Siblings

[~Hestia~]

What are your children like as siblings? Namely, how are they when they are playing together?

I have 2 and 4 year old boys, eldest will be 5 in August so has been to kinder last year as well as this year. They never play together as DS1 will not allow it. They have a lot of shared interests such as cars, trucks, trains, lego, sand pit etc but are not able to engage in these activities at the same time. DS1 will not even let DS2 play with these things on his own if they are both home!

If I set up an activity that they could both be involved in, such as a train track, DS1 will take things off his little brother, cry or have a tantrum if he wants something DS2 has, will take most of whatever it is so DS2 has not much to play with, it is honestly more trouble than it is worth at times.

My 2 year old is desperate to play with his big brother! As a parent I want them to enjoy each others company, I feel really lost. Any tips? Or is this completely par for the course when it comes to siblings!

[Teeki]

Hmm, not sure if it's "normal", I think every sibling relationship has it's own dynamic.

My kids are two years younger than yours, but DD is up and down as to letting DS play with her. She sits on the floor with her books and sometimes will give him one, other times will have a tantrum just because he's near her. She sometimes takes things from him that she hasn't looked at for days, because suddenly she needs it. And the toy I give him next. And the next one. He can't have anything. She's slowly learning that if she wants something he had, she needs to ask for it and give him something else so he's not left with nothing and she's not just snatching all the toys.

My brother and I had a fantastic relationship. Similar age gap, 2.5 years. We played really well together, most activities were done together, but there were definitely times iv wanted my own space. My Mum thought maybe it was because he'd always had someone there to play with but I was used to those 2.5 years doing my own thing.

Then there's DH and his sister. Got along like a cat and a dog, fighting all the time and rarely playing well. No idea why it was different for them, it just was!

[wysiwyg]

Hmm, not sure if it's "normal", I think every sibling relationship has it's own dynamic.

I agree with this.

DD is 4 (5 in May) and DS is 2 (3 in July) so just over two years - they get on better than I expected, she is incredibly tolerant with him and he loves playing with her. She is very motherly towards him, but also loves the fact she has someone to take part in her imaginary play. When he doesn't do what she wants she can get a bit fraught initially but generally works out how they can get round it. She doesn't play with that much that he would mess up though - she is more into lets pretend we are pirates etc, and if she is doing Hama beads or something - often she will go into 'teacher' mode with him. He does wreck things sometimes, but she just seems to roll her eyes and not get too frustrated (she is more likely to get frustrated if he doesn't comply in some scenario or other) than if he wrecks something. I do think some of the tolerance is from childcare, when it is outdoor play (which if not raining is prob 50% of the day) there is a mixture of ages in the outdoor space with a range of up to about 2.5 years - so they have always been used to having older, and younger children around - now DD and DS are in the same outdoor area and I do get some 'tales' back from DD about DS - but they still play together sometimes even there. They even don't like it if one of them gets told off, they stick up for each other and it feels like they are 'ganging' up on me.
My brother and sister had the same age gap as they do though, and never got on particularly well.

I really do think it is a personality thing how well they really get on - how is your DS1 with sharing his things and playing with other friends - is it only his brother he is like that with? What about out of the home e.g. at the park or something where there are no 'things' are they the same there?

[~Hestia~]

Thanks for the replies girls. To answer your question wysiwyg, DS1 is pretty much the same when it comes to his friends, maybe slightly more tolerant to a point. If we are all outside then DS1 will want the bike or ball that DS2 is playing with. He will hide the sand pit toys so his little brother can't play with them. At the park he will meltdown if DS2 gets to go on the swing. He will sit at the top of the slide so DS2 is unable to go down it. He has been known to also put certain treasured toys back in the toy cupboard at playgroup so no one at all can have them.

[Lenny]

No two relationships are the same.
My children fight something chronic. Honestly, most people who know us and love us cannot quite believe how much they fight. It's the hardest thing.
I read 'siblings without rivalry', and although i wasn't really pitting them against each other I did have the misguided belief that they should 'get on' and be friends.
But now I know that whilst that sounds like a lovely fairy tale, the truth is, they don't. They don't have to like each other or be friends. They just have to learn to tolerate each other and live together and hopefully be kind and love each other eventually. My job is no longer trying to make them play together and enjoy each other's company. When they want to play together they do, and when one of them doesn't, then I help them to separate.

They can be wonderful, don't get me wrong. But they can be unbelievable awful to one another.

I know of siblings both boys, similar in age to mine, and they never fight. The eldest is so tolerant and gives in to his younger brother all the time for the sake of peace. He is a peaceful soul. So, that's their dynamic. I am envious of the peace - but I am resigned in the knowledge that it's not ever going to be the way my boys relate to each other.

If we go to a park together, they will play together for a bit, then usually find their own thing to do. Sometimes when we are at home if dS1 has an idea they will work on it together I.e. Building ramps for their cars/trucks, making cushion cubbies, etc. but it is usually DS1s idea and he is leading the show, and then often at the end ds2 will do 'something wrong' and they start scrapping.

It's been like this since I can remember. Ds1 is six and is now at school. I thought they'd be different now, but they are still just the same little people, they just spend less time together.

Would you like to read siblings without rivalry? I can send it to you. I don't presume that it will help you mould their relationship, but it might help you understand it a bit more. And certainly know that you are not alone. We all want our kids to be best mates.

[Kazzo]

I think I know of more siblings that don't play together well then I know that do.

I have the opposite. My girls do everything together. They very rarely do anything by themselves. If DD1 is watching a DVD, DD2 (not a fan of anything on tv longer then a peppa pig episode) will play by herself but will constantly go to DD1 and ask her to come play. They go to daycare once a week and even though DD1 is in the preschool room and DD2 is in another room, they still end up playing together and the teachers were letting DD2 come into the preschool room. I told them my worries that DD2 will struggle next year when DD1 goes to school next year so they are helping me by encouraging DD2 to interact with other kids.

They do have their moments when they fight but they are few and far between and very quickly forgotten. They are best mates. If you asked them they would tell you that. I am always hearing, 'Not without (sisters name).' & 'only if (sisters name) does.'


No matter how your kids get along, there seems reason to worry. Mine is that they are too close and I really worry about how hard DD2 will take DD1 going to school next year. Their relation ship with DS is pretty good too. They tolerate him really well, might change as he gets older and more capable to annoying them.

[~Hestia~]

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it! Happy to hear we're not the only ones. I would love to borrow that book Lenny, thank you for that, I actually was on a website yesterday looking for books to help children with anxiety and I saw that title.

[~clover~]

I've come to the conclusion that it's down to personality (an obvious one), age gap & sex. From watching differences between my siblings & I, ex's siblings & my kids.

My older girls will hopefully get along as adults. They're too close, yet too far apart in age as kids/teens. Add to that, dd1 is competitive & self centred, dd2 just wants to be like her big sister & loves everyone. They get along when dd1 has convinced dd2 to do/give her something she wants :/

The younger 3 aren't too bad. They fight like siblings, but they manage to play together as well. Dd3 likes to stir the pot, so fights are still frequent & sometimes pretty epic, but they're are much less significant when they get along the rest of the time.