Advice on 3 year old behavior.

[Emma09]

Miss 3 is really testing my boundaries at the moment.
She requires constant attention and if she doesn't get what she wants, throws a mammoth tantrum!
I need some help!
DH works arvo/night shift and is sleeping when he is not at work- so no help there.
We spend plenty of time with other kids, and plenty of time outside.
Any recommendations on how to cope for the next 10+ years
Also any books about this stage could be helpful also....

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

No help Hun as we have the same happening here, DD2 is starting to assert herself (finally) but its very frustrating when she's kicking & screaming for not getting her way.

I'm hoping with kinder & someone else setting rules she might realise it's not just me. IYKWIM.

Waiting for some advice too.

[feeb]

DS2 is a nightmare he screams and tantys over everything that doesn't go his way. He pinches, hits and constantly annoys his brother who has never behaved like this.
I feel like I yell and scream all day at them.

[LizLemon]

My DS is 3.5, and he certainly has his moments, although the majority of his meltdowns are because I am either tied up with his younger brother or his brother is trying to play with him and getting in the way. I really feel your pain as my hsuband works very long hours and is rarely home for bath/dinner/bedtime and DS does seem to need constant stimulation

My main strategies are:

Pick my battles - it's easy to get caught up trying to enforce a point or a rule but sometimes it's just not worth it. I have things that he really isn't allowed to do and he will get one only (often no warning if it's bad enough) and then straight away naughty spot, but other things I will just let go for the sake of peace. I will then talk to him about them later when he is less likely to blow up.

Have a sense of humour - More often than not I can joke him out of a tanty

Remove him from where we are the moment he has a tanty - I tell him he's more than welcome to melt down but he has to do it in his bedroom. He realises really quickly how little fun it is being away from the action

Keep watch of his food - I found certain foods make him less agreeable than others.

Chocolate (for me, not them)

Not sure if that helps or not but you aren't alone - it's a very difficult age.

[Rowellen]

As a mum of one who has just come out the other side of the terrible 3's, I can say this will pass. I could have and most probably did write more than one post very similar to this regarding DS's behaviour. We cut down on food additives and preservatives and it seemed to make a small difference. The main thing though was just time. One day our sweet little boy just reappeared better than ever. We made sure we didn't give in to his tantrums, used consistent punishment wherever possible and offered lots of cuddles. There would be a point where a tantrum turned from wanting his way or whatever to being genuinely upset, this is the point that we offered cuddles and it usually worked to end it, sometimes even with happy co-operation . I saw something after he started improving that made so much sense. It was a picture of a spiral (like a cyclone or tornado) and on one side it had "disequalibrium" and the other side was "equalibrium". Each year of age was one turn of the spiral with the half years hitting on "disequalibrium". I'm not sure if that makes sense, if I can find the picture I'll post it. It really struck a chord with me. I wish I had seen it while DS was going through it. I'm not looking forward to the next round.

What I did to cope -
I hid in my bedroom and screamed into my pillow on occasion.
Distraction.
DS started doing more complex puzzles (24pieces) which was more challenging for him than the wooden ones.
Asking for his help. Anything that could be considered helping whether it actually helps or not. EG sorting the washing. I'd have to resort it after DS helped but it made him happy to help.
Don't forget to praise the good things.
Time out for myself. DH works stupid hours and was often sleeping but I went to the gym class once a week for an hour on a saturday morning. I had to take them to the creche sometimes if DH wasn't home from work in time but I made sure I did it every week. I need to start going again, DD's hitting the terrible 2's
When all else fails - ABC 4 kids for DS and stiff drink for me


And as LL said, pick your battles. Eg you get the red shirt out, she wants the blue. It doesn't matter. Let her wear blue. Not only that - anticipate them. EG without fail, DS wants a different type of pasta to the one we've cooked. Solution - ask him first. Seems silly but it makes him happy. So if you know there is something that will set her off, change the routine so she has some input.

[Heaven]

Three's are tough aren't they! I thought this article might help

The Key To Your Child’s Heart (7 Ways It Works)

Janet Lansbury

Write this word on your hand. It’s a magical way to connect with a child of any age, can ease tears and tantrums and even prevent them. It’s a simple but surprisingly challenging thing to do, particularly tough to remember in the heat the moment…

Acknowledge.


