ADF families - how do you explain that daddy (or mummy) will be gone for a while?

[Cass72]

Or anyone who's other half is a FIFO I suppose - we're all in the same boat really.

DH has gone on exercise and, while it is only 3 weeks this time, where in the past it's been much longer stints, it seems to be affecting DS2 more and more.

Last time he went away it was "daddy's on the plane" every.waking.hour.

This time it's "are we getting daddy now?" each time we go to leave the house (or I leave the room to go to the toilet for that matter). I've made him a calendar for the fridge door that we can mark off but I thought I'd see what other ideas you may have come up with over the years. He's only 3 and I'm not sure that he actually gets the whole it's 20 sleeps til daddy gets home.

I know for myself that I pour my heart out in a notebook where I "tell" DH everything that's happened that day. I'm not sure if he's ever read any of it but it seems to get me through. Oh, that and making him leave the last item of clothing he wore (preferably a jumper or shirt) that I can put on while he's away.

Hmm....an idea! Maybe we could do a scrapbook for when daddy's away.

So, what do you do?

[AnyDream]

Cass, I actually think that the absences have a cumulative effect on the kids. It's like all the seperation experiences build up over time. On the one hand, it means it becomes more "normal" but on the other hand, I do think it's harder for a kid to withstand the more it happens, kwim?

At this age, having lots of visible reminders of daddy can help. We had a double-sided laminated photo of daddy that DD could drag around and even 'chat' to when she wanted & you can get these daddy doll things made with a photo of your DH or even one of the service teddy bears might do the trick. It sounds a little like your DS doesn't understand the time frames involved. So I would also emphasis right from the start that "daddy will be away for a long time" and "lots of sleeps", and "mummy will tell you when it's the day when daddy is coming home." I think the calendar idea is great, I would be going one further and giving him a sticker to put on there every day. But I'm not sure how useful actually counting the sleeps is going to be until your DS gets a bit more of mental frame work re counting & numbers. For example, when DD2 was the same age, I would avoid the countdown until we got in the realm of numbers she knew and understood (ie, 1, 2, 3). As she got a little older, those numbers increased.

[Freya]

I think being honest about the emotional side of it helps a lot. I try to validate the kids feelings that yes it sucks when daddy goes away for awhile and that its ok to be angry/sad/scared about it; sometimes I feel that way too. My boys dont outwardly talk about it much but tend to internalise and it comes out as bad behaviour. We also like to plan something fun for when daddy comes home so they have something to look forward to thats "normal" in our lives.

The under 5 age group is a hard one to deal with, its much easier with my older boys.

[nothing2lose]

No experience but what about having a video diary that he can talk to daddy on the video camera (making a movie) to tell him about everything???
Maybe daddy could make a few video messages for him too to play while he is away? (reading a book or telling some jokes or a funny story, etc?)

[Cass72]

Thanks ladies. All good ideas. We have stickers at home and DS2 looooooves stickers so yep, I think we'll use them on our calendar countdown...really don't know why I didn't think of that before!

It's hard to explain to a toddler that daddy will be away for a long time when a long time to them is a couple of hours!

[Rouge]

We went on a long holiday when DD was little (without DH). Before Skype and video calls. DH made some videos of him reading her favourite stories. She watched one every night. It helped her a lot.

[wysiwyg]

Not ADF but have done 4-5 weeks away from DH with small ones and I am now away for 4-5 days at a time. Personally I wouldn't do a countdown I think too little to understand concept - I or DH just days the other is away doing whatever and make out is a fun thing they are doing e.g mummy is having fun in Warehouse at work she will be home on and say a day.

[Cass72]

Well last night he had a major meltdown - mummy was just not good enough, he needed daddy. We ended up with snuggles on the couch watching telly until he was so tired that he asked to go to bed.

This morning he started pushing boundaries (and really pushing my buttons). Thankfully it's only a short time apart this time. I've let them know at the childcare centre so they can keep an eye out for any behavioural changes at school.

At his previous centre they used to talk about it and the children would share stories. The carers would get the children to do craft that reflected what was happening in a child's life. For example, if someone's mum or dad had gone to China they would get out a map to show where it is and talk about China while that child's parent was away. It was really good for all the children and they learnt about some faraway (and not so far) places. When the parent came back they would bring photos and/or a souvenier to show around.

Marydean he loved the sticker idea last night but wanted to keep going.... (ugh!)... so I gave him some to put on his hands. I think he might "get" it at some sort of level because this morning he pointed to the picture at the end of the timeline and said daddy comes home.

Watching him is like watching my pre-menstrual self ..... one minute happy and playing, the next teary and cross!

[LuluHB]

No ADF experience here, but my DH was away for a couple of months and it was hard on the kids. We made a calendar that went on the fridge. I wrote down special stuff we were doing "just us" while Daddy was away - park visit, library etc. Nothing little things but they were things that made our days look full and interesting. Then every morning we made a big thing about putting a cross through that day to get us closer to when DH was home.