Things I will never say to my daughter...

I have some beauties from my Mum.

"Your DS never sleeps? Well you never slept for me either. Serves you right".
"I have no idea how you're coping after everything that happened to you" (she says this, while lounging around on my couch looking at the piles of housework I couldn't do post-surgery)
"Don't expect me to run around after you doing all your cleaning when I come to visit" (she came to 'help' after DS was born. Correction, she flew across the state to sit on my couch and sneer at me, plus drag me around taking her shopping for 5 hours plus at a time, whilst my surgical wound leaked through my dressings and clothes.)

I have more.... I'll be back.

I will never say, "Just give her a bottle."

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I will never say, "Just give her a bottle."

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Yep. I got that one too. As soon as we knew DD was sick I was being pressured into buying formula early, because they didn't think that I could establish breastfeeding to a premmie. I didn't end up buying it early, but as soon as we got home my supply dropped. I know now that if I'd kept going I would have got her breastfeeding.
But, I just kept being told - "Give her formula. You can't breastfeed a premmie. If you don't give her a bottle she'll end up back in hospital."
The stress caused me to lose all milk and put her on formula.
There are days I cry everytime I make her a bottle because I felt pressured into forumula feeding.

I will never say "I'm sure she's not acting up as much as you think she is"
"You're just oversensitive"
"She's a good girl, I don't know what you're complaining about"

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Thats not real crying, leave her or you will ruin her.

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OMG I hate this one.

My MIL is GREAT I really shouldn't complain. She has always said whenever I need a break to come over, she will watch DD while I nap there or if I don't feel like cooking tea, to come on over or if DH and I want to go out she will be more than happy to have DD overnight. BUT there are other things that really erk me, like when she is basically telling me what I should be doing with DD, she'll say what it is then say 'that's just a suggestion'. Or if she hears us say something to DD she'll say 'don't get her to say that' (I call biscuits 'bikkies' and this really annoys MIL). Most of her advice is golden and has help me heaps, but I wish she would lay of the little things that I want to say/do with my daughter.

And the other thing that really REALLY annoys me is when I say what DD is doing at home, ie chucking tantrums or slamming doors I get back.. 'she doesn't do that here' like just cos she doesn't do it there, it's not really happening. Grrr!

I got quite a few of these too but i am pretty lucky that my mum and MIL are generally pretty good.
I do wonder though how many of our mothers had said they would never say ...................................... and then did.

"I wish I had never had kids"
"I hope your kids are horrible just like you"
"You're doing x wrong"
"You need to stop babying them, they need to get tougher" (defending calling DD1 fat and DS stupid)
"He's never going to be normal, he will be retarded forever" (about my 3 year old son with autism)

Needless to say we very, very rarely see my mother.

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"I wish I had never had kids"
"I hope your kids are horrible just like you"
"You're doing x wrong"
"You need to stop babying them, they need to get tougher" (defending calling DD1 fat and DS stupid)
"He's never going to be normal, he will be retarded forever" (about my 3 year old son with autism)

Needless to say we very, very rarely see my mother.

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Oh my God. That's terrible. I bet your kids are gorgeous. :hug:
xoxo

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"I wish I had never had kids"
"I hope your kids are horrible just like you"
"You're doing x wrong"
"You need to stop babying them, they need to get tougher" (defending calling DD1 fat and DS stupid)
"He's never going to be normal, he will be retarded forever" (about my 3 year old son with autism)

Needless to say we very, very rarely see my mother.

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What awful things to say about her own grandchildren!!! That's shameful!

My mum believes in tough love. That if I bully my kids they will become tough and bullies later on in life won't affect them. It's how she parents.
She has a real issue with having a grandson with disability and makes it clear that since I won't hit A for stimming or having meltdowns I am allowing him to be 'retarded' and encouraging him to be different.

At the end of the day I look at her and think, I never want to be like you.

^^ this is just horrible, what a nasty thing to say

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"I wish I had never had kids"
"I hope your kids are horrible just like you"
"You're doing x wrong"
"You need to stop babying them, they need to get tougher" (defending calling DD1 fat and DS stupid)
"He's never going to be normal, he will be retarded forever" (about my 3 year old son with autism)

Needless to say we very, very rarely see my mother.

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my god. That's horrible. I am so, so sorry :(

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"you're so melodramatic"
"you're over sensitive"
"you have such a vivid imagination"
"if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about"
"you are so difficult to love"


hmmm I will never discount how my children feel or make them feel inadequate or unworthy of love no matter what they do.

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Do we have the same mum naenae?

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"Your DS never sleeps? Well you never slept for me either. Serves you right".

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I haven't even had my baby yet, and I'm already hearing "I hope your baby is a terrible sleep like you were... payback's a *****"

Thank you all for all of your responses. Some of them have brought a tear to my eye and certainly put my little whinge into perspective. :hug: to you all.

Like Nae I have been told these things and told that I'm the one who needs counselling for my resentments about 'the past' (though on one of these occasions, the 'past' was the day before...). I guess that's true...funny how the need for counselling only goes one way, though!

Just wait until ... [whatever negative thing is supposed to happen next]. This is not something my mother says, but it's a pearler.

I also won't tell them throughout their childhoods that I hope they have a pg/birth/child just like mine/me, so they know what I went through. I know she doesn't mean to be vindictive, but guess who had the last laugh when my pgs, birth and children didn't turn out to be anything like hers. ;) (Actually, thinking about it, maybe I will say this, because the experiences I talk about have been so good!).

I could list thousands from my MIL, but to be anything like her I'd need to have a complete mental and emotional transplant, so I'll choose to not go there...

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I'll read the rest later, but I'll add one :

My mum, just this morning, 'shared' one of my photos on Facebook and used the caption 'My girl ready to become a mummy again. I really hope her kids treat her the same way she treats me'
Apparently I'm the worst person in the bloody world to her!

I will NOT be saying that to my kids!

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Oh dear! That's dreadful! And incredibly passive aggressive,

Defriending probably isn't worth the stress, but you can up the privacy settings on your photos so she can't see them.

Seeing I have sons, to any future DIL's I pledge to...

Be supportive. My mother thrives on drama and can't help sounding quite thrilled at the possibility that I'm not coping. For example - she saw a pic I posted on FB of our newborn sleeping, I had a caption about 'Finally' or something similar. She rang the next day and was all "Oooh having a hard time are you? Having trouble with him are you?" in a gossipy tone of voice. During this conversation she kept asking how on earth I was going to cope when DH goes back to work, how DS1 is going to cope, over and over! If there is nothing going on I don't hear from her for weeks. I actually haven't heard from her since that conversation. Of course if I wasn't coping she would be the last person to know.

Believe in them. At the same time, my mother treats me like I'm about to break into a million pieces! The first few weeks after DS2 was born every conversation was filled with "Ooooh how are you coping? Are you alright? Are you coping alright? You haven't got any of that depression thing have you? Have you been crying?" I find it patronising. I have no idea why she thinks I can't cope, especially when I'm the happiest I've ever been right now.

Never invalidate them. My mother can't listen to any issues I have with DS1 without butting in with "That's exacty what you were like! Don't have to tell me about it! I know exactly what that's like!" She can't just hear what I'm saying and if she knows so much about it then give me some help.

Build them up as parents instead of tearing them down. As most of us do, I use the TV as a distraction when I need to. My mother is very proud to tell me that she never needs to put the telly on when she baby sits, that DS1 didn't even ask to have it on. Yay for you Nanna! Way to make me feel bad.

Respect their rules. I'll never forget the time my mother tried to tell me that my son's sunburnt face was actually just baked beans. It's seriously not that hard to put on sunscreen!