What would you have done?

[~Kim~]

Just curious I guess.

Had a situation here that I really didn't know the right way to handle.

I have 4 extra children here this arvo - one whose mother asked me to watch her for her, one who didn't want to be left out and the 2 little girls from next door who are always at my door asking to play (yet my kids are NEVER asked/allowed to play in their house).

The 6 little girls (4 + my 2) get along great, I really don't have to do much for them at all.
Then they decided they were going to watch Frozen. As long as I can't see or hear it, I'm not really fussed. My kids haven't had any TV for ages so it wasn't a huge deal. The eldest from next door says she has to go and ask her mum if she's allowed to watch it.

Mum said no. There's magic in it and they aren't allowed to watch anything with magic in it. But she was happy enough for her to come back in here. Now, I know that they are deeply, deeply religious which is none of my business (I really like these people by the way), but the other little girls really wanted to watch it.

What would you have done?

I told this little girl that I was happy for the girls to watch, and she replied that she wasn't allowed so they couldn't....didn't really know what to say to that.

So I turned to my DD1 and her besties and said, "well I don't mind you watching, but E would have to go home if you did choose to". DD1 said, "how about we just draw our favourite characters and sing instead?" - so great all happy.

Except me who is a little bit miffed that I had to change the plans of several to accommodate for one. Probably not even justified lol.

[TeniBear]

In that particular instance, I'd be peeved too and probably would've put it on anyway - nobody disses my Disney

Seriously, though, normally I would change plans if it means someone misses out due to religion/allergies/other things not under the kids' control. If it was something that was the kids' decision, it'd be a case-by-case basis.

It's strange though, for a great deal of it the magic's shown negatively in Frozen :-/ And I can only think of a few kids' stories that don't involve magic/fantasy of some kind - where does the little girl get her entertainment?

[onthefly]

Hey, those girls did a great job of including their little friend in alternate play. We make concessions, compromises and change plans all the time. I don't think it's that big a deal. Sometimes the others will be happy to change, sometimes that kid will miss out on stuff. But it's probably much the same for everybody at one time or another.
anyway, I reckon it's good the girls just figured it out for themselves.
I dunno about you always hosting the other kids, though. You ok with that?

[Rouge]

I think you handled it perfectly fine. And I'm proud of the other kids. But I do understand what you mean. And it probably has more to do with the personality and the relationship you have with her mother than the little girl instead. If she annoys you. Then this would annoy you. Lol. I also think that you shouldn't be designated host! Would drive me bonkers.

[~Kim~]

I was proud of them too, and it wasn't even a blip on their radar. And, in hindsight it was kind of silly to be annoyed after the fact when they dealt with it so well.

I think that was why I was annoyed - the 'they're always here' thing. Feeling a bit lately like I have to sneak around out the front so already hackles are up a bit. I think they like being in here because my kids are a bit more free range than they are used to.

Thanks girls.

[Trillian]

We have a similar situation in that our neighbours religion prevents them from even owning a TV - they just don't have one - don't even listen to the radio because its' an instrument of the devil apparently (never mind that now they all access the internet and watch DVD's on their computers, but the hypocrisy of religion is a whole other thread LMAO ) but when their kids were at my house, I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure that they didnt' see any TV. It's not like they sat there watching it the entire time, but if it was on when they were here I wasn't going to turn it off - they come to our house knowing that we have different beliefs and that's their issue to deal with, not mine.

But how cool are those kids for finding a different way to play? Great stuff.

[~Kim~]

they come to our house knowing that we have different beliefs and that's their issue to deal with, not mine.

You just put into words what I couldn't articulate. That's exactly it! Thanks Trillian! Only sadly that's the way I'd like it to work and I don't think they see it that way

[trishalishous]

We have a similar situation in that our neighbours religion prevents them from even owning a TV - they just don't have one - don't even listen to the radio because its' an instrument of the devil apparently (never mind that now they all access the internet and watch DVD's on their computers, but the hypocrisy of religion is a whole other thread LMAO ) but when their kids were at my house, I wouldn't go out of my way to make sure that they didnt' see any TV. It's not like they sat there watching it the entire time, but if it was on when they were here I wasn't going to turn it off - they come to our house knowing that we have different beliefs and that's their issue to deal with, not mine.

But how cool are those kids for finding a different way to play? Great stuff.

If they were already over and choosing an activity, Id include all the kids. But if their mum was using me as a free babysitter, Id be sending them home to check first, if they came over and we were watching tv.

[Ginger]

That would really annoy me, and I think that once the mum next door knew that you planned to watch frozen, she should've come over to your house and collected her kids and brought them home. Ridiculous.

[Cass72]

I'm just gobsmacked that the little girl went home to ask her mum....

I think you did the right thing and I think you should be completely and uttlerly proud of your DD1.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Well done your dd.

