My 'girl' Stolli (Kelpie x German Shepherd) had been with me since I was 19 years old, she was the first pet I bought and I had her since about 10 weeks old (and yep, I named her after Vodka). She was with me through many rough patches during failed relationships, moving across the countryside and other turbulence, and was with me when I met my (now) DH, had kids and led a typical adult like life.

Since I had kids etc she (and another younger dog I had since bought) had started to take a back seat in my life. They didn't get out and about as often as they had previously but they still knew they were very much loved parts of our family and were certainly never neglected.

About 2 weeks ago I felt something wasn't quite right with Stolli and I took her to the vet. I 'felt' her belly had been bloated though it hadn't changed size or shape, I dunno, it was just an feeling I had. But the vet checked her over thoroughly (I was a crying wreck after not having slept for the previous 36 hours) and he assured me her heart and lungs were fine but he detected a slightly irritated throat and gave some antibiotics. He said to return if there was no change in a week.

Well there was little change in her, she did seem a bit perkier at the end of the course of antibiotics but all changed suddenly upon returning home from a Xmas Eve get together.

Stolli looked like ragged, like just breathing was such an effort. She couldn't lay down for longer than 5 - 20 seconds without having to seemingly come up for air. I noticed as she plodded very slowly around her right hind leg was almost dragging behind her and she was walking on the top of her paw, as it doubled under onto the ground. I was in tears. Again this feeling had came over me - one of dread. A feeling, a hunch, knowing that if I take my girl to the vet it'll be the last. Yet I couldn't bare to watch her appear to be so uncomfortable, I would have felt cruel to ignore it.

So at about 10:15pm I had my brother come over as the kids were in bed and DH and I took the sad trip to the vet.

They immediately took her from us, placed her on oxygen and we waited for news, any news. This is one time I wish I could have been told I was wrong.

After a short while the Vet came in and explained there was fluid in her lungs and they had given her some drugs to help break down the fluid so she could cough it up. I asked to go in and see her and there was my poor girl, on that sterile silver table with all those lines, leads and tubes nearby - it wasn't nice. She looked scared, bewildered and when she saw me she rolled up as if to say "Mum, help!". I rested my head gently on her soft brown fur, my tears rolling down my cheeks and onto hers. I whispered to her that I loved her and that she'd been with me the longest (which is something I had always said to her over the years as the family had grown, it was our 'line' that no one else had ever heard). She seemed to be more worked up with me being there and the Vet said that due to her critical state she would likely be the first to see the 'hospital' vet in the morning. I said my goodbyes and told her I'd see her in the morning....leaving my furry girl on that table, scared, bewildered and fragile didn't sit right with me.

As we walked through a consult room I asked the vet to be honest about Stolli's chances of survival. She admitted she couldn't be 100% sure but taking into account her age (13) and her present state said that it wasn't looking too good. She spoke of tests and things they could / would do on her - and in my head I just felt there was no way she could be put through all of that. The vet said they wouldn't know until the morning if Stolli would be up to all those tests, but that it would be determined if she settled and calmed down through the night.

My head won over my heart. I asked for a moment with DH (who was also in tears) and we discussed what to do, but I knew ultimately I would have the final decision.

My decision was to let her go. I didn't want her to feel anymore pain than she had already endured. She didn't deserve to suffer, she was a brilliant family member, furry pal to my kids, and had been my pillow many times, had cuddled in with me so many nights during my days of singledom, she had sooo much personality, she 'groomed' up my younger dog Cash and was the reason I continued to live through some really dark times I'd gone through. I couldn't be selfish.

In the main reception area I told the vet what my decision was with tears rolling down my cheeks and said I wanted to be there during the injection. I wasn't going to let my best mate take the stairway alone.

This time when I entered the room after I'd voiced my decision Stolli didn't lift her head. When I got closer to her I could see she'd been coughing up blood. I whispered that I loved her so much and that she had been with me the longest. I thanked her for being such a loyal buddy and huge part of my life. I told her that I was sorry but to go and find her 'grandmum' (my Mum) once she got 'there'. As the vet lifted her paw to give her the injection Stolli rolled up and the vet nurse that had been standing on the other side of the table said 'its ok Stolli, we're all with you, you're not alone' - such nice words. And at that Stolls laid her head back down and gazed into my eyes for a brief moment until her pupil was fixed.....and she was gone.

(Far out I'm balling my eyes out just typing this!).

One week on and I collected her ashes today. I plan to put some into a keepsake bracelet, some in a pot plant and the remainder into a nice urn.

Over the past week I've felt some massive guilt about making the decision too early. At the time I felt what I was doing was 100% right, I had no doubt in my head. But now I'm not so sure. And that is absolutely killing me. I'm torturing myself over this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I didn't have the benefit of 8 days ago.

Does this get any easier?!

Thanks for reading that marathon of a post, congrats if you got to the end of it!.