RANT - when did we start frowning upon SAHM's?

[lady_neon]

Can somebody out there tell me when society started frowning upon stay at home mums or dads for raising their own kids?

A co-worker just rolled her eyes and said 'you have to for your own sanitiy, you won't last long' after she asked me whether I planned on coming back to work, when my response was no. Um, excuse me?!

I have no problem with women working after having children if that is their desire/financial situation. I realise every situation is different, that is their choice and none of my business. But for the love of all things holy don't frown upon me because I refuse to do that!

DH & I have concluded that we wanted this baby, therefore WE are going to raise this baby, and thankfully he earns enough so that I am able to raise my own child. Obviously we need to make some sacfrices and NOT buy a huge, beautiful house in a green, leafy suburb.. but we feel it is more important that baby has his mumma and we'll survive in a modest home in a modest suburb. I might at some point go back and work a couple of days a week, or put baby in day care one day a week for social time, or have a day with granma. But essentialy, we have decided that we prefer to put in as much time as humanly possible to care for our baby.

[briggsy's girl]

I guess it's a two way street. You're feeling judged for wanting to stay at home, while ranting (your term!) about working parents "dumping" their kids in day care... That COULD be taken as an insinuation that you are equally judgmental of working parents...

Ultimately you have made your decision. If you are confident that it is right for you, nothing anyone else says should be water off a ducks back...

[Tinks]

Mothers these days are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

[Amaunet]

I'm sorry you felt this person was frowning in your choices, that's never a nice feeling.

(However, your post made me feel pretty frowned upon as well as I returned to work and used childcare)

[OceanPrincess]

I'm really struggling to form a reply to this. Suffice to say I understand where you are coming from and I feel that SAHMs are becoming the minority in society presently, due to rising costs of housing and other financial/social factors, but some of us working mums don't actually like the fact that our kids are in care and reading your post I have just ended up feeling miserable.

I don't frown on SAHMs. I'm jealous of them.

[fionas]

To be fair, you told her that you weren't going back to work and at the end of the post you said you might go back part-time or take a day to yourself.

It's that balance that she may have been alluding to. Personally, I think working part-time or having some time yourself just as you've described is essential. I need it for my sanity, though my partner often works weekends and isn't here for dinner/bath/bed so our circumstances are a little different.

What really peeves me is when women say they are going back to work because "I was bored at home" thereby implying that there is a lack of things to do at home. My friends who've gone back to work full-time have finally fessed up that it wasn't to do with the money, that being a SAHM is just bloody hard work.

[FabFiona]

Dump my children in child care to be raised by someone else? Rude.

I'm happy to be supportive of your choices if you are supportive of mine.


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[PumpkinZulu]

I can feel your frustration I do think though that you've worded this a little offensively towards working mothers. I think you'll find there is a great divide between working mums and SAHM's because of attitudes similar to this. I went through two painful years of infertility and miscarriages to get my precious DD, and I can guarantee you, I do feel driven insane some days, and definitely love it when DH can take her off my hands for a few hours, it's the best! I too am fortunate enough to be a SAHM, DH works really hard, and we're young and only going to keep earning more from here. But, life is expensive, families are dynamic and unique, not one size fits all. People who work certainly still raise their children. Oh, and who said the kids are sleeping at night time, I wish mine would

As to your OP, I've had the opposite reaction. A neighbour of mine who is a working father of two, heard me putting DD into her car seat and came out to have a chat (he said he couldn't resist babies lol!). He's Spanish and its very normal for mum to stay home. He asked me if I'm going back to work soon. I said no, and he said how grey that was, how happy he was that I was able to stay home if I wanted to, that if he can convince his wife to have another baby, he will take more time off work to be home too etc. I guess it depends on who you talk to

[loulabelle]

Im sorry youre feeling judged.

Each to there own though. Often its not actually a choice, but a must for finacial reasons. neither should judged the other because afterall we are all mothers and are all doing our best.

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[Miss_Dee]

I certainly frown on SAHM's......cause I'm gonna have to go back to work at some point and I'm jealous I do have it pretty good and will get about 18 months at home with my bubba, and then DF will be working 4 days on 4 days off so most of the time one of us will be home. For the other couple of days, FIL is just around the corner and can not wait to babysit (seriously, he's already offering to watch the baby straight away so we can go out for dinner and have 'us' time which is sweet), but I'm really hoping (as is DF) that he can score a work from home position and/or he gets a decent promotion so we can afford for me to just stay home. Assuming things go to plan, worst case is I'm only back at work for 12 months-ish and then we'll be having #2 so I'll be back home again.