Not well done neighbours, the mother and the child who said your dd couldn't watch her film because she was there! How rude.

[Kazbah]

*shrugs* i think that the little girl went home to ask meant that she already knew she wouldn't be allowed. Good on the other kids for an alternate plan .. although, <evil mode> i guess that teaching the other girls the characters and songs is kinda subversive </evil mode>. I think i'd have handled it worse.
I reckon that the mum sending her kid back shows she trusts you - else I'm sure she would have collected both girls.

[~Kim~]

Lol Kaz, the thought did cross my mind, but yes I think she does so I guess I should take that as a compliment.

[peanutter]

I think the girls did a great job in sorting out a solution they were all ok with. Good for them - huge maturity and relational negotiation showing there!

With the rest of it, I have a different perspective.

Growing up, we were always taught that you favour your guests over yourself - they always get served first, the biggest piece of the pie, the least skinmarked apple, the first turn on the trampoline, picking the game, etc.

Whether it was a once-off guest, or your annoying cousin you'd rather wasn't there, or your Grandma who comes over twice a week! That's just how it always was, without fail (with the exception of "the birthday rule" because birthday boy/girl trumps guest.

So just as if I had 5 friends over and one was a vegetarian I wouldn't serve steak (I wouldn't serve tofu either - I'd serve veggie lasagne or something) if one of my guests wasn't comfortable with a movie with whatever in it (or if they weren't allowed, or if it was against their beliefs) I would pick something else to watch or do. There's plenty of other things to do, and it would need to be something everyone could be included in.

Now, I'm in my 30s, not 6, so if I was at my friend's place, and it was *me* who wasn't comfortable, I'd decide whether to speak up, or to go home, or to just put up with it ... but if I was 6, I may well have said (to my now grown up mortification) "I can't do that, so we all must do something else."

And I'm not sure that's not an ok response, for a 6 year old. It seems rather forward, self centred, but age appropriate IMHO.

And personally, I think that's a lot better than them not feeling that they can speak up. I think them knowing that something was probably not in line with their upbringing, and had the confidence to say something, and go home and check, and then discuss other options.

As mentioned by others here, it speaks volumes that her mum knows, respects and trusts you (and her daughter) enough to let her go back to your place.

The only thing perhaps left wanting is her expression used, in starting to get the ball rolling, to discuss what other solutions might be available.

So if it was in my house, I probably would have accommodated the one, rather than pressing it further. They weren't being persnikety or difficult, or coming over knowing that all the others would be doing something she couldn't. They were being responsible based on their upbringing, and their family dynamic. The other girls might have been a bit disappointed, but if it was a big deal, and they had no other option of watching the movie, they could have organised to come over again, or borrowed the movie, or something ...

I understand why you feel miffed. I don't think it's unjustified. I have have a different perspective.

In any event, you should be so very proud of your kids. You've raised some lateral thinking, respectful mini humans

[Trillian]

Peanutter, I see your point, but doesn't that teach the child that they can get their own way, all the time, without regard to acknowledging differences and that some kids are allowed to watch these movies and that some homes have different views about these things? Isn't life about learning tolerance and respect for each other that works both ways, not just for one child's preferences/background? This child didn't have to be there. The mum could have kept her home, especially considering there was no need for her child to even be at Kim's house, but no, she knew what was going on and sent the child back to someone else's house saying no, you can't do that you all have to do something else. That's what the issue is. It's not like Kim had these girls at her home with no option for them to go to their own home and the mother made the choice for her. I just think that's rather rude.

[Rowellen]

I wonder how long it will be before this girl decides she wants to do what her friends are doing so won't bother to ask her mum as she knows the answer will be no. And how long it will be before it turns from disney movies to other not so innocent things.

I would probably have the same reaction Kim.

[peanutter]

I think they're all really valid questions and points - and maybe the mum said, "no, you can't watch that, so if the other girls still want to, you're to come back home."

That's what my mum would have said

I suspect that Kim would like her so much, if she was the sort to say, "you can't watch that, so go impose our personal beliefs on everyone else over there in that den of iniquity."

But just as that 6yo will have to learn that her situation can't always dictate the day, the other girls have clearly learned the wonderful lesson that sometimes, we make a sacrifice to include our friends

I think I would have found it sadder if the other girls had turned around and said "too bad, we all want to watch this, and we're the majority, so you need to leave now, or play by yourself in another room for 90 minutes."

There's a time and a place for both (democracy and generosity) but I think it's so beautiful that these girls, at this tender age, were able to come to the decision that they did

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Growing up, and now, yup, guests first.

Growing up, even as a guest, even age 6 or under, had I said "I say no so you can't", I'd be shameful to my mother and be given a good hiding.

She could have gone home, or stayed home. She wouldn't be locked alone in a room with no toys just cos the others chose to watch a film.

Yes, your dd was great. That doesn't excuse rudeness.