asks or opens up.
If you only see each other at a kindy drop off and you don't really know her or the entire story then you don't know if she has already sought help or perhaps got him on a waiting list to be checked etc. Either way, if he is only 3.5 he is still only little and she will be at her witts end regardless - we all handle situations and our children differently.
I have had my son checked as he is very full on...VERY and I was always on the end of " oh he's a full on boy" etc comments at playgroups etc - not very welcome comments either. I always had worries and questions, am I doing this right, why wont he do that. It's horrible as a parent always left to wonder are you doing it right etc, is my child doing something wrong. I believe it is better left to the professionals (that includes teachers etc) to bring it up. That's just IMO.
Especially as it is an emotional topic I don't know how you could bring it up at kindy drop off without causing her to either break down if she is aware of a problem or without her getting mad for sticking your nose in (so to speak, not meant in a horrible way).
So basically I'm damed if I do and damed if I don't - awesome!
It is a hard one.
On one hand the mother may really appreciate you saying something...she may be feeling lost or like a bad mummy and may relieved to find out there is a reason for his 'behaviour' and it is not her fault.
On the other she may be offended and tell you take a long walk off a short plank
I think I would be the former but we are all different.
It sounds like the slow approach you are doing now may be the way to go...just talk to her in the morning about your DD's traits that he has also and maybe she will put two and two together.
If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, then the decision is easy. You say something. You give them the opportunity to get help earlier rather than later. This impacts the whole family.
It's then how you say something that counts. You may need to practice it a bit and it may depend on the situation on the day. Maybe even write a note and give it to her. Something like, I apologise if this is out of line, but I've noticed behaviour in your son that is similar to my daughter. etc etc. The reason I point this out is through experience, I know funding etc is age dependent. It is difficult to look at and I hope I'm wrong, but thought it might help...blah blah. You know better than I do what to say.
Her reaction to you is irrelevant. Just be prepared for a negative one. In this case, it's not about you, it's about the little boy and his family. You have information they need. As you're not friends, you're not risking that relationship. Just wear your protective armour that day :) It will take courage, but I think it's something you need to do.
GL
Are you able to spend anymore time with her, perhaps invite her around for a coffee.. get to know each other a little better and perhaps see where the convo leads. Maybe if she is aware of your situation she may open up about her own struggles with her DS and you can go from there??
it is a difficult position to be in, especially when you have to see her on almost a daily basis. next time she starts talking about something he does could you casually say "oh have you spoken to the paed or early childhood centre about your concerns ? thats what i'd do" and she might say oh im sure its nothing but it might plant the seed to get her thinking and you just look like you were giving general advice
Haven't read this whole thread so sorry if I double up. I think it all depends on the delivery kwim most parents get their back up when told somethign about their child but if she does look like she is struggling then she may welcome the advice.
your in a really tough spot....if i was in your situation i think id ask her if she wanted to get a coffee one day, talk to her a bit more when you know the bell isnt going to go off any second. and its a better environment, somewhere more private...rather than the school gate.
and just explain the stuff you went through with your child, you can see that her son is full on...maybe use phrases she uses to describe him, and ask if she has considered that your children might have some things in common.
but, like you said, its really about the kid, not the adults, and if i was her, and possibly had no idea about ASD id want someone to point me in the right direction......good luck....
I don't agree that her reaction is irrelevant, this woman has feelings and she has to front up to Kindy every week and see everyone. Depending on what type of person you are it's not easy to mix amongst people if you have been hurt, or feel embarrassed. I'm not saying you want to hurt her, but it may have that result. That really is not fair for her.
Again like I said previously do you know the she has not sought help or already questioned the behaviour? It can be like a real slap in the face to someone when you only have some of the facts and you go and tell them something they already know or realise and make them feel worse about it IYKWIM.
I don't say any of this to be rude, this is just my opinion.
When I said her reaction is irrelevant, I didn't mean hurt her feelings. Or that Yeddi's feeling are irrelevant, though it may read that way. I meant that they are lesser issues than the bigger issue of her little boy getting help if he needs it. I realise that come across as holier than thou - not sure how to communicate what I mean.
Of course it's difficult. I like the ideas given of inviting her for a coffee, then asking her gently if they've looked at professional help.
Makes perfect sense tash. I think you've hit the nail on the head.
I would be making a few play dates with the kinder aged ones and invited them to stay as well. This way she will be able to get to know you and your child but also see how you deal with ASD. She might have questions in her mind but is to scared to voice them.
If you know of a good playgroup that would help next time she says something tell her about it and let her know how much it helped you.
All the best as you decide your next step