Before you tell your child that it’s time to leave the park, or remind him that the really cool truck he’s examining has to stay at the store, acknowledge his point of view. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.
Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable.
Acknowledging is simple, but it isn’t easy. It’s counter-intuitive for most of us, even when we’ve done it thousands of times. Won’t acknowledging our child’s wishes make matters worse? Won’t saying “I know how much you want an ice cream cone like the one your friend has and it does look yummy, but we won’t be having dessert until later” make our toddler hold on to the idea longer, cry harder? Wouldn’t it be better to dismiss or downplay the child’s feelings, distract, redirect or say:”Oh, sweetie, not now”?
Our fears about an honest acknowledgement of the situation “making things worse” are almost always unfounded. Feeling heard and understood allows children to release the feelings, let go and move on. Here are more reasons that acknowledging our child’s truth is worth the conscious effort it takes…

1. Acknowledgingcanstop tears and tantrums in their tracks.
I have witnessed this many, many times. Whether a child is upset about an injury, a disagreement with another child or anger over a conflict with a parent, acknowledging to the child what happened or that he is hurt, frustrated or angry can miraculously ease the pain. Feeling understood is a powerful thing.

2.Acknowledging, instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.
Parents and caregivers have an enormous influence, and their responses have an impact on young children. If, for example, we try to calm children by assuring them that there’s no need to be upset or worried about something that’s troubling them, they may become less inclined to express their feelings. If our goal is our child’s emotional health and keeping the door of communication open – just acknowledging is the best policy. “Daddy left and you are sad.”
I was reminded of this recently when one of my teenage daughters shared her anger and heartbreak over a long time best friend’s lies and betrayal. How hard it was not tell her that this friend is flawed and that my daughter deserves so much better! How hard it was to just listen and acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. As painful as this experience was for me, I treasure it, because my daughter trusted me with her innermost feelings. I’ll do all in my power to encourage her to share with me again. (My daughter ended up resuming her relationship with her long adored friend, having noted her limitations, and I was so glad I held my tongue.)

3. Acknowledginginforms, encourages language development and emotional intelligence.
Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect them. But don’t state the feeling unless you’re sure. It’s safer to use the words “upset” or “bothered” rather than jumping to “scared”, “angry”, etc. When in doubt, you might ask, “Did it make you mad when Joey wouldn’t let you use his blocks?” “Did the dog’s bark frighten you or just surprise you?”
An added benefit: talking to babies, toddlers, children of all ages about these “real things” happening to them is the most powerful, meaningful and natural way for them to learn language.

4. Acknowledgingilluminates, helps us understand and empathize.
To state our child’s point of view, we have to first see it, so acknowledging helps to give us clarity. When we say, “You want me to keep playing this fun game with you, but I’m too tired”, we are encouraged to empathize with our child’s point-of-view (and he ours).
Acknowledging the situation and asking questions (especially when we don’t know the reason our child is upset) can help us to unravel the mystery. “You’re upset and look uncomfortable. You just ate, your diaper is dry. Maybe you need to burp? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.”

5. Acknowledgingstruggles might be all the encouragement your child needs to carry on.
This is another scenario in which a simple acknowledgement can work like magic. Rather than saying, “you can do it!”, which can create pressure and set the child up to believe he disappoints us, try saying, “You are working very hard, and you’re making progress. That is tough to do. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?”

6. Acknowledgements instead of praise help children stay inner-directed.
This is as simple as containing our impulse to cheer loudly or say “good job!”, and instead smiling and reflecting, “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was really hard.”
“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

7. Acknowledging proves that we are paying attention, makes a child feel understood, accepted, deeply loved and supported.
Could there be any better reason to give it a try?


“People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

“We all need someone who understands.” –Magda Gerber

[jackrose]

I saw something after he started improving that made so much sense. It was a picture of a spiral (like a cyclone or tornado) and on one side it had "disequalibrium" and the other side was "equalibrium". Each year of age was one turn of the spiral with the half years hitting on "disequalibrium".

this comes from Louise Bates Ames, and made so much sense to me when I was battling my 3.5 year old. If you google characteristics of a 3 and a half year old on the planning with kids blog, there is a great blog post that summarises the theory (and may be where you saw the spiral Rowellen)

This from the blog:

Three is a conforming age. Three and a half is just the opposite. Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child. It sometimes seems to his mother that his main concern is to strengthen his will, and he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him by that still most important person in his life, his mother.

3.5 years was really tough for us for DD1 who went from a delight to a nightmare, but did come back again on the other side, sweet and easy going as she had been before. One thing that did help us get through the 3.5 phase was understanding that what she was doing was absolutely right developmentally and therefore letting go of a lot of my issues with her behaviour. Once I relaxed and 'picked my battles' and came to her from a place of understanding things settled down a lot more. It was like a release of tension took the edge off the problem.

[Rowellen]

Yes that's it Jackrose! Thank you