help with parenting a child who is hard on themselves

[shellbell3]

DD1 is 6, to people who see her on the outside she appears quite confident. She regularly has her hand up in class, shares her ideas/ thoughts. But she often gets down on herself if she's not good at something. For example:
Her handwritting was one thing to work on, she takes it in a very negative way.
At school they had to vote for each others work, hers got 0 votes, she spent the evening crying
Today she was in a gymnastics comp, everyone gets a medal either gold/ silver or bronze, she got a bronze and spent alot time crying about that
Athletics day at school, she had 4 ribbons but others had more so she decided she wasn't any good.
If she does something that I ask her not to do again she gets so upset about doing the wrong thing, even tho she's not in trouble I'm just explaining to her why we dont do it (dangerous, rude etc) she takes it the wrong way.
She hates admitting to doing anything wrong or hates people pointing out something that isn't right.
Then she says things about being a horrible person, she doesnt like herself etc.
I really am unsure how to deal with it, sometimes I do find myself getting frustrated which I know is not going to help but it does drive me nuts sometimes.

[Olive]

I'd suggest reading up on alfie kohn or carol Dweck, they focus on a growth mindset not a fixed one.
As for kids voting I think that's appalling

[JLeigh29]

Sounds like she might benefit from learning some resilience strategies. It also sounds like she lacks self confidence/self esteem.

No personal experience here, but I've taught similar children so this is what I'd suggest:

Try looking up some of the great parenting sites...triple P stuff comes to mind. They have fact sheets with easy to follow strategies (I use these with DS). It might also be worth talking to the school and finding out which social skills program they use so you can continue it at home. They should have other suggestions too. I've seen classes advertised in WA that claim to improve self confidence, self esteem etc. Not sure if they work, but you could always search for something like that in your area.

HTH

[shellbell3]

Thanks guys, will start looking those up. At least then I have some idea where to start.
Olive, yeah I spoke to a couple of the other mums and they weren't too impressed with the voting thing either. Some kids got 9 or 10 while she got none. Was done between all 4 1/2 classes.

[Olive]

Shell I think it needs to discussed further, start with V/P.
Poor chook, my DD would be upset too
Xxx

[Butterfly Dawn]

wow! can't believe the voting thing at that age.
My kids have had some rough stuff with self esteem and how others view them.
I tell them the good things about themselves and get them to repeat it ie- I am good at making people laugh, I am funny.
I also will ask them randomly to tell me 3 good things about thems- or 3 things they like about themselves (not always the same)
Good luck. This is a hard area for parents

[diva det]

aww hugs hun
we have had to deal with kids comparing and being hard on themselves quite a bit
esp with my twins- they used to constantly compare each others successes and failures against each other, which were many, esp as my DS is quite a bit behind in school and has a lot of obstacles to overcome in his learning
we decided to really emphasize and drill into them that not everyone is good at everything, and as soon as they would become critical of their progress and lack of achievement against others, turn the conversation around to what they are good at in other areas. For instance, if DS started to get down on himself because he cant do a maths problem like the others, we would say to him " Well everyone is good and some things and not others. We know that you are good at riding a bike with one hand. So thats Ok that you arnt as good as the others in Maths. As long as you are trying your best, then we are happy." Really trying to get kids to measure their successes against themselves, rather than others is really the key.

Voting for the best handwriting is absoutely crazy and setting kids up for a fall!!! That is just a popularity contest and nothing more!!!! I would be taking the teacher to task about such a silly competition, and highlighting the damage that such an exercise has had on your child, and others i am betting as well!!!
Achievements should be rewarded, but their success should be measured against their own progresses, and not others!!!

My DD has high standards of herself and constantly tries to still measure herself against others. She had a teacher in grade 2 who almost destroyed her as he left her to her own devices to do who work without explanation and my DD couldnt understand why she wasnt getting the work. She asked for help once and the teacher made such a drama that it was a hassle that he had to stop and explain something to her, that she was too afraid to ever ask again. It took not even one term before she was school refusing and it got so bad that we eventually swapped schools when no recourse was offered. Even as a grade 5, she was still afraid to ask for help as she saw it as a failure. She is a very compliant child, so at parent teacher interviews, i told her new teacher of her fear to ask for help and what had happened. Finally this term she now has the confidence to ask the teacher for help and she has had so many lightbulb moments this term as a result of asking and receiving help !!! after 3 years of being afraid and starting to feel overwhelmed, she is now thriving again!!!!
So please get on top of it before more damage occurs.

Try and put her in situations that she will succeed so that she does get a sense of success, but also in situations where you can manage the damage a failure will make. This will help build her resillance. For instance, even basic game playing at home can help build resillance, esp if it parent directed. Also team sports are a great way to build resillance. Activities such as netta are great as they are fun, but also teach them skills for playing against others as well as with others!!
Resillance is a hard skill to teach our kids!! They have to learn that life isnt fair. Life isnt the same for everyone, and life doesnt offer the same opportunities for all. Hard lessons even for adults to learn!!!
But its our ability to rationalize these things and normalize their feeling about these things, that give a sense of acceptance to our kids.

Hang in there lovely- keep celebrating her achievements and measure her successes against her own progress all the time, rather than the progress of others!!!