How do you stay focused when a child tells you about something and you find yourself zoning out? Both my kids went through this phase but I'm trying really hard to break the habit. It's soooo unbelievably rude of me. But sometimes the intricacies of minecraft or the start to finish recap of a particular episode of some show doesn't interest me. But I think sometimes it's more the delivery rather than the content.
I'm at a loss. But it makes me feel so awful. And I am terrified that its going to cause communication problems in the future. Or teach bad habits
I dont know but I do the same thing. Even with somw adults. I just cant stay focused.
Maybe asking questions/ repeating some parts back to show you're listening?
When we were raising my sister from 12 years old she used to do this. I don't know if this is the best way and maybe it just worked for us or because she was slightly older but I used to say something like "I love hearing about X because I love how into it you are but I don't really understand it as well as you do so I don't have as much to say. Do you mind if I'm pottering in the kitchen while you tell me?". She didn't care and seemed to love to keep talking at me while I got stuff done and didn't have to sit there 'engaged' in an actual conversation. I would try and make random comments like "I haven't heard of that. How does that work?". She is in her 20s now and still prattles on to me so I guess it didn't shut her up
I totally think at least part of this is teaching social skills around appropriate talking. My eldest DD still hasn't mastered this and chooses the most unbelievably inconvenient times to launch into long and winding monologues, without checking first whether anyone is even looking or attending to her. This is a person-specific trait/behaviour, since DD2 seems to understand that there are better times than others to start talking, and checking for social cues (eye contact, attentive posture, introductory comments, listening noises) are good prerequisites for going into a more detailed conversation. She's 5, eldest DD is 15 (sigh). FWIW I am partly to blame because I have never been able to cope with the sheer volume of verbal output from DD1 (who at a young age would continue to make noises and repeat herself over and over after she had run out of things to say) and I'm fairly confident in retrospect that this may have been a marker for ADHD, or sensory issues, or something on some kind of a spectrum. Having said that, I have learnt to gently interrupt and ask what her point is (if she has one) or could I have the abbreviated version or to point out that I'm trying to xyz right now so could she save that thought and tell me again in a couple of minutes when there is a better chance for me to follow along. Rude? Possibly. But completely necessary because otherwise I lose the thread and go into mental overload and when that happens I can't understand any of what she is saying at all.
Honestly, I do sometimes wish DS would get the point and shut up. Just occasionally, because I really just can't listen to it all. His father is terrible, also, at telling extremely long-winded stories and never quite getting to the point. I used to fall asleep when he was telling me about his day in the evening - just couldn't help it! Why do I need to know the minutia of your life?
Anyway, I'm not sure. I do try to focus, or at least take in the main points. I use active listening skills to show that I'm paying some attention, and it does help that he repeats himself endlessly.
Quite often he really doesn't care if anyone is actually listening anyway, plus I never really know if he's talking to me or one of his imaginary friends.
It's a bit of a two way street. I agree that teaching appropriate talking is an important skill, but teaching and modelling reflective/active listening is just as important. So, as PP have said, I try to rephrase what DS says, and ask questions too. I also try to maintain eye contact, though that's not always easy when you're talking with a 3 year old who is jumping up and down with excitement! Even just making 'oh, yes, I see' noises helps.
MIL desperately needs lessons in appropriate talking, as she is doing our heads in with her constant babble about inane subjects at the most in opportune times. Last night I tipped in about 1/2 jar of nutmeg and wrecked our soup, made lumpy custard and undercooked the zucchini bread, all because her talking was such a distraction! She talks and mutters through every TV show, and she's a toilet talker too! Ewww!
I get the "mum, mum, mum". I respond and then I get dead silence. I have to prompt her to talk. Then she finally starts to talk in a stuttering way "well, you know, you know, that show with ....., well you know the other day how it...." Drives me batty.
Some days I am patient, but other days, I am just honest and say that she needs to get to the point. I know I need to handle it better.
DD1 is at the age where she talks so excitedly about absolutely nothing & it drives me nuts! Its all I can do to not roll my eyes... I have occasionally said 'um, so?' But I try not too. It is nothing, but at this age accidentally wearing a boys hat means so much to her lol
DS is the one starting stories & 3 words in I get 'are you listening? MUM are you listening??' Yes I'm listening, I've just got a thousand things to do, so I can't stare at you while you talk. But I will try. Until someone comes in & talk over the top of you & you start screaming in frustration (silently me too!) because you have to start your story all over again!
I try to be attentive & listen to it all. I'm actually more interested in the things DS has to say at 5, than the things DD says at 12... But I try to be nice about it
Isn't it funny. I find it easier to listen to DD. I think it's because she talks with me and not at me. And then my brain goes "Oh well it's probably your fault you probably talk at him!" Neurotic much?
I have decided to make a conscious effort. And I've told them both if they think I'm not listening or didn't hear them properly to tell me.
And maybe asking questions will help DS become a better story teller lol. It's probably an age thing.
I just don't want to be seen as doing "Yes dear" because that used to annoy the crap out of me when I was a kid. And I also don't want him to stop talking because he feels I don't listen.
I tell them "I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear about this right now. I'm busy / have a headache / distracted / whatever. But if you would come back in 5 / 10 /15mins etc, I will happily listen to you then."
Or
"sorry, I understand you live skylanders / barbies / whatever; but whilst I am happy to here how well you are doing / you frustrations / whatever, I really don't understand or want to hear about all the tiny little details."
I kind of think honesty is important. Kids can get so swept up in their own little worlds, it is important for them to learn that 'yes' I am interested in and make time for 'them', but that they should choose how they are using that time better. Generally when my kids start rambling and I loose attention, and redirect them like that, they stop and think and tell me their important bits without all the extra 'fluff'. So it does seem to work for them.
((I have to do the same thing for my hubby too, when he starts talking computers / electronics / etc. although I am blunter with him. But really, I don't care about the processor or hard drive or 101 other components and which is better for what, etc. I don't need or want 'details', just give me the reasons in laymans terms without the boring unimportant 'fluff'.))
I do have one nephew who I find it extremely agonizing to be around because he just talks with absolutely no purpose about nothing all the time. He is a nice kid, and I feel bad, but he has absolutely no concept of social constructs and cannot at all read others body language. And he is so sensitive, and takes any kind of critism as a negative on himself, rather then people trying to help him. So you cannt just nicely explain to him about any of this, because he gets hurt at anything that isn't completely positive. He is draining to hang around, and it is such a shame, because I find myself actively avoiding him (and I know others do too) so that I don't get 'trapped' where the only way out it to hurt him.
With my nephew, it is part personality (and it is a trait that runs in DH's family), but it is also part upbringing (he is modeling the behaviours displayed by my MIL and my SIL - who are the two adults he sees most and they encourage him to matter incessantly.) it is even sadder because he has been and is bullied at school, and although I know it is never the victims 'fault', it is obvious to anyone who meets him that if he could just pick up on others body language better an social cues, he wouldn't struggle so much to fit in.
Sigh.
My DD is only 2.5 and talks all sorts of nonsense, but I also have no issues listening to her. DS, on the other hand.... it's exhausting. He talks at people, and rarely engages in actual conversation, as such. Poor love can hardly relate to his peers at all and relies on us and other adults as the audience for his verbal offloading. If we ask him to wait a bit or tell me later, or whatever, he just either ploughs on or starts crying.
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Not zoning out...
lol
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