[Miss.September]

I agree with BG. I'm a SAHM and my goodness, finances are impossible most of the time but it's still the right decision for us. But there are plenty of instances where people NEED to work and it's nobody else's business.

I hear where you're coming from - I got it when I said I wasn't returning to work, people told me I wouldn't last, I'd go mad, blah blah. But we're three years on and I don't believe I've gone entirely mad It's been really hard at times, especially when DH lost his well paid job that he held when I left work, but we get by. I get sick of the assumption that we're made of money because I don't work but we have an extremely tight budget and it has to do.

Someone will always have something to say about your decision, always when it's the opposite to the one they've made. It doesn't mean that your decision is wrong, or that theirs is wrong. But I understand how frustrating it is, regardless of which side of the fence you're sitting on

[diannescruffy]

I've been a SAHM for the past 17yrs, our decision, our choice but I have to say it saddens me to see your judgment towards working mums.

Regards,
Dianne

[onthefly]

People just tend to transfer their own feelings onto others. What you do with your family is between you and your family and you don't have to justify or explain yourself to anyone.

[nothing2lose]

I am a mother who works outside the home.

It may surprise you to know that I am actually raising my daughter too.

Oh, and I have never "dumped" her anywhere.

To be honest, how do you know whether you will feel like returning to work or not until you have spent days and nights on end with a screaming child. You may feel entirely different when you are posting from a position of experience.

Either way, you won't win many friends attacking parents who work outside the home.

[lady_neon]

I guess it's a two way street. You're feeling judged for wanting to stay at home, while ranting (your term!) about working parents "dumping" their kids in day care... That COULD be taken as an insinuation that you are equally judgmental of working parents...

Ultimately you have made your decision. If you are confident that it is right for you, nothing anyone else says should be water off a ducks back...

To be fair, you told her that you weren't going back to work and at the end of the post you said you might go back part-time or take a day to yourself.

It's that balance that she may have been alluding to. Personally, I think working part-time or having some time yourself just as you've described is essential. I need it for my sanity, though my partner often works weekends and isn't here for dinner/bath/bed so our circumstances are a little different.

What really peeves me is when women say they are going back to work because "I was bored at home" thereby implying that there is a lack of things to do at home. My friends who've gone back to work full-time have finally fessed up that it wasn't to do with the money, that being a SAHM is just bloody hard work.

I've never before had a problem with working mothers, until now, when all I get is judgemental comments from them. Perhaps it is jealousy. But it's certainly not what they're saying. I DID title it as a rant.

Also, I didn't tell her that I planned on maybe working part-time one day. I simply said 'no', before being interrupted.

[Miss_Dee]

Personally I read this as a rant about a single person (perhaps this person was the straw that broke the camel's back) that was generalised. Probably because I often rant in a general sense as I feel bad ranting about a specific person.

As someone who will be a working mother, who was raised by a working mother and am friends with plenty of working mothers, I didn't take offence to anything you said. I knew where you were coming from and saw your rant as just that; a rant. This is the problem with forums and the written word. It's very easy for things to blow up or be taken out of context.

[lady_neon]

I am guilty of 'dumping' my kids in daycare.. Not because I want to lead a lifestyle I can't afford, but for reasons that you don't know..

Should those that can't afford to stay at home not have them? Do you think that I didn't want my kids because I chose to return to work?

Deep down I know this is true. But when a particular group of people start judging you, you start judging them. Even when you know you're doing it unfairly.

I'm sorry I made you all feel like crap, I really am, I should have re-read what I said before posting. I did say some offensive things.

Please understand this is coming from a to-be first time mum, and having constant judgement and being told you won't be able to do it, puts you in a really bad place

I am sorry to hurt you.

[Miss E]

All I can say is Wow! I get that you were offended by your co-workers comment, but that doesn't give you the right to go off and viciously attack working mothers in general in a public forum. As a working mother, I can honestly say that nobody has ever condemned our families choices in such a hurtful, malicious and cruel way as you have just done. And TBH it is all the more insulting when it comes from someone who is yet to actually become a parent.

I hope you're feeling a hell of a lot better for getting that off your chest, because I'm guessing you've just made at least half the members of this community feel like crap.